I was

...going to write a long blog venting and informing you about what's going on in my life but what's the point its not as if you care, can solve it or turn back time. Besides the generic stuff I think that I am done posting at this blog address. My personal stuff either won't be on the net or I'll devise a new addy. I'm done with talking to people about stuff. It has no profit. So I expect to be mad soon, no blog no one to talk to. It's coming yall - my kalagos thanatos.

suspension

I'm not as smart as I think and I've been doing some messed up not too smart stuff and I don't wanna talk about that stuff so I'll have nothing to blog about for a while. See ya. Good stuff has happened too but I'm not enthused about relating the concerts, culture, music, parties or people. I just need to return to being self reliant and refocus on the Alchemist. Later

Oh Gorm

Ok well I home in de damn heat....actually it not that hot and actually I wouldn't even complain about that. Gladdddddddddddd to be home see friends and family and eat some excellent food and to meet the new generation of crumb snatchers. Like everybody have ah lil one...where is MINE. They sooo sweet and cute and surprisingly good. Nobody is complaining about the middle of the night feeding they seem to sleep straight thru the night. With any luck and my karma my baby alone will be unlike the new breed and get up at least 3 times for the night to be fed. Sigh. But they really are sweetiepies and they will be saying Auntie T by next Christmas.
Ohmigosh I almost did not recognize my own cousin he is sooooooo talllllllllllllll of course taller than be by about 3 inches and he is only 16yrs old. He also a lil skinny but he trying to work on it...more on my findings with that later.
The family I left wasn't the same one that I met on this vacation lets just say its a lil fractured and the person that I should be annoyed with I can't bring myself to be annoyed with cuz he's like my favorite uncle. But in the words of Chris Rock from that movie...."That 'aint right." Hmmm still waiting for some friends to come home so start liming but I not to sure if they will be caught up with boyfriends....seems like everybody import ah boyfriend ain't none of dem natives. Steupssssssssssssssssssss (hiss of annoyance)

Oh gosh and of course I came just in time to help with Christmas cleaning gggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Curtains, cobwebbing etc etc
Oh there is this new mom and son living nearby and the son is my lil cousin (David) age. The lil boy's name is ...................................................RAINBOW. Sigh and the other day a boy name Usher come knocking on our door to see if David brother Kevin was over here. Oh boy ay! Mom tryna explain to me that Rainbow mom is a Bahai. I mean I've heard of them but I ent too sure what their religion is about.

Anyway even tho the boy is a Bahai I figure he and David must be perfect for each other. Anyone know this new calypso. summin bout

Wet mih
Wet mih

Well I don't know how this 11 and 9 year old know de song but dey both equally slack. Picture two impish skinny little boys; one wit his hands up wining fuh dear life and de odda spraying him wit a hose singing the chorus above. Well I stand there in shock fuh ah while then David realize I was watching and it was hil-ar-ious to see him try to get Rainbow to stop wining. Man I laugh till ah cry. Those two are some slackers. Now all I have to do is think "wet mih" and I burst into scandalous peals of laughter and have ppl watching mih funny. Well yes. I wonder if they really know what de song mean... I guess so. Hmmmm I was reminded when Itold mom about it that I wasn't much better. One time a local comedian, Tommy Joseph, on par with Chris Rock or Dave Chappelle with the descriptive sexual inuendoes, had a comedy show and per usual I was dragged out to basically entertain myself at the event while the adults sat down and listened to jokes. Well on one of my exploration breaks, well maybe it was more to sit and eat popcorn and soda, I came and sat near to mom and started listening to the show. Well Mom doesn't remember the joke but it was verrrrrrrrrry rude and inappropriate..... well fuh a 6-7 yr old. She said I laughed sooooooooo hard everybody was looking around and she basically clap her hand ovah my mouth and just drag me out of the seating area. Maybe I got licks I doan even remember...I don't even remember the incident but she said that night she wanted to die. People were probably wondering what kind of conversations we accustomed having home.

Oh and well I told her about the boycott of Barron and she laughed then added on "that night is like you were more vex dan (than) de patrons. Telling people 'Take your time, take your time!' When they were trying to get their money back. Sometimes I don't know what used to possess you."
Yeah I'm snickering but apparently I was really bad. When ppl recount to me memories of my youth. Birth to about 11 yrs old apparently I was de baddest. I took de licks and still did my own thing. Thank God for the intimidation of high school or else I would have never gotten my act together. I guess as an aquarian I'm stubborn and independent and scorpios feel they must be in charge and know it all. I dunno but I can say now it costs nothing to beat your kids...cuz right now I don't even remember half the things I got really bad licks for....hmmm that might be because of the beatings. Hmmmmmm.............................

So much more is happening but I ent have enough time or else I won't be living my vacation so byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Wet mih down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

The Weekend edition (caliente) well sorta

Ok so I guess I am a post whore. Hmm well post whore may be to strong a word but you get the idea. I'll be shallow here cuz I'm so deep and serious in my everyday life. Plus if I really waited to post something meaningful...well let's just say I would have no way to spend my free time.

So my girlfriend had a birthday lime (gathering of friends hanging out) on Saturday and it was pretty good. There was the usual trying to liquor everyone up to lower inhibitions to get the party started. Well there was no stripping but conversations were definitely risqué and at least for me there was a plethora of shocking events. Well maybe not a plethora, but it was a lil funny.

1) I got one offer for no strings attached cunnilingus at my earliest convenience with a guaranteed “happy ending”. Evidence offered up for collateral? He said look this way and put up his hand like he was about to tell me a secret then showed me his skill. He can touch his nose with his tongue. Site duly noted. (with raised eyebrows) He was like u don’t look like ur gonna take me up on my offer. I was like well I’m going on vacation I’ll be back in January so I’ll think about it. He wasn’t happy about it but he said aight. There is more for this one but I feel my carpel tunnel coming on ( I typed this sentence after I completed the blog)

2) I had an appointment. If I chose to accept my mission the appointment was at 4:30AM sharp in the master bedroom. I know I know how do I get myself into these things right. And it was funny cuz I didn’t even drink that much. I had a Smirnoff Ice and just sipped a bit from the bartender’s drink all night. I don’t even think that measured up to one full drink. Anyway because I am how I am I keep the appointment just to see how far he is trying to go and what his game is like. See this is another problem. He’s not a new random guy, he’s a friend so I really wanna see what kinda heat he’s packing. So I get there are he’s all sprawled off on the bed on his back like he’s soooooooooooo exhausted and napping. Huh? Wadeva! Aight so I’m game and this is so funny cuz I’m not buzzed or anything it’s just me being me. Anyway so I creep up to him on the bed all feline-like, straddling him, but not sitting on him with boobs and groin matched up to the appropriate areas with just enough light teasing pressure to let him know, “Hey, I’m here whud it do?” Oh I forgot in addition to the light rubbing he got a wakeup kiss - on the cheek. Ok great ur up now. He opens his eyes and besides seeing me less than an inch from his face the first thing he does is look down at his crotch and realizes that I’m close enough to feel him throbbing through his jeans. Wicked! Ahahahahah LOL. His expression is sooo cute. It says “Fuck!!!!!! How can I get both of our clothes off without her changing position? Then as is customary all good things come to an end. The ever inquisitive birthday girl breaks up our party. I heard her coming a mile away. I was standing up like I entered the room just a minute ago to dutifully check on a tipsy friend. That was my sign playtime’s over and this really wasn’t meant to be. Awww well. He looked like a kid who had his best Christmas gift given away to someone less fortunate. You know it’s the right thing to do but it hurts sooo bad. I believe this was the first time him and his best gal pal weren’t in sync. Either that or she knew what was up and was saying “Homey don’t play that!” Either way it was pretty funny. (IMHO) Lucky for me I was tension free or else it may have been a different situation. It could have become quiet frisky.

3) I got called selfish by a booty call. Well not quite a booty call that would imply that we don’t hang out or have any interaction besides sex and that’s just not true – we’re cool. Anyway. He said I was selfish because we basically only have sex when I want to which is like once every... (you didn’t think I was gonna be specific right?) Hmmm My response to that was …ummm whats wrong with that? He’s like 3/10 times it should be when I want to but right now 10/10 times it’s only when you feel for it. Again I gave him the “dumb look”. What’s wrong with that? So here comes my first argument. “Why do something I don’t feel for it especially since we have no commitments to each other?” Guys say that girls bring up old “discussions”?! Well he brought up this one time we were having some discussion and I said us having sex was kinda pointless it was like random sex. Lord who let me think an honest conversation could ever be totally honest. He shouted over the phone, “So mih bloodcleet random!” The remainder of that conversation is for another time. So that was his exhibit 1 for my selfish uncaring nature.
So my next point was, you know our situation, me having sex when I’m not in the mood and you are is reserved for relationships. You sacrifice not so that you can collect on your good deed in the future, but simply because the love and commitment is there you want them to feel good. So, why should you get the benefits of a bonafide relationship when there is none? Hmmm?
He’s like it’s okay. The fact is you’re selfish, but it’s okay. I still love you (totally not in the serious way, trust me.)
So I bring out the big guns. I said think about your daughter when she gets to 22, would you want her throwin’ de pum (pu**y) out there to someone who wasn’t special, who wasn’t her boyfriend and committed to her? His response was fathers only want to know if you have a boyfriend. If you don’t they just try not to think about it.
Sigh such a total copout. So I didn’t concede that I was selfish, but I agreed with him that sex between us is on my schedule and I don’t feel a bit remorseful about it not in the least. And that makes me smart and not selfish. Trust, if I did not take that stance the tables would probably be reversed. I would be chasing him at all hours and he would be penciling me in between his other house calls. As it is right now I get a request. The request that was the question of the day a few posts ago. Its funny this blog isn’t in real time so basically I got distracted watching tv for 15 mins so now I’m back.

4) That playing dumb and that dumb look works so well. I don’t really have a close biological brother but Anthony (* not his real name) is close enough. So he’s twisted because he’s had at least 10 of the Fuck ME up good mixed drink that was the bartender’s special that night, so I have to drive home and he’s gonna crash by me. So sorry guy from #3 its not going down tonight. So we’re driving home and I’m obeying all the laws, but speeding up to make GREEN lights I didn’t even go thru any amber. Anyway I get stopped by the cops and right off the bat he acts like a hardass. This is after we wait 7 mins for him to run the tags to determine if the car is stolen or not and we’re gonna blast him as soon as he gets to the window. Sigh, a mere 7 blocks from home at about 5 in the morning. Asshole you should let me get home ASAP instead of letting the sleep exhaustion factor step in. (Did I mention I’d been going since 9am for a friend’s grad ceremony, xmas shopping, baby sitting and a real baby that you have to run around with change, feed, sing lullabyes to and entertain, then straight to the lime….now this) So he’s a hardass comes to the window, this blue eyed blond haired white guy. In DC you wouldn’t think there would be so many white boobies. Anyway. He asks me the speed limit in DC. Puhlease at this hour in the morning. I start to say 45 then Anthony says 30 so I say 30. Then I’m like I’m asking you is it 30? In a totally soft spoken non-confrontational way. He is ticked off and he knows I didn’t know.
POPO: How fast were you going?
ME: I don’t know
POPO: That’s what that thing there is for he says pointing at the speedometer
ME: I’m sorry I didn’t look
POPO: I was following you for like 6 blocks
ME: (In my head I’m like I only saw him for 3 and yeah his lights were on but why wouldn’t they be. He didn’t make the wooowooo sound like the boobies on cops so I thought he was chillen) But I sayyyyyy. I didn’t realize you wanted me to pull over. I didn’t hear the sound and I’ve never been pulled over before so I didn’t realize that’s what you wanted. Silence
POPO: So he’s like yes license and registration. I produce them. Do you have anything pending on your record?
ME: No (very sprightly yet concerned and earnest)
Another 10 minutes goes by and I am resigned that I’m gonna get a ticket. BTW I was going 55 but so was everyone else. And while we were waiting an SUV went through a red light I bet he didn’t see that! Humph. Anyway he eventually comes back to the window with my license and Anthony’s registration.
POPO: Miss this time I’m gonna let you off with a written warning. Please review the driving rules for DC and drive carefully etc.
ME: Thank you very much officer I will be careful, much appreciated.

WTF He was such a hardass even when I turned down the glass and he realized I was a female. I have no idea what turned him around. No idea (I’m still shaking my head) and for fear that he was bullshitting and did write me up a ticket I still haven’t looked at my written reprimand… but I will maybe tomorrow.
Hmm all in one day. Damn! My life I really don’t understand God’s plan for me. All this stuff seems soooo random. Wow.

Who am I fooling that sounds like at 12-17 yr old depiction of sex. And its weird too b/c that picture I gave you isn't really in my head at "that time". Go figure!?! I had written something about what my orgasm feels like but obviously now I'm gonna keep that to myself.
I think I write too much about myself in this blog. I didn't have a plan when I started this blog so I can't say whether I'm deviating from my mission statement so to speak. But, I would like to write about other things but they are depressing and I haven't figured them out yet. I hate for things to be undefined so to start something about abortion, dreams and aspirations, the possibility of one true love(s) and soooo many other things and just give my opinion that just doesn't seem enough cuz I don't know everything... not even close. In lieu of that I would discuss Top Model , The Band, Project Runway and any movie under the sun. Geez that makes me feel like a teeny-bopper. Sigh this was another ramble. Hmmmm see ya when I have something better to say. ahahahah who am I talking to? hahaha Silly girl likes to pretend to talk to ppl on her blog.

A relaxer.

Hmm picture this... a lush green lawn with a blanket. A sky filled with Cirrus clouds shaped like cute animals and a gentle breeze that perfectly balances the hot hot sun. You're lying on the blanket looking up to the sky and there is no glare; the sun isn't too bright. Why? Because there is an ever so thin sheet tied at the four corners of the blanket. This sheet is billowing upwards forming your own protected, warm, sunny, cool enclave. And you are smiling its so peaceful so protected, so balanced (heat, cold, light) This is what making love to you is like. Its the perfect location on the perfect day and I want for nothing. I am totally satiated.

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Do you know that feeling you get when you're on a rollercoaster and you've been tossed in two directions seemingly simultaneously? It's the same feeling you get when you've been hanging upside down. It's a disorienting and delicious feeling. Every inch of your scalp seems to tingle, the same feeling when someone's hand rubs your head. You have no idea which way is up because you've been spun in a circle for too long and truthfully you never want to find up because the disorientation is bliss. This is also what it feels like making love to you. I wonder how having sex with you is? Oh yea it's very aware and questioning. Where are my hands and what is my mouth doing?...Are you enjoying it? Was that long enough? Does this position still let me look cute? Can I stop now? I'm too hot! This is uncomfortable. Please hurry up I can't wait any longer.

Random

Ok so I was thinking about life and going home and why I am so apprehensive to do so. I mean I want to go home as long as I can do exactly what I want to do, however that is highly unlikely. Amidst the obligatory "pass by to visit" people I haven't seen in 2+ years I will also be faced with the question(s) So what are you doing now? {insert long puzzled look} What do you hope to do with that?...What's your plan? These are all questions that I should be able to answer...but I can't and I don't feel like finding an answer in the upcoming week. Also, please tell me if I'm wrong but I had such an easy undergrad life. Tuition paid, housing paid all I had to do was feed myself and buy books. Why was I under the impression that graduate school would be easier? In undergrad my job was to produce good grades and keep that GPA up - No Problem. But in grad school instead of just getting good grades for tuition and a stipend I have to do well in school, teach classes, meet with professors and sit through some boring/ some interesting seminars all to get a stipend that isn't enough and on top of which I still need a 2nd job to make ends meet. I thought undergrad would have been hard (just because you're young and easily stressed) and the thought was always that grad school was like "they're paying you to go to school, you are the sought after commodity." Not so, not Effing so at all.
Sigh on top of which for an entire semester Verizon has not installed my internet. You know what let me not ignite that stick of dynamite I know u can't handle it. So back to grad school. For the most part it sucks and last year when I was working I thought that sucked too that's why I was so anxious to go back to school. So once again I belong NOWHERE and that is so annoying to be the perpetual pariah. Oh now I remember why the grad student thing is bothering me so much. I will be going home with nothing besides my possessions. I am definitely not a selfish person so in undergrad when I went home everyone got a Christmas present, no matter how small just to let you know that I love you and that I am thinking of you. (my sole means of doing this is not by giving gifts but it's nice in addition to the words) Right now I'm thinking the only person that can get one is my mom b/c I don't want the small distribution to look like favoritism. I luv being Santa at xmas. In high school I worked shifts at my mom's friend's gas station for the entire break esp those Fridays before the long xmas and New Years 3-day weekends and for what? So that I could get everyone a present....My five cousins and their parents, my mom and her 2 best friends, and my 4 closest friends, some leftover went to church. I am the same but the list has grown. I now have a goddaughter and my really good friend ( I dont have best friends) has a baby now and I would have liked to get them both something nice. I am distressed because for the first time in my life I am the typical broke student. I'm definitely not rich but at least I had enough to give some of what I have to those I love. This sucks I need to get my a$$ in gear and find a career that can make me some money then I can do what I want. I know thats not the ideal but how I feel right now that's the option that would work best for me. And going home is not wholly a feeling of apprehension. I am happy to go to my beach and sit on the sand and walk along the beach and remember. My memories mean a lot to me. Right now I remember being 11 and it turning to dusk and we had been on the beach since 2pm and me and my buddy sneaking back into the water to skinny dip thinking we were being so totally outrageous but never feeling quite the exhilaration we were expecting. The water felt great on a naked body and its taboo to be naked publicly but ...you know what, but nothing it was fun and our own little "wild/bad girl" moment at 11 and 10yrs old resp. Hmmm I haven't reread the blog I know it probably doesn't have any flow but alas that's the heart of me. You're probably lucky it wasn't unfinished. Now unto my finals. Bye

PS

Sorry I don't have pictures. I'm not saying that you're a 4 yr old but they are nice to look at and they take away from the blandness of the words and the format. I think that's why I switch fonts and sizes so much because it never quite delivers a pow! and makes it look like a daunting avalanche of words, stories and issues and that's a NO NO. I mean you already performed the impossible...well more like the highly unlikely by coming across my page so I don't want to present obstacles to you reading this junk.... um these thoughts Yeah ummm. Thoughts.
I realized that I haven't written any poetry recently. I guess I must be really happy. When did that happen?
Finally I'm not promising anything with the pictures vis-a-vis the comment moderation fiasco, but I'll find a way not to make it look so drab. And don't blame the green its my favorite colour. ;)

Mish mosh

Ok so I was going to post some gossip or just some hilarious stories but I just got a message that there was an earthquake in Trinidad and I am yet to hear the details. I hope it wasn't too bad cuz I know what it feels like. Imagine waking up to an earthquake. It's crazy. It feels like you fell asleep in a hammock and someone is shaking it relentlessly so you wake up mad, only to realize you need to start praying instead of cursing. Also instead of running downstairs and standing below a beam maybe you should run back up the half a flight of stairs you just descended because you don't know where your mom is. Hell ya you wake up confused. At that time I didn't even know about the beam I just wanted to be as close to the ground as possible so I wouldn't have far to fall or be crushed by walls or a ceiling.
Yeah it was bad, a neighbour a lil ways down who was building a house basically had to abandon it, affected houses were toured after work and school like they were artifacts: slabs of concrete on beds the stain of blood on sheets, trees crushing cars. Yeah the few things that happened had a BIG impact. I think the worse thing about it was the psychological effect because there was the aftershock or tremors. You never knew when they were gonna hit and they were so frequent after the big earthquake, I just could not relax. If I was at school and had a class on the 3rd floor I sat near the exit and was constantly trying to figure out which beam would be sturdiest - just in case. To make matters worse there weren't only the aftershocks {wc} there was another bonafide earthquake. Pressah
I chuckle now thinking back at how paranoid I was at the time. But I would just sit hunched on the grass looking at that woman's house; her front step leading to the 2nd storey (sp) crumbled, the wall to her kitchen partially down exposing new wood cupboards and the "as yet" untiled floor. It was so heartwrenching to see her sit in the rubble of her front step, open wound where she was injured by debris and by her attempt to save herself and young son by jumping off the step, sobbing. She wasn't even wailing it was just a defeated, continuous, unconsolable sobb. Sigh... I don't have the heart for gossip after this sometimes it only takes one thing.
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Oh! What I do have time for is a phone call....What!?! The area code says Jamaica (Big smile) I am so in shock and so happy that I enjoy the number and the Jamaica flashing on my Sprint phone for too long. I answer and get a dead line. Hmmm the number doesn't match anything in my phone book, but there is only one person living there that I know would call. Hmmmm tick tock do I return the call excitedly only to realize that they changed their mind and didn't really want to talk to me or maybe their opposable thumb wasn't on point and they dialed me by mistake. Well I return the call anyway....left a voicemail, not a corny one, succinct yet not cold. Ten minutes later Jamaica's flashing on my phone again {big grin}. I love my friends
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Ok I'm in a better mood now....Yesterday talking to a friend he said a buddy of his from high school died. He was shot in the face in some sort of unspecified altercation. Not one to speak ill of the dead he was like its sad he's dead but I wonder what sort of trouble he got himself involved in then he gave three examples of his friend.
1) He once had sex with girl in a graveyard on top of some's ornate cement grave then promptly left her there to find her way home.
2) He was driving home and got into a mini fender bender, not with another car, and damaged the front bumper of his uncle's B12(? I'm a girl not sure) car. Fortuitiously there was one of that same make and colour parked on the street. Too good not to be meant to be right. You can guess what he did....yups he pulled off his damaged bumper pulled off the donor bumper and did a switcherooo. Yups his comment...It was meant to be.
3) Do you know those dump trucks? Like the ones that carry gravel for construction? Well homey got so much game he convinced this girl that was really sprung over him to have sex in the bin of the dump truck! Can you imagine?!
*** Hil-ar-ious right and trust me I did not want to believe any of these stories but they were supported and corroborated by reliable sources. Well you can't say he didn't live. So, even though I didn't know you here's a eulogy of sorts. Granted its not the proper one that would be said in a church but it's the one that your friends will remember with loud, brawlish, raucous laughter when there is a lil lime and they pour a lil White Oak on the terrazo floor for your thirsty spirit. R.I.P. Peace