ying yang

So I have yet another person to delete from my MSN list because they have died....so I log on today and there was this thing I didn't notice before...A pending request for personal information...I have never even bothered to activate my MSN space.


Of course the request was from Sean.....we chatted all the time but he wanted me to open my space and blog or do pics....I guess me filling out my profile and personal info would have been step one :(. I don't think I'm gonna even bother.

That raised the question should I share my blog with those close to me regardless of what I've written here. Regardless of who I've decided I love or who I love but not romantically anymore, with details of trysts....Is it worth it.

Would I want them to read these facts of my life or is it stuff I wouldn't want them to know anyway.

I'm getting a little paranoid these days. Ihave no kids. I think someone would benefit from carrying my genes but I don't see any baby making in my near future. So whats gonna happen to me??? where is the mini Taj gonna come from if I die randomly and suddenly?

Oh I am excited....but I haven't really shared it with anyone.

Guess what.

I'm gonna be an auntie and weirdly I'm excited,,,weird since I only met my sister a little less than a year ago. If I scrounge through my purse I can probably still find the reciept of the restaurant where we had dinner...my treat of course I just wanted to lavish her with attention, stories as if she could catch up on 20+ years in a few hours.
Hmmmm maybee I should let her read this blog sorta like cliff notes.

I thinkthe woman would probably be scared.

But honestly I'm excited I'm name hunting and secretly hoping to visit once the baby is born.

I'm excited, so excited.

too young too sudden

From the time he started talking....the tone of his voice I knew something was wrong but to not appear paranoid I asked if he had gotten lost. What I really expected him to say was that he just got into an accident.

Well that wasn't it "T I just got some news that ummmmmmm. well Sean drowned. He drowned in a lake in Seattle. His sister just called Peter and he called me. They were unable to recussitate him...

Me: Silence

Well we were on our way to VA to the lime do you still wanna come everybody else just found out.

Me: ummmm no thanks I'll just see yall when you get back.

Paul/Pablo is dead
now Sean is dead.

This time I actually cried right away...has it even been a month yet and yet another friend has died suddenly.

Someone who was fun had a great life was caring sweet funny and I'm not just saying this b/c he is dead he really was all of these things...

Life without options...thats how I feel about my life but someone else loooking in would say different. Maybe its not a lack of options but distaste for the ones that I have.
grrrrrrrr

I guess I'm growing up more everyday.

Fin pt2

I think I'm woman enough to admit defeat and realize when something isn't working. Thats why I'm moving back home. I'll miss the independence that I've been accustomed to since 18 but I think it would be easier for me to go in the direction I want to without worrying about all the things that are constantly on my mind.
The lease is up in august...perfect timing.
Friends will be busy with work and significant others and school so I can just move quietly out of here and really start to live a purpose driven life.
I never realize that I'm going through a phase until its almost over, at the time I feel like this phase defines my entire existence, and now I'm a little more aware, a bit of the cloud has lifted and all that is left for me to do now is plan, plan, plan - something I have avoided because I cannot stand things NOT going exactly how I want them to despite careful planning. But, that is life sometimes no amount of planning works and I will just have to learn to deal with that and hope for the best.

Fin

I think I'm better I think I'm finally over it.

I think I've just woken up a bit and been inspired to live a little more in the right ways and really try to fulfill the potential that I know I have.
Be a little more confident and still go for what it is I want in life even though the path has had a few obstacles that discouraged and disappointed me for a while.

Nothing in life is promised and Paul has shown me that. I'm done bellyaching and moping about it. Time to move on.

so yeah another post about death

I've for most of my life been the person who didn't go to funerals. I think the straw that broke the camel's back was when I went to my best friend's grandfather's funeral . I was really close, I sat with them and I was given a flower to throw on his coffin. I guess to see her cry and seeing her mom sobbing and, to me at 6/7 yrs old, being hysterical just didn't cut it.
I made it clear to my mother that henceforth don't ask me to go to any funerals, I would volunteer if I wanted to.
The last funeral I remember going to was my high school teacher, she had suffer for 2 years with breast cancer. Oh, and I forgot my paternal grandmother's funeral and that was another episode in itself. I had just come home on vacation the night before and I was going to see her the next day. I was about to leave home only to get a call that I was already too late. Sigh.

So what I came on to write about was grief. I'm reading up a bunch of stuff off of websites because not only have we all lost a friend, I feel like I'm losing another due to guilt. This friend is the lucky one the one who got dropped off just before the accident happened; he's the one who replays that early morning searching for some way of knowing, for some way of preventing what happened.

How was the funeral was a stupid question to ask but how do I ask; did you cry? Do you want to talk about it?
You say everything is fine anyway.
I make time and buy a phone card to call overseas just to let you know that I'm there for you and you were nice, you even joked around...but if I feel the way that I feel from where I am...I can imagine how you feel saying bye to someone then getting a call that someone you just touched is now dead.....thinking that you happened to get dropped off then and probably could have been in the car as well.
Sigh.
I just have to keep on taking deep breaths and hope that eventually you say something...express something.

:(

It's weird. Today I deleted him as a messenger contact. Now people usually do this when they don't want to talk with someone anymore, but this time I know it's because he could never reply or sign in again. I hope someone in his family can disable his hi5 account or maybe I'll just do myself a favor and delete him from my friend list.
Death is so ridiculously permanent.
Sigh

Ok

So I had a reality check. What's love got to do with it? Nothing. I don't need to verify what he said before, there will be no more talk of moving, and my feelings for him don't exist anymore.
Him as a confidante probably won't happen anymore since it probably works out as an ego thing rather than a I care about you thing.

I'm not angry just resigned. I see it now. I see it clearly.
Sex is sex, love is love and the two were never present together.
I'm not going to ask why he said this or did that; I can only control my actions and emotions and thats what I'm going to do.

I think this time he is really going to get erased. It's really not a benifit to me and it's just not healthy.
So for me it's either a hibernation starts or just destructive behavior. I am gonna try really hard to be positive about everything else going on in my life right now.

So

So today is the funeral, my mom went to his house the other night and she is going to the funeral.
Wow
I haven't really cried yet, I don't know how come, but a lot is going on in my life now, so maybe its all to much and crying would just result in my hibernating in my room and that is absolutely not what I should be doing now.

Too young to die

And another daughter grows up without her father.


There is so much more I can say about him but It wouldn't even be sufficient. It wouldn't even adequately express what I want to say.

Rest In Peace Paul

Doesn't he know the word sorry?

It's amazing when people try to answer a question which clearly required a yes/no answer with sort of or maybe.
What does that mean? and thats exactly what I asked, and he chose to say yes.

It's strange I trust him and think its just talk then look what happens, and unless he said something I would never have known. Who knows how many times it happened?

An explanation or sorry would be nice because the way I see it that doesn't just happen, you have to decide to do it.

Strange even after he got me pissed I didnt do the typical turn my back to him and fall asleep. I probably actually snuggled and spooned with him.
And another time after we had sex I gave him a practically full body massage.

What is this? I swear I don't even know myself anymore.

_____________________________________________________
Aside from the above issue:
I have no idea why I confided in him. I usually deal with stuff on my own esp. stuff that people can't help me with ie you can't make the situation better or help so why involve you in my misery?

I guess I was panicked so he was the 1st person I called and now that I've had a chance to really think he is going to be the only person I call about that problem. And I STILL can't believe I called him.

Its strange just this week I was thinking I need someone to lean on, depend on and open up to, trust- ie I want not need - a boyfriend. I was going to call a guy I met but with new situations I basically deleted his number. You can't add uncertainty on top of chaos. I'll just keep it simple and open up here.

It's tough though to have friends and family and still feel alone.

_______________________________________________________
BTW why does my ex always ask me about my sex life. I know he doesn't really want to know and I don't like being a liar cuz I know he would blow a gasket at the truth.

Why why why does he ask?

What am I to say the 2 persons you are paranoid about well I've had sex with them one of them I've said I love you to.

So when you ask if me and the guy were dating what am I supposed to say.
I've had sex in the past 6months and haven't been dating so who am I supposedly having sex with?
Ans: Some cowboy that rides into town once a year that I drop my panties immediately to have sex with. How do I explain that?
Ans: Obviously someone that I know from before.
Who? do I know him?
I know thats where this convo is going because if I haven't been dating for the year (fact) then who have I gotten to know so well that I've decided to have sex with them?

What do I do?