The Tempest

My blog privacy was invaded by a snooping ex so I've created a new address filled with old and new junk. Enjoy, run screaming, or pull your hair out. Proceed!

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Sunday, August 27, 2006

Am I needy?

I don't think so.
Since Friday my phone has rung a total of 3 times, one was the lesbian, one was a friend from NY and the other was the Remax agent for the house I live in.

3 days, three calls 2 on one day 1 on another and 0 on one.

I can't even think of anyone in my phone book I would call - I mean I already called them during the week when my phone didn't ring at all so I think that I've used up my quota of calling them.

Its Sunday and my mom hasn't called. I wonder how come at least if thats the only call I expect to get come sunday morning...its now 3:50PM. Ah well I'm sure there's a good reason.

Why am I always on the fringes of my friends, confiding never at all to barely in few. Why do I feel the need to be like this?

So I did well in a standarized test, who is to tell, who is there to congratulate me. In the grand scheme of things and the tempest in a teacup that is my life...is it even mentionable or celebratory?

I vote no - moving on.

ramblings

Ok so my lesbian acquaintance or former friend whichever invites me to a cookout or whatever. She has recently moved into her grandmother's house who is in TnT sick and her uncle is in the process of migrating to TnT because his wife is already there legally unable to stay in the US anymore. So she has been fixing the place up etc.

So she invites me to it and says if I want to come ask my housemate if she is coming cuz she was invited too and if not she would give me a ride. Well I weigh the free food vs being around my housemate (we haven't spoken in a while, no animosity its just that she hasn't knocked on my door and I haven't knocked on hers) so I don't feel like going out and being all social with her, as well as the lesbian who I havent spoken to in a while - I'm wondering why she even invited me.

So I call and say I wont be going out to the house and she says well ok and it wasn't at the house anyway.
So I'm like, so where was it going to be?
In Hyattsville.
So I'm like since I dont know where its gonna be aight talk to you sometime.

How can you invite someone somewhere without giving them the facts of the occasion. Now the only thing I can come up with is that she was inviting me to her partner's place. When I was apt hunting she did mention that the person found affordable housing in that area, and also that they would be doing a semester abroad or at a different school etc. so I am gonna assume that this was a bon voyage cook out.

I know I may sound paranoid but bet you she comes on msn or hi5 posting pics from the occasion. I'm glad I refused to go but wonder how crazy she is to take me somewhere I would not be comfortable and around someone (her chick) I am not even friends with. (I met her once, and I also met the lesbian's "other friend" by chance another time and she was like "Oh this is (the) Taj" looking at me up and down sizing me up I guess to see if I was worth all the speculation from whatever they had discussed about me in the past. No I'm not Medusa you wont turn to stone and no I'm not a frothing at the mouth lesbian hater - I am simply uncomfortable when a friend tells me that for years they have been in love with me as if the friendship is supposed to go a step further)

True her aunt lives around the same area but something has to be up why she wouldn't just TELL ME. There is a cookout for so and so at xyz...she should know by now how anal I am about things like this.

Steups tryna bribe a broke student with free food. What a fucking acquaintence/ friend, talking to me on msn with all of that take care, god bless you bull.

isn't god bless you supposed to be a great tiding period, not to me it depends on who says it, to me its like black magic/hex if someone you mistrust or don't care for wishes you the best with god's force behind it.
Or less dramatically put its insincere.

I have hunches and a lot of the time they are sewn together from seemingly insignificant meaningless threads of information, however my intuition is usually dead on and I believe that bitch tried to bamboozle me into attending her girlfriend's goodbye party knowing full well that if I knew everything I would never attend.

Dishonest bitch.

I need some real friends in my life.


Oh and of course I'm still hungry...really hungry.

Hmmm I hear a lot of racket going on sounds like my housemate is moving out...I wonder if she will tell me bye or does she expect me to knock on her door and say bye?

Sunday, August 20, 2006

I'm tired

I'm tired of fighting so hard, of being alone, of having no one to depend on or confide in.
I'm tired of trying to be strong and make sure that everything is okay
I'm tired of wanting a shoulder to lean on and getting someone's voicemail, or someone with an issue they need to talk about while I listen
I'm tired of not knowing when, or how to ask for help
I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself and regretting all the things that I don't have or never had
I'm tired of thinking with my heart instead of my head
I'm tired of mistrusting people even though they really don't deserve my trust
I'm tired of holding on tenaciously when I should have let go a long time ago
I'm tired of worrying 24/7 in my head without really being able to solve the issue regardless of how much I think about it.
I'm tired of wanting love, but it not manifesting myself
I'm tired of being sick and tired
I'm tired of being average
I'm tired of that boy who wants to be in my life but is too far away for it to mean anything tangible
I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of people not treating me with the decency that I treat them
I'm tired of having fair weather friends
I'm tired of being afraid to meet new people
I'm tired of being afraid to open up to others
I'm tired of being afraid of being vulnerable
Boy am I tired.