FUTF

Ok so you are having sex with someone...all into it and he is hitting the right spots...hitting them magnificently
You are getting a work out going from position to position. it cyar done.

so now you are in a modified backshot cuz he is standing....All of a sudden without breaking his stroke rhythm he reaches behind him and turns on the light and adds a few ass slaps for good measure.
Horror of all horrors usually as a girl...well at least me I'm a shy girl...Touch but don't watch...
Anyway I look back smile and continue to enjoy myself, I'm past being self conscious at this point in time.

Now the question is should I be offended if he turns the light back off??????

Things that make you go hmmmmmm...................................................................

Has anyone seen that show on VH1 Can't get a Date??? It shows on Fridays at midnight. Perfect time cuz if you can't find a date you're definitly at home watching......

got interrupted
I really don't see myself as sexy so when some stuff happens it just doesn't make sense to me and ppl get all mad and irritated but I really can't see why you would want me to play strip solitaire with you. doesn't make sense will complete later

Sometimes I wonder about us

From a MSN convo


dont ever get a chile mudder says: hit
dont ever get a chile mudder says: me
dont ever get a chile mudder says: come get me
dont ever get a chile mudder says: i bite but
dont ever get a chile mudder says: she bit me
dont ever get a chile mudder says: get on top!

Taj says: hi D*******
dont ever get a chile mudder says: dream of californication
dont ever get a chile mudder says: marry me girl be my fairy to the world
dont ever get a chile mudder says: be my very own constellation
dont ever get a chile mudder says: a teenage bride with a baby inside gettin high on information
dont ever get a chile mudder says: and buy me a star on the boulevard
Taj says: chilli peppers
dont ever get a chile mudder says: born and raised by those who praise control of poulation
dont ever get a chile mudder says: yep
dont ever get a chile mudder says: HARD AS MUDDER CUNTHOLENESS STEEL
Taj says: ok
dont ever get a chile mudder says: wuh is your scene dese days
dont ever get a chile mudder says: u dont say much
Tamara says: what am i to say to the lyrics
dont ever get a chile mudder says: no in general padna
Taj says: well i guess not much going on
Taj says: what about you u seem stressed?
dont ever get a chile mudder says: i am!
Taj says: whats up?
dont ever get a chile mudder says: appreciate the concern but i dont really wanna talk about it
Taj says: sigh
Taj says: ok u sure
dont ever get a chile mudder says: yup
Taj says: ok den
Taj says: so what do you wanna talk about?
the two towers says: us
Taj says: ok go ahead
the two towers says: is there a us
Taj says: like future marriage?
the two towers says: yup
the two towers says: or somethin like that
Taj says: hmmm I cant say for sure but i don't think so
the two towers says: why dont you think so?
Taj says: time location


yep from 1:33PM to 4PM and continuing no reply

Any need to wonder why I worry about dis boy.........

Ok I fucked up....I never fuck up a lil bit always big. Never small or medium fuck up it's always GRANDE. Of course I'm not going to get into it here, c'mon now that's not my personality again. All I will say is God is good, sound weird coming from me right. I'm not an atheist, I'm a christian so I guess that makes me a practicing christian but am I religious?...I even question it myself.

I deny deny deny stuff but I will say here and now that I am spoilt. I must be spoilt (heather you were right) because I always find a way to derail myself, I always find a new low to have to drag myself from. Maybe I like feeling like the underdog or maybe I just don't care...all I know is that either of these options don't feel like the REAL me. Self-saboetage, self-fulfilling prophesy all of these things seem to be explanations for the stupid stuff I do in life.

Am I too demanding of myself...are my standards too high cuz worse decisions have been made by others...I mean there are career prostitutes and strippers, but at least they have issues that changed their mentality from a young age that caused them to make choices leading them to that point. Sigh.

I've never felt that anything in life I had that I earned...god blessed me with smarts if I had actually worked maybe I could have had a 1600 in SATs that's how I think...1360 is pitiful...but that's getting caught up in the numbers game but oddly enough that's the bulk of what is used to judge ppl in this world. It's never intrinsic worth, it's always some standardized number.

Grades, scholarships, jobs etc I always have the feeling of being lucky to have these accomplishments or God blessed me with basic smarts and me really applying myself and working hard could ONLY result in a Rhodes scholarship or some ridiculously high pinnacle of achievement. I guess what I'm saying in a nutshell is that I feel....average.

I'm a very weird person. Very feely feely though not outwardly to others....very sensitive without ever wanting to admit it. I just wanna be babied a lil bit. I just want someone else to be in charge of me for a while...

Maybe I'm spoilt because I feel that rules don't apply to me that I can work my way around stuff, do as I feel. That's arrogant, that's messedup. Whatever it is I need to learn to just do what I'm supposed to when I'm supposed to - not when I feel like getting around to it. Sigh

Nobody's fault but mine
Nobody's fault but mine
Tryin' raise my soul to the light
Nobody's fault but mine

Thank you Nina Simone

Ok so yall know women have a theoretical biological clock that is all too real sometimes. And we always have the dilemma of chosing career over family (depending on the career of your choice) often you have to sacrifice one for the other....not forever, but the longer you postpone it the less probable success in the other will be.

Given that most women would like to have the full package ie marriage or good job or financial security or job satisfaction or all of the aforementioned before they have kids what is a woman to do when she is established (ie. financial security) yet has no man or long term significant other to have a baby with?

Well recently I asked 2 of my friends, who I consider to have good qualities, if I get to the age of 35+ and want a baby would they consider being the sperm donors? They both said NO!!!

I'd like to talk about my quarter life crisis and also the debate between whether depression is a bonafide disease, laziness (as one male friend believes it to be) or simply unfulfillment....You're depressed because you are unfulfilled and you are unfulfilled because you haven't taken charge of your life, at least thats how I see it but I won't say it isn't a disease.

I'd like to talk about these things as they pertain to my life but I usually bust into crocodile tears or I just can't seem to get the words together to express myself in a cohesive manner.

Sigh

The ties that Bind

Some of my friends at HU laugh and groan at my HI5 friends list of about 300+ but I really do know 99% of those ppl and could tell you how I know them...Thats just like during xmas vac my cousin from Trinidad and my ex boyfriend kept on laughing cuz we went to town one day and every 2 steps I had to stop and chat with some one I know, bank, jewlry store, clothes store, telephone company, taxi stand, parking lot, walking on the street, internet cafe, port, post office, Fort etc etc etc.
But I dunno the people I really call friends in my life they knowwwww without a doubt that I will go all out for them, sacrifice and be honest to them.
My boy my bestest friend since the twelve days after I was born was probably my first friend, from him and his sibs I got my taste of having sibs and our parents raised us as such....you couldnt ask for one and give the answer I don't know. In primary school coming up to common entrance it got really competitive between us...dunno why...Well both of us passed and that was done....High school different manoevers and we are trying to find our own crowds...we weren't as close cuz he was tryna chase girls and you couldn't really do that with your best friend being a girl cuz everyone asks...isn't she your girlfriend? Then he had to go through the whole bros over bitches movement that comes with adoloscence and coupled with that School is wack, I'm not gonna even try. This guy was the smartest I had known till this point and he decided to dumb himself down to hang with the cool guys...girls dont have that problem even if you the hottie hottie girl u still don't wanna be the dumb girl....So he ends up in the B stream and never escaped the stigma of it ...I mean when you're in high school that seems so absolute "Hey we weeded the garden and you're in the dumb bunch" so that sorta separated us more. I wasn't his confidante anymore, couldn't influence him for the better and we only related on party terms...In fact one of my earliest poems on this blog was dedicated to him KA after he was in an accident and almost died...when he was out ofthat danger we thought he may survive but be blind....I even flew to Trinidad over the weekend to see him.....But how did I find out initially about a day late and all I was thinking was how did it get to this point that I had to find out this late and from someone else at school. During that time both of us realized hey yeah we may not know each others deepest darkest secrets but we love each other and not a nostalgic love a real friendship love that no time could diminish.

So when his daughter was born I was at school he told me. When he got pics Igot pics 2 days after she was born....when they were deciding on names he asked for my suggestions. That xmas when I went home she was thoroughly spoilt with clothes, toys, hugs and kisses from auntie T. The next time I went home she could actually call me Auntie T. When I go home I test the door and walk str8 in like I did when I was 5 through high school. If he's not home I chat with whoever is there, fix myself something to eat and watch some TV.
It's funny once I went to his house we sat down had a long heart to heart..then I was leavin he decided to go have a shower...Dumb me of course forgot the car keys and had to go back and caught my boy naked goin to shower. For a second he covered himself with his hands then he was like Whatever and we both laughed and I sat on the toilet talking to him while he took his shower.

I love him and he loves me and it is so totally in a friendship way. That is why when a friend of mine made almost to the end of high school tries to tell me about KA and his orgies with girls, getting high, short temper, love of "breaking out" innocent girls and sex antics....Rationally I hear him but in another way I don't.
That's not the person I know. I don't care that it's rumored he has herpes (small island everyone gossips)....in fact I don't believe it. I don't understand why you are so insistent to prove everything to me to shatter the esteem and love that I have for him. No one is an angel and logically since he knows me he's not gonna treat me like any old trick, but seriously now why are u sooo insistent in defaming his character to me you KNOW I don't like it.

It's almost like you are saying pick one of us, I'm the better friend, I don't like him so you can't either.....And ppl say girls like drama. Why can't you just appreciate that I have a different relationship with you both.

KA is moving on with his life finally. He has chosen a career and is working towards it both for himself and his daughter and I am proud of him. And I think now b/c of lots of little factors we are gonna get closer ... get back to the begining. This Jill Scott song Do you remember me off her 1st album always reminds me of me and KA, just two lil kids a boy and a girl sitting on a step barebacked eating a mango they can barely reach their hands around. That's my best memory of us.
Blessings 4eva
________________________________________________________
TOTALLY SEPARATE FROM & UNRELATED TO THE ABOVE

I feel like I'm turning into the annoying crazy girl that won't leave you alone. It's all about impulse control and I never was too good at that. Sigh. Well the only benefit is that I erase all my good qualities in your eyes and....then....hmmmm???? Ok then I will know without a doubt that you don't want me and that there is nothing I can do about it....The erasure of hope is my redemption.

call me.

thank goodness i deleted the number...thank god it's no longer in my incoming and outgoing calls cuz I would have called already. So now i simply can't call. Brava Taj Brava!

I remember

These lyrics are written to Baby Cham's song Ghetto Story
Lyrics by Riley (ex-bf) str8 written wit no chaser or revision Song title: True Story


i remember the days when i used to call you the kid
and i would ask if u love me and would say that you did
but then trouble came on and blew us away
or was it my insecurity that fucked me up that day
up till now i still remember how you made me feel
how we convinced ourselves that the love we felt was real
then your mom pulled me over...tried to make a deal
caused a wound so deep it couldnt heal

****Thinking back my mom really was the mafia. And we really did love each other in the deepest way possible....but sometimes the road to hell is paved with good intentions

The not quite right d!ck

From the past few posts you can tell that I've been in a funk...that's what the "not quite right dick" can do to a girl. It makes you erase every remembrance of good dick that you have had in the past. It seriously kills memory and sex drive. Being that I don't have a great memory exact details of a glorious past are probably not going to come back but the little things that cause your spine to tingle and send flashing contractions and twinges down there occur occasionally. I may be on my way back never to go down that road again.

Back to my plans. How sweet is it that someone calls just to hear your voice. People just won't understand how much I appreciate that. See thats what I mean as often as you think of me....call me or jus more than 1x a month.

Hope is so important in life but right now it's hope that is killing my spirit. At the start of every week I 'hope' that you will call to say when you can visit, so I drudge though the week bound by obligation and necessity eagerly anticipating Friday when maybe you will call b/c you were trying to surprise me....no dice once again, and again , and again, and again.
Is the "not quite right dick" so bad if it helps to numb you to another hurt...does the end justify the means. And I write this in my blog and I am brought back to the hurt place I despise and am trying to avoid.
Sigh nothing is working.
Until something new is realized I guess I'll be stuck here. Yea it's not smart to get over someone by finding someone new but seriously for me I know it will work.

FUCK YOU
yea i shout it to the sky and no one hears least of all you but at least i'm venting cuz this has been fermenting way too long : (

Why do I invest so much in people I have no forseeable future with...this is hard, you know everyone has their "thing" their hangup in life. For one friend her mantra is "People don't change," she learned this from her parent's relationship, another person is sick of ppl looking at her like her life is golden - judging her "apparent" naivety and me my hangupS are (yea I had to have more than one main one) distance and people leaving me...I guess it one cos they leave me thereby creating the distance. That's why I break up with you rather than do the long distance relationship, that's why if a friend has to move away I just sorta lose contact....but the thing is I want you but for reason's other than distance US is still a problem. Why does my life have such fucked up timing Why?
Well we are working towards something, I hope it works. I hope for my sanity it works. Even though its fresh with you I can't take yet another failed visit

The planning has begun, thanks for being a man and making the effort. {thumbs up}

Round and Round I go...where I stop u will never know....10pts for who can guess the artiste this song is from!

So on Friday I had an invitation to go look at the Blooming Cherry Blossoms, then go chill at Xroads in a after work lime type setting. The guy was gonna get off work early, about 4pm, to accomodate these activities. He also provided an alternative: we could go to the movies instead of Xroads.
What did I choose?
I chose to stay home paint my nails then go to intramurals on campus. I was supposed to call him to let me know if I was on track for the plans....I only replied to him via MSN messenger when he messaged me at about it @ 10PM asking if I was doing anything tonight. I typed "no, probably not" while I was putting on earrings and mascara on my way out to the club. Although I did apologize for not calling him b4 the 4pm deadline.

Sad innit. I always complain about being lonely blah blah blah and look at what I do. But I know this dance...we are gonna start off as friends then he is gonna approach me as more than a freind then I will have to lose a friend. I guess u realize I'm not interested in him... I don't find him attractive punto finale. Call me shallow I don't give ah fuck. That aside I would be willing to work with him...I say work with him cuz as friends we approach things so differently and usually end up arguing, shouting at each other with doldrom periods ie times when we are so frustrated we take a week-long self-imposed non-speakin ban. {Aside: that was a lot of hypenated works}

So you think I think too highly of myself that I'm conceited. Well, I've know him 6yrs now and from freshman yr he tried to get with me, through having a gf who was my friend he still "joked around". He is cool peeps but the more time we would spend around each other it would seem like it should develop into more.

I don't feel that bad cancelling on him since the invitation came at about midnight thurs nite/fri morning...you should give someone a lil more notice. I have natural hair for God's sake I need some damn notice!

I jus wanna write thank you for being a good friend. I thought through the misunderstanding of thinking I was interested in you and partly leading you on that that would wreck our friendship, but you didn't act weird so I didn't. So now I realize that even though you may like me you can be a genuine friend. Who else would feed me at 3AM on Friday morning.... leaving Micky Dees just inside the door b/c I coudn't take the agony, fell asleep hungry and didn't reply to the text....who else would do that and not demand to sleep over, come inside and "chill".
I either don't think about things or don't care about consequences, who else would politely decline an invitation to come over at 3:30AM after the party to sleep over and cuddle. Well you would, and thank you :-)

Just what I was wrestling with this week

The Sex and the City image of women seeking casual encounters for pleasure does not quite fit the latest research.
Nine out of 10 women interviewed in-depth about their views said they thought one night stands were immoral.
The researchers investigating female attitudes to sex and sexuality found most women had more traditional views of casual sex than they expected.
The results of the Sheffield team's study of 46 women is presented at a psychology conference on Friday.
They found only 10% of the women aged 23 to 83 who were interviewed at length thought "no strings" sex was acceptable.

'Looking for love'

Dr Sharron Hinchcliff will tell the British Psychological Society conference in Cardiff it made her question whether women have really gained the sexual freedom they are supposed to have enjoyed since the 1960s.
The team from the University of Sheffield asked women about their general attitudes to sex and concerns about casual sex emerged.
They found that although participants thought one-night stands were immoral, they did not condemn women for having them as many of them had indulged themselves.
But there was a view that those that did had "something lacking in their lives".

'Emotional involvement'

She said the results did not fit in with images of today's independent woman who can go out and get sexual fulfilment without the ties of a relationship.
She told the BBC News website: "Women positioned sex very much in the context of an intimate relationship.
"But when they talked about casual sex they didn't give those reasons.
"Rather it was because they were looking for something - looking for love or because they had got drunk or were high on drugs.
"There was a real sense that they were out of control."
She added: "Sex is an emotional experience for women so how could they have sex without being emotionally involved?"

'Wonderful adventure'

Dr Tuppy Owens, of the Sexual Freedom Coalition, said casual sex could be an empty experience if there was no mental connection.
Dr Owens added: "However, if you go out wondering what might happen, ready to give as well as receive, you might have the most wonderful adventure."
The results of the research appear to clash with the results of a national survey in 2000 which found Britons are more promiscuous than ever before.
The National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles 2000 (Natsal 2000) found that men and women have more sexual partners than they did 10 years ago and are more likely to be unfaithful.
___________________________________________________
Basically what I've said and I didn't need a study to say it...however I did confirm it for myself this week. How stupid...how stupid once again...I guess that's where the sick feeling came from. Sigh.