Fukkkin HI5

Yeah oh a new friend request sent to my inbox. Hmmm name is familiar but there are lots of guys with that name plus I don't know your last name. Yah I had a big enough crush on you but I'm not obsessive. So I click on the links yada yada and my heart is actually beating a lil faster as your profile opens and I see your pic and realize it really is you. You only have 20 friends tho' how did you find me so fast. I could find 20 friends to send request to, people I actually speak to on a daily to weekly basis, not someone I never even had a phone convo with.
This is strange....did you have a crush on me too? Hmmmm I guess somehow you noticed me and simultaneously didn't let me realize you did.

Ok I'm not going to name our kids now because of this it was just a cute surprise. ***Click >>> "New Friend Added" ****Right click and save those pics of you in your gallery, and I hope you did the same for me ;)

Omigosh why am I watching this slavery recollection thing on HBO with ppl like Don Cheadle, Angela Basset and Oprah voicing slave recollections( yeah I know its been out a while). It reminds me of the 1st time I really hated white ppl in general. It wasnt the individual it was the whole race. I don't usually hate anyone and intellectually I know what's right and I don't really hate whites now (they aren't their ancestors or are they***) It's just....

How could anyone be soooo cruel. (and don't say shit about Africans selling each other into slavery) So when I first hated white people I think it was because I watched the movie Panther. I actually cried. I thought I knew about slavery just because I was black, they were enslaved and not paid and treated badly, visited the sugar mills ecetera ecetera. But as a 9 yr old did I really get it? Hell no!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think what also did me in about Panther is not realizing that after slavery there were Jim Crow laws then into the whole Civil Rights movement. Naively I thought slavery is abolished, enslaved people were free. I don't like to call my ancestors slaves because no one is born a slave, no one is born with that mentality. It was bred into them, they were taught to be slaves - they were ENslaved. I don't think I would do very well as a slave. There is this book (will find out the name) where the author is basically transported back in time to slavery days and as a 21st century woman she tries to endure it to ensure that in the future her family line lives. I don't think she makes it....(I'll check the facts) But I KNOW I would not be able to make it I would be too insolent too headstrong. But then again I would be taught how to be a slave: how to be docile, keep your head down and work hard, how to be deceitful (because I wouldnt actually love and agree with massa), and most of all how to endure suffering. I think I would have tried to run away. I hope I would have had the courage.

When I hear slave recollections what I notice most is the violence and the psychology of fear that they used to keep people enslaved and I wonder "why don't white people beat their kids?" Yes I am making a sweeping generalization and ppl of both races beat blah blah blah. But seriously a disparate number of whites decide that beatings are not a method of punishment for their kids. Is it that they're afraid they're gonna be treating their kids like niggers/ slaves. Aren't they the ones that introduced Blacks to the Bible and the verse "spare the rod and spoil the child". They never followed that. Black people sometimes think hey a lil slap now and then is necessary to keep their kid in line. And is it what we believe, what we've been taught, or what has work via trail and error parenting?

niggers
All through the "documentary" thats what they referred to each other as...the massas called them that and thats how they referred to each other. Kinda like now. I don't say Nigger but I'm not gonna knock somebody, judge them or act as if they're setting Black people back 200 yrs by using it. It doesn't apply to me and rolls off my back.


I'm (was) a dancer and we did all types of dance but I know slave dances, how the costumes look. I called them costumes because I was playing a role but then I realized this was someone's real like this is their history this is what they wore then. Its like you are a historian. We integrated to games they (children) played into the routine as a segue between 2 different dance types. It was fun. I thought of it that these were dances that free slaves did - not anything they had to hide to do. Yeah I know I lie to myself ;)

*** Back to above I see myself as a product of my ancestors - of the past. What about white people? Given their legacy how do they reconcile that to themselves. Also given power over someone, (the psychology experiments with the jolt of electricity, or even the one where student were guards in a faux prison) every human has the potential to abuse it. How many thing that slavery day can come back? Someone may be rolling their eyes saying it never left, but I'm talking about explicit slavery.

Well I'm done. I don't hate white people my mother is white. LOL I'm joking but seriously though no problems mon! I just have a wandering mind.

Hmmm of course now I'm wondering if being an atheist is so bad I mean who was the one that told us about that white Jesus. And I do have recollections of going to confirmation classes and getting shut down about the "is Jesus black? " debate with my white, English, left ear pierced and ponytailed priest. Can you believe it? A hippy priest STILL arguing that Jesus could never be Black. He didn't even acknowledge the possiblity. Ok I'll stop here.

The person I'd most like to meet?
Yeah Mandela would be nice I would like to meet...............................................................................Me 12 years ago. And I am sooooo serious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gosh I think my life is a little ridiculous, either that or the smallest things surprise me or I'm surprised they happen to me.
Hmmmm well he told me "I can make you proud to be a woman if you choose to be with me". What!?! see what I mean about only the freaks approaching me only this guy is a well educated freak a colleague. He looks and seems older. He says that he has been observing me and he has liked my manner for a while its just that he doesn't like to make snap decisions. So apparently he's thought about this a lot, in his words he wants to, "hook up with me". Now I am not biased but I am kinda prejudiced against african guys. Also was the essense of his 1st statement lost in translation? What is that supposed to mean that he is going to pamper me? Empower me? Help me discover myself or give me mindblowing sex?
I have noo desire to be with this guy. Why? I simply can't even see myself kissing him so the debate begins and ends there. Now where the problem lies is that I'm an Aquarian and one of 2 extremes very blunt or an uncharacteristically docile yes-woman. So I'm not trying to be rude since I have to see this person everyday anyway, but I need some tips. All things must come to an end but my friends have the knack for prolonging the inevitable all the while being taken to dinner and having most of their non physical needs met. Go figure. In come cases it ends badly but they never kissed them or eanything else and the caveat is there "I never saidd we were getting together , I said you could get to know me". I dont like to waste my time. I would not hang out at his place far fron anywhere I know. I dunno maybe I'm just paranoid but I feel victimized very easily. I'm especially wary of anyone I have to hide from my friends.....You know when you're alonewith someone and you tell them "Hey if I kill you right now noone would be the wiser," that chill you feel when you realize its the truth is how I feel when I'm chiling with someone I'm not attracted to and not comfortable being around.
I mean this is probably the 2nd time I've had more than a 5 minute conversation and he's saying he wants to be with me and been watching me for a while. After my lesbian experience (a friend became interested me and for longer than I appreciated attempted for us to develop "something more") I am so distrusting..... He's been noticing me- to me thats a red flag not a compliment and no I'm not going to change my mind about that. How is this relationship going to enrich my life cuz I sure as hell know I can't do anything for him besides sex. I'm not dumb I'm a nice girl but I don't think my company adds up to that much for him to seek me out.

If you're one of those people that hate to hear people talk about how annoying it is when guys approach them yet complain that they cant find the right guy then hate me. Its okay I've had a lot of practice...actually no most people like me...Actually here is a question: how many people are there that you wished you had never known?


A friend has told me that I like "the experiment" that I am curious. I am glad for the learning experiences that I have had but since I am slow to understand the lesson of the incident and take things at a case by case basis its inevitable that I make repeat mistakes on the same learning pt. So with all that said I would erase about 2-3 people from my life. One person because I lost a lot of money and I'm sure if I thought for 1/2 a second longer I would make a different decision. Another person because he's the one that says he loves you and you really want to believe it, but deep down you figure he doesn't its a possessive kinda love, its the Big WHAT IF kinda love where if a whole lot of variables were different you could/maybe/kinda still be compatible and wrk out - yet that person has been down for you since day one and would sacrifice limbs for you and you know that and they don't care if you actually reciprocate. Yeah its that deep and freakish. I think my best days were spent with him -meaning the days where I was best in my life...not because of our relationship but because of me. I've lost the art of conversation or the people I talk to are dumb. Its been a while I have had a conversation not me complaining or bitching about the crazy shit that happens in my life just an exchange of opinions.

I think I need relationship rehab really badly. I was in a long term relationship that ended suddenly for no reason other than distance. Soon after that I met someone and my body was in it but not my mind...great huh especially since I was not even looking for a relationship. But then somewhere along the way I think I started to like him...you know what I think I more started to appreciate him, I started to feel like he cared.

OFF TOPIC around that time I also realized that girls don't "catch feelings" we have them from the start. When we decide to sleep with someone we already like them and are hoping that the physicality matches the emotional click.

Anyway I think I am mad at him because I didn't start liking him till he said he liked me. I didn't venture in that realm of the emotional b/c he was gonna be moving soon, same story as my ex. Then he likes me then he's like you should move here...and if you did I don't think we would ever break up. However, he can't even make time to visit me, hardly calls or is available when I call, yet he talks about the great sex we had and listens when I have problems. Its a weird mixed signal melange. I get over people most times because that extra interest isnt there. I'll be your friend for life but Significant Other relationships come very slowly for me b/c I've decided that I like you. Woe is me I thik I need a style network show to tutor me on how to get over someone...pathetically someone I've never been with.

So thats my three. I won't erase the guy (I'll just think of one or just give the 3 one face one incident that makes it easier to deal with and file away) that almost molested me because I think its important that children knows depravity is out there it makes them all the more grateful when they are spared and left untouched. It also intruduces you to the psyche of the human and after that nothing in life should ever disappoint you. Well that hasn't happened to me the various incantations of how someone could violate you simply increased. It seems for me the more and the sooner I say I'm over a bad experience the more the next incident ravages me like a maelstrom.

Aight Traffic is on and I'm a sucker for a movie so I am gone and dreading calls at the bootcall hour AS IFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!! {The immortal words of Cher in the movie Clueless}
- Ciao

Dont say you love/like me when:

-you have sex with someone else and you enjoyed it
-when you said the meaning of my name sounds like shit then say that was you acting out
-you aren't really listening to me and really want to have sex
-you can't please me and come prematurely almost every time yet you go the distance with someone else
-after my christening I never saw you again and saw ur ace in a pic for the 1st time at 8/9 yrs old
-you masturbate on a webcam in front of me
-you try to masturbate again in front of me when I said b4 that I didnt like it
-you have sex (lose your virginity) with someone else 2 days after we broke up
-we were never in a relationship but you told everyone we were and that you had to dump me b/c I got boring
-we are supposed to be friends are both females and you KNOW that I am straight, not interested and its never going to happen
-you are forcing me to keep a secret that makes me unhappy
-you don't remember my birthday
-you can't make time for me
-you know you are a little too big and aren't gentle enough during sex
-you won't go down on me
-you have a girlfriend
-you are just curious and not emotionally invested
-you are just out of a relationship and on the prowl
-you are supposed to be my friend and my friend ONLY
-I don't trust you.

I'm sure it could be longer but why should I depress myself further...

He was never my friend. When I gave him my blog address that was death. I confided in him because he would be easy to cut off if I needed to ever ignore him or get him out of my life. And the funny thing is he said he cares but if I asked him to never call again he would do just that. Apart from my 2nd boyfriend I have never given someone so many opportunities to hurt me; not by words but definitely through dissappointment via lack of action. Libras are usually my friends I should have know not to try to make romantic overtures towards one. Exactly what attracts me to them as friends is exactly what annoys me about him. This romance wasn't even aborted or still born cuz it never even had an opportunity to catch afire. Of course it was fire in bed but I'm a girl, a girl that has been abandoned at many points in her life and sex is really not enough.
I never have a response if someone likes me because I've realized deep down that I think if a father cannot show love towards a daughter, reach out and make an effort then why do you want to. I am unloved by someone who is bound even if by duty to show me love and they haven't. When I say my father doesn't love me i don't me that he beat me etc. but by his actions or lack thereof I feel unloved.
If I got really anal I could tally the number of days I have ever seen my father's face and then extrapolate the number of hours that I have been face to face with him. I don't think I have ever heard the words I love you, I miss you, I am sorry.
What I am typing here this is what I am ashamed to let any boyfriend, husband see b/c its weak and needy and this is exactly why I push people away; Female friends, boyfriends etc.

Could I have a friend? Could I have a male friend that just wants to be a friends? Sigh I would like to make friends but as soon as they make it known its tough to scale the relationship back...Its confusing friends, then you approach me differently then after that I guess you are embarassed or hurt and there goes another one.

Regression

This weekend I hung out with friends. I didn't talk to them on the phone or just go to a party with them; I sat and talked with friends who have known me since I was 11, 16 and 5 and it was an eyeopener. I never realize that there were so many problems with males and females interacting or even finding a guy. I have no siblings I grew up with...I had a single mom who was really private. If she had problems paying the morgage or didn't go to the grocery I wouldn't know if it was that the $ wasn't there or she just hadn't got to it yet and weekend soon come. So, as a result I am friendly and share with my friends but none of them really know private things about me like I have 5 siblings two I found out about at 10, one at 17, another at 24 and another at 25...Anyway
Yeah so I have had 3 boyfriends and they found me, I was never looking but I got approached got to know them and a relationship ensued. Attending college abroad at such a pivotal age (18-) its like where you go to school becomes your new home: you accumulate stuff, have to make new friends, get to know your city/town, get to know "your" special restaurant you like and you get so integrated in the place its difficult to decide where is really home. Home is where you grew up but now you have roots in this new place too. I am an aquarian so I can adapt but I dont do change well unless its a last resort. So its like a double consciousness (I'm not trying to throw dirt on Du Bois' term for using it but it seems to fit) you dont feel like you can live in either place. At home everyone looks at you like ur crazy if you wanna move back but everyone that seems to love you (and that you love) is home or in that general area. At school you have friends but... its different. You have independence, access to lots of stuff etc but you dont have the love factor. So, you turn around at start looking at options for love...none. All these crumb snatchers are born in like 80 something...What?!? Then everyone that you know you are not interested in, and its not b/c they are good guys (and there is the fallacy that girls always fall for the bad guys), its all about attraction and compatability. I'm a lazy person, my friends from school never believe I did track so I cannot see myself leaving my environment (school) to go to places (bars, lounges, bookstores, museums, concerts) in order to meet new people. Annoyingly ironic how the person you are not intersted in ALWAYS approaches you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Steups

So for one friend the guy gave her mixed messages. They were friends. He went specially to her job after he graduated to hang out etc...but then he wouldnt call her as often as she called him, so she cut her calls down to 2x a month and tries not to obsess in the meanwhile. She even mentioned it, his lack of calling, and he emailed her his call log from his phone company debating that he called just as much. I wont go on but she basically stopped calling and so did he but with marginal emailing in the middle.

Why does it have to be so hard? I've never experienced this. So you were interested then changed your mind....say something. I never even heard about the 3 day rule till I was 24. If you give a guy your number or vici versa you have to wait 3 days if you are planning to call...why not the 1st day? You will look too eager. blah blah blah I say but it seems like the dating game is about games. And one of my friends has the whole protocol down cold.

Although I've had boyfriends I dont think I've dated. For me (about 2x) I started off knowing they liked me as a girlfriend and one started off as a friend so it started from friendship, but I never went out with more than one person at a time even as friends. The guys (before and after we were in a relationship) called when they thought about me which was often, they called when they wanted to talk, bullshit, hear my voice, or discuss or share something and strangely enough this really private person found that she could open up.
I was self conscious then as I am now but why does it seem more difficult to meet options....to find potential in someone or even the potential someone.


A male friend of mine says that I'm dangerous. He says that I understand the games guys play too well and that I'm kinda heartless... I operate like a guy when the emotion isn't there and it seldom is. He says I see and understand things that girls usually get hung up on or act emotional over. I think it depends on whether I like or trust the guy. When I don't fuck yea its easy to be detached. So I guess I don't like or trust much.


I've been spoken to in a manner that I didn't like, but I didn't take much of a stand cuz it rolled off my back. I didn't care too much what that person said about me, but that didn't mean that they had the right to speak to me like that. Because I don't let outside things bother me it seems like people try to hurt/provoke me to evoke some sort of emotion. It's like I frustrate them. Imagine someone told me they really loved me but they are over it now. I said I was sorry ( I say those words too quickly sometimes) but my 1st reaction was to laugh. You loved me?! That's how you show love? I was right to put you in the a$$hole outbox and move on. Then, there are others that say they care but I think, you don't know me, I know how you percieve me and you are all wrong. You care in a superficial way and you don't even realize it. Its like:

I opened my eyes while you were kissing me once, more than once.
And you looked as sincere as a dog.
Just as sincerce as dog....
When its the food on your lips with which its in love. (Fiona Apple - Parting Gift)

When ppl say they like me the half cocked eyebrow goes up and in my mind I'm like...you don't know me. What about me do you like?..Granted I am not rich, superfine, or have connections but I still have a pussy and having at least that still gives me the right to be skeptical of guys and if they are genuine. To me there are lots of pretty girls, there are nice girls, girls with personality.....Why me? Do you see a weakness in me? Do I look easy to manipulate? Tell her a bunch of lines, let her think she runs things then all of a sudden you buss on your average and realize "oh shit he never cared he just had a honey tongue".

Ummm I got distracted by VH1 web junk show sooo this post is done.... But why is male/female interaction so difficult. Am I a late bloomer? Why am I now realizing this?

Carnival come back again! - Iwer

Yeah I miss home. I go read Trinidad Express and they are talking about Kiddies carnival. And I miss everything: the costume, wining with your friends for the whole day in the band, how if you were under 12 it was taboo and embarassing when a guy that liked you in primary school jumped in de band and tried to grind on you, the way the glitter was all over my body and you and your close friends would do the identical glitter design on each others face, how we could tramp for miles and miles as long as the music was playing and the adult with our money kept the snow cones and suck-a-bags coming. I loved the feeling of going on the stage and displaying your costume after waiting for hours in the morning while the entire band assembled and dressed as the morning went from cool sunrise to blazing hot midday sun.
When I got older of course you felt you were too big to play mas and too self consious to tramp about in town in basically a bra and panties b/c boys are actually checking for you now. So your carnival schedule changes and carnival begins with the Queen show the Friday night where you profile and basically never end up watching to the show unless a friend of yours is participating. Then J'ourvet where you get away with wearing the skettiest or oldest pair of short shorts you have and a top cut in all the right places...you may play with a J'ourvet band and get totally covered with paint, power or both, or you could just go down to town right after a friend's Dimache-Gras lime and literally party till the sun came up on your dutty condition and then some.
When you got older, comfortable with your body, and had the company of the friends in your dance troupe you start back playing mas and after leaving J'ourvet at maybe 12 midday you rush home to bathe eat and catch an hr sleep to be back in town for 2pm when the band assembles. Lawlessness all day, wining not too much drinking cuz you already working with the J'ourvet hangover and with the dancing in the sun you don't need another reason to be dehydrated. You hear your favorite songs as much as you want to hear it. De big truck fuh de band is like yuh own personal dj making you feel good. No Coldplay today as much as you love them....no depressing reflective music its all about now....celebrating that you your smile your body your nationality is on display and you are not ashamed or shy as you usually are and you are "relaxed". Amazing this is what carnival does for me. Yeah its a big lime but you are with friends alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll day and even the most annoying one is never annoying.

So after the mas get home around 8 bathe shower eat, back into down by10/11pm to party. Party till morning. Repeat above and go out for mas and today is more important. Today you need to wear your full costume cuz its judging day and its not totally about you its about your band so energy energy energy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After mas back home and the cycle again. Back into town and the coutdown begins b/c at 12 midnight sharp the revelry ends. So although you resolved that you're gonna look non shiny and cute in your outfit you end up sweating like ah sket at a gangbang and when Machel and Iwer say on de ground you never realize when you ended up hands on the asphalt wining wit ah snakeoil waist. (Yeah de wantoness of your friends gives you courage LOL)
Twelve come and the police shut down the music and you go home to switch on the radio and realize that the "soca switch" done and they playing Brandy's - Have you ever on the radio. WTF?!? what happen to de wutliss lyrics that was playing in my head since Christmas.
Now the true debate starts should I go to school the next day as a badge of honor has a survivor of Carnival that has the strengh replete with leftover glitter on my face, chest, arms ....it never goes away easy ppl. PPl who work generally dont go to work and go chill on the beach next day. As a school chile u mad I try to do that?!!
Then the recollections start. who wine wit who (mind you they never spoke or acknowlege each others presence but you made a new friend) whose band won de mas competion, who got drunk, what ppl wore for J'ourvet (diapers, men in bras wig and lingerie/ girls in cat suits and impossible pum pum pummie shorts lol) Who end up getting horn (bun) in public cuz when u need to wine you need a good partner so many guys and girls end up holdin de wall while their SO literally wears out the cloth covering another girl's ass. Girls who realize from if they met their man in the party with someone else (whose outfit he paid for) that they were actually the side chick and not the main squeeze like they thought.
Ahhh memories
And its worse cuz I went home for xmas so I know the songs and I felt the vibe. Dont stop giving it to me.......................................