so yeah another post about death

I've for most of my life been the person who didn't go to funerals. I think the straw that broke the camel's back was when I went to my best friend's grandfather's funeral . I was really close, I sat with them and I was given a flower to throw on his coffin. I guess to see her cry and seeing her mom sobbing and, to me at 6/7 yrs old, being hysterical just didn't cut it.
I made it clear to my mother that henceforth don't ask me to go to any funerals, I would volunteer if I wanted to.
The last funeral I remember going to was my high school teacher, she had suffer for 2 years with breast cancer. Oh, and I forgot my paternal grandmother's funeral and that was another episode in itself. I had just come home on vacation the night before and I was going to see her the next day. I was about to leave home only to get a call that I was already too late. Sigh.

So what I came on to write about was grief. I'm reading up a bunch of stuff off of websites because not only have we all lost a friend, I feel like I'm losing another due to guilt. This friend is the lucky one the one who got dropped off just before the accident happened; he's the one who replays that early morning searching for some way of knowing, for some way of preventing what happened.

How was the funeral was a stupid question to ask but how do I ask; did you cry? Do you want to talk about it?
You say everything is fine anyway.
I make time and buy a phone card to call overseas just to let you know that I'm there for you and you were nice, you even joked around...but if I feel the way that I feel from where I am...I can imagine how you feel saying bye to someone then getting a call that someone you just touched is now dead.....thinking that you happened to get dropped off then and probably could have been in the car as well.
Sigh.
I just have to keep on taking deep breaths and hope that eventually you say something...express something.

:(