I have no idea what to name this

Ok so he is gone again miles and miles , thousands of miles away so far that he has connnecting flights, so far that there is a time difference between us even though we are in the same country, so far that it takes 300+ to fix the problem of distance perfunctarily.

So I starved myself the entire day. He said he would stop by on his way to the airport, after 1PM but he wasn't sure exactly when. The flight leaves at 6PM. So I was holding out waiting on him so that I could take lunch whenever he was going to pass by. You know I am so stupid 3PM then 3:30 came and I was still holding out hope.

So for me its all about what you do. HOw come you can come over at 2am to have sex but can't pass by to say goodbye or can't even call to say you can't make it.

I know he doesn't like goodbyes but sometimes it's not all about you, and I'm paranoid now because if your words and actions don't match up something is wrong. Besides that it sounds like the excuse a girl makes when she is really into someone but they are still lukewarm or cold even. "Oh he just doesn't like goodbyes" {insert eyeroll}

So I 'm sure I heard you say I love you but you can't pass by and say goodbye? Or even call and offer a reason why you can't see me before you leave.
Maybe you regret saying it, maybe you did mean to say I love your pussy or I love it when you suck my dick and you just got carried away and actually said I love...then grunted and I took that grunt for the word "you".

So I'm pissed about that and I 'm pissed because whatever excuse he offers: whether we miscommunicated or he was pressed for time etc i will take it, forgive him and still want him.

Until this happened earlier I was thinking that I just needed to ask him point blank..."What will it take for us to work?" What would I have to do?
Would me moving solve it?

Because that's how I feel at this stage I want no more of holding on to feelings that I can't express or I'm afraid to express.
I just want this to be done with...can we be in a relationship? How feasible is it? How would we make it work?
If the answers are: No, not very, not at all then just release me.
Release me to move on cuz having love with no outlet is torture, because having love without knowing how someone truly feels about you is torture, b/c not being confident about how someone feels about you is distressing.

It's not about sex...I know I'm drawn to you, I know I really like you, I feel like I love you but I love myself more. And my love for you depends on how you treat me. If you constantly make me feel like I went to work naked and everyone is staring then that doesn't encourage me to relax about my feelings and embrace them.
Maybe that's what you want? Maybe you can sense my emotions and just want me to have zero expectations.

I really didn't think 4 days would bring me back to this point of constantly thinking about you, but it did.

Time to find a distraction.

The Anatomy of I love you

Ok so this blog is going to be sort of backwards because when I felt all of these things I couldn't write because I had no time; and subsequent to that new events happened to change my perception of what I thought before. However I will try to provide an unedited version (sans 20/20 hindsight) of what I thought before.
Sufficiently confused?
Ok let's proceed.

So I am walking home from work on Wednesday thinking of how heartless I am and lamenting that I can never feel in love with someone.
Recently I have been having the bomb ass, tell your friends, quiver in your spine, female ejaculation type, instantly wet when you even know he's coming over sex and orgasms.
Now mind you an entire year before I felt like I loved this person, but fastforward a year (to now) without seeing him and basically pinning for him and he shows up with his excellent dick and it's back to how it was....well kind of, let me explain.

Now the sex was great but it didn't have the same rush for me. The same rush that would have me tell him during sex, "...anything you want just tell me I'll do it....what can I do better?....what do you want me to do?
Actually I still did say that but I can't explain it was still different from a year ago.
The reason why it was different was because I was trying to be emotionally unattached. I didn't want by having sex with him to get back in that emotional place of loving him again.
So if our sex was typically a 20 on a 10 point scale then the sex rating drops to 15 without the "emotional stuff"....see and yes on its own the sex is still that good.

I don't like to be played around with and made to wait.
I think I am reason enough to be visited and be the sole reason for that visit.
He said he didn't agree, he wouldn't visit where I live for just me, that there would be multiple reasons for the trip.
So in that entire year wait thing, I got accustomed to not calling him every week, trying not to just update him on every event in my life. I deleted his number from my phone and only would have it for as many entries as my incoming calls would hold (meaning if he called me I had his number).

In my opinion I made it clear that I cared about him a lot but he doesn't really see that I gave him the knowledge that the like was so deep. So for this past yr I was a little disappointed about us location/distance between us.
Also I don't know what I expected to happen because love doesn't change much.

And I think the worst was actually telling him that I loved him a year ago.
Now I would not have said a word, but while we were having sex he made me look in his eyes and he asked me how I felt about him... I was panicked, so far it was all about us clicking well sexually and having a good enough interaction that even when not having sex we still enjoyed each others company.
He asked, Taj how do you feel about me? and our faces are millimeters away and he is looking right in my eyes.

Time is going by, he is waiting for a response and my mind is racing: why did he ask me that? I've already told him that I like him and I care (= I love you), but do I really tell him that, isn't that a boy/girl dating no no?
So I swallow really hard and just say it...I love you and I said it more than once.
After that I tried to bring it up but it seems like being so caught up in sex he didn't even remember what I described above.

So I'm walking home knowing the sex is different because of the mistrust (the I love you incident plus the fact that living out of state he wouldn't come to my state just to visit me). I distrust handing my heart over to him to get it stomped on.
For me to fully enjoy myself in sex my heart has to be in it and since my heart was effectively put on pause a year ago the 20pts sex was out the window.

So he is in town and I'm having sex with him and on the walk home I'm trying to decide whether I probably am still in love with him but trying to ignore it to protect my heart and just come to the conclusion that it's good sex nothing more and way less.
So I come to the conclusion that I love him differently, I'm not constantly thinking about him like before - I'm not infatuated anymore and I'm willing not to fall back into the infatuation just because we are having sex and spend time together for 4 days.

Ok so that's the end of what I would have written and that's how I felt on Thursday evening.

Ok so now on Thursday night we are together again and since I'm writing this on Sunday I am doubting myself.
So we talk during sex ....Fuck me, oh you are so hard, fuck me harder, nibble on it, grab, squeeze, suck, oooh it feels so good, hmmmm I love your dick, I love how you feel, It's all yours this is your dick etc

So when I hear the phrase I love... I'm thinking he's gonna finish and say pussy. I love your pussy.
But then I think he says: I love you, I love you and I'm just doubting myself. And he is looking at me again straight in my eyes less than an inch from my face and he is holding my face and I can't look away.
Then he puts a stroke inside me and my pussy flutters, he puts another stroke inside me and my mind just gets lost. Then he says it again, "I love you" and we kiss. And my first instinct is to look away to avoid his eyes because I don't want to say it, I don't want to open up, but I can't look away, but I know that I do still love him, so again I tell him that.
I love you.

So we both love each other now, but I'm not 5 years old anymore. Sometimes love isn't enough to make stuff work so who knows what is gonna happen now?

BTW of course now I am second guessing what I heard.
Kinda like the power of suggestion like maybe I wanted to hear him say I love you and maybe he was saying something totally different.
I swear he said it more than once but now I'm thinking he never said it that I was mistaken.
Sigh I'm pretty sure he did but....
I guess that's why he didn't want to visit and just see me, he wasn't sure if it was worth it since he wasn't sure if he liked me that much.

One thing I know for sure he's definitely not going to discuss it.

Unfinished

Ok so as a concentration break at work I guess I came up with this random lil thing. I was supposed to finish it but guess what it has been 2 weeks. Yeah I want somewhere permanent for it and I know I would either lose or throw away that sticky I wrote it on.

I run through the days focussed singlemindedly on the day that I will see you heedless of the wasted days in between.
What an existance!
When will I wake up?

It's weird

It's weird today I missed my ex
Now I probably miss him everyday except now it's sort of like an underground underlying ache it might as well not exist. some hurt/ache is there but it is not at the forefront of my mind. This dull ache is way different from the acute JP pangs I had today.

I came home and missed the familiarity of someone... of not arguing over the remote control cuz he was happy watching what I wanna watch unless basketball was on. The enjoyment of having someone to cook with of having someone to fall asleep next to.
Just last night I had to call a friend to have random conversation with till I felt tired enough so that as soon as I landed on that pillow I would fall asleep.

That reminds me you know what I am going to call that guy tomorrow. I swear I am, I promise that I am.

Maybe it's the alcohol that has me in such a refective mood. I must say my cousin makes a meannnnn cosmopolitan. Yummm. Oh today was my lil cousin's 8th grade graduation and boy was she excited. It was a nice evening ending with us eating a lot and us sipping on cosmos. Maybe it was her asking about Us or the realization that besides him and I they have no other concept of me in a relationship. I dunno

BTW isn't it weird some of the stuff a cut buddy will do for you....stuff even your "friends" may not do? Of course their motivation is different but its nice when ppl don't treat you like chopped liver if you are not having sex with them.

Oh and another thing my ex lesbian crush person...it is sooo disheartening when thats the only person willing to do stuff with you. I don't play tennis cuz I don't have a partner mind you she called saying she wants to play, going to the movies she always asks if I have seen xyz and I say no then go by myself.
It's sad when you don't trust the person who wants to spend the most time around you doing the stuff that you want to do. Worse that this person is willing to be there when your "friends" are busy with life.

Thinking a little today I've realized that I've chosen a lot to be lucky in love or happy emotionally rather than achieving personal goals and that scares me...when did I become "that girl". That kind of girl that right now would rather be happily married (maybe) with someone she loves rather than stand alone striving for the 90s woman ideal with 60 work weeks all for the desire to be "independent" and liberated and whatever else convinces them that they are happy.

I think I am scared to verbalize stuff for the fear that it never comes to pass.

Well that is changing: I've known this for a long time.....I WANT BETTER
But this is the first time I've said it, now I need to start planning.

He is my son too.

I'm trying not to sound like I'm crying lest my mom never tell me about anything thats going on at home. I mean since freshman year all I would wanna do on the phone calls is shoot the breeze and keep in touch with what is going on at home, you know the normal stuff: the random little girl secrets your cousin will tell you, some outrageous reasoning your lil cuz had, who was sick, who had a new girlfriend etc...I've never had these convos with mom...

So I'm crying as I ask, "Mom does he know what they do to kids on the street? Does he know what they do to little boys." Even though he is 15 thats how I see him as a little boy as someone who could be my son, after all I raised him part time every evening after school...when older ppl tell you I changed your diaper, for me that was not a one-time event it was Mon-Fri from 4-8PM my bedtime. I changed and played with you while your mom caught up on the laundry or took a nap, or a shower, cooked dinner, washed her hair or just got a chance to sit.
And I love you dearly and for the last 6 years since I left for school it's like your big cousin has just dropped off the face of the earth. The annoying big cousin who demanded a hug and peck on the cheek, the big cousin who would ask what YOU wanted for xmas instead of buying some crap, the big cousin who would take you to the movies and endure sitting in the very front row cuz you thought that was the best seat in the house, lol then we would have KFC after and even though I love your brother and sister the same yet differently you must know that you were my favorite. You were the first with your long Sampson-like ponytail and cherub cheeks, an Aquarian like me and sensitive oh so sensitive and oh how you longed to be just like Daddy and seek his approval...Too bad too late he realized that to be the disciplinarian he didn't have to shout. I know you tried to be a brave boy but when you are 6 and acting up and someone that is 6' 3" bellows at you all you wanna do is run and hide, all you wanna do is bite your fingernails to take away from the nervousness.
As much as I tried to explain to you that he loves you, as much as I tried to let you into the secret that neither of your parents are much of a disciplinarian it just fell on your dad's shoulder's since he is more imposing... you could never believe me that he is the Teddy Bear I espoused him to be.

I'm not blaming your dad totally cuz your mom left some gaps in there too but you know what I am blaming your dad because I feel just as abandonned as you. How DARE he cheat on your mom...
HOW DARE HE JUST MOVE OUT LIKE THAT AND LIVE SOMEWHERE ELSE
HOW DARE HE ABANDON HIS FAMILY LIKE HE NEVER HAD ONE ACTING AS IF BEING IN TOUCH BY CELL PHONES HE PROVIDES IS THE SAME AS COMING HOME SEEING HIM EVERY MORNING AND NIGHT
HOW DARE HE LEAVE THE HOUSEHOLD WITHOUT A CAR TRANSPORT

HOW CAN YOU BE MARRIED NOT DO ANY PROCEDINGS FOR A SEPARATION AND LIVE WITH AND FUCK ANOTHER WOMAN.

YOU HAVE 3 KIDS AND A WIFE

HOW CAN YOU NOT CARE BECAUSE IF YOU CARED YOU WOULD HAVE STAYED
IF YOU CARED YOU WOULD NOT HAVE DONE IT LIKE THIS.

No one even told me this... I mean my ex tried to tell me but because I knew my uncle...I said you're mistaken, things get taken out of context...even if he flirts with her (your mom) she is married too she wouldnt entertain anything remotely like that.
Well how wrong was I.
Your mom left your stepdad and is now with my uncle and somehow I think both parties are still married with no thought of divorce procedings.

I guess you see Yasmin as some bitch that took your dad away but I've known her for years and loved her.
This situation is so fucked up.

Was it while all this was snowballing you decided that you were fat.
I never remember what I blog so maybe I spoke about this before but if not here it is.
You had your baby fat you hadn't even hit puberty yet, you were up to my chest barely and now your head is inches above mine...could you have given yourself a chance to grow?

No you made the leap to high school and was so out of depth. Dad's van that you thought was so cool when you were young you realized was just a bread van...cuz he is a baker, you didn't have a Sega or Nikes or any other of the brand name stuff ppl had, you didn't look poor you just weren't blinging, worse yet your cousin (older by 2 years) who you were friends with ever since was blinging in the popular crew at school and ignoring you.

What's a boy to do? Re-evaluate himself and see what he needed to change to gain friends because noone was there to tell you it will get better, that kids your age are superficial and that things like these would actually help you to make REAL friends not the "good time friends".

So you decided that you were fat that you had a belly which you did, but with the years I had on you I knew that there would be that summer that you would just shoot up and blossom throwing off that little bit.
But no you devised your own solution and started pinning your vest to the inside of your pants to give the idea of a flat not bulging front and belted your waist so tightly....(sigh) and belted your waist so tightly you cut yourself and doing this continually for an entire school year that cut healed eventually as a huge piece of growing flesh about six inches long and so thick. The cut pained you and you walked differently because of it but you still continued to do it b/c you were insecure about yourself because so much was going on in your home environment that you could not control. It was only because of that cut and the pain it caused that your dad noticed you wincing at certain times...holding things differently, being awkward when you lifted stuff.

And now you walk around bare backed unabashed with that reminder and I never asked you how you got it but it was your dad that told me about it...
I know you don't know that. So if he was somewhat at home then and it took him an entire year to realize what you were doing to yourself what about now when he is around less because he is tending to two households?

So after he stopped you from doing that was that when you decided you needed an overhaul thats when you decided to go on your shake diet and lose about 50 pounds. I almost didn't recognize you, the deep base the scraggles of chin hair, and the height.....you lost 50pounds and that's when nature decided you would have your growth spurt leading to an unnatural gaunt looking appearance. In my class in high school some guys did have that appearance but that was actually puberty, yours was produced by a confluence of experimentation that had me worried when I saw you but of course I couldn't criticize I had to say you looked great ... great as you are and that continuing the diet would make you look bad...that what you needed to do was probably eat more and lift weights to get buff...no cardio...I don't know what I was saying but anything to get him to stop his weight loss regime and eat food. I swear if he were as dedicated to studying as he was to losing his weight that singlemindedness would make him a dangerous force to be reckoned with.

So I left at xmas knowing everything was turning to shit but thinking hey its already there how much worse can it get.
And then you tried to run away getting on a boat to go somewhere with your cell phone but with no idea how to get to help?

TWICE!!!!!!

Do you know what they do to kids on the street?
Did you think about it?
Do you think that's what you are worth?
How did I go wrong? I feel like I failed you. How can you not see that you are a King in my eyes and worth so much more than that.

Now you have to see a psychologist. I saw one briefly when I was young and having Daddy issues I stopped because I never felt comfortable opening up and crying so I faked it and asked that it be discontinued and till this day I don't know if it helped me keep my sanity or just delay something...who knows what it is.

And now you are set back in life because you have gotten permission because of undue home stress you don't have to do your CXCs how ridiculous is that?
How did the family even engineer that. I know that they can't force you but you are not focussed and getting away with it once does that mean you will try again next year...and the way our society is having no passes relegates you to being a street cleaner, mixtape seller, natural oils and rasta hats seller along the street passing your days in seamless monotony.
At least they have a plan saving towards something, using it as a first step to something else. However, I can see you being comfortable there OR doing what your father did taking the family responsibility of the bakery and sacrificing your dreams.
Do you have dreams?
Are you afraid of wanting better for yourself?

Your grandfather died young from a heart attack and even though your dad was the second oldest (having an older brother) he stepped up to the plate managing the business and taking over while his younger sister sought her fortune in America and has a PhD and is now living in Italy with her son and Jamaican husband yet while when she was 18-25 living fast in NY running up all sorts of bills with the easily gained credit cards it was between your dad and your mom that constantly sent money for her to "be young" and discover herself.

Don't even let me talk about your uncle. I can't even come down on him...every one loves him but he's just selfish that's his personality it's a joke and doesn't stress anyone out cuz "that's how he is". He is the oldest but your Dad put in the work and made the life sacrifice. Maybe that's why your Dad feels no guilt now doing and being where he feels happy.

Where are you going?
I love you but where is your life going?
This just make me put more pressure to ask myself these questions and have answers because they are not helping you.
Because it is my duty and because I love you and want to help you.

Don't think that I don't care about your brother and sister but Cheneyse is playing the mommy game, spying on your dad and working both over to get material things so I don't think she is even focussing on hurt or abandonment, I think she is in the Goodfellas mode ie "FUCK YOU PAY ME".... and to her credit its working. Money to buy clothes, a post paid cell phone etc, no curfew, "friends" passing by the house to check her, and free reign to gossip about "big people business" not appropriate for a 13 year old to be up front and center in her parent's domestic business.

Then there is David, the little lion, he is the youngest and knows what is going on but he is so unaffected. Even when yall were young things that would make you self concious didn't bother him...he just is so certain of his being and his personality. He makes friends easily is a leader and has always been sure of himself at a young age and strangely enough has never seemed intimitated by you as an older brother. So David is the little lion always with his red, gold and green lion chain, putting fake earrings in his left ear, charming girls old and young alike (he really is a cutie) and basically has his own thing going on, the fact that daddy isn't there is a non issue to him. If he needs something he'll just call him up and leave a message. Seemingly unaffected I guess with time we will see.

So, in a nutshell thats what made me cry this morning.
I just feel like if I was there things could be NO things would be different.
I can't make my uncle stay with his wife, but I could definitely be an extra pair of eyes, an extra pair of younger ears willing to listen when you want to say stuff that you are not sure who its safe to say it to or how to express it.
Where are you going, what is going to be your life?
You are still young, it's not too late to begin to carve your path!

***POST EDIT
The only saving grace is his girlfriend. During xmas I went with him to the jewlrey store to pick out the gift with money he saved. And no he didn't get played he got a shiny thingy of equal value from her. I was glad when I saw that, it showed that he wasn't being used. He sees her all the time. She like him works in her father's business, a pharmacy, all along the same street. So as he walks to go work in the bakery he stops by and hangs out a little bit. I tease him about her, I ask him if he doesn't like girls with butt, cuz she is indian LOL. She seems to be good for him if through all this turmoil they are still together. I hope she gives him good advice, I know she can't make him not run away but I hope she's doing her part...some sort of stability in his life. I hope her parent won't interfere in their relationship whether racially motivated or because they see the relationship as toxic.

It's weird how everything could be falling apart in your life, but if you have love it makes it just a little more bearable.

Ok so I have a job now and I was catching up on bloglife over the weekend while watching some good tennis. Those Parisians are wild thats the first time I've ever seen the crowd do a wave at a tennis event.
Anyway I am checking the counter stats and checking the referrers ie. where the ghosts that visit this page come from...cuz they sure as hell don't post. Personally I think the numbers come from people clicking the next blog button.
So one of the visitors did a blogger search : "he cums too quick"
Ridiculous right
So I click on it and 2 blogs come up with the exact phrase because of the quotation marks.
Ridiculous that someone searches for that exact phrase I mean why would anyone want to search for that....far less for there to be ONLY two blogs with that phrase...I mean this is blog land is my blog so R rated I expected there to be wayyyyyyyy more than 2 results even with the quotation marks.

I'm laughing my ass off but I am also confused. Did they really wanna find that or were they searching for my blog...yeah I know that conceited paranoia thing again....but this is just bizarre.

the Summer Anthem

Read dese lyrics here, his swagger is soo sexy I luv an aggressive guy:
T.I. - Why you wanna

[Chorus]Go and tell a nigga no, wit a ass so fat
Hey why you wanna go and do that love, huh
Hey-Hey why you wanna go and do that, do that
Hey-Hey why you wanna go and do that-that-that
In a relationship been faithful to a nigga so whack
Hey why you wanna go and do that love, huh
Hey-Hey why you wanna go and do that, do that
Hey-Hey why you wanna go and do that-that-that..aye-aye

[T.I.]
Can't help but notice how you glowing, I can see in yo face
Now I just wonder if he know he close to being replaced
Swear I treat you like a queen you put me in his place
So you can give back his ring and the key to his place
Tell the nigga one thing that you need yo space
Selling niggaz is one thing you don't need to chase
I wanna kiss you everywhere between yo knees and waist
Hear the sounds that you makin, get yo knees to shake
Holla at me in the A, you feel you need to escape
I gotta mansion and a gate, you wit me you safe
A Benz, a Phantom and a truck wit 23's the case
600 Gz in the safe, how much cheese it take?
This a chance you need to take, ain't no need to wait
Say the word we can leave today, this song's special
And it feel like faith, make a mistake
How the same thing making you sad I'm making you stay

[Chorus][T.I.]
I can't touch you like that, and make you make you feel likethis
Holla if you came back and it's still like this
Do he hit it from the back and make you feel it yo chest
Take advantage of what your concealing in yo dress
What, he think he too fresh to show that you the best
Compliment you on your intellect and treat you wit respect
Give you sex till you sweat, tongue kissing on yo neck
It's been awhile since she got it like this I bet
I can tell you ain't just another bitch I met
Ain't nobody got me open like this, not yet
You confused ain't decided which way you should go yet
So how you keep sayin no with yo panties so wet

[Chorus][T.I.]
This nigga playing mind games man
I think the time came, that you mind changed you understand
Life is like a chess move, you need to make yo next move
Yo best move, keep it pimpin' you understand...hey
I mean you know what I'm sayin I don showed you how I feel
You know what I'm sayin, I put myself all the way out there youknow
The ball in yo court man, but I just got a question for you...
Is you happy??

Dis is ma summer jam
Usually I agree wit d whole "doan trouble trouble unless trouble trouble you"BUT I am soooooooooooo ready for my summer fling...
Still waiting

So I posted the above on a forum I frequent on Wednesday and today look at what happened.
So today I am walking home and I get a holla from a jeep. Now this is quite a feat as I am blasting my ipod mini as usual...I thought he was hollering but he was so insistent I thought maybe its directions he needs so I take out my earphones.

Him: I wanna know if I can talk to you
Me: Go ahead
Him: I'd like to get to know you, can I talk to you?
Well since earlier this week I've been telling myself I'm ready for a summer fling so I figure I need to be a lil more open. So I oblige and he pulls over.
So I get straight to the point.

Me: So you were just driving in this area and decided to stop me?
Him: Well I just came from a friends place and saw you walking by yourself and wanted to talk to you
Me: How long were you trying to get my attention
Him: Since you were on the other street before you turned the corner. So where are you going?
Me: Home
Him: Near here, do you want a ride?
Me: Laugh) are you serious? I don't want you to know where I live, I don't know you.
Me: Oh.... So what made you want to talk to me?
Him: You are attractive and I just thought it would be nice to get to know you.
Me: What are you about?
Him: What do you mean?
Me: Do you work, are you in school, what are your goals? Stuff like that. I'm not usually so abrupt, but why would it be worth my while to talk to you?
Him: I work..what about you? You go to ________
Me: yeah I'm in school
Him: What are you studying?
Me: ______
Him: how old are you?
Me: You answer first lemme see if you are in my age range
Him: ___________
Me: Ok I'm _____ too
Him: perfect match
Me: so what really made you stop?
Him: You looked like you were coming from school I like that it shows that you have goals
Me: so you like girls with backpacks? ...alluding to the Beenie Man song implying that he just likes young/jailbait girls (mind you I have a kinda Puma hobo bag not a backpack in anycase I think the reference was lost on him)
No: You just look like you were coming from classes etc.
Me: well actually school is closed its summer time (lol I am so rude)
Me: ok well I need to get home give me your # I'll call you
I take the number
Me: So your wife won't mind me calling you
He laughs
Him: I'm young , I have no wife, girlfriend etc
Me: ...and your kids won't mind some new girl intruding on their daddy time?
he laughs again
Me: I mean can you blame me...this looks a little mini-van-ish
Him: I have no kids in this country or elsewhere what about you do you have any kids.
Me: no
Him: so when can I expect your call
Me: well not tonight I'm hanging out tonight
Him: With your girlfriends
I take a calculated pause (playing games)
Me: ummm yeah my girlfriends
Oh ummm whats ur name?
Him: _______
Me: Is that your real name or your "american name"
his eyes widen
Him: oh you know the deal thats funny but yeah thats my real name everyone knows me as ____
Ok so whats your name?
Me: Taj :)
aight bye I will call. I am so surprised he tolerated my attitude probing questions, and assumptions he didn't stall on any of the other questions I asked him like How long he thinks it would take for him to get to fuck me....LOL that took him by surprise...but I am blunt when I dont care...I mean you are tryna pick me up offa the street...what are your expectations...

And because I am suspicious as hell even though I am 1/2 a block away from home I divert my route to the cornerstore and buy some stuff I had no intention of buying just to be safe.
who knows if I'll call. I sure as hell don't but I wanna go on a date. I wanna be treated nice. I wanna be listened to...I know you listen (blog) I have to think up a cute name for my blog...Hmmm maybe Willie as in Wilhelmina my almost real name.
Ok so back to the story I probably will call him as for lack of options besides if I dont then everyone will remain a stranger...I mean before my friends were my friends they were strangers...actually thats not totally true at least I could get a referral about them cuz someone else knew them before me so I wouldn't be going totally from scratch anyway.

Hmmm I wonder what made him stop maybe he spied my newly acquired tongue ring and figured "an educated dick sucker...imma get me some ah dat". Hmmm I dint catch his gaze wandering unduly to my mouth or breasts so who knows.

After this although the logic is severely flawed ie cause/effect: because one factor is either absent or present its said to be the cause of something ie after a long period of drought torrential rainfall occurs the day you decide to walk inside backwards from the car. So my fallacy, I can't remember the exact name of this one...you know like how there is slippery slope etc....anyway today I wore heels. Not super high but heels nonetheless no ballet flats and I wore my hair up away from my face...now if I had worn my contacts I would have said that was it, cuz I dont think I look attractive in my glasses at all. So I looked nice but simple..slim leg jeans and a Radical Designs green tee...It's like when I'm in clothes I think I have a banging body but when I'm naked I see so much room for improvement (Tangent!)

Ok so today before all of this chance meeting etc. It really was chance if something didn't happen before and keep me back I would not have been walking right there when he was there.

So my friend with the dj guy (discussed in my other blog) basically gave it up too soon between money issues, him avoiding hanging with her friends, ore even attending the same party as her far less...and his being available to hang Mon-Thurs then MIA Fri-Sun she thought yea we fucked but we are cool we can be friends. Well not entirely so and so the age old story goes. Nice girl fucks too quick then really understands the meaning of screwed...And guys talk about wanting an assertive girl they wont think anything less of a girl if they have sex the first night...but then again thats not usually the girl that they want a relationship with.

Lemme check my files...yep I agree with that. No one I've fucked outside of us having a relationship has wanted anything serious...but thats fine I entered it with no such expectations of stuff growing into more.
My friend had sex with someone I never even met...that's sad, I know she thought it could have been something positive.

Well I'm a few months into being celibate. My cut buddy doesn't know he has been retired , expired whatever...I guess that's partly my fault...he asked whether "I don't feel for him" and I'm like no not yet...so he's like "are we never going to have sex again?" and because of that cliched phrase "Never say never" I say no don't say never ,it possible even though in my head I really don't want do ever again...then he tries to entice me talking about he never lifted me up and fucked me against the wall that is great and all that BS and we have an hr long phone convo where he tries to initiate phone sex (what is it about guys me and phone sex) and now I understand the phrase "...begging for poomz" having finally experience it I understand...being that this was my first experience with it does that mean I'm kinda pathetic that of all the people I've had sex with only one has begged for sex...does that mean I give it up too easy...lol oh no I'm simply defined as "assertive" by the guy that may be on the receiving end....ah the power of words to ease or placate a potentially guilty conscience.


Oh very briefly, I've had so many experiences in life that cause me to be wary of new ppl in my life. So briefly money is tight these days and I haven't gotten my paycheck yet..so I try to spend as little as possible on food ie. my big meal for the day...lunch..My new co-worker female wants us to go to lunch together at the same time but she is tired eating all the same "cheap" stuff that is near where we work so she suggests we go somewhere X that sells lunch upwards of $8, I politely refuse and when she presses me I'm just honest and say Im not willing to spend that much on lunch...so she is like if that wasn't a factor would you go....well with some trepidation I'm like yea sure ....so she's like ok it's settled, I'm gonna buy you lunch.. I protest a few times but she is insistent
Well when we get there and see the prices I'm just offer to pay for myself but she refused and ends up spending $25 for both lunches.

Now I am a open person and I don't judge perhaps thats why I still associated with a friend that obviously looked butch....everyone asked me if she was gay and I would say no despite the physical indicating otherwise. Fact is she is gay and and probably dreamt of munching on my carpet.

So now anytime a somewhat androgynous female is extra nice to me my hackles are up about their motive...mind you I'm always the first person to roll my eyes at "that person" that thinks EVERYONE wants them, is trying to hit on them etc...but I'm paranoid now. I really am.
We got let off from work early this other day and I decided I was goin to the movies...she talked about going too, I kept quiet cause my intention was to have the poor, dateless, girl movie experience a la bringing in outside refreshments, paying for one movie but viewing as many as I wanted...C'mon I can't appear that cheap to a practical stranger.
So the next day she asks if I saw Da Vinci and I'm like yea I went to XYZ theatre she's "by yourself". I said, "affirmative," she' like I know I should have asked you. I just figured you seem like the type of person to have your people you go to the movies with. Totally deadpan I say, "well I have no friends". that ws the biggest mistake cuz I think she believed me. stupid stupid stupid Taj.

Coupled with that my lez friend calls to inform me that our mutually loosely called friend has decided that she is bisexual. It was at the tip of my tongue to ask if she thought she had a chance with her (Angel black/white with the body of a thick sister but with blonde hair blue eyes and light skin) but I quelled the impish urge it simply wasn't worth it. My thing is that this girl was bedding mainly guys onlathleic teams ie footballers and the like somehow I think she just got burned and bitter against men...not that she can't be bisxual if she wants to but I feel it's coming from a different place...Then this asshole calls to tell me yet another has been converted to the Sapphic (sp) order. Bloodcleeet I see lesbians. I see lesbians all day.....................Sigh


Yeah I prob should have broken this up into multiple posts to not make it seem so daunting but neway I do what I want Capise.