Reflections of the way ......

Would I have been taller, a smoker, had different hair or pretty brown eyes like yours if I was your daughter. You know I wanted to be yours and since I didn't know my real father I convinced myself that I was yours. It was a perfect match our personalities, likes and dislikes. Some of my favourite times were curled up on the couch with you watching our favorite movies Godfather trilogy Carlito's way and many other gangsta flicks.
I loved you , I really loved you. I wasn't even jealous of the attention that you showed mom because you had your own relationship with both of us and you made her soooo happy. I wasn't territorial b/c you had a way of showing love to us both that never made me feel excluded. I remember that summer we spent the entire summer with you. Was it a trial? Anyway that summer I became the best card player ever at 9. It was bliss learning from you and just being in your quiet presence. You were the first of my mom's boyfriends that I actually liked, and that didn't try to make our house your own.
I remember one day you picked me up from sign language class and took me to the park on the way home, a detour I begged for. I played to my heart's content and upon leaving I said ok this will be our secret. You knelt to my eye level and said "never keep secrets from your mom, she should be your best friend." My heart glowed that was exactly the right thing to say but I never listened since you've obviously never been around a frazzled, single mother when even the smallest infraction starts a World War. However, I noted your sincerity and genuine concern for our mother daughter relationship.
One summer I was sent away on vacation, but it was really so that mom could finish building the house and moving in peace and quiet without having to drop me to my friend's house, to dance, to the movies, or find 3 square meals a day for me even though she went hungry etc. I didn't mind, and when I came back an entirely new house, new everything but you were still there.

Then it was like one weekend you were there then you weren't and mommy was crying and angry and not answering the phone or picking it up and hanging it up. Through listening at doorways or sneakily picking up the phone I learned You cheated, yet I didn't care. I wanted her to take you back - Desperately. Nothing was ever said or explained to me. I had no idea if it was that you were really married, or had children with this woman, if my mom was your girlfriend and you cheated on mom or if my mom was the "outside chick". Whatever it was you were gone from my life in a swift blink of an eye and I have never recovered. So when I see people with your last name or see someone who looks like you in a crowd I wonder.....is he my daddy?


While my friends always attract nurturing take charge guys I always attract the ones that need help, that make me to take charge. I have had to be independent and adult for so much in my life that I wonder when is it gonna end. Because I have always had to be responsible I wonder when can I relax and why the things that I do that would be considered great achievements for other ppl just seem like not enough for me.

Yeah I have worked myself up into getting a headache. Everyday I am alone, everyday I walk alone.