Harsh

Yes I know my previous post was harsh. He is a nice guy I was just annoyed and for his sake wouldn't you rather I write it here than just blast all of that in his face. PS I have nothing against Trini guys. Ok no one got me mad today, I'm just tired.

Sexual history?

Ok I never really had to address this past sexual history thing mainly because I didn't have one. Until recently I had only had sex with one person... and before that my sexual history wouldn't be considered sexual by most of the teens in the US.
So now that the situation has changed I never really thought about someone asking me "my number" or whatever. I see stuff like that being on a need to know basis and you only need to know that if "I" am contemplating having sex with you. Actually that's a lie I expect a guy to ask if he is trying to go that way with me but I expect a single question NOT a barrage of follow-up questions.
I am a fairly honest person and fairly polite so I'm stuck either way. I can't exactly bring myself to say "Piss off nunya rasshole business," but then again that's how I feel. So this is in reference to the person from A little ditty.
Ok so were lying there I just finished looking at Eddie Murphy's Raw about 3/4 of which was hilarious. I didn't particularly feel like looking at it but he insisted. I was thinking hmmm ok lets just talk then go to sleep but he wanted to watch the DVD and after that talk and its already 2:30 am. Ok fine I guess he likes marathon sessions. I'm not the one that has to get up at 8 am so I'm all for it. So cool conversation, bullshit, sense, nonsense, his heartbreak failed relationships etc, funny stories. Then to start talking about girls him trying with girls on campus etc..."So ammmm, so what's your number?" It was asked so hesitantly I was kinda like "huh? What u talking about".
Ok fine so I told him. Silence I was like ummm I'm not a sharing person so if you expect me to just volunteer details its not going to happen ask what you want to know. It may or may not get answered.
Another fucking question...any of those from home or just from College.
College
Him: "So ammmm how come it was like that"
Well I wasn't ready then or even remotely interested in sex then, I was about hanging out with friends and chillen.
Him: So it was a kinda u reach college so u wanted to lose it?
a pause....um no It was in my junior yr
Him: So it was with ur boyfriend?
Yeah
Him: So when u and your boyfriend ended it?
_______
Him: So the other(s) were after that?
Yeah
Him: Hmmm so in dat time... (trails off), ok u were busy then
Silence
Him: So they were flings or what
Me thinking "Well its more complicated than that but not to be discussed with you".... so I say yeah they were flings.
Him: So ummm it was a multiple times kinda thing?
Yes
Him: Oh...........Silence
So armmmm Who were these guys
No one you know
Him: But like who
Ok ___ and ____
Him: Hmmmm I ent know dem nah
I roll my eyes in the dark

I am a fool for bait I luv to give ppl rope and see how long it takes for them to hang themselves. I didn't really want to answer but I wanted to see how much "no - sense" he had. He just kept on going and going I was like is he going to ask me if ah eva fuck outside, or in a bathroom what makes me cumm etc? No tact whatsoever!
He totally showed his age (and his ass) there.....To me it would have been more effective and less invasive if he simply asked, "have you ever had and HIV test, and when was that?". Even if he added on, "how many sexual partners have you had," that would have been fine.
Also I'm wondering was this just his innate "fastness" (malicious curiousity) or is he asking this b/c he thinks in the future he will "hit it".
I have already told him I am an AGEIST (I discriminate by age). I am never interested in Guys younger than me and that conversation just cemented it. I am annoyed now that I answered his questions (since I have NEVER discussed my history in depth with someone that I haven't had sex with) but I guess you live and learn. But till now I haven't asked him one question about his sexual history not even when he lost his virginity which is a pretty standard question.
Why haven't I asked him because I don't care and it has no relevance cuz he is so not even going to get to touch, caress or even breathe on this puss. Basically, he thinks he has me figured out, it's like, "...ok she's older she is into the getting to know you stuff etc, " but if you haven't tried to kiss me by now you've basically been digging the friendship hole and right now its sooo deep, it's as deep as the well in the movie The Ring. Steups tryna put his resume out there like you know he tried talking to the younger girls and dey not ready, and he was always interested in older girls and somehow he slips in that he has a 4.0. Sigh he humble for the most part but on one occasion to trip yourself up multiple times so horribly probably indicates when I thought you were comfortable you were probably just keeping your head above the water in dealing with me.
You can really tell a guy that's raised solely by his mom he gives off an air of exclusivity like he's a "bess thing" (sl: best thing - the best out there that ur gonna find, basically he acting like his shit is tighter than mine.....girls don't like that) and he needs to be more selective and discriminating than any other guy (or even you the girl) when choosing a girl. Well he grilled me, and I probably met his standards but "nutten nah gwan atall!!!!" and I hope in his young life , in his musings, he may actually come figure out the occasion where the divide was made obvious and impassable.
The impression I came away with (from his persp.) was, "...where I put my dick is more important than whose dick is put in ur pussy. So I need to be extra careful and I wouldn't volunteer info after cross- examining you because it should be a given that I'm not a ho and have been careful all my life." Punto finale.
Steups also I've noticed God gives me a lil nudge. I am by no means a miser but when a guy fucks with my money that's a good sign as any to bail ship. Due to incidences that happened earlier this year, I can see the warning signs plain as day. We went out on Sat, the car got towed and being the nice female I am when he dropped me home I gave him near to half the towing costs. He was thankful and appreciative, but on the ride home had previously made the comment, "like you bad lucky." I blame myself for enough shit in my life I don't need someone heaping stuff on me even if he was joking - it was a pathetic attempt.
The incident he was referring to was when a group of friends went to UMD about 5 of us in the car and I almost didn't even go. It was about 3 cars following each other, all the drivers were guys and the leader was showboating IMO and the others following. However, stop signs were ignored and only given a perfunctory tap on the brakes while going about 60mph on a narrow backroad. So we get there in one piece and enjoy about 45 mins of the party before it ends...its in a campus building. So everyone heads to the cars to leave to go to another off-campus party the same follow-the-leader is in effect. I have lived in MD these ppl are very particular about their road safety plus its a white campus at Halloween of course they are monitoring shit. I'm not tryna be anyone's momma so I mention ONLY once that those red signs at the junctions with the letters S * T * O * P means that you come to a complete stop look both ways then proceed. I'm brushed off and we are stopped 2 mins after on the UMD campus and he gets a ticket. There was some other stuff that we were stopped for that wasn't his fault but basically the vehicle was impounded b/c of that other stuff. Luckily we came in a lot of cars or else we would have been S.O.L.....That is basically what happened verbatim, besides my presence on both occasions nothing was my fault to constitute that badlucky comment......Fukkkin annoying.
So, I'm noticing a trend and I luv to break cycles so I'll do just that.
So no sleepovers, no hugs nothing that will distinguish him from other guys that I know.

Also, I ain't rich either but I don't like to talk about money. I went shopping on Black Friday bought some stuff I didn't really need, but it was on sale. He asks what I bought...fine, then he asks how much I ended up spending. What de cuddas munt!!!!!! (yes I know it backwards I trying to lessen de cussin'). He showing the typical Trini mentality. That's harsh. Whatever mentality it can be classified as I find it annoying and that's why I could never have a Trini boyfriend. Steups.
PS I am soooooooooo glad that we never kissed. I probably would have had to flog myself as punishment. Ok thanks for letting me vent. Sometimes I might be harsh letting one thing dictate how things go but intuition is intuition!

Question of the day.

Can you recreate a totally mind blowing sexual experience? I mean if the person had to choose and said remember that time when.....could it be the same? Granted that since it already happend b4 it can't logically be the same, but could it be close enough?
See me I'm temperamental I'm like an old car I have my good days and bad and if its a good day you better get everything you needed to get done done.
See I am impulsive. (Gee lower your eyebrows!) So granted that I do something a certain way once chances are I can't amass the same zest or interest that I had at the time or even remember how I did it. I'm all for creating new memories though so I guess that will have to suffice.

I am stupid and a chickenhead ;)

Ok I am an idiot you may say that's harsh but honestly the reason why your comments haven't appeared is because ummmmmm I just found the moderate comments tab {insert embarassed smiley}. I am so sorry peeps. I never even got the email notification b/c I never put in my email address {insert embarassed smiley....again}. Ok thats the most sorry's that you will hear from me.
BYe :)


******Post edit the chickenhead part came in b/c I went to see Buju in concert and I am fully convinced that I would lay down and have sex with him.....with one caveat. The sex must result in impregnation. His artistry turns me on I feel we are kindred spirits and while people continue to pick their favorite DJ between Beenie and Bounty, Buju has always and will continue to be my Love Sponge.
I mean from my first lil houseparty at 11 grinding to Dickie to enduring heartache of situations I couldn't control
Go if you want
Girl I cant stop u
U know I love you
Do what you have to

To Love Sponge which was out when I had my biggest crush ever. So Buju much like Mary (J Blige) and Gwen (Stefani) and Fiona (Apple) have been there for me in my darkest and happiest hours. Thank you baby and anytime ur ready for the most amazing seed the world has ever or will ever see.... Link meh zeen!

Wow and ooooh(its like a totally clean vid)

I may be late to see this but Click here
It's football. go ahead... click it

OUr tIme?

I may be dead honey

but i was left with my eyes

and underneath sugar

well i've been stung by your lies

and my heart baby

is cold and blue

We're two of a kind baby

Me and You

It's our time sweet baby

To Break on through

It's the year to hated

so glad that we made it

Cuz all the kids in the street

Whisper sounds that sweet

The stars under their feet

Well it's the year to be hated

This song is by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and to me its talking about reaching the pinnacle after a long climb... about finally being a couple after trial and tribulation. Where does the hate part come from? It comes from being the perfect couple that people love to hate. It our time to be that perfect and in love.

So many times I've waited for "our time" with different people and it never came. I have the routine down cold I know how to notice it and I know the warning signs and I hold back just enough so that I don't end up Waiting for Godot (its a book, absurb but with lots of "symbolism").

So I held back and survived but then he dangles the cheeze before me. They say a promise is a comfort to a fool, but what kind of fool are you when you are comforted even without a promise. I had to laugh at that one, isn't it absurd? So he dangled the cheeze so long that it has gotten mouldy....very mould. What was the purpose of offering the cheeze if you had no intention of giving it to me or throwing it away even. Its not even a state of limbo since that suggests that there is a forward or backward movement possible. Its a state of confinement, but I like to be free.

I saw the Oprah episode with Terri McMillan and her gay giggalo jamaican ex-husband. Thru all the drama a few things stayed with me. (actually only 2) The psychiatrist told Terri she needed to self-protect better and be more selective about the people she trusts and lets into her life. Another thing she said probably contributed to the problem is knowing when enough is enough...Yes you went to Jamaica...yes it was a good fuck (no she didn't use that word on Oprah's show that's me I have a dirty mouth...I need some Orbitz gum WOT{way off topic}) but probably it was supposed to be for a season. Maybe you weren't supposed to spend 300 thou + in legal fees to try to get him in the US to get him to be a citizen etc.

So I'm realizing that holding on to the regret of "relationships" past if you could call them relationships is the wrong approach. According to those TD Jakes emails let it GO! It was for a time and that time is over. It wasn't "our time" but it was "a time".

****Separate from the above post its taken me a while to realize that the most talking you are ever going to get out of a guy is at the begining while you two are getting to know each other. After that window of newness the conversation goes and routine steps in. Its not that I'm a talker or even that I just like to hear myself talk. It's just that I appreciate exchanging ideas not for the value of "knowing how someone ticks" to try to psychoalnalyze them but for my own edification, to expand my ability of looking at things differently.

I don't know if its annoying that I post several things on the same day and they are different posts with different titles but its just that thats how it makes sense to organize it to me.....hahahahaa who am I kidding it bothers noone cuz yall deleted the email with the link I sent you. :)

Buh I nevah!

This is one straight from the inbox. I can't even make up the stuff that happens in my life ppl.

A quick note to inform about my whereabouts. I decided to take some time
off ....it may even be regarded as preretirement leave depending on how one
looks at it. In any event I will be off till next school year at the end of
which I will likely pack it in. Am in London and plan to be here with
occasional forays here and there until February when I will be going to T******.
I must admit that at this point in time I am at a bit of an odd place so my
actions may seem a bit unusual or even strange but I am of sound mind, though I
am somewhat uncertain about what exactly I wish to do once I retire. so this
year is one of pre retirement exploration....am certain I will come up with
something worthwhile likely in the Caribbean. I know that there must be
some way of saying this "nicely" but I can't believe that neither of you
thought it appropriate to send me a note re your meeting in Washington.....am
assuming it took place, and even if it didnt couldn't someone have said so? This
is not am issue of loyalty or even respect, just courtesy.

Ok this is a letter from the guy that donated 1/2 my DNA. And it seems like he is chastising me a lil bit. What for you may ask? Well basically he helped set up a meeting between me and my sister. We had this meeting maybe in August Lemme check I saved the bill from the restaurant....Yes it was august. I met my 29 year old sister for the first time and eight months before that she met her father & spoke to him for the first time in her life. Basically she got to do at 29 what I did at about age 10.

In a terse email 1 week before our meeting he informed me of this sister and the amazingly opportune circumstance that I could get to meet her. (opportune b/c she is Bahamian). So exchanged numbers for us and it was up to us to make the next step and we did. He seems miffed that he still doesn't know if we met.....Poor Samuel. yeah right. He got this girl's mom pregnant when she was 16 yrs old and he was in college with her older cousin. She left Canada and went back to the Bahamas to have her baby. He knew she was pregnant and never so much tried to keep in contact or find out about his child. She (my sis) had to go looking for him and track him down to meet her father. In seems like in 29 years he never even thought of her. Breathe Taj Breathe.

What was I supposed to write back and tell him? Each time I try to put the past behind us and create any sort of relationship your past comes and fucks it up??? That I have no space or function for you in my life? I was taught if you have nothing nice to say just don't say it. And I feel like you can't choose your family, but sometimes you honestly just don't like them as a person. I don't really respect him.... not in a confrontational way but if he were any guy on the street I would think his character was low and shady. Just because he helped make me I'm supposed to give him a "bye" and let it slide.

I have not responded to his email I don't think I will. He hasn't sought it fit to tell me of his new girlfriend even though his divorce papers are far from being drawn up. They are everywhere together... Ok fine. Why would you bring her when you are meeting your daughter for the first time is she that important?

He has realized that he has fucked up his life and damaged those around him and I think he is overwhelmed by the effort it takes to change it. Its weird my mom says that I sometimes have his cold, unreactive, detached tendancies- ...no she didn't use those words I just surmised this and did I mention I'm hardly ever wrong?...- and its weird we are both Aquarians but he has none of the traits we are know for.... passion, honesty, caring...its like he stumbled his way through life and just looked up and realized its half over and soo many ppl are mad or disappointed in him.

I have no sympathy empathy understanding or pity for him. He's simply a man that I never knew....

One final word even though I push these things out of my mind they do affect me. It makes me feel victimized like I should stay inside all the time. It makes me think if a girl can't have her father's love then whose love is she worthy of?!?

An unkind cut but by far not the worst

Ok well this is one thing that made he burning mad once not to mention hurt and embarassed. So here the poem goes. Chuckle I'm so crazy I deleted the dreadful poem. Ok well imagine the most hurtful things and ex could say to you add an audience of about 50 ppl at a poetry cafe, a mike and let the wrath fly. That is exactly what I experienced. I thought I was going to support a friend's debut on the poetry mike but what I got was more like the finger. To have to sit and listen to such harsh words while not trying to react...one of the most difficult things in my life. So I'll offer this one instead...its definitely not as harsh but you get the point.
Actually I changed my mind I don't want to post it its from the past and thats why I don't have the original poem b/c I wanted to move on and rereading it only made me harbour that anger and trust me it was a slit-your-throat in the middle of the night anger.
So here is a picture that I have on my phone screensaver. I am trying to be friends with M but I forgot my phone there when my housemate and I were over there hanging out and I guess she looked at my phone and sent me the following texts:

Okay I have tried to fight the urges and truly I am working really hard not to
act on them but I have a harmless request I would like to have a copy of that
pic 6:18pm

Come on it is so damn next to impossible to see that and not well i will stop
before I get into trouble 6:21pm

I am truly hoping that I did not upset you if i did I apologize for putting
myself ahead of your feelings 6:29pm

I am at the end of my rope I have, countless times explained to her (yes her...if you ain't up on it do some back reading) what I think is inappropriate and still I have to deal with thisssssssssss ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I think I'm just gonna ignore her b/c I am tired fighting.

Now I am getting smarter it takes a while but I'm getting there Topic change just in case you haven't realized. I've gotten better at realizing when friends are trying to change the relationship. Hence today when I heard the line "Hey we should hang out this week and chill. I'll finally get to experience your backrub skills, " In my mind I was like hold up.... he's tryna "kick it" in true Love Jones fashion and I'm having none of it. I'm a pretty honest person if you call my phone I'm gonna answer it but I'm learning to take preventative measures so I probably will not answer my phone and give the obvious cop-out answer that I was sleeping and didn't hear it.
Its just weird....... you know your friend's secrets he was cool with your ex and if there was a lime/get together they would definitely be in the same space. I can't deal with that I don't want to deal with it. I know who he slept with on the low and I've seen how he treated the girls he has slept with on the low. I've snickered about it and he pretended to be embarassed. Its too close and I'm not young and curious anymore. I know how this story goes.............................

(About and 2 hrs later this thought comes) It's weird I don't like to be considered the sexy or pretty girl because I don't see myself that way. I see a bony, wild 8yr old trying desperately to be liked and included. I see myself as the smart girl, the nondescript smart girl. Being sexy gets you an annoying lesbian crush; being nice and accessible allows you to be taken for granted; being idealistic and optimistic gives false hope and a shaky grasp on reality; being a thinker makes you consider everyone else's feelings above your own.

I am a guy

I swear I am a guy. I compartmentalize things. I know that I can't find all that I want in one person so I have no problem with multiple people catering to me.... sex, friendship, flirtation, confidante all covered. Is this wrong? Is it wrong to have these multiple people in your space? I think not as long as the schedule/pace is dictated by you.... but then does this make you a user or simply pragmatic? Is it still manipulation if you yourself aren't sure what your intentions are? hmmmm. Either I'm a really lucky girl or karma just hasn't caught up with me yet....I'm still undecided. I was thinking about starting a weekly confessional post about some low things that I've done...but thats waaaay TMI for yall plus anonymity does not guarantee dignity. So scratch that idea plus why revamp the past... its all mouldy anyway.

A little ditty

I love the way things are right now. I like the talks I like getting to know you and cooking with you even though you're really bossy in the kitchen. I love the fact that you haven't tried to kiss me but that we cuddle so much and watch movies and reminisce and share about our lives. Its funny that even though schedules are hectic we still never find time to hang out but when we do we totally overcompensate. I like the fact that I never care about how I look when I wake up next to you and even though I cancel on a lot of our dates/ times to spend together you never get annoyed. I don't think you are unattractive I just don't feel like jumping your bones. You are attractive after all I did notice you and flirt with you, but somehow I don't want things to get really physical - to go past us spooning with me giving you a "dead arm" where my head rests and your other hand resting on my stomach. Its sooo funny when you act like its the first time you're touching a breast and you can't stop even if I'm on the phone. It's hilarious that I fall asleep in 5-7mins while you probably fidget all night (since you're accustomed sleeping alone) and you rearranging me all night doesn't annoy me as much as I thought it would - hell I'm usually still asleep. lol. I like the fact that you're honest and have admitted that you are guilty of doing stuff to girls that I've been annoyed by that guys have done to me in the past. I'm enjoying this period while it lasts b/c all things come to an end sooner than later. I hope that in the future I don't have to regret giving you this time, my time.

Sigh

I have had dreams where I wake up in my dream to a snake in my bed. I'm tense, and my palms are cold and my heart is pounding yet I pick the snake up go to the back door and set it free outside. I have had that dream and it still isn't my worst. The one that makes my heart cold nad jerks me awake is this. One of my worst recurring dreams is getting a phone call that my ex has committed suicide. Gruesome right. I have no reason why I would dream something like that and I try to keep in contact as much as I can. He has by no means made me think that he is suicidal but I know that he is unhappy with some of the things in his life. Worse yet his dad committed suicide when he was about 10. On the day he died his dad was supposed to pick him up from his aunts house for them to go out and spend time together. The time came and went and he got so pissed he was so mad and upset at his dad but that was the day that he chose to kill himself. I worry for him for his health for his young son and his baby mama issues. I really wish I had the means to help more.

Small ha ha

Ok ppl so I'm thinking of getting a belly piercing but I'm conflicted....I love me so in my opinion my bellybutton is unique and has a hotness of its own I don't need a belly ring or chain to enhance it but its so darn cute!
I don't want something that like blocks my belly button b/c she is too cute u should see her.
So I was talking to a friend of a friend that has her tongue pierced and asked her if she had a belly piercing.... girl says nah she couldn't possibly do that. In disbelief I'm like u could pierce your tongue but not your belly button?!?!?!
Girl reason that she doan wanna be piercing her skin !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well I neva dat was 2 mins ago and I here crackin up privately. It just seems silly to me but to each her own.

I think I am gonna do it. I just dont want the jewelry to be huge... and even though everyone (practically) has one mine will be diff. b/c its TCs ;) Besides since I was like 16 I wanted one I guess I forgot.....my brain is sooo bad.

Great this is all I need

AQUARIUS
Monday, November 14, 2005
(Tomorrow)
Today is about handling the truth with dignity. An illusion about your past is about to be shattered. The veil of fog lifts to reveal people for who they really were and what they really did.


and would you believe after all that going to the health center to make sure that I didnt have a medical hold on my account I STILL FORGOT TO REGISTER. SOMETIMES I WORRY ABOUT MYSELF!

Parang in yuh koofum!

Parang comes from the Spanish word "parranda" (action of merry making, group of serenaders). In Trinidad it refers to folkloric music of Hispanic American origins. In Dominican Republic the music is called "arguinaldo". Parang bands would move from house to house in the neighbourhood serenading family and friends during festive seasons. It would be customary for families to greet the Paranderos with drinks and food....

Ok on with the story. So a friend calls out of the blue and tells me a certain club is gonna have parang and some local artistes - from home. I'm kinda thinking of going so I ask who exactly is on the roster. So she rattles off about 5 names then I'm like Ok I won't be supporting it. There was a long pause and a hard swallow and she's like u don't wanna go. I'm like ummm I don't want to support Barron (an artiste). (Sidenote he does not perform parang but ballads, but the event was advertised as a parang thing).
So I quickly explain. Years ago like when I was 10 thereabouts my mom formed this promotion company hahahah there I go lying again not a company basically her and her friend went into business together to bring local acts to the area where we lived. Basically it was a big deal since none really came though where we lived or even thought it was a good market for that b/c the felt ppl didn't get out much but the reason they didn't (come out much) was b/c there was nowhere to go. (typical catch-22)
Ok so they started off their stuff. They brought a theatrical play and about 4 headlining performers before getting Barron. His show was supposed to be special. He is a crooner so they brought him for the mother's day show. Deposits were paid to the performer, hotel accomodations booked, band hired, place rented, tickets sold, guest acts hired etc. Basically the place was filling up nicely and I was doing my job keeping out of my mom's hair so as not to make her stressed out. I was playing my position nicely besides I was just concerned with getting backstage to make additions to my autograph book.
Hmmm 1 hr till showtime Barron could not be found word is hmmmm he decided not to come. Phones aren't being answered and little old blue haired ladies are filing in being escorted by sons, grandchildren, daughters, and husbands; wives were walking in cosily with their husbands etc.
They waited an hr and a half before announcing to the audience that there would be no show. There were instant refunds even of prepaid tickets. That was probably the only time I had ever seen my mom out of her depth meaning embarassed. And I felt everything that she did.
What do I think I'm doing to him by refusing to pay to go to his show now? Isn't it petty? I am a person that really does forgive and forget but why 10 years later do I feel the need to give him the finger or if I attended find a way to shit him up and let him know karma is a bitch and a little girl never forgets. I would love to hand out flyers and posters with this information at the venue. It's not that I don't want him to eat its just that he needed/needs to suffer. I am not a vindictive person when it comes to my issues but it seems like when it comes to my mom and protecting her I can never "forgive and forget".
Case in point my mom built her house on her own. Whenever workmen got creative and figured they knew better than her the design that her,the architect and engineer developed she dealt with them. However besides the daily stress and expected headaches of the guys the person I loathed the most was the contracter(sp) the guy in charge of everyone. He had been recommended by a friend but the difference was that friend had a husband. I remember being a child and not having a voice and him constantly asking for more and more money. I remember sitting on evenings waiting while my mom counted lumber, bricks, paint cans and so many other things. Money was spendin/wastin like it was water and he didn't show any concern or consideration. Everytime his kids got new stuff he was earmarked for an act of vandalism from me. Since he was a man most times I messed with his truck. He could never understand how it could be parked on gravel but look as if he went through the muddiest track in the Amazon or how drops of paint ended up on his ride. It was probably very petty but c'mon I was 8 and I felt so satisfied when I did it. Needless to say we were never friends and he always got major attitude from me. Hey is your mom home? Me: Yeah (I would stay sitting on the porch looking out simply idle) Well could you get her for me I need to talk to her (Read: I need more $$ for something she gave me money for already) Me: Sure (I begin to pick my nails for a good 2 mins before getting up) He never shouted at me, reprimanded me, or called me rude and I always wondered why. In my warped view I figured he knew the "don't fuck with me look" even from a 7yr old. LOL

Anyways basically my mom's friend is a lawyer so Barron got carried to court but it dragged on for about 3-4 years. I guess his manager figured artists do it all the time and ppl don't take the time to carry them to court but this time he figured wrong. I don't remember getting the fringe benefits of any settlement but they won the case and he had to pay them money. I have no recollection how much b/c it was more about the principle of the thing more than anything else and thats all I have to say about that.
And since humans think in trains....trains of thought that is that led me to remember how down my mom and her friend are for each other. I dunno if they were friends in high school or afterwards but their friendship has survived her and her fam. relocating to Florida then moving back 3 yrs later cuz the kids weren't adapting well; to her friend moving behind God's back. The reason for that move so that everybody didn't know where she lived or else there would be a line from there to town of ppl that needed help whether legal or otherwise (ie familiy disputes etc) and she had enough of that to cope with during her regular hours (of course she had her own practice). Growing up I always felt I would learn to be a paralegal working in her office but alas they moved away again. But I like stories like that just easy going friends...no fuss no competition etc. Needless to say her kids were friends of mine.
And anytime I remember her son I remember probably the unkindest thing I have ever done and still feel guilty about. Basically he was effeminate. VERY effeminate...strange for a little boy growing up in a house with a father that was in the Guyanese army. It didn't bother me because I guess I was accustomed to it but at school he got teased mercilessly.
Soooooooooooooooooo basically even though I knew better I joined in and called him Auntie Jason (not his real name) very singsong and repetitively with a group of ppl. I have no idea why I was up for that bullshit so early in the morning but basically he had forgotten his lunch in the car and his father walked back to give it to him and I was caught. He didnt care that anyone else was saying it only that I was saying it. I got the whole I'm disappointed in you rap along with we raise you children like siblings and as his sister you should stand up for him always and finally the ego deflating "Be true to yourself". Well after that I was sooo broken and ashamed about what I did I apologized to him directly and in true Jason form he gave me a hug and a kiss and we all had a sleepover that weekend. Now I look at him and I am soooo proud of the man he has grown into. If I was 10 when that happened he was no older that 5 or 6 how cruel right! I was just imposing all of society's bullshit on a 5 yr old. Anyway for the record he is straight, gorgeous and a beautiful specimen of an absolute gentlemen and he is a great dancer. I luv ya San-he (nickname).

Should I be mad or annoyed?

Do I have to revoke my feminist card if I can't decide?
Scenario, I'm looking at a lil football game. Having a convo with a guy that accused me of being too good to talk to him our entire 4 yrs at college. I told him u never spoke to me either and he's like well I gave u the head nod a few times. I shook my head I was like ummm maybe I missed it but it was cool and all in fun etc it was accusatory but not hostile. Unbeknownst to him I knew his first and last name and even had a nickname for him CCB - Chocolate Charlie Brown....needless to say he's black and has a big head shaped a lot like Charlie...he was on the school soccer team and held some sort of student office.
Anyway so I'm there talking shite with him and my two friends when a ball hits me on the ass. Mind u its not the ball from the game random ppl are just playing with balls since there are extras. Basically I ignore it and continued talkin didn't even turn around. I don't stop midsentence but I lean my head to the right and start to touch my right ear (in Taj language that means I'm uncomfortable). Now I realize its being done on purpose. I turn around I see a group of male friends (friends being used loosely I only see or speak to them on Fridays when I'm here and had a small crush on one 5yrs ago but that died a swift even aborted death). So I smile shake my head and brush it off and continue talking. The ball "missed" and hit my leg so now I just take my left hand and spread it over my ass (well obviously not the entire thing its one hand) to stop the ball from hitting it and making it jiggle. Jiggle you say and I glare back and say yes only because I had on sweats and not jeans. Finally I think whoever(s) doing it gets the picture and the "friend" comes across to apologize saying it was his associates and he was trying to get them to stop looking at and assaulting my ass. Then he goes amiss saying that they/he was just testing the bounciness for future knowledge. To keep the peace I did a lil chuckle and they couldn't tell that I was a lot angrier/confused than I let on.
Anyways I was like aight cool and I'm wondering if I should be mad, if I should have made a stink about it. I'm the kind of person if you do a grab and go in the club best believe you gotta have quick hands cuz if I know who did it they are in BIG TROUBLE. So what makes it ok if a friend does the same to u. In one case you read it as disrespect but if a friend does it its okay?

HOrror of all Horrors!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well first I'd like to offer an explanation not an excuse for my previous blog. My brain was highly addled. You see I was sick either due to a flu or to being allergic to the mounds of dust in the house (we had to have a few minor repairs that required cutting the ceiling/dry wall etc replete with replacements and painting). So confused was I that I decided to take flu meds (Tylenol multi-symptom) unfortunately when I got up in the morning I realized I had taken 2 24 hr allergy tablets and that my overnight cureall was a dupe and I would be as sick as I was the day before and just as spaced out. (I dunno but when I take my allergy meds esp on an empty stomach I'm sorta high-not euphoric for the day and I am never hungry) So anyway I get up and go about my day. I go to the health center and I get immunized for HepB and get a TB skin test. I manage to go to the bathroom just before I'm called and blow all the snot out of my nose. I go to the back and try to look as non sick as possible since the info sheet on Hep B vaccinations says It's not the smartest thing to get immunized if you are already sick. I stifle my cough and look around furtively so see if the ruse is up. Because I stifled the cough my eyes are watering and the typical Health Center aroma (read stench nahhh thats too harsh smell) is not helping. So I keep it together and get my shot. Oh my fukkkking gosh it hurts so badddddddd. I am no pussy and I expected it to hurt to a certain extent but the tears in my eyes and accusatory wild-eyed expression prompted the nurse to say, "I'm sorry it hurts baby they make me do this to you" and she gave me a hug afterwards. Then, because I said I volunteer with homeless ppl I had to do a Tuberculosis skin test where they basically make a balloon of fluid right under your skin.
Sigh then I walk out of there rushing to go teach...mind you I haven't eaten and am still hopped up on allergy tablets oh and I forgot to mention I ended up taking the multisympton meds too.
Long story short I felt like I was gonna contract Hepatitis B simply b/c my body couldn't fight it off. Now I know what PMS feels like. My eyes were watering constantly my back and muscles ached I constantly felt like I was on the brink of coughing but not. Anyways I went about my next two days like normal dragging my sick self through all my obligations and now I feel fine no balloon under my skin that I can't scratch, no more band aid on my arm and sans the other "stuff".
You may ask why didn't I just wait till I got better. Well registration is this week and I had a medical hold on my account so I wouldn't be able to register. Hmmm you may say ur a grad student ur classes are not gonna be full what's the rush. Well umm I know myself and if I didn't register when I was supposed to I would be registering in January after getting back from xmas break. Plus I wouldn't have anything to blog about if I wasn't so stubborn.



Now to the horror of all horrors my site is down....Well not MY site but one I frequent. Well not frequent....Umm basically I visit this site and look at schlongs or penises which ever you prefer. I am not a prude well not really and I am not against masturbation. Its just that I like to be touched its just so much more enjoyable when someone else does it. Its kinda like a guy giving himself a stranger because the touch of his own hand is too familiar. I didn't know what it was until a few months ago (from a different site that I frequent) so I'll explain for those of you who were/are like me. It's when you sit on your hand until it gets numb then then you jerk yourself off. I'm told it feels good for the reason given above.

So anyway my sexual release is basically looking at schlongs but its not every month so I have no idea how long the site is down. Now saying the site is down is probably misleading b/c if you click on my title u'll get to it. Apparently "This picture cannot be displayed due to government regulations" and apparently this will be the case until, "the 2257 case is heard before a court of law. When 2257 is overturned we will reactivate all of the schlongs." Well I neva hear more......Steups their solution to keep the site "thriving" is for ppl to continue submitting "bulge" shots. Sigh they are totally unfulfilling and a waste of time. So I have a real problem plus anytime I type in Black cocks penises etc etc etc to Google I always find stuff to pay for or the back view of a dick rammed into someone's vagina. The problem with that.........................ummmm u can't see the dick! So that's my problem so I'm gonna have to do some research. What I'm not going to do is seduce one of my attractive male friends. I tried that b4 and "succeeded" but the problems it created weren't worth it.

The N word (chuckle) its not what you think ;)

Ok since I have poor impulse control this blog is gonna be a mish-mosh of topics....Ooops I just lied I have excellent impulse control.....That lying thing is a lingering bad habit.

Hmmm well irregardless of the dictionary meaning of Nirvana I'm gonna talk about my nirvana. Have you ever had those days when you're thinking about something and you just want to hold that moment and bookmark it for future reference? It may be the time you realize hey we are ex Boyfriend and girlfriend Lets move on....or that day you feel so self assured all your issues re: jobs, school, life purpose etc are gonna work out fine....or it may be that day that you use the outcome of one insignificant thing to be a portent of bigger things kinda like the he loves me, he-loves-me-not flower petal game.
Well I have these moments often, cuz I'm always trying to hold on to memories, especially things I am trying to learn from....the only problem is I always forget what these Nirvana moments are. Oh sure I remember where I was and even what song I was listening to but the resolution and the emotion of the time...Nada.
So I recently had a Nirvana moment. The reason I remember LOL only b/c it happened yesterday. So I'm lying in bed with someone I don't want to have sex with...probably someone I don't trust but not in a bad way because I don't trust anyone really cuz in life there is always a catch. And, as I'm laying in bed thinking of a good response to the question "Why don't you want to have sex with me?" I'm thinking this is so pointless I'm wasting my time and his and I need to be mature and just get a goddamn vibrator or something (note after the nirvana I vetoed that idea) Anyway I was thinking of all the ways my happiness seemed out of my control and got on a real Starting over tip.
I really like that show even though I can't stand self help books so I reason that I am going to be my own life coach.
Oh so that night an incident occurs and the person figures that I should be really mad at him. I dunno if its more his issues or mine. Me and that mouth of mine... a lil too honest when I should be circumspect (wc) [I'm gonna invent that and it means word choice if you are reading and something else makes sense or u can find a better vocab word by all means substitute I'm always correcting ppl in my head anyways] So fed up with the bullshit I actually say what I'm thinking so I say "I think I'm gonna have to lose your number" Now mind you my voice is not raised nor did I spit out those words vehemently. I simply stated a feeling. I'm a low maintenance chick yet somtimes he is constantly asks did I make you mad etc and I always rebutt and ask him if he's accustomed to females being mad at him or something. So then he says I bottle my feelings inside too much and if I'm mad I should just let him have it.
Now I am not shy about confrontations but getting mad....I've learnt that unless they really care you can't change someone's actions, and the effort spent to debunk that opinion is too time consuming. I' d rather adjust myself to suit. Not like I couldn't have seen the potential for fuckity (ie. a messed up situation - my own word) but hey I have the gift but I seldsom listen to my own predictions/advice.
So I resolve no more making new friends either from new people or redefining old relationships. I think to myself I need to be more like my cousin....be celibate AND stick to it. We are both weird chicks not weird in a witch kinda way more like in a way we analyze things way. And anyone that thinks I'm a handful she is all my weird annoying quirks by 10. Anyway while thinking I need to be more like her I realize ummmm she had already had her fun and maxed out her potential for the fucked up hybrid of sexual-emotional mishaps along with her marriage that she never told me about etc. The reason I never found out....I never asked thats classic Heather...How the hell I'm I to ask about a marriage I never knew existed (sigh but in her world that was a perfectly normal answer). Hmmm what was the topic again. Celibacy I guess not for anyone else but myself I'm trying to see if I'm really doing it for myself. My ex coworker one of the sweetest guys ever has been doing it and made it a year recently and I'm proud of him...He commends my efforts but complains that he will have no one to live vicariously through and I agree with him.
Back to whole self improvement thing the celebacy is a good call for now however I'm in the habit of being a repeat offender. There is some little statement about sin being the same each time it simply presents itself in a different form so we get confused and think that its something different when really it isn't. Kinda like at the end of Devil's Advocate when Keanu Reeves realizes for the duration of the movie he's been standing in the bathroom and the entire movie was his glimpse into the future and he immediately asks to be excused from being the guys lawyer.....In that glimpse into the future his pride and ambition destroy him. Of course the press goes wild at the fact that he refuses to defend is child molester client and there is a particular reporter that wants the scoop and exclusives and TV interviews and he bashfully approves right there the reporter breaks that 3rd wall (i think its 3rd) and winks at the camera. Sooooo easily he's got him again....
I'm like that with my mistakes. I play my position well then the next day fall into the lair I had so artfully dodged a week ago. All this to say succinctly "I need to get my ass/life in gear and DO ME! CUZ EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING THEM!"


Sometimes I feel like I need a more anonymous blog. I think I have shared the link with people who I don't care if they judge me or know things that someone I'm "closer to" should know. One person said its like he can see inside my head for the 1st time and despite knowing me for 12 odd years this is the first time that he really feels like he knows me and thats okay but weird. I guess I share it with people who I don't have to make happy or wonder if I'm talking about them or trying to "tell" them something. There are ppl I would luv to share this blog with just not everything that's on this page :(