Random

Ok so I was thinking about life and going home and why I am so apprehensive to do so. I mean I want to go home as long as I can do exactly what I want to do, however that is highly unlikely. Amidst the obligatory "pass by to visit" people I haven't seen in 2+ years I will also be faced with the question(s) So what are you doing now? {insert long puzzled look} What do you hope to do with that?...What's your plan? These are all questions that I should be able to answer...but I can't and I don't feel like finding an answer in the upcoming week. Also, please tell me if I'm wrong but I had such an easy undergrad life. Tuition paid, housing paid all I had to do was feed myself and buy books. Why was I under the impression that graduate school would be easier? In undergrad my job was to produce good grades and keep that GPA up - No Problem. But in grad school instead of just getting good grades for tuition and a stipend I have to do well in school, teach classes, meet with professors and sit through some boring/ some interesting seminars all to get a stipend that isn't enough and on top of which I still need a 2nd job to make ends meet. I thought undergrad would have been hard (just because you're young and easily stressed) and the thought was always that grad school was like "they're paying you to go to school, you are the sought after commodity." Not so, not Effing so at all.
Sigh on top of which for an entire semester Verizon has not installed my internet. You know what let me not ignite that stick of dynamite I know u can't handle it. So back to grad school. For the most part it sucks and last year when I was working I thought that sucked too that's why I was so anxious to go back to school. So once again I belong NOWHERE and that is so annoying to be the perpetual pariah. Oh now I remember why the grad student thing is bothering me so much. I will be going home with nothing besides my possessions. I am definitely not a selfish person so in undergrad when I went home everyone got a Christmas present, no matter how small just to let you know that I love you and that I am thinking of you. (my sole means of doing this is not by giving gifts but it's nice in addition to the words) Right now I'm thinking the only person that can get one is my mom b/c I don't want the small distribution to look like favoritism. I luv being Santa at xmas. In high school I worked shifts at my mom's friend's gas station for the entire break esp those Fridays before the long xmas and New Years 3-day weekends and for what? So that I could get everyone a present....My five cousins and their parents, my mom and her 2 best friends, and my 4 closest friends, some leftover went to church. I am the same but the list has grown. I now have a goddaughter and my really good friend ( I dont have best friends) has a baby now and I would have liked to get them both something nice. I am distressed because for the first time in my life I am the typical broke student. I'm definitely not rich but at least I had enough to give some of what I have to those I love. This sucks I need to get my a$$ in gear and find a career that can make me some money then I can do what I want. I know thats not the ideal but how I feel right now that's the option that would work best for me. And going home is not wholly a feeling of apprehension. I am happy to go to my beach and sit on the sand and walk along the beach and remember. My memories mean a lot to me. Right now I remember being 11 and it turning to dusk and we had been on the beach since 2pm and me and my buddy sneaking back into the water to skinny dip thinking we were being so totally outrageous but never feeling quite the exhilaration we were expecting. The water felt great on a naked body and its taboo to be naked publicly but ...you know what, but nothing it was fun and our own little "wild/bad girl" moment at 11 and 10yrs old resp. Hmmm I haven't reread the blog I know it probably doesn't have any flow but alas that's the heart of me. You're probably lucky it wasn't unfinished. Now unto my finals. Bye