Untitled

Most of my poems, musings, ramblings, or cries for help are untitled and have been written years ago. I will try to keep the typos minimal but I'm only human, however, I am a lil OCD so I may end up editing this stuff a lot. I'm a newbie still trying to get the hang of how it works.

1) 29/12/98
Lonliness is a state of mind
Which makes me feel like I'm underwater, gasping for air.
I'm dammed if I open my mouth and let the water surge in.
And, I'm dammed if I don't and hold it in 'til I burst.
So there lies the dilemma, the inaction, surpressed confusion.

2) 14 Jan 1999 (KA)
I don't love hard enough
I lost a friend
I'm not a keeper of secrets,
I don't indulge in the adolescent exchange of messages,
or uniting of souls in love
I'm simply superficial
Now I cry for him the one who I hold no secrets for, no intimacies
Guilt makes me feel so bad

We separated whenI stayed constant and he strayed
It seemed like we couldn't mix so he split
So it came, long pauses in conversation, nothing to tease about
Friendship can pass you by if you don't grasp it firmly
This is my revalation of guilt for not loving enough and even worse, not being a keeper of secrets
Here's to me being too ambitious to be accessible even to a friend

It hurts that I am no longer close to you and now realize how much I love you
That's why I didn't deserve to know your deepest secrets, since I didn't hold any previous ones
Why the biggest? Found out inadvertently
Is it really what I deserve?
Do I ask you if you would have cared if I knew?
Would it be repeated?
How can I love but not trust you completely?

3) 04-April 1999
(Interrupted)
Our lives run like parallel lines
But in opposite directions
The time is never right for us to get to geether and start a relationship
So I wonder are we more caught up in the dream/fantasy of harbouring a secret love
Than the pure sweetness this joining could provide in reality
I liken it to the battered woman who believes each time he'll never do it again
When will the time be right for this love to handle the competition of reality?
Reality in our relationship is our friendship
It hasn't ended and I don't think it would, knock wood!!
But the honesty is what keeps it alive

Some say you don't know the lie 'til they tell the truth
But the stuff you confide is real and when I play confident and indifferent the more I realize that our love is real
It's real in the friendship that we share
And we're getting closer to admitting it
That's half the battle won, but the fantasy still remains
But, what is life without a dream ...

4) 18th Aug. 1999
I believe it's fear that has you still running after me
It can't be love, after all this time it can't possibly be
It's more of a possession thing
Afraid that no other fool would give you as much, love you as much, tolerate you as much and give you as much as I have

It's like you're a junkie and I'm your facillitator
No matter how much I cut you off or give you pittances of my dead love for you, you keep coming back for more
I feel tied to you more like a witch to a stake being tried for the crime of destroying your heart
Loving then rejecting you in a heartbeat
Stringing you along simply to be in charge of someone's emotions
Simply because I couldn't control my own

So who do I blame for a love that hasn't ended going strong on the fifth year?
I don't blame myself entirely
I realize I put as much emotion as you into the relationship
I was deep in a hole
I dreamt then woke thinking only of you
You were 1st-122nd in my life and I lived through you
You also used me to some extent
And, I guess because I got over it so seemingly easy you thought I never loved you
But I withdrew my love poco by poco with each revalation of your unlove
So at the final straw there was nothing left; no more love to use or discard

5) Dec 27 1999 12:00 am Viv house
Let me tell you about something that I lost that was so dear to me
I guess I took it for granted and slowly it was withdrawn from me
See when you left I was swept with feverish nostalgia and wrote almost non stop but the same connection was harder to maintain
So I reasoned that the break would be cleaner if I could distance my emotions from you

I miss my best friend; what do I have now?
Noone that really understands me
This break is worse in that it is unclean and unresolved
The parameters of the relationship are ill defined and awkward
You see we know our friendship's ended and invalid, yet hang on to the ruins of the relationship

At times I imagined myself in love with you but I realized it was the fact that you know me so well that I loved
No pretense, counterplays or faux pas
Hard, gritty, honest, playful, loving
Now I see the energy that you expended on our friendship lavished on another whom I must say deserves it
I don't understand you
I can't read your emotions like before and that ISH kills me
I feel like I'm in JAWS ready to do battle with a butter knife
Curse the day I made my prognosis for 'absentitis'

I believe that absence makes the heart grow colder as it no longer has familiarity to cling to
Slights are exaggerated and promulgated into imagined insults
My heart is as heavy as Hester's wihich bore the Scarlett A of an adulturer
Once again I have nadie
Half of me wants to give up and return to my never ending solitude
And the other half of the Gemini wants so desperately to cling and hop for a storybook ending of a redeemed friendship