The Weekend edition (caliente) well sorta

Ok so I guess I am a post whore. Hmm well post whore may be to strong a word but you get the idea. I'll be shallow here cuz I'm so deep and serious in my everyday life. Plus if I really waited to post something meaningful...well let's just say I would have no way to spend my free time.

So my girlfriend had a birthday lime (gathering of friends hanging out) on Saturday and it was pretty good. There was the usual trying to liquor everyone up to lower inhibitions to get the party started. Well there was no stripping but conversations were definitely risqué and at least for me there was a plethora of shocking events. Well maybe not a plethora, but it was a lil funny.

1) I got one offer for no strings attached cunnilingus at my earliest convenience with a guaranteed “happy ending”. Evidence offered up for collateral? He said look this way and put up his hand like he was about to tell me a secret then showed me his skill. He can touch his nose with his tongue. Site duly noted. (with raised eyebrows) He was like u don’t look like ur gonna take me up on my offer. I was like well I’m going on vacation I’ll be back in January so I’ll think about it. He wasn’t happy about it but he said aight. There is more for this one but I feel my carpel tunnel coming on ( I typed this sentence after I completed the blog)

2) I had an appointment. If I chose to accept my mission the appointment was at 4:30AM sharp in the master bedroom. I know I know how do I get myself into these things right. And it was funny cuz I didn’t even drink that much. I had a Smirnoff Ice and just sipped a bit from the bartender’s drink all night. I don’t even think that measured up to one full drink. Anyway because I am how I am I keep the appointment just to see how far he is trying to go and what his game is like. See this is another problem. He’s not a new random guy, he’s a friend so I really wanna see what kinda heat he’s packing. So I get there are he’s all sprawled off on the bed on his back like he’s soooooooooooo exhausted and napping. Huh? Wadeva! Aight so I’m game and this is so funny cuz I’m not buzzed or anything it’s just me being me. Anyway so I creep up to him on the bed all feline-like, straddling him, but not sitting on him with boobs and groin matched up to the appropriate areas with just enough light teasing pressure to let him know, “Hey, I’m here whud it do?” Oh I forgot in addition to the light rubbing he got a wakeup kiss - on the cheek. Ok great ur up now. He opens his eyes and besides seeing me less than an inch from his face the first thing he does is look down at his crotch and realizes that I’m close enough to feel him throbbing through his jeans. Wicked! Ahahahahah LOL. His expression is sooo cute. It says “Fuck!!!!!! How can I get both of our clothes off without her changing position? Then as is customary all good things come to an end. The ever inquisitive birthday girl breaks up our party. I heard her coming a mile away. I was standing up like I entered the room just a minute ago to dutifully check on a tipsy friend. That was my sign playtime’s over and this really wasn’t meant to be. Awww well. He looked like a kid who had his best Christmas gift given away to someone less fortunate. You know it’s the right thing to do but it hurts sooo bad. I believe this was the first time him and his best gal pal weren’t in sync. Either that or she knew what was up and was saying “Homey don’t play that!” Either way it was pretty funny. (IMHO) Lucky for me I was tension free or else it may have been a different situation. It could have become quiet frisky.

3) I got called selfish by a booty call. Well not quite a booty call that would imply that we don’t hang out or have any interaction besides sex and that’s just not true – we’re cool. Anyway. He said I was selfish because we basically only have sex when I want to which is like once every... (you didn’t think I was gonna be specific right?) Hmmm My response to that was …ummm whats wrong with that? He’s like 3/10 times it should be when I want to but right now 10/10 times it’s only when you feel for it. Again I gave him the “dumb look”. What’s wrong with that? So here comes my first argument. “Why do something I don’t feel for it especially since we have no commitments to each other?” Guys say that girls bring up old “discussions”?! Well he brought up this one time we were having some discussion and I said us having sex was kinda pointless it was like random sex. Lord who let me think an honest conversation could ever be totally honest. He shouted over the phone, “So mih bloodcleet random!” The remainder of that conversation is for another time. So that was his exhibit 1 for my selfish uncaring nature.
So my next point was, you know our situation, me having sex when I’m not in the mood and you are is reserved for relationships. You sacrifice not so that you can collect on your good deed in the future, but simply because the love and commitment is there you want them to feel good. So, why should you get the benefits of a bonafide relationship when there is none? Hmmm?
He’s like it’s okay. The fact is you’re selfish, but it’s okay. I still love you (totally not in the serious way, trust me.)
So I bring out the big guns. I said think about your daughter when she gets to 22, would you want her throwin’ de pum (pu**y) out there to someone who wasn’t special, who wasn’t her boyfriend and committed to her? His response was fathers only want to know if you have a boyfriend. If you don’t they just try not to think about it.
Sigh such a total copout. So I didn’t concede that I was selfish, but I agreed with him that sex between us is on my schedule and I don’t feel a bit remorseful about it not in the least. And that makes me smart and not selfish. Trust, if I did not take that stance the tables would probably be reversed. I would be chasing him at all hours and he would be penciling me in between his other house calls. As it is right now I get a request. The request that was the question of the day a few posts ago. Its funny this blog isn’t in real time so basically I got distracted watching tv for 15 mins so now I’m back.

4) That playing dumb and that dumb look works so well. I don’t really have a close biological brother but Anthony (* not his real name) is close enough. So he’s twisted because he’s had at least 10 of the Fuck ME up good mixed drink that was the bartender’s special that night, so I have to drive home and he’s gonna crash by me. So sorry guy from #3 its not going down tonight. So we’re driving home and I’m obeying all the laws, but speeding up to make GREEN lights I didn’t even go thru any amber. Anyway I get stopped by the cops and right off the bat he acts like a hardass. This is after we wait 7 mins for him to run the tags to determine if the car is stolen or not and we’re gonna blast him as soon as he gets to the window. Sigh, a mere 7 blocks from home at about 5 in the morning. Asshole you should let me get home ASAP instead of letting the sleep exhaustion factor step in. (Did I mention I’d been going since 9am for a friend’s grad ceremony, xmas shopping, baby sitting and a real baby that you have to run around with change, feed, sing lullabyes to and entertain, then straight to the lime….now this) So he’s a hardass comes to the window, this blue eyed blond haired white guy. In DC you wouldn’t think there would be so many white boobies. Anyway. He asks me the speed limit in DC. Puhlease at this hour in the morning. I start to say 45 then Anthony says 30 so I say 30. Then I’m like I’m asking you is it 30? In a totally soft spoken non-confrontational way. He is ticked off and he knows I didn’t know.
POPO: How fast were you going?
ME: I don’t know
POPO: That’s what that thing there is for he says pointing at the speedometer
ME: I’m sorry I didn’t look
POPO: I was following you for like 6 blocks
ME: (In my head I’m like I only saw him for 3 and yeah his lights were on but why wouldn’t they be. He didn’t make the wooowooo sound like the boobies on cops so I thought he was chillen) But I sayyyyyy. I didn’t realize you wanted me to pull over. I didn’t hear the sound and I’ve never been pulled over before so I didn’t realize that’s what you wanted. Silence
POPO: So he’s like yes license and registration. I produce them. Do you have anything pending on your record?
ME: No (very sprightly yet concerned and earnest)
Another 10 minutes goes by and I am resigned that I’m gonna get a ticket. BTW I was going 55 but so was everyone else. And while we were waiting an SUV went through a red light I bet he didn’t see that! Humph. Anyway he eventually comes back to the window with my license and Anthony’s registration.
POPO: Miss this time I’m gonna let you off with a written warning. Please review the driving rules for DC and drive carefully etc.
ME: Thank you very much officer I will be careful, much appreciated.

WTF He was such a hardass even when I turned down the glass and he realized I was a female. I have no idea what turned him around. No idea (I’m still shaking my head) and for fear that he was bullshitting and did write me up a ticket I still haven’t looked at my written reprimand… but I will maybe tomorrow.
Hmm all in one day. Damn! My life I really don’t understand God’s plan for me. All this stuff seems soooo random. Wow.