The Tempest

My blog privacy was invaded by a snooping ex so I've created a new address filled with old and new junk. Enjoy, run screaming, or pull your hair out. Proceed!

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Saturday, June 24, 2006

The Anatomy of I love you

Ok so this blog is going to be sort of backwards because when I felt all of these things I couldn't write because I had no time; and subsequent to that new events happened to change my perception of what I thought before. However I will try to provide an unedited version (sans 20/20 hindsight) of what I thought before.
Sufficiently confused?
Ok let's proceed.

So I am walking home from work on Wednesday thinking of how heartless I am and lamenting that I can never feel in love with someone.
Recently I have been having the bomb ass, tell your friends, quiver in your spine, female ejaculation type, instantly wet when you even know he's coming over sex and orgasms.
Now mind you an entire year before I felt like I loved this person, but fastforward a year (to now) without seeing him and basically pinning for him and he shows up with his excellent dick and it's back to how it was....well kind of, let me explain.

Now the sex was great but it didn't have the same rush for me. The same rush that would have me tell him during sex, "...anything you want just tell me I'll do it....what can I do better?....what do you want me to do?
Actually I still did say that but I can't explain it was still different from a year ago.
The reason why it was different was because I was trying to be emotionally unattached. I didn't want by having sex with him to get back in that emotional place of loving him again.
So if our sex was typically a 20 on a 10 point scale then the sex rating drops to 15 without the "emotional stuff"....see and yes on its own the sex is still that good.

I don't like to be played around with and made to wait.
I think I am reason enough to be visited and be the sole reason for that visit.
He said he didn't agree, he wouldn't visit where I live for just me, that there would be multiple reasons for the trip.
So in that entire year wait thing, I got accustomed to not calling him every week, trying not to just update him on every event in my life. I deleted his number from my phone and only would have it for as many entries as my incoming calls would hold (meaning if he called me I had his number).

In my opinion I made it clear that I cared about him a lot but he doesn't really see that I gave him the knowledge that the like was so deep. So for this past yr I was a little disappointed about us location/distance between us.
Also I don't know what I expected to happen because love doesn't change much.

And I think the worst was actually telling him that I loved him a year ago.
Now I would not have said a word, but while we were having sex he made me look in his eyes and he asked me how I felt about him... I was panicked, so far it was all about us clicking well sexually and having a good enough interaction that even when not having sex we still enjoyed each others company.
He asked, Taj how do you feel about me? and our faces are millimeters away and he is looking right in my eyes.

Time is going by, he is waiting for a response and my mind is racing: why did he ask me that? I've already told him that I like him and I care (= I love you), but do I really tell him that, isn't that a boy/girl dating no no?
So I swallow really hard and just say it...I love you and I said it more than once.
After that I tried to bring it up but it seems like being so caught up in sex he didn't even remember what I described above.

So I'm walking home knowing the sex is different because of the mistrust (the I love you incident plus the fact that living out of state he wouldn't come to my state just to visit me). I distrust handing my heart over to him to get it stomped on.
For me to fully enjoy myself in sex my heart has to be in it and since my heart was effectively put on pause a year ago the 20pts sex was out the window.

So he is in town and I'm having sex with him and on the walk home I'm trying to decide whether I probably am still in love with him but trying to ignore it to protect my heart and just come to the conclusion that it's good sex nothing more and way less.
So I come to the conclusion that I love him differently, I'm not constantly thinking about him like before - I'm not infatuated anymore and I'm willing not to fall back into the infatuation just because we are having sex and spend time together for 4 days.

Ok so that's the end of what I would have written and that's how I felt on Thursday evening.

Ok so now on Thursday night we are together again and since I'm writing this on Sunday I am doubting myself.
So we talk during sex ....Fuck me, oh you are so hard, fuck me harder, nibble on it, grab, squeeze, suck, oooh it feels so good, hmmmm I love your dick, I love how you feel, It's all yours this is your dick etc

So when I hear the phrase I love... I'm thinking he's gonna finish and say pussy. I love your pussy.
But then I think he says: I love you, I love you and I'm just doubting myself. And he is looking at me again straight in my eyes less than an inch from my face and he is holding my face and I can't look away.
Then he puts a stroke inside me and my pussy flutters, he puts another stroke inside me and my mind just gets lost. Then he says it again, "I love you" and we kiss. And my first instinct is to look away to avoid his eyes because I don't want to say it, I don't want to open up, but I can't look away, but I know that I do still love him, so again I tell him that.
I love you.

So we both love each other now, but I'm not 5 years old anymore. Sometimes love isn't enough to make stuff work so who knows what is gonna happen now?

BTW of course now I am second guessing what I heard.
Kinda like the power of suggestion like maybe I wanted to hear him say I love you and maybe he was saying something totally different.
I swear he said it more than once but now I'm thinking he never said it that I was mistaken.
Sigh I'm pretty sure he did but....
I guess that's why he didn't want to visit and just see me, he wasn't sure if it was worth it since he wasn't sure if he liked me that much.

One thing I know for sure he's definitely not going to discuss it.

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