The N word (chuckle) its not what you think ;)

Ok since I have poor impulse control this blog is gonna be a mish-mosh of topics....Ooops I just lied I have excellent impulse control.....That lying thing is a lingering bad habit.

Hmmm well irregardless of the dictionary meaning of Nirvana I'm gonna talk about my nirvana. Have you ever had those days when you're thinking about something and you just want to hold that moment and bookmark it for future reference? It may be the time you realize hey we are ex Boyfriend and girlfriend Lets move on....or that day you feel so self assured all your issues re: jobs, school, life purpose etc are gonna work out fine....or it may be that day that you use the outcome of one insignificant thing to be a portent of bigger things kinda like the he loves me, he-loves-me-not flower petal game.
Well I have these moments often, cuz I'm always trying to hold on to memories, especially things I am trying to learn from....the only problem is I always forget what these Nirvana moments are. Oh sure I remember where I was and even what song I was listening to but the resolution and the emotion of the time...Nada.
So I recently had a Nirvana moment. The reason I remember LOL only b/c it happened yesterday. So I'm lying in bed with someone I don't want to have sex with...probably someone I don't trust but not in a bad way because I don't trust anyone really cuz in life there is always a catch. And, as I'm laying in bed thinking of a good response to the question "Why don't you want to have sex with me?" I'm thinking this is so pointless I'm wasting my time and his and I need to be mature and just get a goddamn vibrator or something (note after the nirvana I vetoed that idea) Anyway I was thinking of all the ways my happiness seemed out of my control and got on a real Starting over tip.
I really like that show even though I can't stand self help books so I reason that I am going to be my own life coach.
Oh so that night an incident occurs and the person figures that I should be really mad at him. I dunno if its more his issues or mine. Me and that mouth of mine... a lil too honest when I should be circumspect (wc) [I'm gonna invent that and it means word choice if you are reading and something else makes sense or u can find a better vocab word by all means substitute I'm always correcting ppl in my head anyways] So fed up with the bullshit I actually say what I'm thinking so I say "I think I'm gonna have to lose your number" Now mind you my voice is not raised nor did I spit out those words vehemently. I simply stated a feeling. I'm a low maintenance chick yet somtimes he is constantly asks did I make you mad etc and I always rebutt and ask him if he's accustomed to females being mad at him or something. So then he says I bottle my feelings inside too much and if I'm mad I should just let him have it.
Now I am not shy about confrontations but getting mad....I've learnt that unless they really care you can't change someone's actions, and the effort spent to debunk that opinion is too time consuming. I' d rather adjust myself to suit. Not like I couldn't have seen the potential for fuckity (ie. a messed up situation - my own word) but hey I have the gift but I seldsom listen to my own predictions/advice.
So I resolve no more making new friends either from new people or redefining old relationships. I think to myself I need to be more like my cousin....be celibate AND stick to it. We are both weird chicks not weird in a witch kinda way more like in a way we analyze things way. And anyone that thinks I'm a handful she is all my weird annoying quirks by 10. Anyway while thinking I need to be more like her I realize ummmm she had already had her fun and maxed out her potential for the fucked up hybrid of sexual-emotional mishaps along with her marriage that she never told me about etc. The reason I never found out....I never asked thats classic Heather...How the hell I'm I to ask about a marriage I never knew existed (sigh but in her world that was a perfectly normal answer). Hmmm what was the topic again. Celibacy I guess not for anyone else but myself I'm trying to see if I'm really doing it for myself. My ex coworker one of the sweetest guys ever has been doing it and made it a year recently and I'm proud of him...He commends my efforts but complains that he will have no one to live vicariously through and I agree with him.
Back to whole self improvement thing the celebacy is a good call for now however I'm in the habit of being a repeat offender. There is some little statement about sin being the same each time it simply presents itself in a different form so we get confused and think that its something different when really it isn't. Kinda like at the end of Devil's Advocate when Keanu Reeves realizes for the duration of the movie he's been standing in the bathroom and the entire movie was his glimpse into the future and he immediately asks to be excused from being the guys lawyer.....In that glimpse into the future his pride and ambition destroy him. Of course the press goes wild at the fact that he refuses to defend is child molester client and there is a particular reporter that wants the scoop and exclusives and TV interviews and he bashfully approves right there the reporter breaks that 3rd wall (i think its 3rd) and winks at the camera. Sooooo easily he's got him again....
I'm like that with my mistakes. I play my position well then the next day fall into the lair I had so artfully dodged a week ago. All this to say succinctly "I need to get my ass/life in gear and DO ME! CUZ EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING THEM!"


Sometimes I feel like I need a more anonymous blog. I think I have shared the link with people who I don't care if they judge me or know things that someone I'm "closer to" should know. One person said its like he can see inside my head for the 1st time and despite knowing me for 12 odd years this is the first time that he really feels like he knows me and thats okay but weird. I guess I share it with people who I don't have to make happy or wonder if I'm talking about them or trying to "tell" them something. There are ppl I would luv to share this blog with just not everything that's on this page :(