Ok I fucked up....I never fuck up a lil bit always big. Never small or medium fuck up it's always GRANDE. Of course I'm not going to get into it here, c'mon now that's not my personality again. All I will say is God is good, sound weird coming from me right. I'm not an atheist, I'm a christian so I guess that makes me a practicing christian but am I religious?...I even question it myself.

I deny deny deny stuff but I will say here and now that I am spoilt. I must be spoilt (heather you were right) because I always find a way to derail myself, I always find a new low to have to drag myself from. Maybe I like feeling like the underdog or maybe I just don't care...all I know is that either of these options don't feel like the REAL me. Self-saboetage, self-fulfilling prophesy all of these things seem to be explanations for the stupid stuff I do in life.

Am I too demanding of myself...are my standards too high cuz worse decisions have been made by others...I mean there are career prostitutes and strippers, but at least they have issues that changed their mentality from a young age that caused them to make choices leading them to that point. Sigh.

I've never felt that anything in life I had that I earned...god blessed me with smarts if I had actually worked maybe I could have had a 1600 in SATs that's how I think...1360 is pitiful...but that's getting caught up in the numbers game but oddly enough that's the bulk of what is used to judge ppl in this world. It's never intrinsic worth, it's always some standardized number.

Grades, scholarships, jobs etc I always have the feeling of being lucky to have these accomplishments or God blessed me with basic smarts and me really applying myself and working hard could ONLY result in a Rhodes scholarship or some ridiculously high pinnacle of achievement. I guess what I'm saying in a nutshell is that I feel....average.

I'm a very weird person. Very feely feely though not outwardly to others....very sensitive without ever wanting to admit it. I just wanna be babied a lil bit. I just want someone else to be in charge of me for a while...

Maybe I'm spoilt because I feel that rules don't apply to me that I can work my way around stuff, do as I feel. That's arrogant, that's messedup. Whatever it is I need to learn to just do what I'm supposed to when I'm supposed to - not when I feel like getting around to it. Sigh

Nobody's fault but mine
Nobody's fault but mine
Tryin' raise my soul to the light
Nobody's fault but mine

Thank you Nina Simone