Is this what erasing you feels like? Can sex make you feel sick? I actually can't remember what your touch feels like or the feeling of excitement I got anticipating your touch. I don't feel anything. I already have a bad memory and now any memory of us and sex is turned to dust. Unless I share in your recollections I have none of my own. I could rate you, but the details, being swept up in the rollercoaster of memories and recollections...its ebbing away rapidly, so rapidly I didn't realize until it was too late.

JayP

Jaypella de gyul dem fella. (Smile) cute That became your DJ name. So many things I found cute about you. Funny how things don't turn out how you expect them to. Excuse my rambling ppl I guess I blog when I'm bored, lonely or can't sleep. We had a lot of firsts together more you than me 2nd kiss, 1st blow job, 1st time sex, first time sex in a public place, 1st time PdA when I grabbed you and kissed you with tongue on the street :-) the good days. also the 1st girl to cheat on you. You couldn't wait could you? couldn't you give me the time to reconcile my past before we moved on? I guess your impatience and other circumstances prevented this so I moved on without addressing certain things and yes those things bit our relationship in the ass. He pre-existed....Is that cheating? It was me and him before me and u, an unfinished me and him. Sigh I hate what ifs but I think that both of you will forever be a big What If in my life.
In one of my online chatrooms the question was asked: Committed, Single, Dating, Celibate?
Well I answered all of the above:
Committed to my ex b/c I can't find anyone to move on with
Single I have no boyfriend
Dating but not really since I dont wanna just have a fuck buddy
Celibate since I have no boyfriend but with the occasional vibrator use

I thought I would get laughed at but at least 2 ppl quoted my response, and being completely honest, they used it as their response to the question. How about that.
Sigh, I just depressed myself. I need to just drink a lil rum and send my ass to sleep.

Sexual emancipation?

(Singing)
You gonna make me fuck somebody else (I'm gonna fuck somebody)
If you keep on treating me the way you do
(you don't wanna do it, you don't wanna do it)
You gonna make me fuck somebody else
If you keep on treating me the way you do
(you don't wanna do it, you don't wanna do it)

Aye yo Fox quick the peepee on niggaz that is freaky
Have them cats wining like Be-Be and Ce-Ce,
Ill Na Na
Pussy hot like a sauna, have yo dick doin' flips in my teddy by Gabanna

Cats be asking can they lick my hole now, feel free
Nigga eat me, treat me
Ya trick, pussy clit lickin'
No ass gettin' dick, first roles
Niggaz is my hoes, top my dough
Wanna lace me with some head after my show, being dat
I'm the nasty bitch that I am, make 'em lick my pearl tongue
And you got to give my girls some, fuck a man
Bitch got the world in her hand, just on spite
Niggaz got to fuck me right

Is this sexually liberated or is this just a young female a puppet in the rap world? Personally I love the song b/c of the chorus and it applies in my life right about now. You're not making me fuck somebody else but b/c I feel like I have no options or at least don't like the options presented to me I think I'll be stepping down from my pedastal and fukking my fuck buddy.
If you have an itch scratch it right? Why be self righteous.
No strings attached sex, you had it before why not again? Why do you think that you are above this? Why? Well for one accidents happen and being that I am not about having babies right now I guess I should abstain - be safe. I may seem paranoid but as a result of how I came into the world if I'm having sex with you you must be daddy material...just in case.


Well my fuck buddy is my fukk buddy because I have no feelings for him besides those of a sexual manner after all wouldn't emotions change the defined, uncomplicated dynamic of a fuck buddy-no strings attached sex? Yet he's not daddy material, yeah he's someone's daddy and someone else's husband (don't judge you don't have the details) but he's not for me, I only want his penis...is that so wrong, is that so unethical? I don't love you but fuck me, fuck me harder then please leave while I fall asleep. It's not that I don't love or care about guys its just that I care about few. This "fuck me and thats all" attitude has resurfaced at other times when my curiousity has gotten the best of me. One person I'll never have sex with again ______, I won't say I regret it b/c now I know, but the other _____ hmmmm definitely an encore.

I have sex with my fuck buddy on my schedule not his but I've had an attack of the conscience for the aforementioned reasons and his services haven't been needed for about 4-5 months roughly. The last time he did put it on me well but since I'm not mentally into him I mean he can only do it to me so well. Well I guess he thinks he is teaching me a lesson yea we talk regularly but the times when I could make him leave his home and 2AM to come fuck me when he has to get up at 6AM for work seem to be gone. Yesterday he asked if I miss him yet. I've proven my point - there is no way he "likes" me what he is sayin is, "have you learnt yet NOT TO TAKE ME FOR GRANTED". And the answer is no b/c if I were to act like a whore in heat, seemingly debase myself (with intent to do so), it would be the biggest ego massage and he would rush over here to "handle his business" and in my mind I would still be detached cuz it was all an act to get what I wanted. I've used it in different situations to the success of the technique....Yea sure you're in charge....(sic)

The fact remains I'm gonna fuck him because I want to, b/c I'm horny, b/c I feel lonely and not because I can't live without his dick. See it's purely physical but isn't our intellect what makes us above animals as humans. Am I regressing by continuing this interaction or am I just being a liberated female only concerned about "gettin mine" and satisfying my need for intimacy even if it is on borrowed time? Fukk women's lib making it hard for decent females to stick to morals, Damn morals for making me question, criticize and judge myself.
SMH - and I'm still undecided.
__________________________________________________
Tried to keep it tight for you...what a waste of time.

Ok so if we are to see each other we need to make plans. Did that ever occur to you Mr. Busy. Hmmm I guess you are waiting till carnival (roll eyes) Hmmm well I dont think that meeting then is gonna happen cuz I'm sure you will have plans and I am tryin to make plans so I'm not sitting around waiting to be disappointed by you again.

________________________________________________________

Separately
Hmm
Opportunity: check I'm 99% sure yall are gonna be in the same location
Motive: Check curiousity, Yep. Sex appeal, Yep. Aggressiveness, Yep. Its fun breaking out of the sister mold and shocking someone....forbidden fruit I tell ya. Always the sweetest fruit.

________________________________________________________

Hmmm my friend is in Kentucky for an entire week having fun with her new SO (potentially). I could have been having fun with you for a week but you are so difficult and unwelcoming you really don't act like you want me around. It could have been good, why is EVERYTHING a problem with you, nothing is ever gonna be perfect work with what yo..........................I'm over it --->> Moving ON

Yeah I know I'm gonna overdo this video ish for a while

Here is another vid this time by Fiona Apple - Not about love The version I will post is of her VH1 performance cuz her vid is really weird and I don't wanna bias you against the song.
PS the rest of her CD extraordinary Machine is soooo great. The beats are great it feels like there is music for about 3 songs in one song. That has an actual musical term - I'll look for it, but she uses the same device in Fast as You Can...If you never heard the whole song depending on where you listen from you would prob not realize its the same song.

Thank you for releasing me.
That was exactly what I needed to hear.
It was instinctively what was in the subconscious of my mind.

As they say where I'm from, "Any number can play now."

I could have been my like my friend notorious for asking inumerable follow up questions. Her nickname is 20 questions. (smile) but to me questions reveal the heart of me and what I am thinking and could make me seem insecure so I didn't ask all the questions I thought of.

Interesting, I hinted at that revalation before and the response was for you to act so repulsed by it...I knew right then, but it couldn't be substantiated so I left it alone. Yet again I felt like I was intruding but talked down my instinct thinking I was just being too sensitive.

Wow a $5000 mistake that I thought had to do with one person but I guess actually its 2 people. Hows about that it took me almost 2 years to realize.

From my experience forbidden fruit trumps a sure thing everytime and I am just way too permissable, so I see the reality in what once again you are hesitant to say ---> MOVING ON!

I know this is but a speck in the bloggin or webdesign world but I have a vid link in my page do you know how excited I am right now??????????????????/ :)

I really like this song Sia- Breathe me

The vid is nice I saw it on one of my weekend insomniac trysts. The vid is like a series of polaroids that have an animated effect, you know like when you draw cartoons in a book and flip the pages so it looks like its going frame by frame except that a whole normal video scene was composed and within the vid someone keeps on putting down a series of polariods taken in sequence. It looks like they taped it normal speed then edited using the ring effect that kind of stilted jumpy movements. This is one instance where the visuals didn't hinder only enhanced my appreciation of the song. Vid here http://youtube.com/watch?v=cXN_y3V4ohM&search=sia%20breathe%20me or

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needyWarm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold meI am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Yeah I know its a simple song. Yeah I know I'm weird

It's Not about Sex Either! - Here's some Ether

What is wrong with me? Anyone I care about is nowhere around me. Being in a relationship for 3+ years has reduced my independence and I've realized that I need to be loved. I need love I want to be loved by a guy...not the I love you over the phone love...the you're around me every day, you don't live in a different country or a different state that it costs too much for me to see you every other weekend....A love that it doesn't take a thought for you to think to call me - it comes naturally; that as many times as you think of me you decide to call me.
I have constantly put myself out there in showing you how much I care and again and again you don't make me feel like I am a priority...I feel like I'm #63 on your list of things to do when you are bored. I always answer my phone when you call...you don't; if I don't call you don't for 2 1/2 weeks, yeah I checked and it's true. You say that we've only discussed the visiting thing like 3 weeks now but since you cancelled in October I've been hoping every weekend that you would show up - my room is immaculate, my mood is great, my bank account is fat enough to treat you to dinner, movies, drinks whatever you need to enjoy your visit...and each weekend I am left with an empty feeling when you don't show up. I wrote an email asking you not to call unless you were calling with a date...you continued to call sans date and I continued to answer my phone. I really don't give a shit about your job and this may sound spoiled but I really don't If you wanted to be here you would be here already. I told you this and you said I was over reacting.
You must know by now that I really care about you, that I really like you. And to solve problems/conflicts your answer seems to be inaction, so no you didn't say you were coming then cancel but not doing or saying what you know you should is just as bad as saying a wrong or hurtful thing. You keep me out of the visitin decision loop and you totally messed up my opportunity to come visit you. Me making excuses for you says: Oh maybe he wants to be the guy and let me save my money since the flight is so expensive, Oh he's worried I won't have anything to do when he is at work and resent that (since after all its spring break).
SMH I chose to spend Spring Break with him. I thought about it 2 weeks b4 and checked tickets which were 200 but I was afraid of being rejected, I was afraid of hearing the weak, unwelcoming, feeling bullied by me YES. I didn't want that kind of yes I wanted a firm that's a great idea yes.
You don't know that I made an active decision to try to spend spring break with you. I guess that's what happens when you make someone your pRiority while you remain their option, option #63 to be exact. I contacted you about flights times etc no response even the night after work, no response so I figured if you weren't pressed to respond I wouldn't be pressed to book my ticket that costs 400+ because I would be flying today for tomorrow. I should have gone where I was loved, where I KNEW I would be loved and valued but hey it was too late - I gambled and lost.
Your behaviour makes me think you know I am attached to you and you don't want me to be attached to you. You don't mind the reprieve from the boredom yet you don't want the rabid attachment of someone miles away thinking of you, telepathically demanding that you call them, coddle them, baby them, love them....and you know what it's ok cuz It's not about love.....I'm sick of love.
And by how you have behaved you've still ensured the self fulfilling prophesy - I do think you are an insensitive asshole who is fully aware of what's wrong, aware of what's expected, aware of what is annoying and hurtful yet you do it anyway to teach me a lesson.
I haven't completely moved on from the lesson but I will.

I should have never listened to your encouragements to start a blog or even let you read mine. I think there is where you made me think you really cared. You wanted me to read your personal thoughts and I decided hey I guess you earned the privilege to read mine but sadly you hadn't. Now for the past almost year my brain has been laid on a cold slab for you to poke and prob through, study, get accustomed to, analyze and abuse....you know entirely too much about how I think but the greatest thing is probably that even I don't know me so you by reading all of this could also never know me.
Succinctly said : Fuck you and fuck off. Unless you are calling to say when, don't call; unless you are willing to be honest about how you feel, don't visit; unless you are willing to give explanations apologies, DON'T CALL ME.

Weekend Break up manual
1. delete the number then the email address
2. you are gonna think about him but imagine someone else instead of him
3. have sex it will make you much less tense
4. write especially if you have no friends to confide in
5. don't confront him he obviously doesn't see anything wrong with his behaviour so why put effort in to trying to get him to change
6. go to the movies by yourself and escape from 2 hours
7. do not drink
8. cook yourself something
9. never answer the phone if he calls let him use the worldwideweb if he needs to contact you
10. if you answer the phone by mistake (after all his number is deleted) don't bottle it in...curse if you need to tell him fuck off then hang up
11. do not get into another relationship
12. don't bother to flirt it just creates opportunities for fuckity
13. do shave your legs as often as needed and make yourself feel sexy and loved...treat yourself


**********************I'll amend the list as it is revealed to me.

Asshole
Inconsiderate
Uncaring
Timewaster
Bullshit artist
Dishonest
Boring
Untrustworthy
Not genuine
Pompus
Self absorbed
Self sufficient/-reliant
Indecisive
Liar
Conceited
Selfish
Insincere
Dispassionate

And no I'm not decribing myself.

Thank you Sue ; )

Ok so basically I stumbled over this show at about 2am sat night on Oxygen network. I'm sure you know about the grandma sexpert its just weird seeing someone so old talk so frankly and informatively about sex.
Anyway. A lot of people seem to think I'm impatient, but I don't think I am so just imagine how much worse my blowups could be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyways what I have realized is that the impatience at certain times results because I'm sexually frustrated. So, I'm usually sweet, patient, nurturing etc except at certain times of the month in my sex cycle when I just get too sexually frustrated. (Yes I am smiling as I am typing this bullshit....actually no I stand behind it coz it makes sense). To to all the people that received irate text messages and emails I was sexually frustrated. What did u think I was going to say I was sorry? --> Since I don't have PMS or period pains ever I guess this is my form of female sufferation.
So you can detect it and avoid me at those times here are some symptoms:
- I am going to be very mean to you even if you could help me with my sexual release.
- I may email or text you instead of calling and shouting because I'm not going to be interrupted while spewing my acid in an email
-People who I don't usually call get random, "how are you doing" calls
- I become even more of an insomniac
- I actually listen to R&B/slows
Not a long list but definitive. Deal with it! Oooh I meant ummmm...yea --> Moving on.

So I get obsessive, I can't function. It's not just that Sex is on My Mind (True song title from the Set it Off soundtrack) it's just that I can't do much else of what I'm supposed to do. Couple that with the fact that I am a HUGE procrastinator I end up doing nothing besides stay in bed, watch TV, and rotate my positions so that I don't get bed sores.

So why not just go out and get fucked you may ask? Well I try to only have sex with ppl I care about, so right now that's not possible cuz they're just too far away. So Sue comes on air and during the course of the show: general topics as well as caller questions reassure me that you're not a nasty girl if you touch your own body and please yourself, it's natural, do what feels good.
Sigh, I'm much less tense, my thoughts aren't multiplying and crowding my mind, so I can think now and realize that I was being a slave to my body. So when I feel it creeping up I know it that There's Something about Mary time and in order not to make bad or hasty decisions I need to take care of business.
This is hilarious. I never thought this would be the something new I learned today. SMH If anyone wants to contribute to the find beginner level sex toys for Taj just post the website link as a comment to this post. Thanks. :-)

crushes?

Hmmmm you wanted the lights low, while I was sitting in the chair you pulled yours up next to mine and mirrored my posture to the T using a stool as a leg rest, then you draped your jacket over the back on my chair while I was sitting in it and touched my shoulders........as we settled down to look at a video in the class that I am a Teaching Assistant for LOL. Yeah but I still wonder, were you flirting with me? Asking me to explain stuff to you repeatedly and starting conversations where there were none. Hmmmm. I wish Yasmin was in this class she is so astute with that stuff.

Off topic:
I found a wallet at the stairwell in school so I turned around to my classmates opened it checking for the school ID. I found it and asked them if they knew so and so. They answered no, so I was like ok I'll take it to the Department office. They suggest I look through it to find a number, but I think its pointless then they let out high pitch squeals.
"It is stacked .....its so thick I wonder how....................................... Go just carry it to the office. They are lucky you found it."
So I carry it to the office manager tell her the name where I found it. At the end of the day when I get home I use the schools email to search his name and send him an email telling him where it is, but at our school people never check their school email for months on end ...so I think its futile.
After the weekend my professor tells me Ms. Stotts (office manager) wants to see me. She says the guy left an enveloppe he was soooo thankful, I guess there was a lot of money in the wallet. So I got a $20 and a cute thank you note with his cell number, he wants to thank me verbally as well.
So Yasmin comes in the office while Ms Stotts tells the story and the first thing out her mouth is "Is he attractive?" in her hard southern drawl and rattles on to say that would be a cute story to tell my kids how me and their father met.......Isn't she crazy. Then going out sometimes after leaving somewhere she would say, "What's wrong with him?" Who? I reply. The guy that was checking you out etc etc....... I won't say she's crazy but she may see things that I just don't.

Back to the story:
No it isn't unethical if he is flirting I don't make up their tests or anything for the class, this time and everyone gets the same attention and information. And no he's not a lil undergraduate its a grad level course (open to all levels) and he is a grad student. And he is actually kinda cute okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk a euphemism he's hot and he's smart and all the girls in the class try to study with him, borrow stuff from him and talk to him. It's so high school but so cute. It's almost spring break, middle of the semester and I've just started realizing he could have been flirting with me b4 this week. Boy AM I THICK!

But it's aight I probably still won't do anything about it. Remember my Hi5 friend....Well a friend of mine much like Yasmin encouraged me to write him a message (despite the fact that he lives out of state). So I get a response back the next day with his number, a request for mine and if not that a request for me to call him and a pool game challenge. That was on Thursday last week and I have not replied since. Not a word. Why am I such a punk? SMH

Isn't it annoying when people customize their blogs so much that the "next blog" button disappears and they have a visitor counter on their blog. Steups.

Procrastination is the worst sin ever. Why did you have to choose this weekend to shake him off? You have a big Biostats exam to study for........

A Quote

You look in the mirror and you don't like what you see? Don't believe it!
Look into my eyes. They are the only mirror you need!
- Bernie in The Cooler

I am still waiting to find my mirror, but in the typical post 90s women's lib I guess I should be my own mirror. Not there yet but I'm working on my own rehab manual.

Reflections of the way ......

Would I have been taller, a smoker, had different hair or pretty brown eyes like yours if I was your daughter. You know I wanted to be yours and since I didn't know my real father I convinced myself that I was yours. It was a perfect match our personalities, likes and dislikes. Some of my favourite times were curled up on the couch with you watching our favorite movies Godfather trilogy Carlito's way and many other gangsta flicks.
I loved you , I really loved you. I wasn't even jealous of the attention that you showed mom because you had your own relationship with both of us and you made her soooo happy. I wasn't territorial b/c you had a way of showing love to us both that never made me feel excluded. I remember that summer we spent the entire summer with you. Was it a trial? Anyway that summer I became the best card player ever at 9. It was bliss learning from you and just being in your quiet presence. You were the first of my mom's boyfriends that I actually liked, and that didn't try to make our house your own.
I remember one day you picked me up from sign language class and took me to the park on the way home, a detour I begged for. I played to my heart's content and upon leaving I said ok this will be our secret. You knelt to my eye level and said "never keep secrets from your mom, she should be your best friend." My heart glowed that was exactly the right thing to say but I never listened since you've obviously never been around a frazzled, single mother when even the smallest infraction starts a World War. However, I noted your sincerity and genuine concern for our mother daughter relationship.
One summer I was sent away on vacation, but it was really so that mom could finish building the house and moving in peace and quiet without having to drop me to my friend's house, to dance, to the movies, or find 3 square meals a day for me even though she went hungry etc. I didn't mind, and when I came back an entirely new house, new everything but you were still there.

Then it was like one weekend you were there then you weren't and mommy was crying and angry and not answering the phone or picking it up and hanging it up. Through listening at doorways or sneakily picking up the phone I learned You cheated, yet I didn't care. I wanted her to take you back - Desperately. Nothing was ever said or explained to me. I had no idea if it was that you were really married, or had children with this woman, if my mom was your girlfriend and you cheated on mom or if my mom was the "outside chick". Whatever it was you were gone from my life in a swift blink of an eye and I have never recovered. So when I see people with your last name or see someone who looks like you in a crowd I wonder.....is he my daddy?


While my friends always attract nurturing take charge guys I always attract the ones that need help, that make me to take charge. I have had to be independent and adult for so much in my life that I wonder when is it gonna end. Because I have always had to be responsible I wonder when can I relax and why the things that I do that would be considered great achievements for other ppl just seem like not enough for me.

Yeah I have worked myself up into getting a headache. Everyday I am alone, everyday I walk alone.