It's weird

It's weird today I missed my ex
Now I probably miss him everyday except now it's sort of like an underground underlying ache it might as well not exist. some hurt/ache is there but it is not at the forefront of my mind. This dull ache is way different from the acute JP pangs I had today.

I came home and missed the familiarity of someone... of not arguing over the remote control cuz he was happy watching what I wanna watch unless basketball was on. The enjoyment of having someone to cook with of having someone to fall asleep next to.
Just last night I had to call a friend to have random conversation with till I felt tired enough so that as soon as I landed on that pillow I would fall asleep.

That reminds me you know what I am going to call that guy tomorrow. I swear I am, I promise that I am.

Maybe it's the alcohol that has me in such a refective mood. I must say my cousin makes a meannnnn cosmopolitan. Yummm. Oh today was my lil cousin's 8th grade graduation and boy was she excited. It was a nice evening ending with us eating a lot and us sipping on cosmos. Maybe it was her asking about Us or the realization that besides him and I they have no other concept of me in a relationship. I dunno

BTW isn't it weird some of the stuff a cut buddy will do for you....stuff even your "friends" may not do? Of course their motivation is different but its nice when ppl don't treat you like chopped liver if you are not having sex with them.

Oh and another thing my ex lesbian crush person...it is sooo disheartening when thats the only person willing to do stuff with you. I don't play tennis cuz I don't have a partner mind you she called saying she wants to play, going to the movies she always asks if I have seen xyz and I say no then go by myself.
It's sad when you don't trust the person who wants to spend the most time around you doing the stuff that you want to do. Worse that this person is willing to be there when your "friends" are busy with life.

Thinking a little today I've realized that I've chosen a lot to be lucky in love or happy emotionally rather than achieving personal goals and that scares me...when did I become "that girl". That kind of girl that right now would rather be happily married (maybe) with someone she loves rather than stand alone striving for the 90s woman ideal with 60 work weeks all for the desire to be "independent" and liberated and whatever else convinces them that they are happy.

I think I am scared to verbalize stuff for the fear that it never comes to pass.

Well that is changing: I've known this for a long time.....I WANT BETTER
But this is the first time I've said it, now I need to start planning.