Rants

OkRant 1: I am so fed up of complaining about guys or hearing my girlfriends complain about guys. Scenario A friend meets a guy through one of my friends . He hits for six when he aggressively yet coolly takes her cell phone at the end of their inaugural meeting (in a party) puts his # in her cell then proceeds to call his phone from hers.
Points given for forwardness and the no bullshit vibe
What follows 1 1/2 weeks for til 4 am convos etc, even a weekend trip for a platonic hang out get to know you with a friend in tow. All dat and still cool
Next a no show for homecoming week end which was supposed to be a big deal. Also a now show for a group lime and he never called back to say he wasn't coming. He said he would call if he was coming.......and so on.
Sigh if he wasn't that interested why did he act interested? peer pressure? Cuz in typical fashion she told me "Dread he rhel cute" in a fairly loud voice with him nearby. I guess he figgered I can't let my friends see me pass up a seemingly sure thing that interested in me!

Now the icing on the cake is that in retrospect I think he was going to try to talk to me that night. I had hung out with the group b4 but we weren't introduced (the typical your guy friends think they already intro u to everybody they hang with). But that aside ppl really need to handle their biz.


Hmmm whatelse. I have to dodge people trying to tell me stuff like set me up for a meet and greet with their new potential SO (significant other) What could be so bad about that pretell you may ask. Hmmmmm maybe its because the person is a confused (read not out the closet yet lesbian) lesbian that had luv for you in the past. So while she is now makin her steps,albeit shaky, and accompanied by one step forward two back, you are required to bear witness to this discomforting ritual? process?

She is not gay yet if there is some falling out between them I hear her saying to her cuz oh i got dumped. You dont use dumped for a platonic relationship. So unknowingly I was along with 2 other friends (they are in the know i just pick up from tidbits of purposely, on her part, overheard convos) was summoned for the meet and greet.
So many things were goin thru my head. M (the lesbo friend with a 'former' hot for me) had asked another friend b4 if her chick was cute. In my head when i met her was anything is an improvement on you. She actually breaksin to figure out if the chick cute enough to get lime/deal with? Go figure

But in a purposefully overheard convo she mentioned that her chica is fed up of her and thought for her age she would have been mature and out the box. Hmmm maybe she got spooked when she tried to kiss her or push a dildo in her cunt what did she expect she girl is openly gay (not knocking her for it) but its like u know I'm gay and I'm tryna talk to you what u expect we hold hands.....given that sex between women is about as meaningful as them rubbing body parts or holding hands still that would be a problem.
I dont want to hear about your sexual "search" and the inherent awkwardness that lies therein I DONT WANNA KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. bUT how pathetic is my life that when I am so hungry i'm talking about seeing an oasis in the desert hungry thats they only person that would give me a ride to Chipotle. ;(

****Post edit the dinner link up with friends was supposed to thank us for being there for her despite her faults not an intro to her potential SO (whadever and ur as dumb as a rock if you believe that)


Talking about depending on people that FAIL to the highest extent! Why is it always something for something (Quid pro Quo) and why is it that I can't have a bad morning afternoon or night why does it NEED to be an entire day.
I think I am too nice to people. How does could you come over and chill and help me clean my room b/c I feel sick and miserable have a headache and have no flu meds or food and feel depressed cuz my room is messy turn into a massage and your desire for me to jerk you off. Safe to say I don't think we can be friends anymore and I don't hold grudges but I jus can't be the same around you anymore.
Its like I could never get to be just friends with a guy unless he is a blood relative or pretty damn near. And of course that incident brought up a long forgotten memory of why I stopped track....Actually that and a conincidental HI5 Friend Request.


The request was from this girl that I knew in high school about 5 yrs younger than me I know her fam and her cousins and her moms and sisters grew up near my mom....walking distance. So I browsed her page and she had pics of the fam...bro mom...but no dad and this is weird her parents are married and still married and that made my mind wonder........Hmmm I wonder if her dad ever tried to touch her inappropriately cuz he sure tried it with me........
"Gimme a Kiss" Me the dummy paused head cocked to one side like I was actually contemplating it.
The dumb 14 yr old excruciatingly obviously searching for a father figure actually asked "Where? What do you mean? On the cheek?" Having so many family friends and growing up in a genuinely loving environment had desensitised me to the dangerous loaded meaning of his words. Damn I was a stupid "kid".
He's like no and he has a smirk and a sorta uncertain look in his face while still projecting confidence. I hear team mates walking on the steps above us. We are in the storage room below the bleachers taking out hurdles and of course because it is To#$@* the lights don't work.
I freeze. Too late I sense the grimeyness of the moment and my throat constricts.
Does he know who my mother is? Has he taken leave of his senses? YOu dont do this to the coache's pet! You DON'T do this to me!
Uh oh he's getting up. True tough girl I pull myself up to my full height (still shorter than him), cross my arms and say " Umm no thanks" ever so politely and take the hurdles up.
He moves to help me and pins me against the wall all the while I have these heavy hurdles on one shoulder. He touches my face puts his face a nose length away (u know what I mean we were close) then steps away and I walk out cool as a cucumber pissed that my legs are exposed that I have on tights with no shorts and that he's probably looking at my asss.
To "show him" I stayed the entire practice, then nearly had a nervous breakdown as I walked by myself to catch transport after practice.
I knew I was never going to train with that club again or any club cuz there were no others (yeah I'm from a small place). I never went back to practice to train with him ever again. I never told anyone. I always wondered how could he could do that to me???? I wondered why he thought it would work? I swear the ppl that try to take advantage of me (shakes head). Yeah so back to his daughter I really wonder about her sometimes cuz I'm sure I wasn't the first or wasn't the last.

Hmmm no more dysfunctional memories but I'm just sooo tired of my happiness being out of my hands. That may sound impossible to all you fucking self help book reading nuts but its true. I am fed up and can't stand the many unfinished aspects of my life. I have recently come to the conclusion that I don't need a father in whichever way a current relationship with him will work. I won't act like he doesn't exist but I have realize that he will never have the impact in my life that he should. Also I need to develop the credo the past is the past what was can never be again. Just because all possiblilites of a relationship haven't been explored doesn't mean it deserves a 2nd or 3rd chance or a chance at all.
My desire would be to test it out give it every opportunity but that is a problem in both instances because of distance......I do not believe there is one soulmate for everyone so why halt my chances of finding a new one simply because I am trying and failing to make it with the current "soulmate?" for dire need of a better word.
I just want to know does this have the potential to work yes/no instead of being in the limbo of first figuring out how we can fix the situation to try to see of if could work. Contrary to my personal belief patience seems not to be one of my strong suits.
I am fed up pretending stuff doesn't bother me or I don't care simply not to appear like a nag or just a dissatified unhappy person but dammit I like definition I like things to be clear so much so that many times I cross that clearly delineated line (was that redundant) between honesty and offensive bluntness. Case in point a friend I've had sex with b4 said he would come across and chill and I quickly said if ur coming thinking there is the potential to fuck don't bother. This was just said in matter-of-fact Taj fashion with no hostility. I don't like to waste my time or anyone elses. Needless to say the person was highly offending saying we could have gone out for drinks and that he doesn't even wanna hang out now despite my sorries, apologies and entreaties (maybe I went overboard there I think sum total of my apology was "really {insert concerned face} oh I won't assume next time")
Needless to say they weren't appeased and I was sans aperitif that Thursday night. Damn I can't keep friends either way either I'm too nice or an abrasive jackasss Lord help me.

So after all this anyone heard about Janet Jackson's 18 yr old secret daughter. Damn that woman knows how to keep a secret.

***Sorry if this blog is garbled its always more eloquent in my head when I am NOT around a computer :(