Tick

Hunger hurts, but starving works when it costs too much to love - Fiona Apple, Paper Bag.

Have you ever felt in life that as others are busy living their life you are on the fringe helping them live it, but not really involved in living your own life? No? Well I feel like that sometimes. It's kinda like the Will Smith character in The Legend of Bagger Vance the stereotypical black sage etc.
It's kinda like you get lost in someone else world and get envelopped in helping them achieve their goals and what's more ridiculous is that I never saw myself as that kind of person. But as I typed it, I remember some hints from childhood.
For the longest while as a child I convinced myself that I was adopted, irregardless of the fact that I'm the spitting image of my mom and people who haven't seen me in years walk up to me on the street and are like, "You're so and so's daughter. You can't hide it". Nevertheless I convinced myself, and rather than be highly annoyed and offended my mom even helped me find my REAL mom.... the fat lady by the market. Anytime there was discord (which was a lot I was a difficult, read that as free-spirited child and my mom is a stubborn Scorpio with a long memory) she would ask, after a week or so had blown over (I'm telling you this woman can stay mad), she would ask jokingly if I was ready to live with the fat lady by the market. Rewind to about age 7. I was in stealth mode behind one of the hotel bungalows straining my ears for any sounds of despair, any hint that something was awry, that some fat hotel guest was either grinding glass to put in his rich, by way of inheritance, wife's food or was gonna put digitalis in her iced tea. Hot damn! I thought I was the whole Famous Five and Secret Seven put together. Now many kids role play and imagine but how many write notes about the comings and goings of hotel guests, bits and parts of irrelevant conversation, and had the arrogance of Knight Rider going up to the pool's bar asking for a drink with no means to pay (they gave me a big drink with an umbrella everytime) especially when they know if caught it would be BIGGG trouble. Anyways I did and I rode all around that place on my pink BMX bike like it was Kit, "borrowed" a golf cart here and there if I felt it wouldn't be missed. The point is a lot of the time growing up I wished that I was someone else.
Ok to regain the intial thread of the post. Ok. Yes. So, I feel like over the years I've gotten soft. In relationships I've always been able to retain my "me-ness", my focus on my goals. But, coming to college was a different story. I was with my last boyfriend for 3 1/2 years and for me thats a lifetime considering that before that my longest relationship was 9 months, a turbulent 9mths but thats another story. After being together constantly for that long to break up in the space of a day with thousands of miles between us was crazy, (we/I broke up because of the distance, its different country distance).
*** I hardly have time to blog but when I creative juices flow I'm always at work so instead of keeping it as a draft I will put this up even though its unfinished. Actually this is good the "unfinished" ethic is sorta typical of me :)

Trainspotting...well not really

I am in the Metro stop waiting for my connecting train. Eleven minutes damn! So I lean against one of the walls, close my eyes and crank up the volume of my Ipod to listen to Common and his sexy song that you don’t realize is so sensual at first cuz it so old soul. So through the blasting bass it sounds like someone is trying to get my attention. I open my eyes and he repeats himself thrice because I can’t get the volume down quick enough.
“Work is rough huh? For the 4th time,” and for the first time I really look at him 'cause I’m done fiddling with my Ipod. Before me stands a forty odd or fifty odd year old man with a full head of soft, curly graying hair that is thinning on the top. He has big wide eyes, an egg-shaped head, vanilla skin, and thin lips. I’m picturing him, I don’t know if you can because the description may be generic. On with our story.
G: So what’s your name?
He says this while extending his hand. I usually give a firm handshake, but I don’t know him from Adam, I don’t know if he washes his hands after using the bathroom so I give him a three finger shake, but he grabs my other two. My annoyance fire has been stoked ever so gently.
G: So what are you doing this Sunday?
I stare at him blankly. Refusing to lie to someone I don’t know… he hasn’t earned the right of me trying to spare his feelings.
Me: Nothing I don’t have plans.
G: So how would you like to be having dinner with me this Sunday?
I respond in half a heartbeat, “No thanks.”
G: You are lying.
He sees my, “is you crazy, half cocked eyebrow look”.
G: You didn’t think about it. You answered too quick, maybe if you had waited 25 seconds I would have believed you.
Now I’m actually starting to enjoy the conversation, 9 minutes won’t seem so long after all.
Me: I think fast.
G: No one thinks that fast.
Me: Well I do.
He stares… and stares.
Me: What’s with the staring?
Mind you by American standards he’s in my personal space. He’s about 2 palm lengths away from my face. (Yes I know palm lengths is a silly measure)
G: I’m not staring. What is that? What is the definition? Can you tell me?
He says this with a mocking tone in his voice like I’m a hoodrat DC chick.
Me: It’s an unwavering, penetrating, unblinking look from one person to another. (Didn’t I say I think fast.)
G: That’s wrong.
Me: Do you have Webster’s dictionary on you? No. So you have no basis for saying its wrong.
G: Why are you judging me? How do you know what I do or do not have?
Me: I take a mental chill pill to keep from laughing and possibly triggering his psychotic break. So I take a breath and ask ever so sweetly, “Well do you?”
G: No
Me: Well ok then. (With authentic Countess Vaughn of The Parker’s head…twitching/nodding)
G: So why did you say no?
Me: I’m not in the market for new friends. I’m all maxed out in that dept. I’m straight.
G: No, that is not true. You are using your subjective mind instead of your objective…if you know the difference. Objective would have made you appreciate my approach, realized that I was genuine and made you accept my invitation. You let your subjective mind let your work and other stressors get in the way…like past relationships and experiences. You are letting these things influence you. You are on the delta level of lies and bitterness. You are closing yourself off when the best approach is to open up and move forward and let go of past experiences.
Me: Interesting.
G: No, not interesting! What I have told you is wisdom not interesting, can’t you see that? The wealth of what I’m saying….
Me: No it’s interesting.
G: No it is wisdom, I see what you cannot.
Me: To imply it’s wisdom means it’s fact. It’s only…….. your opinion.
My guy had walked off on me.
Damn. At least the train is here now, that was an entertaining 9 minutes. Now where was Common, “…Freaky like the daughter of a pastor. Said I was bait for her to master…. (Go)”

Random entertainment blurbs

This is a comment that I made at this site http://fiyahplace.blogspot.com/2005/06/celebrity-justice.html and since it was so damn long I said why not just post it on my own blog so here are my ruminations.

Ok first off with DC sincerecaramel a few guys I know echo ur sentiments about the red-headed chick that she was the best. Yeah when I saw the crazy in love vid I was wide-eyed looking at the TV thinking when did Bee get so light. Coupled with that looking at old and new pics Kelly looks like she got a nose job...as long as she doesn't pull a lil Kim and get the boobs done she's still my girl. (sigh the influence of Hollywood) She actually stepped up this album to become more noticable and once she can translate a cute ditty (like the one with Nelly) into an entire album she will have a career.

Ok groups are all about hierarchy even the regular group of 'girlfriends' has the hierarchy and the niche (that's why the Spice Girls were so successful) and Michelle (I like to call her Mabel cuz she mos def lying about her age....that B.tch is OLD) was there simply to make Kelly feel good.

BTW I heard Papa Knowles has a sexual harassment lawsuit from a DC backup dancer. It's so gross to believe that he gets ass off of his daughter being Beyonce and who are these dumb chickenheads...yet I digress. Why "cousin" Kelly is never treated as a stepchild? It's because she is Beyonce's half sis. Cmon yall do a split screen analysis with Popa Knowles(Fiyah work that out). Oh one other idea is that maybe arena's were not full enough so there's nothing like a "final tour" banner to drum up more sales. I've exhausted comments on this group that I don't care about, or bought a CD from.

On to Mike. As aggressive or beast-like or crazy or anything he may seem I would always support him and wish him the best, except when he fought Lennox Lewis I wanted to go through the TV and drop kick him myself. I grew up watching Mike, jus like I grew up watching cricket and the World Cup, and if ever there was a victim of circumstance it would be him. From his childhood on up he was just bred on the aggressiveness that stayed with him in everyday life and made him a champion in the ring. He had a turning point for, well not redemption but elevation to a better mental emotional state and that was Robin Givens. Nuff said. Yes I am a female, no I'm not a molester, and yes I watch Law&Order SVU and wanna scream, but much like the accusations against MJ I don't believe he raped her. So I feel sorry for Mike as always and was never freaked out when he threatened to eat babies. No worries with that gap he would probably swallow them whole, so jus get him to throw up and yuh get yuh baby back. (ok I'll wrap this up I'm bordering on inane).

About MJ I'm glad to see he did not have a celebratory sleepover, but on the real I hope his mom moves in to regulate cuz all the paid employees don't give a shit.The boy and his mom are the worst kind of people. She has pimped her son out like a high priced whore for the hope of getting money out of stars. The DA has had a hard on for Mike since '93. It was a weak case that should have never seen the light of day. I hope Mike gets some people around him who will make him get some help and make better choices. BTW R Kelly's court date is when????

Lastly Katie and Tom look gross not b/c of Katie or the age gap. Its about Tom. To me he is so fugly and when he grins he gets this, manical look on his face. He is one of those ppl that on a first date would say, "There's no one around, you know I could kill you here and noone would know," and think it was a funny icebreaker. Katie is cute by white standards, but then again Paris Hilton is a sex goddess. Hmmm.

Wrath!

Here is another written "expression" that I will give the backstory to at the end.
23/07/04
How does it feel to be the righteous one clothed in the righteouness that a secret has tailored for you?
How does it feel to be the one who is pitied, the empathizers unaware of the duplicity of your nature?
How does it feel to be disdained by the sole entity whose acceptance you seek
The cost of acceptance is honesty but it's been a long time; honestly do you even remember how?
"Those who lack conscience even lie to themselves" and how pathetic is that
Hurt after hurt.... it's hard to still be a nice person instead of being worn out because your heart/spirit is full of scabs
Your incessant presence chokes me
How does it feel to be the one in sunlight while I'm under the rainclouds
Vengeance is mine said the Lord, but I wonder is there any way that I can help him to make that day come sooner?

Basically a friend of mine, a friend of 5-6 yrs came up to me one day and after much wrangling told me they were in love with me. Mind you they courted the actual moment of the revelation for weeks saying they had some thing they wanted to talk to me about but they were unsure if I would be "upset". My response to that was, "you know me, so you should know; also the fact that you are unsure or need to ask means that there may be a problem". Now a friendship could survive this if only we weren't friends of the same sex. Immediately memories flood back to the times where u were in a rush and changed clothes in front of them, times where as a greeting or b/c you were happy to see your friend you gave a hug and a kiss, to the times when....well you get the idea. You feel vulnerable like if your favorite uncle got caught being a peeping Tom, at your window.
So the next stage was me thinking we're all mature in college (she said she was tryna shake it) so in step with being PC (politially correct) and "emotionally mature" (aka in denial) I decided to treat her more or less the same. That's a laugh since we were roomates (including 1 other mutual friend) we (the lover and the lovee unrequited/me) were constantly at each others throat to the dismay, and bewilderment of the 3rd roommate and other friends that came to hang out. Of course in their eyes I was the bitch, (not the bitch in the relationship ppl) just the bitchiest friend in our circle of friends who was immensely fake for treating a friend like a dog. Yo I just couldn't help it as usual I tried to control my emotions by pretending I didn't have any, but I would trip off for anything.

PS I will continue adding to this if I can or continue the saga another day. Direct TV calls.

Untitled

Most of my poems, musings, ramblings, or cries for help are untitled and have been written years ago. I will try to keep the typos minimal but I'm only human, however, I am a lil OCD so I may end up editing this stuff a lot. I'm a newbie still trying to get the hang of how it works.

1) 29/12/98
Lonliness is a state of mind
Which makes me feel like I'm underwater, gasping for air.
I'm dammed if I open my mouth and let the water surge in.
And, I'm dammed if I don't and hold it in 'til I burst.
So there lies the dilemma, the inaction, surpressed confusion.

2) 14 Jan 1999 (KA)
I don't love hard enough
I lost a friend
I'm not a keeper of secrets,
I don't indulge in the adolescent exchange of messages,
or uniting of souls in love
I'm simply superficial
Now I cry for him the one who I hold no secrets for, no intimacies
Guilt makes me feel so bad

We separated whenI stayed constant and he strayed
It seemed like we couldn't mix so he split
So it came, long pauses in conversation, nothing to tease about
Friendship can pass you by if you don't grasp it firmly
This is my revalation of guilt for not loving enough and even worse, not being a keeper of secrets
Here's to me being too ambitious to be accessible even to a friend

It hurts that I am no longer close to you and now realize how much I love you
That's why I didn't deserve to know your deepest secrets, since I didn't hold any previous ones
Why the biggest? Found out inadvertently
Is it really what I deserve?
Do I ask you if you would have cared if I knew?
Would it be repeated?
How can I love but not trust you completely?

3) 04-April 1999
(Interrupted)
Our lives run like parallel lines
But in opposite directions
The time is never right for us to get to geether and start a relationship
So I wonder are we more caught up in the dream/fantasy of harbouring a secret love
Than the pure sweetness this joining could provide in reality
I liken it to the battered woman who believes each time he'll never do it again
When will the time be right for this love to handle the competition of reality?
Reality in our relationship is our friendship
It hasn't ended and I don't think it would, knock wood!!
But the honesty is what keeps it alive

Some say you don't know the lie 'til they tell the truth
But the stuff you confide is real and when I play confident and indifferent the more I realize that our love is real
It's real in the friendship that we share
And we're getting closer to admitting it
That's half the battle won, but the fantasy still remains
But, what is life without a dream ...

4) 18th Aug. 1999
I believe it's fear that has you still running after me
It can't be love, after all this time it can't possibly be
It's more of a possession thing
Afraid that no other fool would give you as much, love you as much, tolerate you as much and give you as much as I have

It's like you're a junkie and I'm your facillitator
No matter how much I cut you off or give you pittances of my dead love for you, you keep coming back for more
I feel tied to you more like a witch to a stake being tried for the crime of destroying your heart
Loving then rejecting you in a heartbeat
Stringing you along simply to be in charge of someone's emotions
Simply because I couldn't control my own

So who do I blame for a love that hasn't ended going strong on the fifth year?
I don't blame myself entirely
I realize I put as much emotion as you into the relationship
I was deep in a hole
I dreamt then woke thinking only of you
You were 1st-122nd in my life and I lived through you
You also used me to some extent
And, I guess because I got over it so seemingly easy you thought I never loved you
But I withdrew my love poco by poco with each revalation of your unlove
So at the final straw there was nothing left; no more love to use or discard

5) Dec 27 1999 12:00 am Viv house
Let me tell you about something that I lost that was so dear to me
I guess I took it for granted and slowly it was withdrawn from me
See when you left I was swept with feverish nostalgia and wrote almost non stop but the same connection was harder to maintain
So I reasoned that the break would be cleaner if I could distance my emotions from you

I miss my best friend; what do I have now?
Noone that really understands me
This break is worse in that it is unclean and unresolved
The parameters of the relationship are ill defined and awkward
You see we know our friendship's ended and invalid, yet hang on to the ruins of the relationship

At times I imagined myself in love with you but I realized it was the fact that you know me so well that I loved
No pretense, counterplays or faux pas
Hard, gritty, honest, playful, loving
Now I see the energy that you expended on our friendship lavished on another whom I must say deserves it
I don't understand you
I can't read your emotions like before and that ISH kills me
I feel like I'm in JAWS ready to do battle with a butter knife
Curse the day I made my prognosis for 'absentitis'

I believe that absence makes the heart grow colder as it no longer has familiarity to cling to
Slights are exaggerated and promulgated into imagined insults
My heart is as heavy as Hester's wihich bore the Scarlett A of an adulturer
Once again I have nadie
Half of me wants to give up and return to my never ending solitude
And the other half of the Gemini wants so desperately to cling and hop for a storybook ending of a redeemed friendship