not a good day

Tomorrow is another day
Tomorrow is a new day a new start
But where do the problems of yesterday go
(Tomorrow)
I guess I’m just caught between my heart and fear
Desperately wanting to thrive, to grow, to accomplish
But I hold myself back
That inner dialogue cripples me, mocks me, makes me withdraw in fear



maybe i'll finish this one sometime

*-_-*

Ok so I had the most bleak christmas/new year of my life but I'm not going to bitch about it because it was all my fault.

It seems like I only blog if someone dies....sorry. My ex boyfriend's dad died. When he called me I could hardly make heads or tail of what he was saying (partly because it was 3AM) but when I realized who it was I immediately knew that this was the hour that this was the call he dreaded getting and making.
His dad had pancreatic cancer slim, fit, active (gym and choir practice), went on a cruise with his wife and a trip to England. Too bad it wasn't colon or prostate cancer at least it may have been discovered sooner.
I know you may laugh actually no the situation is sad enough that you wouldn't but you would probably doubt. Anyway. One night in undergrad we were asleep in the same bed (I think this was the pre virgin days) we just liked to fall asleep next to each other and luckily we lived in the same dorm. So we are fast asleep in dreamland and then he flies up straight in bed and sits at the edge of the bed. At first I just rearrange myself and try to drift back to sleep but then something sounds wrong so I sit up with him, he tried to turn his face away but he was crying.
Wow! Shock and I'm scared to ask him what happened?
Well, he dreamt that his father died and that was his worst nightmare. It was particularly scary since when he dreams that people die they really do. At the time he was 20 and this happened at least twice before.
So then came the period of calling home worrying and just trying to ask if his dad had all the necessary yearly checks that he should have. His brothers were puzzled by his questions everyone was like he's fine. But 2 weeks later the call came his aunt (father's sister died).

Hmmmmm. I don't think he ever mentioned the dream to anyone else. And I know I never mentioned it, but to see someone that you go to for comfort and advice so broken, sad and just empty its sad. Its sad because I really prayed for him and was convinced that he was as sick as he was because of the chemo not because the treatment wasn't working. I told myself...that's the point of chemo to bring you to the brink of death (healthy cells cancerous cells it doesn't discriminate). I hoped so much , he had made it through 2 cycles of chemo all he had to do was fight and try to eat sometimes. Alas it just wasn't enough in about 4 short months it was over.
Yes he was ailing, but he was going through cancer treatment he was supposed to be frail and sick, so no his death wasn't expected because he was sick, no he wasn't "on borrowed time".

So I was on the phone he's in Penn State and I'm in DC and I was just honest "I'm sorry, this is so sad. I don't know what to say to comfort you, but I wish I was there". I could hear his heart aching over the phone probably thinking of the wedding his father wouldn't attend (luckily his oldest brother had the foresight to not listen to anyone and got engaged and married -in within about 2 months while everyone was like move out first, build the house first, get married during the summer), the grandkids his dad would never get to teach the piano or how to cook or tinker with a car. I had to show him the accomplishments, the bright side: a marriage that lasted 30+ years, raising 3 sons all of whom are either physicists, engineers or financial advisors and real genuine gentlemen, he created a secure joyful home with tons of memories for them and his wife that he loved for years.
Unfair yes he was retired and having fun, he took care of himself and didn't abuse his body with cigarettes, drugs or alcohol. He had more life to live even at the age us young people consider "old". He was sweet and generous and opened his house to both me and my mom on many occasions; it was funny when me and J broke up we didn't even tell our parents, for that entire summer 3 months they thought we were still together and socialized on Sundays :) I guess we didn't want to break up their fun times together.
I feel it most for his mom. She's not a NY socialite of OC wife; she's not out there searching for companionship or he next great love. She's had it and I can't see herself opening up like that. I guess I empathize because I've seen the lonliness loss of a mate can bring. Til this day I don't know how my mom does/did it for soooo many years. I've lived that life for 2 years and it is so lonely.

Loss of a parent brings up that question: Is it worse to lose or to never have? J asked me this question and then stopped but the words were already out. Having a father for a while vs never having one...he knew what my answer would be and immediately felt insensitive for bringing it up. Nonsense could I really even get mad with you at a time like this? Really no it doesn't matter in each case hurt is hurt neither more deserving of pity than the other.

So we sat on the phone for about 10mins before he said he had to go. I knew he had to cry it out. I said call back any time ... and he did and it was okay just so that he knew the entire world wasn't turning oblivious to his pain and loss - I was there, pain is real, reality is inescapable, yet the spirit survives.

I'm glad that he decided to run home one last time before the semester started. He spent his birthday with his dad this year. He got to spend time with him not knowing when he would pass but acknowledging that life is frail. I'm glad he got that because I know what it is like to get there just a little late. When my paternal grandmother died I got there 10 minutes too late. I had come home on vacation from school and my first stop was going to be there after I made a trip to the supermarket and helped with the cleaning....too late. Too late to hear the last thing she had to say...too late to hold her hand as she passed on...too late to look in her eyes before they closed forever. I still went into her room to see her and part of me regretted it. I sat and held her hand (now cold) and just cried silently sooooooooooo angry at myself.

I remeber the first time that I met her it was at her husband's (my grandfather's funeral). I think I barely understood what was going on. I was about 6? 7? and in my school uniform ushered to a funeral of a person I didn't know yet whose blood intimately mingled in my own. At this point I think I still hadn't even met my father and barely grasped the concept that he had parents (also my maternal grandmother died the year I was born so I only had photos). That day I met cousins I never knew I had, and aunts and uncles, and visited a house that should feel like home to me. After that whenever I would remember there was this other life I belonged to I would make requests to my mom to visit and she would drop me off and I would stay for a few hours. I was most relaxed around my younger cousin but alas around everyone else I felt like a guest. Yes they treated me well but I always felt like a visitor, but then my grandmother would sit me down and ask me all sorts of questions and "see" me. She was going blind so when I visited she would touch the face to see if it was as she remembered it and claim yes for certain features she felt she had given me :) (probably not the boobs I lucked out on that inheritance), but the height and legs check she claimed those too. And she would never send me home empty handed even on the day she died she had them set aside snacks and a little trinket for me :-(

I'm sorry for the abrupt ending but I ....I don't know what else to write nothing runs into that last memory.

But J flew home over the weekend and I know him and his brothers are trying to be strong making all the funeral arrangements etc, and he says his mom is fine but I know behind her superwoman stance there is that private ache - don't mothers know how to hide it so well.

This helps

Steps
1
Step One
Accept the fact that he doesn't feel the same way about you. If you continue to believe that there is a chance he will eventually love you, you will never move on.
2
Step Two
Understand the reasons why she doesn't feel the same way. Understanding the reasons for the unrequited love will help you to move past the situation and get over her.
3
Step Three
Stay positive. Don't let this situation cause you to have bitter feelings toward finding someone who loves you. It will lead you toward becoming a bitter and unhappy person.
4
Step Four
Get your mind off of him. Spend more time with friends and family, and surround yourself with those who love and care about you.
5
Step Five
Keep busy. Throw yourself into your work or hobbies. If you don't have any hobbies there are plenty to choose from so it won't be difficult finding one.
6
Step Six
Focus on your future. Nobody has ever moved forward by constantly looking back. Focusing on your future will make you take your focus off her.
7
Step Seven
Remind yourself of your good qualities. Just because one person does not love you does not mean you are not a good person. Remind yourself of that as often as necessary.
8
Step Eight
Go out on dates. It may be difficult at first because your heart may still belong to him but the worst that could happen is that you meet someone you like to hang out with. You never know, you may meet someone you really like that feels the same way about you.
9
Step Nine
Appreciate yourself. Realize that you don't need anyone to validate you and that you are still the wonderful person you were before the breakup. Remind yourself that most relationships don't work out and that your breakup isn't unusual. Work on gaining independence so that you can be just as happy alone as when you're in a relationship. That will make you more attractive.
10
Step Ten
If you've been left before, think of how you overcame that pain. You did it once, you can do it again.
11
Step Eleven
Don't feed the monster. After a week or two of grief, stop yourself from indulging conversations about your lost love or from obtaining information about them. In time, your grief will fade on its own, provided you let it.
12
Step Twelve
Ask yourself, "Why would I want to be with anyone who doesn't love me back?" You deserve better. You may discover you are repeating a pathology from your childhood, clinging to someone who doesn't appreciate you in an effort to win the approval you could not get from your parents. Seek professional help to dig deeper if you suspect this is true.


I have experienced #10 but never got over it. And, I've realized lately I suffer from #12, so I just need to work on me and occupying my time - just a little bit difficult since I will be spending xmas by my lonesome. I'll make it through tho.
***Don't be a hard rock when you really are a gem.***

Revelations

I'm not really sure whether the sum total of my needed revelations have been revealed, but I've found out a few things.

1. I have no confidantes. Due to the childhood warning of keeping what happens at home private I'm unable to open up to people that I consider friends. I sometimes say I have no friends but if I'm being honest its more like I don't go out on a limb to treat them as friends when it comes to what's really going on with me.

2. I'm convinced I'm just one of those ppl that needed balance - I needed a father. As much bravado as I try to put forth, as much as a rationalize girls have grown up in brothels and survived, Anne Frank survived Nazi camps, ppl survive being orphans, being given up for adoption, beaten, abused, raped yet I feel like I just can't get over always feeling abanonned unwanted and at times jealous and resentful of my siblings.

3. As a result of being ignored, maybe ignored isn't the word...."unnoticed"....."unchecked up on" by my father I honestly feel any rejection I get from a male hurts just as badly as what I experienced from my father. Usually I'm good about choosing a boyfriend. They love me .... I love them back, they express interest and open up and I really decide "how do I feel about the person". But lately I've made some bad choices, I've been interacting with guys that aren't honest, that play around treat me like I'm the most enchanting person they have ever met one day, yet turn around and treat me like the little puppy that pissed on the carpet. Of course you are mad at it but its just so darn cute and helpless what's left to do but pity it.... The pitying isn't cute or endearing its been killing me slowly. I'm done trying to figure out the duality of their treatment it doesn't really matter, I can't change it however I want to change how I feel, by not subjecting myself to any sort of interaction with them. I've tried in the past and probably because of guilt he has apologized saying he knows what he did wrong and he's apologizing for "Everything". Hmmm what a wonderful catchall...everything. I really would like an itemized list to see if you REALLY know what you have done and how you treat me hurts. But being the open forgiving spirit I am, I erased the slate and you scribbled all over it again.

4. I am a procrastinator and I am afraid to reach for my dreams. As much as I frustrate myself because of my own actions I know there is someone who gets punished even more - my mom. I guess by hurting/ hindering my own progress I end up hurting her but I just wish everything could just affect me only. I really wish she could understand that I don't mean to hurt her.

5. I think I'm going to be alone all my life. It's funny how as a kid you think everything is just going to fall into place. You don't know how you are gonna get that job, house, husband, kids, friend etc but you see everyone around you with it so you assume there is some sort of manual or warehouse where you can just pick these things up when you get to the age where you should have them. Sadly not so. I just feel like I was ill-equipped for figuring all of this out. I was going to say I've figured out:

Love and go with the one who loves you....not the one that you love unrequitedly.

However, that's unfair. While you wait to discover the moment when you will be in love with boy 1 he is putting his all into everything and only getting a smoke and mirror relationship - not fair. And, since the one you love is an insensitive dick that just compounds your daddy issues the safest thing is to simply exist alone....as an island. This reminds me of a previous coworker on campus. A third party told me she just hated my guts yet I never did anything to her, the quote was that " I walked around all the time with this look on my face like I was entitled to something, like I was better than someone." Wow well I guess she just never met someone who had as many problems as I imagine for myself.

I cried myself to sleep last night and I've gotten into the habit of switching off my cell phone when I go to bed. When I get up I forget it was off and sometimes it stays off an entire day... no worries no one calls anyway unless its for sex or to go to the club or to talk about issues in their life or an ex. But last night/this morning/4AM I got reprimanded for it. My FB said he thought I was out of the country he couldn't understand why I would just switch my phone off. Of course the most absurd came to his mind first "are you effin someone else" instead of simply that "I don't want to be reached".
Its hard giving so much of yourself to others and not gettin anything that you want in return. I am a confidante for others yet I can't confide in them, I love someone yet they won't reciprocate, I love someone else yet can't be near them, I treat others as a friend yet they don't give me their quality time only requests for phone sex, sex, club companion etc. Is it that everyone is that busy with their lives that they can't care,??? they just take what they need and keep it moving.
No fuck buddy I haven't developed feelings for you I just want to feel human. I want the buddy part of the relationship otherwise just say that we fuck, otherwise let me know I'm not paranoid in thinking we were never friends. There is really no profit for me in this equation - just let me go please.

I want to be on hiatus from the world. Oh its Christmas......
Oh its New Year's.........

wow I hadn't noticed.

A very morose post after such a long hiatus. I really stumbled my way through 2007. It was a God awful mess and for all the harship and pain of the year I'm not sure if my revelations add up to the value of the year that I've lost. This is officially the worst year and lost year of my life. I wanted to diary this entire year but the lows were so low, to catalogue them would probably just aid me into banishing myself to an abyss of forever darkness.

So what am I going to do now?
Cook.
Cook some salmon, vegees and rice and just believe in myself that I can turn everything around. Trust that going through the darkest has shown me exactly where I don't want to be and instill in me the fire to drive and push for more...to continue to push for WHAT I AM WORTH!

Well

I think I'm done with blogging as evidence by my long break.
I still have a lot of problems, still feel lonely and still have issues as regards certain aspects of my life...but guess what life still goes on and I will try to involve myself in it and live as well.

Am I needy?

I don't think so.
Since Friday my phone has rung a total of 3 times, one was the lesbian, one was a friend from NY and the other was the Remax agent for the house I live in.

3 days, three calls 2 on one day 1 on another and 0 on one.

I can't even think of anyone in my phone book I would call - I mean I already called them during the week when my phone didn't ring at all so I think that I've used up my quota of calling them.

Its Sunday and my mom hasn't called. I wonder how come at least if thats the only call I expect to get come sunday morning...its now 3:50PM. Ah well I'm sure there's a good reason.

Why am I always on the fringes of my friends, confiding never at all to barely in few. Why do I feel the need to be like this?

So I did well in a standarized test, who is to tell, who is there to congratulate me. In the grand scheme of things and the tempest in a teacup that is my life...is it even mentionable or celebratory?

I vote no - moving on.

ramblings

Ok so my lesbian acquaintance or former friend whichever invites me to a cookout or whatever. She has recently moved into her grandmother's house who is in TnT sick and her uncle is in the process of migrating to TnT because his wife is already there legally unable to stay in the US anymore. So she has been fixing the place up etc.

So she invites me to it and says if I want to come ask my housemate if she is coming cuz she was invited too and if not she would give me a ride. Well I weigh the free food vs being around my housemate (we haven't spoken in a while, no animosity its just that she hasn't knocked on my door and I haven't knocked on hers) so I don't feel like going out and being all social with her, as well as the lesbian who I havent spoken to in a while - I'm wondering why she even invited me.

So I call and say I wont be going out to the house and she says well ok and it wasn't at the house anyway.
So I'm like, so where was it going to be?
In Hyattsville.
So I'm like since I dont know where its gonna be aight talk to you sometime.

How can you invite someone somewhere without giving them the facts of the occasion. Now the only thing I can come up with is that she was inviting me to her partner's place. When I was apt hunting she did mention that the person found affordable housing in that area, and also that they would be doing a semester abroad or at a different school etc. so I am gonna assume that this was a bon voyage cook out.

I know I may sound paranoid but bet you she comes on msn or hi5 posting pics from the occasion. I'm glad I refused to go but wonder how crazy she is to take me somewhere I would not be comfortable and around someone (her chick) I am not even friends with. (I met her once, and I also met the lesbian's "other friend" by chance another time and she was like "Oh this is (the) Taj" looking at me up and down sizing me up I guess to see if I was worth all the speculation from whatever they had discussed about me in the past. No I'm not Medusa you wont turn to stone and no I'm not a frothing at the mouth lesbian hater - I am simply uncomfortable when a friend tells me that for years they have been in love with me as if the friendship is supposed to go a step further)

True her aunt lives around the same area but something has to be up why she wouldn't just TELL ME. There is a cookout for so and so at xyz...she should know by now how anal I am about things like this.

Steups tryna bribe a broke student with free food. What a fucking acquaintence/ friend, talking to me on msn with all of that take care, god bless you bull.

isn't god bless you supposed to be a great tiding period, not to me it depends on who says it, to me its like black magic/hex if someone you mistrust or don't care for wishes you the best with god's force behind it.
Or less dramatically put its insincere.

I have hunches and a lot of the time they are sewn together from seemingly insignificant meaningless threads of information, however my intuition is usually dead on and I believe that bitch tried to bamboozle me into attending her girlfriend's goodbye party knowing full well that if I knew everything I would never attend.

Dishonest bitch.

I need some real friends in my life.


Oh and of course I'm still hungry...really hungry.

Hmmm I hear a lot of racket going on sounds like my housemate is moving out...I wonder if she will tell me bye or does she expect me to knock on her door and say bye?

I'm tired

I'm tired of fighting so hard, of being alone, of having no one to depend on or confide in.
I'm tired of trying to be strong and make sure that everything is okay
I'm tired of wanting a shoulder to lean on and getting someone's voicemail, or someone with an issue they need to talk about while I listen
I'm tired of not knowing when, or how to ask for help
I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself and regretting all the things that I don't have or never had
I'm tired of thinking with my heart instead of my head
I'm tired of mistrusting people even though they really don't deserve my trust
I'm tired of holding on tenaciously when I should have let go a long time ago
I'm tired of worrying 24/7 in my head without really being able to solve the issue regardless of how much I think about it.
I'm tired of wanting love, but it not manifesting myself
I'm tired of being sick and tired
I'm tired of being average
I'm tired of that boy who wants to be in my life but is too far away for it to mean anything tangible
I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of people not treating me with the decency that I treat them
I'm tired of having fair weather friends
I'm tired of being afraid to meet new people
I'm tired of being afraid to open up to others
I'm tired of being afraid of being vulnerable
Boy am I tired.