Damn Damn Damn

It's like I knew but didn't care.

But casually flipping through my friend list on hi5 really broke me down today. Her primary pic is so happy and brought me back to the reality that I should care and that stolen moments are just that.

I admit that in the past I knew what I wanted and it wasn't you, and that opportunity has sailed by.

So instead of reading her complimentary friend comments about her keeping a relationship together for 8+ years, and knowing there is some hypocrisy to that I copy and paste the pic as a reminder to myself to stay away regardless of whether or not my stolen time remains a secret forever.

All that stuff I wrote about him b4... it doesn't even matter.

Lonely tired defeated

All these words describe my life right now

I grab rays of happiness when I can, but its not often enough for me

Where do responsibility and life intersect.

It's like in the pursuit of career job etc its mutually exclusive to life and love.

I am always separated from anyone that I love...Is it that I am unable to love so I seek after the unattainable and physically distant or is it just my unlucky draw?

It weird that I feel that I need someone to love, because I feel that I am a self-sufficient person. But, I really dont feel anyone is really looking out for me.
Yea I know that you care but you live miles and oceans away how can you really help me if things are horrible?

Alone in this bed looking at Talk Sex with Sue Johannsen and finding out everything my mom never told me about sex.

:( :( :(
Sigh

Movie

I'm here looking at Mahogany which was one of my most favorite movies of my young life...and I'm talking about younger than 13...it always made me cry, especially the theme song. I guess you are realizing that I cry really easy...well only in private.

I just realized that she probably named her daughter Tracey Ellis-Ross after her character in this movie.

Just looking at the style of dress and her spirit in this movie in ONE scene she really did remind me of my mom....tall, elegant, slim and mahogany with those huge deep pools of brown eyes....yea I need to call my mom.

This reminds me next time I'm home I need to take one of those pics of her from the album as I remember her when I was younger.

There is so much that I can say about her but it won't really be adequate.
So this should suffice.
I LOVE YOU.

WHAT AM I REALLY TO SAY TO THIS????

If there is anyone at all that reads this blog what am I to say to this that I haven't expressed already?
And dont worry he hasn't stolen the shine of my previous 2 posts. {blush}

Hi Taj;
I hope you are having a great one out there.I should have been calling more often but it's hard to get through to you when ever I want to;thats is why I am using this means of communication. Taj, honnestly speaking I really love you but it becomes hard when you have mix feeling in the relation. You don't want to give it a trial. As simple as I look infront of you , will not change even in the next decade.Thats me and nothing more. At times friends complain that I am too calm but that's me, I can'nt fake my personality. I have a strong feeling that if there is any one who loves you from first impression is me; but i can hardly proove it because you have not given the chance. Don't get out of your way if that is how you do things but if you could give me a chance I'll really appreciate it. This is a moment we can met at your convenience and you get to know what you want to know about me. For me, the very first day I saw you, the love for you keeps increasing. I see a perfect match between us.let me not take much of your time; reply at your convenience.
I'll talk to you some other time.

Blush

I couldn't help it....
I just like this memory of us

We are standing around in an outdoor party and some of our friends and my cousin is there. I'm just leaning near you enjoying the vibe then I tiptoe and whisper "I wish I could kiss you right now."
You smile lean down and tell me, "Go ahead".
I bow my head, blush, shake my head and laugh.
You shake your head, poke my stomach and call me a punk...and you're right I am a punk.
Clint starts some stupid debate with a sexual innuendo I forget and the whole group is just rockin and on the floor...he's so silly then you touch me at the small of my back draw me in near to your chest and kiss me.
It's so simple and you ask with a smile, "What was so hard about that?"
Then my hands are automatically around your neck I'm so happy and caught up I wanna leave the party right now...then you kiss me on my neck and I KNOW everyone else pretends like they're blind and oblivious to us...but not really.
I know they are happy for us.
I know they are happy for us while it lasts.

WOOOOOOOO 100th post

Well I just had to post this.
Isn't it stupid how just one phone call can make you feel better...
Ok I guess I overreacted and everything is just O K you've just been busy and thats cool.
Insert: blush and big grin
Sigh everything bad I was gonna write about that was bothering me (smile) it doesn't even really matter at all....................................

BYE :) :) :) :)

Darn it

I just came back from the club and one of my contacts refuses to be taken out so I guess I'll have to sleep in it....doable but annoying since I'm gonna have to try all over again tomorrow.

Vanity sometimes isn't worth the effort.

I LOOK CUTE

I look cute tonight. My face is washed my complexion looks nice and clear, I have on my boy shorts with a little tank top. I am showered with a little lip gloss on my lips and my hair is neat.
Am I am in bed looking at Living Single.
I feel like taking pics of myself but really who am I gonna send them to.
I look cute tonight and I am going straight to bed.

Underground

I think my blog is about to go underground...both of them.

I put up a stat counter because I was curious how many people actually read what I wrote and the answer is not many at all.
It just seems to be stumbled upon when ppl click the next blog link...which is fine. That's fine for this one; I don't need feedback but on the other one....
It probably exists for the about 5 ppl that I gave the address to who don't need therefore to call or email me since they can just enter the link and see the latest predicament I've landed myself in...all except for one thing it is quite censored. There is nothing there that I don't want ppl to read. It's like someone being adamant about being photographed naked but having no problem walking around topless. It seems like a conundrum but makes sense to the person.

So basically I think it needs to disappear, I don't want to keep in contact. I don't want to have to cater to two masters: what they think and what I feel.

But then I get asked...what happened to the blog did you change the link?????
No I'll email it to you.....
Oh it changed to ......
Maybe I'll just do something I don't like to do and lie and say I deleted it...that I'm done with blogging cuz I was over it. It served a purpose and now I'm moving on.
I guess I'll have to practice it to sound convincing when that time rolls around.

I really wish I had gotten into a different university away from anyone I knew. I like isolation, I like knowing no one is checking on me.
I am thankful for scholarships but I regret that I didn't have enough $$ to go to my #1 pick that wanted me but was in truth a pipe dream....sigh I really wanted to live at Foggy Bottom. then I thought Spelman wouldn''t be bad...then I said heyyyyyyyyyy I would luv to do the Univ of Miami, and said HELL TO THE NAW to the all girls Mt. Holyoke.

Yeah sour grapes, I'm not boasting or conceited this just flashed in my mind as I thought about destiny...so many things could be different in my life if certain little things in my life had changed.

If Univ of the WI had sent the letter on time saying that they hadn't received my Univ transcript maybe I would be in med school at home this past yr instead of being in another country in grad school doing something I sorta like...
I was looking at an ad and they had a father opening his daughter's acceptance letter and I thought - don't they know they send a big enveloppe if you get accepted but then I corrected myself...you get a big envelope if you get accepted and actually have $$$ to go or they are offering you enough $$ to go. Other than that they say yay we want you but ummmm your wallet doesn't seem fat enough...you got 2 months to figure it out Peace. \/

It's weird that I could come to a foreign country, get a Bachelor's degree and not even be in debt when the exchange rate is 6:1 whereas if I stayed home and tried to go to school my mom would probably have had to take out a loan.
Maybe I've had it too easy over the years and my mettle is now being tested.
Well tomorrow is a new day and I will figure out a modus operandi cuz failure is not an option.
I really don't know how the topic changed so drasically from the initial.

Anyway, I'm glad I have this spot for myself...yeah I'm selfish I'm an only child that doesn't like to share.

Ex EX eX x X

Ok so I'm chatting with my ex on messenger and he asks me what's a nice way you can tell a girl you are not interested.

Knowing that he's been seeing someone since January and has had sex with her many times and its been enjoyed by both my response is the best thing to do is be honest but regardless of what you say she is going to internalize it as rejection and blame her self and think that the fault is with her rather than it wasn't meant to be.

So apparently she is sprung over him which is understandable: he is goodlooking, caring, a successful young engineer and generally a great guy. She is still sprung even when he told her he still has a thing for his ex (me) and irregardless of that just isn't interested in being tied down in a relationship he wants to enjoy himself outside of the boyfriend girlfriend scene. (I have been his only girlfriend to date and he hadn't had much of the boy/girl mess around relationship in highschool). She says she is willing to wait. I wish her luck with that.

Meanwhile he presses me for a better answer of what he should say cuz he needs it for the aforementioned girl...let's call her J. as well as for this new girl he wants to start dating. Well well, so I ask him when he met her etc and he tells me and immediately I tie it back it to something he told me. See he told me about that day but him meeting that girl wasn't included in it. He described the outing where he went with his friends what they did the jokes everything but didn't mention this girl. So I asked was it the same day when....xyz happened he's like Yeah how did you know that?
SMH

So he needs to figure out how to construct his exit clause for J. as well as this new girl who will eventually reach J's fate.
How great is his life...when I can't even meet one person I am interested in that's in the same country (that's another story).
How great is his life when I actually felt loss when he didn't apply to grad school on time and won't be in the same country as me.
Pretty useless feeling bad and disappointed right?

Well couple this with an article he sent me by email today. Mind you we were both virgins and went about 2 1/2 years of 3 being in a committed relationship and ALWAYS using a condom...We always had one, we were naive virgins never thinking that having sex without a condom could feel any different.

I'm not mad at him. He makes a good point.
But whether it's the coldness of a forwarded email from him forwarded from J. that makes me upset or just feeling judged or just feeling that we keep on getting so off-track to getting back together....Sigh.
I knew the rest of the week was gonna suck.

Back to Earth

Well look how I find out one of my room-mates is looking for a new place and the lease is up on Aug 31st.
Mind you she had no place to live and luckily fell into our arrangement. It's three of us en total.
How did I find out???? My other roommate mentioned it to me when she was commenting that she was nonetoo happy with our landlady....the ditz

Hmmm well it's three months notice now, but when exactly was she planning to say she was tryna get on campus housing?
Was she tryna hedge her bets in case on campus housing didn't work out?
And tell me this when she refused to sign the new contract then I would have what 1 week to find a place.
How come the other roomie knew and I didn't? Maybe she asked?

Well fuck them both I am looking for a single.

This fucking woman the ditz....she better come through on her payments of the gas ...and thats a whole other story.

Ah the things in life that happen and make you realize that there are more important things than sex, love and friendship.



POST EDIT

**Mind you the roomie that is apparently planning to move out doesn't know that I know....Let me see when she actually comes and tells me. It will be interesting to see how much notice she thinks is appropriate.

Now I have a headache and want to go to the cornerstrore and eat about 6 donuts.
(cries) well maybe not cries but the rest of my week is probably gonna suck. and I can see it now I won't be going to Love nightclub for any graduation celebrations...yea when I sulk I REALLY SULK. : (

I need to write in my other blog about my post Cinco de Mayo annoying convo but I can't bring myself to do that cuz it will inevitably end with bitter commentary from me...commentary that I am trying to eliminate. I pretend a lot of stuff doesn't happen but it still breaks me down. I feel like I let ppl get away with murder.

.......

Ok I guess to some ppl I am an impatient person....of course I don't think I am.

I don't like being a nag and I definitely don't like being ignored.
I am not trying to give an ultimatum I just needed to know.
So I have and I am gonna continue living my life for me.

I know what I want... I know what I would prefer for myself but it's inaccessible now and indefinitely so I'll proceed with a clear head and clear conscience... I tried it didn't work. That's life. It just reminds me not to depend on that one thing too much...never to want anything in particular cuz as usual I probably won't get it.


I woke up this morning at 9AM and I thought of you.
I woke up and thought about having sex with you, you touching and kissing me.
I woke up this morning wanting you.
It lasted for a while - just thinking of you.
It lasted for a while then started to think about just wanting to have sex.
Then I just got cold thinking of the last time we had sex.
Then I realized that I am being pushy can't just wasn't recognizing your soft no.

Life is difficult when instinct tells you one thing yet the words and actions of the person tell two different stories....What you want to believe, what they want you to believe, and the truth.

iMPULSE CONTROL

That is the story of my life. Most people wouldn't agree with me but I know how close I come to doing, and saying stuff that I shouldn't.
I have tact, but if I think it won't cause a problem once it's on my mind it's out my mouth.

Why am I here blogging instead of doing my powerpoint presentation it is 5:30AM and I've been at it since about 9PM. I will probably not sleep before the presentation.
Did I mention that I
HATE
HATE
HATE
HATE
HATE
HATE this class.
This blog is really my release :) this is complain central and I don't have to feel guilty about complaining :-)
Hmmm I feel marginally better and those smilies look ridiculous (yes I smiled at that too).
Sigh let me bang out about 20more slides then I will feel better.

I fukkkkkkkkkkkingggggggggg haaaaaaaaattttteeeeeeeeeee this class I will be glad when its 10:30AM and I would have survived yet again something that I thought I couldn't do....albeit shoddily done I would have survived.

Ok Ok

Aight I admit it guys have emotions. Just as I pull myself through the days with mummy-like precision because my mind is stuck on being the recipient of the emotions of someone...so too can this happen to the oft heartless, clueless species called man.
I'm sorry it has to be like this, I wish you would open up and talk about it - say what I can do to help...
I share so much without even meaning to, as evidenced by my numerous posts in here...I always end up sharing a lot about me with you but still it hasn't passed my caution level. You on the other hand internalize, don't share, feel that you need to be a man and not burden me with what's goin on. For there to be an us that is NOT okay. It's not that I want a blithering idiot sobbing in my lap but I'm nosey I wanna know what's going on too.
Let me be in the loop.
I need you to understand that I'm there not only to hang out but also when things aren't all hunky dory and perfect. I can't just know what makes you happy and be satisfied I need to know what makes you sad too.
Yeah yeah I know guys reading this may just be like "chill its really not that complicated", but is that really fair to assume and oversimplify a person.
So I'm gonna bug you and find out what's going on.

I really don't like this chick but her lyrics speak the truth about us...Stay the Night Mariah Carey. Isn't this juvenile using song lyrics to explain your emotions? Well I still DON'T CARE!

You're kissing me
And saying I'm the one you need
To keep you warm
And lay with you tonight
Baby I feel the same way
I don't want to leave
Wanna hold you close
And feel your love inside
But I don't wanna play myself
Cause I know you're with someone else
And I don't need complications in my life
And I don't wanna fall back in
And get caught up in you again
Boy I'm so conflicted in my mind

[chorus]You keep saying stay the night
Just let me rock you till the morning light
It's cold outsideAnd much too late to drive
You know I need you baby
I'm so lost without your love

Obviously, procrastinating just to be
Close to you a little longer now
It's hard for me to break away from you baby
Never could resist you
And I still haven't learned how
And I don't wanna be a fool
But it's hard when it comes to you
And I'm feeling vulnerable tonight
Cause I don't wanna miss the chance
Of reliving our sweet romance
Boy I'm so confused down deep inside

Guys a little insight.

If you are in the bed and she is giving your man meat a blow job, or her nipples get hard as rocks when you flick them with you tongue, or you feel a wet spot on the bed and it's because her vagina is so wet...............................................................................and this girl STILL does not want to have sex with you.

You are not the one.

She is enjoying it but she is thinking of someone else when you touch her and for her it's unfathomable that her fantasy can allow her mind to go as far as to disconnect when she is having sex with you. It's impossible, can't be done. Just give up. Just be her fluffer while she waits for the guy she really wants to have sex with.

Just my 2 cents

Flashback: Lovers and friends

Can guys and girls just be friends....sure, that is if they want to be.

I'm a really curious girl, I get horny.
So I hit on my friend...call it entrapment of what ever...he was shocked but it's not like he didn't take the bait.
So we mess around for a while...no sex because I mean as exciting and taboo as it seems I need to check everything out see what he's working with cuz bad sex or a small dick is a spirit killer.

So everything checks out so this time I decide ok he's gonna get it.
Oral sex out the ying yang....butterfly kisses on my 2nd lips while he is slowly and rhythmically finger fuckin me. We are hard in all the right places and soaking wet in others.

So we are all hot and heavy and I'm like go ahead lets do it.
He looks up at me from in between my legs in disbelief and freezes.....A whole minute goes by (in my estimation) then I look at him and say, "it's cool don't bother."

He has NEVER lived this down. Till now he curses himself for his lapse and has no discernable explanation. He confided in another male friend and got laughed at from sun-up to sun-down.

Fast forward a few years....He is the type that can't let stuff go so he is scheming as to how to get me back in that position and lay the smackdown so he can redeem himself in his own eyes as well as mine.
I cut through the bullshit subterfuge, "you don't have to pretend you like me to get me in a position for a rematch...just say something".
Shocked again and he laughs (Yea I was right)
So we do the deed and ...............................................................................
............................................................................................
..................................................................................................
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

He CUMS TOO QUICK

LOL

He gets it up again in the same session....so I'm like backshots first then prop me up on the edge of the table.........................................hahahahahahhahah

My boy gets all bug eyed and he's like, "FIRST!!!!!" with a panicked timbre to his voice.

I stifle my laugh and say..."Hmmm I don't think this is gonna work out."

He lets out a big sigh and agrees.

It's funny is he gonna want another rematch for this one too?

But seriously we were so cool after and still are good friends. He is my friend that thinks I am a dangerous girl.

A male friend of mine says that I'm dangerous. He says that I understand the games guys play too well and that I'm kinda heartless... I operate like a guy when the emotion isn't there and it seldom is. He says I see and understand things that girls usually get hung up on or act emotional over. I think it depends on whether I like or trust the guy. When I don't fuck yea its easy to be detached. So I guess I don't like or trust much.

He is also referred to here:
http://paper-bag.blogspot.com/2006/02/regression.html#links

and http://paper-bag.blogspot.com/2006/03/sexual-emancipation.html#links

This one was physically fulfilling in terms of the foreplay but as for the actual deed....Well lets just say he didn't bother to ask me how it was afterwards.

Now my other friend well he gets 10/10 on all aspects of the encounter. He knows how to handle his business Mos definitely!

I know and I understand BUT

I know it hurt but I just couldn't / didn't want to tell you about my blog. I didn't want to tell you because I knew that you would judge and I was already judging myself very harshly for my decisions...I was already going through such a period of change and uncertainty I didn't need another opinion, another disagreement about the stuff that I wrote on here that I wanted to vent about, laugh about, be happy about, be depressed about.

I didn't want you to have to read about me having sex with other people and enjoying it...or even having a fuck buddy b/c the girl that you deflowered wasn't into casual sex, wasn't into having sex to soothe a horny itch.

It's complicated the things that I do and the reason's that I give for doing them.
There is one constant...It's that I always love you and will be honest with you when you approach me about stuff.

So I'm in hiding once more and I hope you have learnt your lesson and NOT try to be persistent.

I'm conceited Ha I got a reason.

Ok so we are having a conversation and I tell you that I am considering growing dreads and ask what you think about that...
You say: Don't like them
Why
You: I just don't like them
Me: Well you don't like girls with short hair but you like me, I'm sure you will like me with dreads too
You: oh Ok its like that
Me: It was too easy to resist
You: It's ok I'm immune to stuff like that by now I'm a guy.
Me: Ok

This is a guy/friend that likes(d) me but we both know it's not gonna go anywhere.
I dunno what possesed me but at least we are close enough that WWIII didn't erupt. But honestly speaking that blow was a little low.
Sowwie

Why can't we be intimate...

...without us having sex?
What's wrong with you coming over and laying in bed with me while I play with your dick and you play with my tits while we watch my favourite show Scrubs.

Why is that so impossible?

The NameSake of the Blog

When the Pawn Hits the Conflicts He Thinks Like a King/What He Knows Throws the Blows When He Goes to the Fight/And He'll Win the Whole Thing 'Fore He Enters the Ring/There's No Body To Batter When Your Mind is Your Might/So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand/And Remember That Depth is the Greatest of Heights/And If You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where to Land/And If You Fall It Won't Matter, Cuz You'll Know That You're Right.

Yeah thats the title of the album usually abbreviated by magazines to When the Pawn... (a much more appropriate use of ellipsis than how I use it). The song title is Paper Bag by Fiona Apple. I hope seeing thed video doesn't colour your judgement against the song.

Lyrics

I was staring at the sky
Just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on, o r something like that
I was having a sweet fix
Of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew Was a hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances were
Approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag

CHORUS
Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works,
When it costs too much to love

And I went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb
Looking for a little hope
Baby said he couldn't stay, wouldn't put his lips to mine,
A fail to kiss is a fail to cope
I said, "Honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified
Come on put a little love here in my void"
He said, "It's all in your head"
And I said, "So is everything'" but he didn't get it
I thought he was a man but he was just a little boy

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works,
When it costs too much to love

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold because these hands are just too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
Because I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold because these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

TV Peong (fanatic)

Ok well I am a fan of all things TV; new shows dramas etc. However, when I was a kid there was one thing that would always puzzle me............................................commercials esp family commercials. (ie. one's for cereal etc)

I mean I knew enough to know that the people weren't actually in the TV after all I've seen events being taped but I am so literal I actually thought it was a real family then I extrapolate all manner of logical questions like:
How come they all managed to be home at the same time?
How did the camera crew know that time was good for everyone?
With having to do it more than once (takes) wouldn't someone be late for school work?
Did their parents call ahead letting school know the kids would be late or did they just call on the day according to how the shoot went?
Was it annoying for the kids to pretend that they got along with their siblings?
How did they manage to make it look so natural?

hahahaha
so now as an adult I am puzz..leddddd b...yyyyy
WTR
Omigosh I just forgot what I had been obsessing about "how they did that".
I just can't remember...This is what the post is supposed to be about.....

10mins later
it is just too elusive yall it's not coming back at all.
Maybe it was about body bronzer.
How is it supposed to work?
Wouldn't it be harmful for your skin if it's supposed to highly pigmented and stay that way for days even though you bathe?
Eventually it is going to get sloughed off but does this bronzer, brightener, tanner incorporate itself into the skin in a way that women shouldn't rush pell-mell to embrace.

Well I think I made a good save even though that wasn't the burning question I needed clarificaiton on either....Maybe I will dream about it.

I hope I do.

Eureka

Enlightenment!
I just realized why I just flip out when people say they have been observing me... I think it's because it seems like a perv like a molester lurking around for the perfect opportunity to make their move.
As a child I have seen this face this expression of openness and directness with the subterfuge...with the mask of vice lurking just behind it...the shifty gaze the testing of the waters to decipher whether the rope is taut enough to support the gravity of their act....to push the enveloppe and not be found out....the ability to keep it a secret and quench that burning.....

That side of life is so ugly...being watched feels just as bad as being touched....and it doesn't even feel logically fair to say that...even I can acknowledge that.

Yes you may read this and think I am making a bigger deal of it than I should, and maybe you are right...and maybe I may actually agree with that.

SMH I know I am gonna read this tomorrow and want to delete it.
This is the last one for today...Nitey nite.

Ms Freide please don't be sad for meeeeee - No Doubt lyric

It's like my friends live with more hope of me rekindling my relationship with my exBF (who lives abroad) than I do.

Every yr, actually only the past two, from the time it hits May they ask about his plans for returning to grad school like its a given like its bound to happen....and I the person who should be eagerly anticipating this look at them with bewilderment like...and if I say Elvis is alive are you gonna believe that too.

As much as he wants a relationship with me, he hasn't returned to the US now to findout he missed a deadline for one of his applications. I can't even be mad...I think that's one of my biggest problems, I equal not getting mad with being stress free but it doesn't work like that. My other problem is being too empathetic, I've been the shitty person, I've been the selfish person before, I've been the one down in the trenches begging for forgiveness and to be trusted time after time, so it's difficult for me to write off people I believe in.
Yet I am not a cunumuno (Caribbean slang for a stupid person) I made no expectations that he would be back within a certain time frame. I hoped for a while but never actually did the whole visualization of meeting him at the airport or going apartment hunting together or us going out together like we used to.

I am not a jealous person again another trait that causes problems with us....but I know his focus has been off. He doesn't want a girlfriend but he is seeing someone at home. Maybe instead of going out on all those dates he should have taken care of business. You know what I don't really think that way, I'm just being bitter, sour grapes as I realize the distance and unspoken conversations between us is building a bridge so long it's almost too impossibly long to be traversed for us to find our way back to each other.

Practice makes permanent and it seems like we have perfected the art of hurting each other, my only hope is that it doesn't leave permanent scars.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Africans steups how can you try to persuade me that I should be with you.

I spoke up and said I am not interested in having a boyfriend and you are saying that I need to make a commitment to a "potential" us.
Negro taking one class together with occasional phonecalls does NOT classify as you knowing me. Yes he said he knows me and says all manner of things you are so sweet blah blah blah. He also does not call me by my name. He has decided on a variant of my name tha he likes and calls me that constantly. Hmmm I wonder if its because he forgot my full name.

People think I am crazy and moody because I try to be diplomatic and give muted signs (seems like an oxymorom innit?). So I won't encourage you but I won't be shouting a big fakk off either...I expect people to have some sort of discerning spirit and I try to be tolerant so when stuff is done that I don't like I can excuse it....then I excuse stuff so much it gets to a stage of the straw breaking the camel's back and I go 730 on their ass and spazz out. It's not that I want to hold stuff inside it's just that on a case by case basis I "think" I let stuff go and I dismiss them...then people overstep their boundaries more and more then I blow up when you are in my space.

Don't convince me that I should be with you. When I call you on what your intentions are relationship not friendship don't act all of a sudden like you can't understand my accent. What am I supposed to go the extra mile on the bitch gauge and say...
You like 32-35...................not interested
Your lips look like a months treatment with carmax couldn't solve your problem.....not interested
You speak to me like you are giving a command..................not interested (3rd African guy I have noticed this with maybe I am excessively sensitive to dominating males...you need to be laid back to deal with me cuz best believe I like to be in charge or be mad to think I am in charge)
You ask me my business.............not interested (even my friends get the retort of "...and why do you ask?....why you need to know if I go to church or drink etc...I am apt to lie just to seem less desireable in your eyes)
You are not attractive to me,,,,no one is ugly but seriously I wouldn't want to be out on a date with you and this is according to my standards, my likes and dislikes Not society and certainly NOT my friends.
Surprises are nice but you don't surprise someone with tickets to see the Wizards especially if you don't know if they are interested in basketball. Moreover since you have been badgering me for a date if I caved in because of my food situation (joking) or just to get you off my back why de mudda cunt you gonna carry me to a basketball game that last for fucking ever????
Your aim should be to keep it nice and sweet.
Lord knows why I didn't answer my phone yes I would be highly pissed.

How is a person supposed to know when God is working in their life....every little thing he has a hand in it, it's supposed to be a part of his design so what is the function of you in my life at this point? I feel like I can learn from you be encouraged to do well in my field by you but how can I separate your other interests.

Language barrier fucking lost in translation whatever it is you need to learn that you cannot persuade someone to be with you. And people this is serious I can count the number of times that we have spoken on the phone esp the times that are not related to school...but as de man say he's been watching me....Fukkin watching ME. He must not know my disdain and distaste for fuckin cuntholes watching me from a far fukkking lesbian cunt not this African cunt fucking seriously I know I have problems but these people need to stop observing me from afar, making conclusions and coming up with these unrealistic fairytales of my personality and goodness. Say I'm fukking smart say you observed me and my tits were so perky you could tell my IQ was off the charts and that I could argue down to the ground and back up based on logic. Tell me you watched the curve and size of my ass and realized that its directly related to the cornucopia of knowledge in my brain....look at my thighs and try not to pan upwards towards the triangle of my crotch.

SMH something is wrong with me but when ppl observe me from afar then are convinced they know enough that they know me I get uneasy, apprehensive, and defensive. YOW Mr Jingwe better not come at me wrong cuz I jess got my 3 Star. Yuzimi.

The Masturbation inspiring girl

What is it about me that encourages people to want to masturbate. Yea we have had sex b4 but the encounters are by no means on a regular basis...Somewhat cordial fuck buddies but I've outgrown it an we keep in touch (outside of the extracurricular activities) but not as much as we used to....so why then do you call me talk about past trysts, try to set up a booty call then when I turn it down you say ok cool call me whenever.............................................Silence the easygoing convo is gone.....I ask are you listening r u looking at TV? What's up?
I'm playing with myself.
Big steups so I ask you about basketball etc
Chit chat for a few then I bounce.

Don't you realize that you've done been phased out. Albeit you prob didn't realize cuz my sexual appetite isn't voracious constantly needing your attention but cot damn it's been a while and your cut buddy card is expired!
Get a clue!