Gosh I think my life is a little ridiculous, either that or the smallest things surprise me or I'm surprised they happen to me.
Hmmmm well he told me "I can make you proud to be a woman if you choose to be with me". What!?! see what I mean about only the freaks approaching me only this guy is a well educated freak a colleague. He looks and seems older. He says that he has been observing me and he has liked my manner for a while its just that he doesn't like to make snap decisions. So apparently he's thought about this a lot, in his words he wants to, "hook up with me". Now I am not biased but I am kinda prejudiced against african guys. Also was the essense of his 1st statement lost in translation? What is that supposed to mean that he is going to pamper me? Empower me? Help me discover myself or give me mindblowing sex?
I have noo desire to be with this guy. Why? I simply can't even see myself kissing him so the debate begins and ends there. Now where the problem lies is that I'm an Aquarian and one of 2 extremes very blunt or an uncharacteristically docile yes-woman. So I'm not trying to be rude since I have to see this person everyday anyway, but I need some tips. All things must come to an end but my friends have the knack for prolonging the inevitable all the while being taken to dinner and having most of their non physical needs met. Go figure. In come cases it ends badly but they never kissed them or eanything else and the caveat is there "I never saidd we were getting together , I said you could get to know me". I dont like to waste my time. I would not hang out at his place far fron anywhere I know. I dunno maybe I'm just paranoid but I feel victimized very easily. I'm especially wary of anyone I have to hide from my friends.....You know when you're alonewith someone and you tell them "Hey if I kill you right now noone would be the wiser," that chill you feel when you realize its the truth is how I feel when I'm chiling with someone I'm not attracted to and not comfortable being around.
I mean this is probably the 2nd time I've had more than a 5 minute conversation and he's saying he wants to be with me and been watching me for a while. After my lesbian experience (a friend became interested me and for longer than I appreciated attempted for us to develop "something more") I am so distrusting..... He's been noticing me- to me thats a red flag not a compliment and no I'm not going to change my mind about that. How is this relationship going to enrich my life cuz I sure as hell know I can't do anything for him besides sex. I'm not dumb I'm a nice girl but I don't think my company adds up to that much for him to seek me out.

If you're one of those people that hate to hear people talk about how annoying it is when guys approach them yet complain that they cant find the right guy then hate me. Its okay I've had a lot of practice...actually no most people like me...Actually here is a question: how many people are there that you wished you had never known?


A friend has told me that I like "the experiment" that I am curious. I am glad for the learning experiences that I have had but since I am slow to understand the lesson of the incident and take things at a case by case basis its inevitable that I make repeat mistakes on the same learning pt. So with all that said I would erase about 2-3 people from my life. One person because I lost a lot of money and I'm sure if I thought for 1/2 a second longer I would make a different decision. Another person because he's the one that says he loves you and you really want to believe it, but deep down you figure he doesn't its a possessive kinda love, its the Big WHAT IF kinda love where if a whole lot of variables were different you could/maybe/kinda still be compatible and wrk out - yet that person has been down for you since day one and would sacrifice limbs for you and you know that and they don't care if you actually reciprocate. Yeah its that deep and freakish. I think my best days were spent with him -meaning the days where I was best in my life...not because of our relationship but because of me. I've lost the art of conversation or the people I talk to are dumb. Its been a while I have had a conversation not me complaining or bitching about the crazy shit that happens in my life just an exchange of opinions.

I think I need relationship rehab really badly. I was in a long term relationship that ended suddenly for no reason other than distance. Soon after that I met someone and my body was in it but not my mind...great huh especially since I was not even looking for a relationship. But then somewhere along the way I think I started to like him...you know what I think I more started to appreciate him, I started to feel like he cared.

OFF TOPIC around that time I also realized that girls don't "catch feelings" we have them from the start. When we decide to sleep with someone we already like them and are hoping that the physicality matches the emotional click.

Anyway I think I am mad at him because I didn't start liking him till he said he liked me. I didn't venture in that realm of the emotional b/c he was gonna be moving soon, same story as my ex. Then he likes me then he's like you should move here...and if you did I don't think we would ever break up. However, he can't even make time to visit me, hardly calls or is available when I call, yet he talks about the great sex we had and listens when I have problems. Its a weird mixed signal melange. I get over people most times because that extra interest isnt there. I'll be your friend for life but Significant Other relationships come very slowly for me b/c I've decided that I like you. Woe is me I thik I need a style network show to tutor me on how to get over someone...pathetically someone I've never been with.

So thats my three. I won't erase the guy (I'll just think of one or just give the 3 one face one incident that makes it easier to deal with and file away) that almost molested me because I think its important that children knows depravity is out there it makes them all the more grateful when they are spared and left untouched. It also intruduces you to the psyche of the human and after that nothing in life should ever disappoint you. Well that hasn't happened to me the various incantations of how someone could violate you simply increased. It seems for me the more and the sooner I say I'm over a bad experience the more the next incident ravages me like a maelstrom.

Aight Traffic is on and I'm a sucker for a movie so I am gone and dreading calls at the bootcall hour AS IFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!! {The immortal words of Cher in the movie Clueless}
- Ciao