Revelations

I'm not really sure whether the sum total of my needed revelations have been revealed, but I've found out a few things.

1. I have no confidantes. Due to the childhood warning of keeping what happens at home private I'm unable to open up to people that I consider friends. I sometimes say I have no friends but if I'm being honest its more like I don't go out on a limb to treat them as friends when it comes to what's really going on with me.

2. I'm convinced I'm just one of those ppl that needed balance - I needed a father. As much bravado as I try to put forth, as much as a rationalize girls have grown up in brothels and survived, Anne Frank survived Nazi camps, ppl survive being orphans, being given up for adoption, beaten, abused, raped yet I feel like I just can't get over always feeling abanonned unwanted and at times jealous and resentful of my siblings.

3. As a result of being ignored, maybe ignored isn't the word...."unnoticed"....."unchecked up on" by my father I honestly feel any rejection I get from a male hurts just as badly as what I experienced from my father. Usually I'm good about choosing a boyfriend. They love me .... I love them back, they express interest and open up and I really decide "how do I feel about the person". But lately I've made some bad choices, I've been interacting with guys that aren't honest, that play around treat me like I'm the most enchanting person they have ever met one day, yet turn around and treat me like the little puppy that pissed on the carpet. Of course you are mad at it but its just so darn cute and helpless what's left to do but pity it.... The pitying isn't cute or endearing its been killing me slowly. I'm done trying to figure out the duality of their treatment it doesn't really matter, I can't change it however I want to change how I feel, by not subjecting myself to any sort of interaction with them. I've tried in the past and probably because of guilt he has apologized saying he knows what he did wrong and he's apologizing for "Everything". Hmmm what a wonderful catchall...everything. I really would like an itemized list to see if you REALLY know what you have done and how you treat me hurts. But being the open forgiving spirit I am, I erased the slate and you scribbled all over it again.

4. I am a procrastinator and I am afraid to reach for my dreams. As much as I frustrate myself because of my own actions I know there is someone who gets punished even more - my mom. I guess by hurting/ hindering my own progress I end up hurting her but I just wish everything could just affect me only. I really wish she could understand that I don't mean to hurt her.

5. I think I'm going to be alone all my life. It's funny how as a kid you think everything is just going to fall into place. You don't know how you are gonna get that job, house, husband, kids, friend etc but you see everyone around you with it so you assume there is some sort of manual or warehouse where you can just pick these things up when you get to the age where you should have them. Sadly not so. I just feel like I was ill-equipped for figuring all of this out. I was going to say I've figured out:

Love and go with the one who loves you....not the one that you love unrequitedly.

However, that's unfair. While you wait to discover the moment when you will be in love with boy 1 he is putting his all into everything and only getting a smoke and mirror relationship - not fair. And, since the one you love is an insensitive dick that just compounds your daddy issues the safest thing is to simply exist alone....as an island. This reminds me of a previous coworker on campus. A third party told me she just hated my guts yet I never did anything to her, the quote was that " I walked around all the time with this look on my face like I was entitled to something, like I was better than someone." Wow well I guess she just never met someone who had as many problems as I imagine for myself.

I cried myself to sleep last night and I've gotten into the habit of switching off my cell phone when I go to bed. When I get up I forget it was off and sometimes it stays off an entire day... no worries no one calls anyway unless its for sex or to go to the club or to talk about issues in their life or an ex. But last night/this morning/4AM I got reprimanded for it. My FB said he thought I was out of the country he couldn't understand why I would just switch my phone off. Of course the most absurd came to his mind first "are you effin someone else" instead of simply that "I don't want to be reached".
Its hard giving so much of yourself to others and not gettin anything that you want in return. I am a confidante for others yet I can't confide in them, I love someone yet they won't reciprocate, I love someone else yet can't be near them, I treat others as a friend yet they don't give me their quality time only requests for phone sex, sex, club companion etc. Is it that everyone is that busy with their lives that they can't care,??? they just take what they need and keep it moving.
No fuck buddy I haven't developed feelings for you I just want to feel human. I want the buddy part of the relationship otherwise just say that we fuck, otherwise let me know I'm not paranoid in thinking we were never friends. There is really no profit for me in this equation - just let me go please.

I want to be on hiatus from the world. Oh its Christmas......
Oh its New Year's.........

wow I hadn't noticed.

A very morose post after such a long hiatus. I really stumbled my way through 2007. It was a God awful mess and for all the harship and pain of the year I'm not sure if my revelations add up to the value of the year that I've lost. This is officially the worst year and lost year of my life. I wanted to diary this entire year but the lows were so low, to catalogue them would probably just aid me into banishing myself to an abyss of forever darkness.

So what am I going to do now?
Cook.
Cook some salmon, vegees and rice and just believe in myself that I can turn everything around. Trust that going through the darkest has shown me exactly where I don't want to be and instill in me the fire to drive and push for more...to continue to push for WHAT I AM WORTH!