Tick

Hunger hurts, but starving works when it costs too much to love - Fiona Apple, Paper Bag.

Have you ever felt in life that as others are busy living their life you are on the fringe helping them live it, but not really involved in living your own life? No? Well I feel like that sometimes. It's kinda like the Will Smith character in The Legend of Bagger Vance the stereotypical black sage etc.
It's kinda like you get lost in someone else world and get envelopped in helping them achieve their goals and what's more ridiculous is that I never saw myself as that kind of person. But as I typed it, I remember some hints from childhood.
For the longest while as a child I convinced myself that I was adopted, irregardless of the fact that I'm the spitting image of my mom and people who haven't seen me in years walk up to me on the street and are like, "You're so and so's daughter. You can't hide it". Nevertheless I convinced myself, and rather than be highly annoyed and offended my mom even helped me find my REAL mom.... the fat lady by the market. Anytime there was discord (which was a lot I was a difficult, read that as free-spirited child and my mom is a stubborn Scorpio with a long memory) she would ask, after a week or so had blown over (I'm telling you this woman can stay mad), she would ask jokingly if I was ready to live with the fat lady by the market. Rewind to about age 7. I was in stealth mode behind one of the hotel bungalows straining my ears for any sounds of despair, any hint that something was awry, that some fat hotel guest was either grinding glass to put in his rich, by way of inheritance, wife's food or was gonna put digitalis in her iced tea. Hot damn! I thought I was the whole Famous Five and Secret Seven put together. Now many kids role play and imagine but how many write notes about the comings and goings of hotel guests, bits and parts of irrelevant conversation, and had the arrogance of Knight Rider going up to the pool's bar asking for a drink with no means to pay (they gave me a big drink with an umbrella everytime) especially when they know if caught it would be BIGGG trouble. Anyways I did and I rode all around that place on my pink BMX bike like it was Kit, "borrowed" a golf cart here and there if I felt it wouldn't be missed. The point is a lot of the time growing up I wished that I was someone else.
Ok to regain the intial thread of the post. Ok. Yes. So, I feel like over the years I've gotten soft. In relationships I've always been able to retain my "me-ness", my focus on my goals. But, coming to college was a different story. I was with my last boyfriend for 3 1/2 years and for me thats a lifetime considering that before that my longest relationship was 9 months, a turbulent 9mths but thats another story. After being together constantly for that long to break up in the space of a day with thousands of miles between us was crazy, (we/I broke up because of the distance, its different country distance).
*** I hardly have time to blog but when I creative juices flow I'm always at work so instead of keeping it as a draft I will put this up even though its unfinished. Actually this is good the "unfinished" ethic is sorta typical of me :)