It's Not about Sex Either! - Here's some Ether

What is wrong with me? Anyone I care about is nowhere around me. Being in a relationship for 3+ years has reduced my independence and I've realized that I need to be loved. I need love I want to be loved by a guy...not the I love you over the phone love...the you're around me every day, you don't live in a different country or a different state that it costs too much for me to see you every other weekend....A love that it doesn't take a thought for you to think to call me - it comes naturally; that as many times as you think of me you decide to call me.
I have constantly put myself out there in showing you how much I care and again and again you don't make me feel like I am a priority...I feel like I'm #63 on your list of things to do when you are bored. I always answer my phone when you call...you don't; if I don't call you don't for 2 1/2 weeks, yeah I checked and it's true. You say that we've only discussed the visiting thing like 3 weeks now but since you cancelled in October I've been hoping every weekend that you would show up - my room is immaculate, my mood is great, my bank account is fat enough to treat you to dinner, movies, drinks whatever you need to enjoy your visit...and each weekend I am left with an empty feeling when you don't show up. I wrote an email asking you not to call unless you were calling with a date...you continued to call sans date and I continued to answer my phone. I really don't give a shit about your job and this may sound spoiled but I really don't If you wanted to be here you would be here already. I told you this and you said I was over reacting.
You must know by now that I really care about you, that I really like you. And to solve problems/conflicts your answer seems to be inaction, so no you didn't say you were coming then cancel but not doing or saying what you know you should is just as bad as saying a wrong or hurtful thing. You keep me out of the visitin decision loop and you totally messed up my opportunity to come visit you. Me making excuses for you says: Oh maybe he wants to be the guy and let me save my money since the flight is so expensive, Oh he's worried I won't have anything to do when he is at work and resent that (since after all its spring break).
SMH I chose to spend Spring Break with him. I thought about it 2 weeks b4 and checked tickets which were 200 but I was afraid of being rejected, I was afraid of hearing the weak, unwelcoming, feeling bullied by me YES. I didn't want that kind of yes I wanted a firm that's a great idea yes.
You don't know that I made an active decision to try to spend spring break with you. I guess that's what happens when you make someone your pRiority while you remain their option, option #63 to be exact. I contacted you about flights times etc no response even the night after work, no response so I figured if you weren't pressed to respond I wouldn't be pressed to book my ticket that costs 400+ because I would be flying today for tomorrow. I should have gone where I was loved, where I KNEW I would be loved and valued but hey it was too late - I gambled and lost.
Your behaviour makes me think you know I am attached to you and you don't want me to be attached to you. You don't mind the reprieve from the boredom yet you don't want the rabid attachment of someone miles away thinking of you, telepathically demanding that you call them, coddle them, baby them, love them....and you know what it's ok cuz It's not about love.....I'm sick of love.
And by how you have behaved you've still ensured the self fulfilling prophesy - I do think you are an insensitive asshole who is fully aware of what's wrong, aware of what's expected, aware of what is annoying and hurtful yet you do it anyway to teach me a lesson.
I haven't completely moved on from the lesson but I will.

I should have never listened to your encouragements to start a blog or even let you read mine. I think there is where you made me think you really cared. You wanted me to read your personal thoughts and I decided hey I guess you earned the privilege to read mine but sadly you hadn't. Now for the past almost year my brain has been laid on a cold slab for you to poke and prob through, study, get accustomed to, analyze and abuse....you know entirely too much about how I think but the greatest thing is probably that even I don't know me so you by reading all of this could also never know me.
Succinctly said : Fuck you and fuck off. Unless you are calling to say when, don't call; unless you are willing to be honest about how you feel, don't visit; unless you are willing to give explanations apologies, DON'T CALL ME.