Regression

This weekend I hung out with friends. I didn't talk to them on the phone or just go to a party with them; I sat and talked with friends who have known me since I was 11, 16 and 5 and it was an eyeopener. I never realize that there were so many problems with males and females interacting or even finding a guy. I have no siblings I grew up with...I had a single mom who was really private. If she had problems paying the morgage or didn't go to the grocery I wouldn't know if it was that the $ wasn't there or she just hadn't got to it yet and weekend soon come. So, as a result I am friendly and share with my friends but none of them really know private things about me like I have 5 siblings two I found out about at 10, one at 17, another at 24 and another at 25...Anyway
Yeah so I have had 3 boyfriends and they found me, I was never looking but I got approached got to know them and a relationship ensued. Attending college abroad at such a pivotal age (18-) its like where you go to school becomes your new home: you accumulate stuff, have to make new friends, get to know your city/town, get to know "your" special restaurant you like and you get so integrated in the place its difficult to decide where is really home. Home is where you grew up but now you have roots in this new place too. I am an aquarian so I can adapt but I dont do change well unless its a last resort. So its like a double consciousness (I'm not trying to throw dirt on Du Bois' term for using it but it seems to fit) you dont feel like you can live in either place. At home everyone looks at you like ur crazy if you wanna move back but everyone that seems to love you (and that you love) is home or in that general area. At school you have friends but... its different. You have independence, access to lots of stuff etc but you dont have the love factor. So, you turn around at start looking at options for love...none. All these crumb snatchers are born in like 80 something...What?!? Then everyone that you know you are not interested in, and its not b/c they are good guys (and there is the fallacy that girls always fall for the bad guys), its all about attraction and compatability. I'm a lazy person, my friends from school never believe I did track so I cannot see myself leaving my environment (school) to go to places (bars, lounges, bookstores, museums, concerts) in order to meet new people. Annoyingly ironic how the person you are not intersted in ALWAYS approaches you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Steups

So for one friend the guy gave her mixed messages. They were friends. He went specially to her job after he graduated to hang out etc...but then he wouldnt call her as often as she called him, so she cut her calls down to 2x a month and tries not to obsess in the meanwhile. She even mentioned it, his lack of calling, and he emailed her his call log from his phone company debating that he called just as much. I wont go on but she basically stopped calling and so did he but with marginal emailing in the middle.

Why does it have to be so hard? I've never experienced this. So you were interested then changed your mind....say something. I never even heard about the 3 day rule till I was 24. If you give a guy your number or vici versa you have to wait 3 days if you are planning to call...why not the 1st day? You will look too eager. blah blah blah I say but it seems like the dating game is about games. And one of my friends has the whole protocol down cold.

Although I've had boyfriends I dont think I've dated. For me (about 2x) I started off knowing they liked me as a girlfriend and one started off as a friend so it started from friendship, but I never went out with more than one person at a time even as friends. The guys (before and after we were in a relationship) called when they thought about me which was often, they called when they wanted to talk, bullshit, hear my voice, or discuss or share something and strangely enough this really private person found that she could open up.
I was self conscious then as I am now but why does it seem more difficult to meet options....to find potential in someone or even the potential someone.


A male friend of mine says that I'm dangerous. He says that I understand the games guys play too well and that I'm kinda heartless... I operate like a guy when the emotion isn't there and it seldom is. He says I see and understand things that girls usually get hung up on or act emotional over. I think it depends on whether I like or trust the guy. When I don't fuck yea its easy to be detached. So I guess I don't like or trust much.


I've been spoken to in a manner that I didn't like, but I didn't take much of a stand cuz it rolled off my back. I didn't care too much what that person said about me, but that didn't mean that they had the right to speak to me like that. Because I don't let outside things bother me it seems like people try to hurt/provoke me to evoke some sort of emotion. It's like I frustrate them. Imagine someone told me they really loved me but they are over it now. I said I was sorry ( I say those words too quickly sometimes) but my 1st reaction was to laugh. You loved me?! That's how you show love? I was right to put you in the a$$hole outbox and move on. Then, there are others that say they care but I think, you don't know me, I know how you percieve me and you are all wrong. You care in a superficial way and you don't even realize it. Its like:

I opened my eyes while you were kissing me once, more than once.
And you looked as sincere as a dog.
Just as sincerce as dog....
When its the food on your lips with which its in love. (Fiona Apple - Parting Gift)

When ppl say they like me the half cocked eyebrow goes up and in my mind I'm like...you don't know me. What about me do you like?..Granted I am not rich, superfine, or have connections but I still have a pussy and having at least that still gives me the right to be skeptical of guys and if they are genuine. To me there are lots of pretty girls, there are nice girls, girls with personality.....Why me? Do you see a weakness in me? Do I look easy to manipulate? Tell her a bunch of lines, let her think she runs things then all of a sudden you buss on your average and realize "oh shit he never cared he just had a honey tongue".

Ummm I got distracted by VH1 web junk show sooo this post is done.... But why is male/female interaction so difficult. Am I a late bloomer? Why am I now realizing this?