The Tempest

not a good day

2008-01-30T20:45:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is another day
Tomorrow is a new day a new start
But where do the problems of yesterday go
(Tomorrow)
I guess I’m just caught between my heart and fear
Desperately wanting to thrive, to grow, to accomplish
But I hold myself back
That inner dialogue cripples me, mocks me, makes me withdraw in fear

maybe i'll finish this one sometime

-_-

2008-01-23T01:58:00.000-05:00

Ok so I had the most bleak christmas/new year of my life but I'm not going to bitch about it because it was all my fault.

It seems like I only blog if someone dies....sorry. My ex boyfriend's dad died. When he called me I could hardly make heads or tail of what he was saying (partly because it was 3AM) but when I realized who it was I immediately knew that this was the hour that this was the call he dreaded getting and making.
His dad had pancreatic cancer slim, fit, active (gym and choir practice), went on a cruise with his wife and a trip to England. Too bad it wasn't colon or prostate cancer at least it may have been discovered sooner.
I know you may laugh actually no the situation is sad enough that you wouldn't but you would probably doubt. Anyway. One night in undergrad we were asleep in the same bed (I think this was the pre virgin days) we just liked to fall asleep next to each other and luckily we lived in the same dorm. So we are fast asleep in dreamland and then he flies up straight in bed and sits at the edge of the bed. At first I just rearrange myself and try to drift back to sleep but then something sounds wrong so I sit up with him, he tried to turn his face away but he was crying.
Wow! Shock and I'm scared to ask him what happened?
Well, he dreamt that his father died and that was his worst nightmare. It was particularly scary since when he dreams that people die they really do. At the time he was 20 and this happened at least twice before.
So then came the period of calling home worrying and just trying to ask if his dad had all the necessary yearly checks that he should have. His brothers were puzzled by his questions everyone was like he's fine. But 2 weeks later the call came his aunt (father's sister died).

Hmmmmm. I don't think he ever mentioned the dream to anyone else. And I know I never mentioned it, but to see someone that you go to for comfort and advice so broken, sad and just empty its sad. Its sad because I really prayed for him and was convinced that he was as sick as he was because of the chemo not because the treatment wasn't working. I told myself...that's the point of chemo to bring you to the brink of death (healthy cells cancerous cells it doesn't discriminate). I hoped so much , he had made it through 2 cycles of chemo all he had to do was fight and try to eat sometimes. Alas it just wasn't enough in about 4 short months it was over.
Yes he was ailing, but he was going through cancer treatment he was supposed to be frail and sick, so no his death wasn't expected because he was sick, no he wasn't "on borrowed time".

So I was on the phone he's in Penn State and I'm in DC and I was just honest "I'm sorry, this is so sad. I don't know what to say to comfort you, but I wish I was there". I could hear his heart aching over the phone probably thinking of the wedding his father wouldn't attend (luckily his oldest brother had the foresight to not listen to anyone and got engaged and married -in within about 2 months while everyone was like move out first, build the house first, get married during the summer), the grandkids his dad would never get to teach the piano or how to cook or tinker with a car. I had to show him the accomplishments, the bright side: a marriage that lasted 30+ years, raising 3 sons all of whom are either physicists, engineers or financial advisors and real genuine gentlemen, he created a secure joyful home with tons of memories for them and his wife that he loved for years.
Unfair yes he was retired and having fun, he took care of himself and didn't abuse his body with cigarettes, drugs or alcohol. He had more life to live even at the age us young people consider "old". He was sweet and generous and opened his house to both me and my mom on many occasions; it was funny when me and J broke up we didn't even tell our parents, for that entire summer 3 months they thought we were still together and socialized on Sundays :) I guess we didn't want to break up their fun times together.
I feel it most for his mom. She's not a NY socialite of OC wife; she's not out there searching for companionship or he next great love. She's had it and I can't see herself opening up like that. I guess I empathize because I've seen the lonliness loss of a mate can bring. Til this day I don't know how my mom does/did it for soooo many years. I've lived that life for 2 years and it is so lonely.

Loss of a parent brings up that question: Is it worse to lose or to never have? J asked me this question and then stopped but the words were already out. Having a father for a while vs never having one...he knew what my answer would be and immediately felt insensitive for bringing it up. Nonsense could I really even get mad with you at a time like this? Really no it doesn't matter in each case hurt is hurt neither more deserving of pity than the other.

So we sat on the phone for about 10mins before he said he had to go. I knew he had to cry it out. I said call back any time ... and he did and it was okay just so that he knew the entire world wasn't turning oblivious to his pain and loss - I was there, pain is real, reality is inescapable, yet the spirit survives.

I'm glad that he decided to run home one last time before the semester started. He spent his birthday with his dad this year. He got to spend time with him not knowing when he would pass but acknowledging that life is frail. I'm glad he got that because I know what it is like to get there just a little late. When my paternal grandmother died I got there 10 minutes too late. I had come home on vacation from school and my first stop was going to be there after I made a trip to the supermarket and helped with the cleaning....too late. Too late to hear the last thing she had to say...too late to hold her hand as she passed on...too late to look in her eyes before they closed forever. I still went into her room to see her and part of me regretted it. I sat and held her hand (now cold) and just cried silently sooooooooooo angry at myself.

I remeber the first time that I met her it was at her husband's (my grandfather's funeral). I think I barely understood what was going on. I was about 6? 7? and in my school uniform ushered to a funeral of a person I didn't know yet whose blood intimately mingled in my own. At this point I think I still hadn't even met my father and barely grasped the concept that he had parents (also my maternal grandmother died the year I was born so I only had photos). That day I met cousins I never knew I had, and aunts and uncles, and visited a house that should feel like home to me. After that whenever I would remember there was this other life I belonged to I would make requests to my mom to visit and she would drop me off and I would stay for a few hours. I was most relaxed around my younger cousin but alas around everyone else I felt like a guest. Yes they treated me well but I always felt like a visitor, but then my grandmother would sit me down and ask me all sorts of questions and "see" me. She was going blind so when I visited she would touch the face to see if it was as she remembered it and claim yes for certain features she felt she had given me :) (probably not the boobs I lucked out on that inheritance), but the height and legs check she claimed those too. And she would never send me home empty handed even on the day she died she had them set aside snacks and a little trinket for me :-(

I'm sorry for the abrupt ending but I ....I don't know what else to write nothing runs into that last memory.

But J flew home over the weekend and I know him and his brothers are trying to be strong making all the funeral arrangements etc, and he says his mom is fine but I know behind her superwoman stance there is that private ache - don't mothers know how to hide it so well.

This helps

2007-12-24T14:26:00.000-05:00

Steps
1
Step One
Accept the fact that he doesn't feel the same way about you. If you continue to believe that there is a chance he will eventually love you, you will never move on.
2
Step Two
Understand the reasons why she doesn't feel the same way. Understanding the reasons for the unrequited love will help you to move past the situation and get over her.
3
Step Three
Stay positive. Don't let this situation cause you to have bitter feelings toward finding someone who loves you. It will lead you toward becoming a bitter and unhappy person.
4
Step Four
Get your mind off of him. Spend more time with friends and family, and surround yourself with those who love and care about you.
5
Step Five
Keep busy. Throw yourself into your work or hobbies. If you don't have any hobbies there are plenty to choose from so it won't be difficult finding one.
6
Step Six
Focus on your future. Nobody has ever moved forward by constantly looking back. Focusing on your future will make you take your focus off her.
7
Step Seven
Remind yourself of your good qualities. Just because one person does not love you does not mean you are not a good person. Remind yourself of that as often as necessary.
8
Step Eight
Go out on dates. It may be difficult at first because your heart may still belong to him but the worst that could happen is that you meet someone you like to hang out with. You never know, you may meet someone you really like that feels the same way about you.
9
Step Nine
Appreciate yourself. Realize that you don't need anyone to validate you and that you are still the wonderful person you were before the breakup. Remind yourself that most relationships don't work out and that your breakup isn't unusual. Work on gaining independence so that you can be just as happy alone as when you're in a relationship. That will make you more attractive.
10
Step Ten
If you've been left before, think of how you overcame that pain. You did it once, you can do it again.
11
Step Eleven
Don't feed the monster. After a week or two of grief, stop yourself from indulging conversations about your lost love or from obtaining information about them. In time, your grief will fade on its own, provided you let it.
12
Step Twelve
Ask yourself, "Why would I want to be with anyone who doesn't love me back?" You deserve better. You may discover you are repeating a pathology from your childhood, clinging to someone who doesn't appreciate you in an effort to win the approval you could not get from your parents. Seek professional help to dig deeper if you suspect this is true.

I have experienced #10 but never got over it. And, I've realized lately I suffer from #12, so I just need to work on me and occupying my time - just a little bit difficult since I will be spending xmas by my lonesome. I'll make it through tho.
***Don't be a hard rock when you really are a gem.***

Revelations

2007-12-22T14:28:00.000-05:00

I'm not really sure whether the sum total of my needed revelations have been revealed, but I've found out a few things.

1. I have no confidantes. Due to the childhood warning of keeping what happens at home private I'm unable to open up to people that I consider friends. I sometimes say I have no friends but if I'm being honest its more like I don't go out on a limb to treat them as friends when it comes to what's really going on with me.

2. I'm convinced I'm just one of those ppl that needed balance - I needed a father. As much bravado as I try to put forth, as much as a rationalize girls have grown up in brothels and survived, Anne Frank survived Nazi camps, ppl survive being orphans, being given up for adoption, beaten, abused, raped yet I feel like I just can't get over always feeling abanonned unwanted and at times jealous and resentful of my siblings.

3. As a result of being ignored, maybe ignored isn't the word...."unnoticed"....."unchecked up on" by my father I honestly feel any rejection I get from a male hurts just as badly as what I experienced from my father. Usually I'm good about choosing a boyfriend. They love me .... I love them back, they express interest and open up and I really decide "how do I feel about the person". But lately I've made some bad choices, I've been interacting with guys that aren't honest, that play around treat me like I'm the most enchanting person they have ever met one day, yet turn around and treat me like the little puppy that pissed on the carpet. Of course you are mad at it but its just so darn cute and helpless what's left to do but pity it.... The pitying isn't cute or endearing its been killing me slowly. I'm done trying to figure out the duality of their treatment it doesn't really matter, I can't change it however I want to change how I feel, by not subjecting myself to any sort of interaction with them. I've tried in the past and probably because of guilt he has apologized saying he knows what he did wrong and he's apologizing for "Everything". Hmmm what a wonderful catchall...everything. I really would like an itemized list to see if you REALLY know what you have done and how you treat me hurts. But being the open forgiving spirit I am, I erased the slate and you scribbled all over it again.

4. I am a procrastinator and I am afraid to reach for my dreams. As much as I frustrate myself because of my own actions I know there is someone who gets punished even more - my mom. I guess by hurting/ hindering my own progress I end up hurting her but I just wish everything could just affect me only. I really wish she could understand that I don't mean to hurt her.

5. I think I'm going to be alone all my life. It's funny how as a kid you think everything is just going to fall into place. You don't know how you are gonna get that job, house, husband, kids, friend etc but you see everyone around you with it so you assume there is some sort of manual or warehouse where you can just pick these things up when you get to the age where you should have them. Sadly not so. I just feel like I was ill-equipped for figuring all of this out. I was going to say I've figured out:

Love and go with the one who loves you....not the one that you love unrequitedly.

However, that's unfair. While you wait to discover the moment when you will be in love with boy 1 he is putting his all into everything and only getting a smoke and mirror relationship - not fair. And, since the one you love is an insensitive dick that just compounds your daddy issues the safest thing is to simply exist alone....as an island. This reminds me of a previous coworker on campus. A third party told me she just hated my guts yet I never did anything to her, the quote was that " I walked around all the time with this look on my face like I was entitled to something, like I was better than someone." Wow well I guess she just never met someone who had as many problems as I imagine for myself.

I cried myself to sleep last night and I've gotten into the habit of switching off my cell phone when I go to bed. When I get up I forget it was off and sometimes it stays off an entire day... no worries no one calls anyway unless its for sex or to go to the club or to talk about issues in their life or an ex. But last night/this morning/4AM I got reprimanded for it. My FB said he thought I was out of the country he couldn't understand why I would just switch my phone off. Of course the most absurd came to his mind first "are you effin someone else" instead of simply that "I don't want to be reached".
Its hard giving so much of yourself to others and not gettin anything that you want in return. I am a confidante for others yet I can't confide in them, I love someone yet they won't reciprocate, I love someone else yet can't be near them, I treat others as a friend yet they don't give me their quality time only requests for phone sex, sex, club companion etc. Is it that everyone is that busy with their lives that they can't care,??? they just take what they need and keep it moving.
No fuck buddy I haven't developed feelings for you I just want to feel human. I want the buddy part of the relationship otherwise just say that we fuck, otherwise let me know I'm not paranoid in thinking we were never friends. There is really no profit for me in this equation - just let me go please.

I want to be on hiatus from the world. Oh its Christmas......
Oh its New Year's.........

wow I hadn't noticed.

A very morose post after such a long hiatus. I really stumbled my way through 2007. It was a God awful mess and for all the harship and pain of the year I'm not sure if my revelations add up to the value of the year that I've lost. This is officially the worst year and lost year of my life. I wanted to diary this entire year but the lows were so low, to catalogue them would probably just aid me into banishing myself to an abyss of forever darkness.

So what am I going to do now?
Cook.
Cook some salmon, vegees and rice and just believe in myself that I can turn everything around. Trust that going through the darkest has shown me exactly where I don't want to be and instill in me the fire to drive and push for more...to continue to push for WHAT I AM WORTH!

Well

2007-02-06T17:55:00.000-05:00

I think I'm done with blogging as evidence by my long break.
I still have a lot of problems, still feel lonely and still have issues as regards certain aspects of my life...but guess what life still goes on and I will try to involve myself in it and live as well.

2006-08-27T15:51:00.000-04:00

Am I needy?

I don't think so.
Since Friday my phone has rung a total of 3 times, one was the lesbian, one was a friend from NY and the other was the Remax agent for the house I live in.

3 days, three calls 2 on one day 1 on another and 0 on one.

I can't even think of anyone in my phone book I would call - I mean I already called them during the week when my phone didn't ring at all so I think that I've used up my quota of calling them.

Its Sunday and my mom hasn't called. I wonder how come at least if thats the only call I expect to get come sunday morning...its now 3:50PM. Ah well I'm sure there's a good reason.

Why am I always on the fringes of my friends, confiding never at all to barely in few. Why do I feel the need to be like this?

2006-08-27T15:36:00.000-04:00

So I did well in a standarized test, who is to tell, who is there to congratulate me. In the grand scheme of things and the tempest in a teacup that is my life...is it even mentionable or celebratory?

I vote no - moving on.

ramblings

2006-08-27T13:21:00.000-04:00

Ok so my lesbian acquaintance or former friend whichever invites me to a cookout or whatever. She has recently moved into her grandmother's house who is in TnT sick and her uncle is in the process of migrating to TnT because his wife is already there legally unable to stay in the US anymore. So she has been fixing the place up etc.

So she invites me to it and says if I want to come ask my housemate if she is coming cuz she was invited too and if not she would give me a ride. Well I weigh the free food vs being around my housemate (we haven't spoken in a while, no animosity its just that she hasn't knocked on my door and I haven't knocked on hers) so I don't feel like going out and being all social with her, as well as the lesbian who I havent spoken to in a while - I'm wondering why she even invited me.

So I call and say I wont be going out to the house and she says well ok and it wasn't at the house anyway.
So I'm like, so where was it going to be?
In Hyattsville.
So I'm like since I dont know where its gonna be aight talk to you sometime.

How can you invite someone somewhere without giving them the facts of the occasion. Now the only thing I can come up with is that she was inviting me to her partner's place. When I was apt hunting she did mention that the person found affordable housing in that area, and also that they would be doing a semester abroad or at a different school etc. so I am gonna assume that this was a bon voyage cook out.

I know I may sound paranoid but bet you she comes on msn or hi5 posting pics from the occasion. I'm glad I refused to go but wonder how crazy she is to take me somewhere I would not be comfortable and around someone (her chick) I am not even friends with. (I met her once, and I also met the lesbian's "other friend" by chance another time and she was like "Oh this is (the) Taj" looking at me up and down sizing me up I guess to see if I was worth all the speculation from whatever they had discussed about me in the past. No I'm not Medusa you wont turn to stone and no I'm not a frothing at the mouth lesbian hater - I am simply uncomfortable when a friend tells me that for years they have been in love with me as if the friendship is supposed to go a step further)

True her aunt lives around the same area but something has to be up why she wouldn't just TELL ME. There is a cookout for so and so at xyz...she should know by now how anal I am about things like this.

Steups tryna bribe a broke student with free food. What a fucking acquaintence/ friend, talking to me on msn with all of that take care, god bless you bull.

isn't god bless you supposed to be a great tiding period, not to me it depends on who says it, to me its like black magic/hex if someone you mistrust or don't care for wishes you the best with god's force behind it.
Or less dramatically put its insincere.

I have hunches and a lot of the time they are sewn together from seemingly insignificant meaningless threads of information, however my intuition is usually dead on and I believe that bitch tried to bamboozle me into attending her girlfriend's goodbye party knowing full well that if I knew everything I would never attend.

Dishonest bitch.

I need some real friends in my life.

Oh and of course I'm still hungry...really hungry.

Hmmm I hear a lot of racket going on sounds like my housemate is moving out...I wonder if she will tell me bye or does she expect me to knock on her door and say bye?

I'm tired

2006-08-20T19:45:00.000-04:00

I'm tired of fighting so hard, of being alone, of having no one to depend on or confide in.
I'm tired of trying to be strong and make sure that everything is okay
I'm tired of wanting a shoulder to lean on and getting someone's voicemail, or someone with an issue they need to talk about while I listen
I'm tired of not knowing when, or how to ask for help
I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself and regretting all the things that I don't have or never had
I'm tired of thinking with my heart instead of my head
I'm tired of mistrusting people even though they really don't deserve my trust
I'm tired of holding on tenaciously when I should have let go a long time ago
I'm tired of worrying 24/7 in my head without really being able to solve the issue regardless of how much I think about it.
I'm tired of wanting love, but it not manifesting myself
I'm tired of being sick and tired
I'm tired of being average
I'm tired of that boy who wants to be in my life but is too far away for it to mean anything tangible
I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of people not treating me with the decency that I treat them
I'm tired of having fair weather friends
I'm tired of being afraid to meet new people
I'm tired of being afraid to open up to others
I'm tired of being afraid of being vulnerable
Boy am I tired.

ying yang

2006-07-26T22:20:00.000-04:00

So I have yet another person to delete from my MSN list because they have died....so I log on today and there was this thing I didn't notice before...A pending request for personal information...I have never even bothered to activate my MSN space.

Of course the request was from Sean.....we chatted all the time but he wanted me to open my space and blog or do pics....I guess me filling out my profile and personal info would have been step one :(. I don't think I'm gonna even bother.

That raised the question should I share my blog with those close to me regardless of what I've written here. Regardless of who I've decided I love or who I love but not romantically anymore, with details of trysts....Is it worth it.

Would I want them to read these facts of my life or is it stuff I wouldn't want them to know anyway.

I'm getting a little paranoid these days. Ihave no kids. I think someone would benefit from carrying my genes but I don't see any baby making in my near future. So whats gonna happen to me??? where is the mini Taj gonna come from if I die randomly and suddenly?

Oh I am excited....but I haven't really shared it with anyone.

Guess what.

I'm gonna be an auntie and weirdly I'm excited,,,weird since I only met my sister a little less than a year ago. If I scrounge through my purse I can probably still find the reciept of the restaurant where we had dinner...my treat of course I just wanted to lavish her with attention, stories as if she could catch up on 20+ years in a few hours.
Hmmmm maybee I should let her read this blog sorta like cliff notes.

I thinkthe woman would probably be scared.

But honestly I'm excited I'm name hunting and secretly hoping to visit once the baby is born.

I'm excited, so excited.

too young too sudden

2006-07-22T00:47:00.000-04:00

From the time he started talking....the tone of his voice I knew something was wrong but to not appear paranoid I asked if he had gotten lost. What I really expected him to say was that he just got into an accident.

Well that wasn't it "T I just got some news that ummmmmmm. well Sean drowned. He drowned in a lake in Seattle. His sister just called Peter and he called me. They were unable to recussitate him...

Me: Silence

Well we were on our way to VA to the lime do you still wanna come everybody else just found out.

Me: ummmm no thanks I'll just see yall when you get back.

Paul/Pablo is dead
now Sean is dead.

This time I actually cried right away...has it even been a month yet and yet another friend has died suddenly.

Someone who was fun had a great life was caring sweet funny and I'm not just saying this b/c he is dead he really was all of these things...

Age ain't nuthin but a number.

2006-07-21T09:13:00.000-04:00

So yesterday was my ex-BF birthday...Yeah he is a Cancer and excellent proof that maybe sometimes you should note the zodiac compatible love signs thing...

He's 31. I'm the age I am right now and I'm not even sure if I would date a 30 year old. When I was in high school he had already finished. What the hell was I thinking. Even when we broke up I was still liking him... not completely sure if I loooovvvvved him, but it actually was difficult getting over him. I really had to act like he didn't exist, no phone calls, no long talking in public and of course that let him to ask all and sundry their opinion on what he should do giving more specifics than I would like about our relationship...then that made me have to call and just curse him out - on numerous occasions. Then I realized that any attention he got was positive for him so I then had to learn to be really cold and have no reaction. Act like nothing he did ever bothered me.
Well Iguess I stayed the same and he matured so we can actually hang out now, but sometimes he acts like any second he may wanna kiss me or try to rekindle the past. I do consider him my friend but I still proceed with caution.
...

2006-07-19T15:16:00.000-04:00

Life without options...thats how I feel about my life but someone else loooking in would say different. Maybe its not a lack of options but distaste for the ones that I have.
grrrrrrrr

I guess I'm growing up more everyday.

Fin pt2

2006-07-14T15:52:00.000-04:00

I think I'm woman enough to admit defeat and realize when something isn't working. Thats why I'm moving back home. I'll miss the independence that I've been accustomed to since 18 but I think it would be easier for me to go in the direction I want to without worrying about all the things that are constantly on my mind.
The lease is up in august...perfect timing.
Friends will be busy with work and significant others and school so I can just move quietly out of here and really start to live a purpose driven life.
I never realize that I'm going through a phase until its almost over, at the time I feel like this phase defines my entire existence, and now I'm a little more aware, a bit of the cloud has lifted and all that is left for me to do now is plan, plan, plan - something I have avoided because I cannot stand things NOT going exactly how I want them to despite careful planning. But, that is life sometimes no amount of planning works and I will just have to learn to deal with that and hope for the best.

Fin

2006-07-10T13:29:00.000-04:00

I think I'm better I think I'm finally over it.

I think I've just woken up a bit and been inspired to live a little more in the right ways and really try to fulfill the potential that I know I have.
Be a little more confident and still go for what it is I want in life even though the path has had a few obstacles that discouraged and disappointed me for a while.

Nothing in life is promised and Paul has shown me that. I'm done bellyaching and moping about it. Time to move on.

so yeah another post about death

2006-07-06T20:45:00.000-04:00

I've for most of my life been the person who didn't go to funerals. I think the straw that broke the camel's back was when I went to my best friend's grandfather's funeral . I was really close, I sat with them and I was given a flower to throw on his coffin. I guess to see her cry and seeing her mom sobbing and, to me at 6/7 yrs old, being hysterical just didn't cut it.
I made it clear to my mother that henceforth don't ask me to go to any funerals, I would volunteer if I wanted to.
The last funeral I remember going to was my high school teacher, she had suffer for 2 years with breast cancer. Oh, and I forgot my paternal grandmother's funeral and that was another episode in itself. I had just come home on vacation the night before and I was going to see her the next day. I was about to leave home only to get a call that I was already too late. Sigh.

So what I came on to write about was grief. I'm reading up a bunch of stuff off of websites because not only have we all lost a friend, I feel like I'm losing another due to guilt. This friend is the lucky one the one who got dropped off just before the accident happened; he's the one who replays that early morning searching for some way of knowing, for some way of preventing what happened.

How was the funeral was a stupid question to ask but how do I ask; did you cry? Do you want to talk about it?
You say everything is fine anyway.
I make time and buy a phone card to call overseas just to let you know that I'm there for you and you were nice, you even joked around...but if I feel the way that I feel from where I am...I can imagine how you feel saying bye to someone then getting a call that someone you just touched is now dead.....thinking that you happened to get dropped off then and probably could have been in the car as well.
Sigh.
I just have to keep on taking deep breaths and hope that eventually you say something...express something.

:(

2006-07-05T19:08:00.000-04:00

It's weird. Today I deleted him as a messenger contact. Now people usually do this when they don't want to talk with someone anymore, but this time I know it's because he could never reply or sign in again. I hope someone in his family can disable his hi5 account or maybe I'll just do myself a favor and delete him from my friend list.
Death is so ridiculously permanent.
Sigh

Ok

2006-07-05T09:47:00.000-04:00

So I had a reality check. What's love got to do with it? Nothing. I don't need to verify what he said before, there will be no more talk of moving, and my feelings for him don't exist anymore.
Him as a confidante probably won't happen anymore since it probably works out as an ego thing rather than a I care about you thing.

I'm not angry just resigned. I see it now. I see it clearly.
Sex is sex, love is love and the two were never present together.
I'm not going to ask why he said this or did that; I can only control my actions and emotions and thats what I'm going to do.

I think this time he is really going to get erased. It's really not a benifit to me and it's just not healthy.
So for me it's either a hibernation starts or just destructive behavior. I am gonna try really hard to be positive about everything else going on in my life right now.

So

2006-07-04T15:25:00.000-04:00

So today is the funeral, my mom went to his house the other night and she is going to the funeral.
Wow
I haven't really cried yet, I don't know how come, but a lot is going on in my life now, so maybe its all to much and crying would just result in my hibernating in my room and that is absolutely not what I should be doing now.

Too young to die

2006-07-01T20:17:00.000-04:00

And another daughter grows up without her father.

There is so much more I can say about him but It wouldn't even be sufficient. It wouldn't even adequately express what I want to say.

Rest In Peace Paul

Doesn't he know the word sorry?

2006-07-01T19:28:00.000-04:00

It's amazing when people try to answer a question which clearly required a yes/no answer with sort of or maybe.
What does that mean? and thats exactly what I asked, and he chose to say yes.

It's strange I trust him and think its just talk then look what happens, and unless he said something I would never have known. Who knows how many times it happened?

An explanation or sorry would be nice because the way I see it that doesn't just happen, you have to decide to do it.

Strange even after he got me pissed I didnt do the typical turn my back to him and fall asleep. I probably actually snuggled and spooned with him.
And another time after we had sex I gave him a practically full body massage.

What is this? I swear I don't even know myself anymore.

_____________________________________________________
Aside from the above issue:
I have no idea why I confided in him. I usually deal with stuff on my own esp. stuff that people can't help me with ie you can't make the situation better or help so why involve you in my misery?

I guess I was panicked so he was the 1st person I called and now that I've had a chance to really think he is going to be the only person I call about that problem. And I STILL can't believe I called him.

Its strange just this week I was thinking I need someone to lean on, depend on and open up to, trust- ie I want not need - a boyfriend. I was going to call a guy I met but with new situations I basically deleted his number. You can't add uncertainty on top of chaos. I'll just keep it simple and open up here.

It's tough though to have friends and family and still feel alone.

_______________________________________________________
BTW why does my ex always ask me about my sex life. I know he doesn't really want to know and I don't like being a liar cuz I know he would blow a gasket at the truth.

Why why why does he ask?

What am I to say the 2 persons you are paranoid about well I've had sex with them one of them I've said I love you to.

So when you ask if me and the guy were dating what am I supposed to say.
I've had sex in the past 6months and haven't been dating so who am I supposedly having sex with?
Ans: Some cowboy that rides into town once a year that I drop my panties immediately to have sex with. How do I explain that?
Ans: Obviously someone that I know from before.
Who? do I know him?
I know thats where this convo is going because if I haven't been dating for the year (fact) then who have I gotten to know so well that I've decided to have sex with them?

What do I do?

I have no idea what to name this

2006-06-26T23:19:00.000-04:00

Ok so he is gone again miles and miles , thousands of miles away so far that he has connnecting flights, so far that there is a time difference between us even though we are in the same country, so far that it takes 300+ to fix the problem of distance perfunctarily.

So I starved myself the entire day. He said he would stop by on his way to the airport, after 1PM but he wasn't sure exactly when. The flight leaves at 6PM. So I was holding out waiting on him so that I could take lunch whenever he was going to pass by. You know I am so stupid 3PM then 3:30 came and I was still holding out hope.

So for me its all about what you do. HOw come you can come over at 2am to have sex but can't pass by to say goodbye or can't even call to say you can't make it.

I know he doesn't like goodbyes but sometimes it's not all about you, and I'm paranoid now because if your words and actions don't match up something is wrong. Besides that it sounds like the excuse a girl makes when she is really into someone but they are still lukewarm or cold even. "Oh he just doesn't like goodbyes" {insert eyeroll}

So I 'm sure I heard you say I love you but you can't pass by and say goodbye? Or even call and offer a reason why you can't see me before you leave.
Maybe you regret saying it, maybe you did mean to say I love your pussy or I love it when you suck my dick and you just got carried away and actually said I love...then grunted and I took that grunt for the word "you".

So I'm pissed about that and I 'm pissed because whatever excuse he offers: whether we miscommunicated or he was pressed for time etc i will take it, forgive him and still want him.

Until this happened earlier I was thinking that I just needed to ask him point blank..."What will it take for us to work?" What would I have to do?
Would me moving solve it?

Because that's how I feel at this stage I want no more of holding on to feelings that I can't express or I'm afraid to express.
I just want this to be done with...can we be in a relationship? How feasible is it? How would we make it work?
If the answers are: No, not very, not at all then just release me.
Release me to move on cuz having love with no outlet is torture, because having love without knowing how someone truly feels about you is torture, b/c not being confident about how someone feels about you is distressing.

It's not about sex...I know I'm drawn to you, I know I really like you, I feel like I love you but I love myself more. And my love for you depends on how you treat me. If you constantly make me feel like I went to work naked and everyone is staring then that doesn't encourage me to relax about my feelings and embrace them.
Maybe that's what you want? Maybe you can sense my emotions and just want me to have zero expectations.

I really didn't think 4 days would bring me back to this point of constantly thinking about you, but it did.

Time to find a distraction.

The Anatomy of I love you

2006-06-24T08:11:00.000-04:00

Ok so this blog is going to be sort of backwards because when I felt all of these things I couldn't write because I had no time; and subsequent to that new events happened to change my perception of what I thought before. However I will try to provide an unedited version (sans 20/20 hindsight) of what I thought before.
Sufficiently confused?
Ok let's proceed.

So I am walking home from work on Wednesday thinking of how heartless I am and lamenting that I can never feel in love with someone.
Recently I have been having the bomb ass, tell your friends, quiver in your spine, female ejaculation type, instantly wet when you even know he's coming over sex and orgasms.
Now mind you an entire year before I felt like I loved this person, but fastforward a year (to now) without seeing him and basically pinning for him and he shows up with his excellent dick and it's back to how it was....well kind of, let me explain.

Now the sex was great but it didn't have the same rush for me. The same rush that would have me tell him during sex, "...anything you want just tell me I'll do it....what can I do better?....what do you want me to do?
Actually I still did say that but I can't explain it was still different from a year ago.
The reason why it was different was because I was trying to be emotionally unattached. I didn't want by having sex with him to get back in that emotional place of loving him again.
So if our sex was typically a 20 on a 10 point scale then the sex rating drops to 15 without the "emotional stuff"....see and yes on its own the sex is still that good.

I don't like to be played around with and made to wait.
I think I am reason enough to be visited and be the sole reason for that visit.
He said he didn't agree, he wouldn't visit where I live for just me, that there would be multiple reasons for the trip.
So in that entire year wait thing, I got accustomed to not calling him every week, trying not to just update him on every event in my life. I deleted his number from my phone and only would have it for as many entries as my incoming calls would hold (meaning if he called me I had his number).

In my opinion I made it clear that I cared about him a lot but he doesn't really see that I gave him the knowledge that the like was so deep. So for this past yr I was a little disappointed about us location/distance between us.
Also I don't know what I expected to happen because love doesn't change much.

And I think the worst was actually telling him that I loved him a year ago.
Now I would not have said a word, but while we were having sex he made me look in his eyes and he asked me how I felt about him... I was panicked, so far it was all about us clicking well sexually and having a good enough interaction that even when not having sex we still enjoyed each others company.
He asked, Taj how do you feel about me? and our faces are millimeters away and he is looking right in my eyes.

Time is going by, he is waiting for a response and my mind is racing: why did he ask me that? I've already told him that I like him and I care (= I love you), but do I really tell him that, isn't that a boy/girl dating no no?
So I swallow really hard and just say it...I love you and I said it more than once.
After that I tried to bring it up but it seems like being so caught up in sex he didn't even remember what I described above.

So I'm walking home knowing the sex is different because of the mistrust (the I love you incident plus the fact that living out of state he wouldn't come to my state just to visit me). I distrust handing my heart over to him to get it stomped on.
For me to fully enjoy myself in sex my heart has to be in it and since my heart was effectively put on pause a year ago the 20pts sex was out the window.

So he is in town and I'm having sex with him and on the walk home I'm trying to decide whether I probably am still in love with him but trying to ignore it to protect my heart and just come to the conclusion that it's good sex nothing more and way less.
So I come to the conclusion that I love him differently, I'm not constantly thinking about him like before - I'm not infatuated anymore and I'm willing not to fall back into the infatuation just because we are having sex and spend time together for 4 days.

Ok so that's the end of what I would have written and that's how I felt on Thursday evening.

Ok so now on Thursday night we are together again and since I'm writing this on Sunday I am doubting myself.
So we talk during sex ....Fuck me, oh you are so hard, fuck me harder, nibble on it, grab, squeeze, suck, oooh it feels so good, hmmmm I love your dick, I love how you feel, It's all yours this is your dick etc

So when I hear the phrase I love... I'm thinking he's gonna finish and say pussy. I love your pussy.
But then I think he says: I love you, I love you and I'm just doubting myself. And he is looking at me again straight in my eyes less than an inch from my face and he is holding my face and I can't look away.
Then he puts a stroke inside me and my pussy flutters, he puts another stroke inside me and my mind just gets lost. Then he says it again, "I love you" and we kiss. And my first instinct is to look away to avoid his eyes because I don't want to say it, I don't want to open up, but I can't look away, but I know that I do still love him, so again I tell him that.
I love you.

So we both love each other now, but I'm not 5 years old anymore. Sometimes love isn't enough to make stuff work so who knows what is gonna happen now?

BTW of course now I am second guessing what I heard.
Kinda like the power of suggestion like maybe I wanted to hear him say I love you and maybe he was saying something totally different.
I swear he said it more than once but now I'm thinking he never said it that I was mistaken.
Sigh I'm pretty sure he did but....
I guess that's why he didn't want to visit and just see me, he wasn't sure if it was worth it since he wasn't sure if he liked me that much.

One thing I know for sure he's definitely not going to discuss it.

Unfinished

2006-06-18T10:17:00.000-04:00

Ok so as a concentration break at work I guess I came up with this random lil thing. I was supposed to finish it but guess what it has been 2 weeks. Yeah I want somewhere permanent for it and I know I would either lose or throw away that sticky I wrote it on.

I run through the days focussed singlemindedly on the day that I will see you heedless of the wasted days in between.
What an existance!
When will I wake up?

It's weird

2006-06-14T01:03:00.000-04:00

It's weird today I missed my ex
Now I probably miss him everyday except now it's sort of like an underground underlying ache it might as well not exist. some hurt/ache is there but it is not at the forefront of my mind. This dull ache is way different from the acute JP pangs I had today.

I came home and missed the familiarity of someone... of not arguing over the remote control cuz he was happy watching what I wanna watch unless basketball was on. The enjoyment of having someone to cook with of having someone to fall asleep next to.
Just last night I had to call a friend to have random conversation with till I felt tired enough so that as soon as I landed on that pillow I would fall asleep.

That reminds me you know what I am going to call that guy tomorrow. I swear I am, I promise that I am.

Maybe it's the alcohol that has me in such a refective mood. I must say my cousin makes a meannnnn cosmopolitan. Yummm. Oh today was my lil cousin's 8th grade graduation and boy was she excited. It was a nice evening ending with us eating a lot and us sipping on cosmos. Maybe it was her asking about Us or the realization that besides him and I they have no other concept of me in a relationship. I dunno

BTW isn't it weird some of the stuff a cut buddy will do for you....stuff even your "friends" may not do? Of course their motivation is different but its nice when ppl don't treat you like chopped liver if you are not having sex with them.

Oh and another thing my ex lesbian crush person...it is sooo disheartening when thats the only person willing to do stuff with you. I don't play tennis cuz I don't have a partner mind you she called saying she wants to play, going to the movies she always asks if I have seen xyz and I say no then go by myself.
It's sad when you don't trust the person who wants to spend the most time around you doing the stuff that you want to do. Worse that this person is willing to be there when your "friends" are busy with life.

Thinking a little today I've realized that I've chosen a lot to be lucky in love or happy emotionally rather than achieving personal goals and that scares me...when did I become "that girl". That kind of girl that right now would rather be happily married (maybe) with someone she loves rather than stand alone striving for the 90s woman ideal with 60 work weeks all for the desire to be "independent" and liberated and whatever else convinces them that they are happy.

I think I am scared to verbalize stuff for the fear that it never comes to pass.

Well that is changing: I've known this for a long time.....I WANT BETTER
But this is the first time I've said it, now I need to start planning.

He is my son too.

2006-06-04T11:03:00.000-04:00

I'm trying not to sound like I'm crying lest my mom never tell me about anything thats going on at home. I mean since freshman year all I would wanna do on the phone calls is shoot the breeze and keep in touch with what is going on at home, you know the normal stuff: the random little girl secrets your cousin will tell you, some outrageous reasoning your lil cuz had, who was sick, who had a new girlfriend etc...I've never had these convos with mom...

So I'm crying as I ask, "Mom does he know what they do to kids on the street? Does he know what they do to little boys." Even though he is 15 thats how I see him as a little boy as someone who could be my son, after all I raised him part time every evening after school...when older ppl tell you I changed your diaper, for me that was not a one-time event it was Mon-Fri from 4-8PM my bedtime. I changed and played with you while your mom caught up on the laundry or took a nap, or a shower, cooked dinner, washed her hair or just got a chance to sit.
And I love you dearly and for the last 6 years since I left for school it's like your big cousin has just dropped off the face of the earth. The annoying big cousin who demanded a hug and peck on the cheek, the big cousin who would ask what YOU wanted for xmas instead of buying some crap, the big cousin who would take you to the movies and endure sitting in the very front row cuz you thought that was the best seat in the house, lol then we would have KFC after and even though I love your brother and sister the same yet differently you must know that you were my favorite. You were the first with your long Sampson-like ponytail and cherub cheeks, an Aquarian like me and sensitive oh so sensitive and oh how you longed to be just like Daddy and seek his approval...Too bad too late he realized that to be the disciplinarian he didn't have to shout. I know you tried to be a brave boy but when you are 6 and acting up and someone that is 6' 3" bellows at you all you wanna do is run and hide, all you wanna do is bite your fingernails to take away from the nervousness.
As much as I tried to explain to you that he loves you, as much as I tried to let you into the secret that neither of your parents are much of a disciplinarian it just fell on your dad's shoulder's since he is more imposing... you could never believe me that he is the Teddy Bear I espoused him to be.

I'm not blaming your dad totally cuz your mom left some gaps in there too but you know what I am blaming your dad because I feel just as abandonned as you. How DARE he cheat on your mom...
HOW DARE HE JUST MOVE OUT LIKE THAT AND LIVE SOMEWHERE ELSE
HOW DARE HE ABANDON HIS FAMILY LIKE HE NEVER HAD ONE ACTING AS IF BEING IN TOUCH BY CELL PHONES HE PROVIDES IS THE SAME AS COMING HOME SEEING HIM EVERY MORNING AND NIGHT
HOW DARE HE LEAVE THE HOUSEHOLD WITHOUT A CAR TRANSPORT

HOW CAN YOU BE MARRIED NOT DO ANY PROCEDINGS FOR A SEPARATION AND LIVE WITH AND FUCK ANOTHER WOMAN.

YOU HAVE 3 KIDS AND A WIFE

HOW CAN YOU NOT CARE BECAUSE IF YOU CARED YOU WOULD HAVE STAYED
IF YOU CARED YOU WOULD NOT HAVE DONE IT LIKE THIS.

No one even told me this... I mean my ex tried to tell me but because I knew my uncle...I said you're mistaken, things get taken out of context...even if he flirts with her (your mom) she is married too she wouldnt entertain anything remotely like that.
Well how wrong was I.
Your mom left your stepdad and is now with my uncle and somehow I think both parties are still married with no thought of divorce procedings.

I guess you see Yasmin as some bitch that took your dad away but I've known her for years and loved her.
This situation is so fucked up.

Was it while all this was snowballing you decided that you were fat.
I never remember what I blog so maybe I spoke about this before but if not here it is.
You had your baby fat you hadn't even hit puberty yet, you were up to my chest barely and now your head is inches above mine...could you have given yourself a chance to grow?

No you made the leap to high school and was so out of depth. Dad's van that you thought was so cool when you were young you realized was just a bread van...cuz he is a baker, you didn't have a Sega or Nikes or any other of the brand name stuff ppl had, you didn't look poor you just weren't blinging, worse yet your cousin (older by 2 years) who you were friends with ever since was blinging in the popular crew at school and ignoring you.

What's a boy to do? Re-evaluate himself and see what he needed to change to gain friends because noone was there to tell you it will get better, that kids your age are superficial and that things like these would actually help you to make REAL friends not the "good time friends".

So you decided that you were fat that you had a belly which you did, but with the years I had on you I knew that there would be that summer that you would just shoot up and blossom throwing off that little bit.
But no you devised your own solution and started pinning your vest to the inside of your pants to give the idea of a flat not bulging front and belted your waist so tightly....(sigh) and belted your waist so tightly you cut yourself and doing this continually for an entire school year that cut healed eventually as a huge piece of growing flesh about six inches long and so thick. The cut pained you and you walked differently because of it but you still continued to do it b/c you were insecure about yourself because so much was going on in your home environment that you could not control. It was only because of that cut and the pain it caused that your dad noticed you wincing at certain times...holding things differently, being awkward when you lifted stuff.

And now you walk around bare backed unabashed with that reminder and I never asked you how you got it but it was your dad that told me about it...
I know you don't know that. So if he was somewhat at home then and it took him an entire year to realize what you were doing to yourself what about now when he is around less because he is tending to two households?

So after he stopped you from doing that was that when you decided you needed an overhaul thats when you decided to go on your shake diet and lose about 50 pounds. I almost didn't recognize you, the deep base the scraggles of chin hair, and the height.....you lost 50pounds and that's when nature decided you would have your growth spurt leading to an unnatural gaunt looking appearance. In my class in high school some guys did have that appearance but that was actually puberty, yours was produced by a confluence of experimentation that had me worried when I saw you but of course I couldn't criticize I had to say you looked great ... great as you are and that continuing the diet would make you look bad...that what you needed to do was probably eat more and lift weights to get buff...no cardio...I don't know what I was saying but anything to get him to stop his weight loss regime and eat food. I swear if he were as dedicated to studying as he was to losing his weight that singlemindedness would make him a dangerous force to be reckoned with.

So I left at xmas knowing everything was turning to shit but thinking hey its already there how much worse can it get.
And then you tried to run away getting on a boat to go somewhere with your cell phone but with no idea how to get to help?

TWICE!!!!!!

Do you know what they do to kids on the street?
Did you think about it?
Do you think that's what you are worth?
How did I go wrong? I feel like I failed you. How can you not see that you are a King in my eyes and worth so much more than that.

Now you have to see a psychologist. I saw one briefly when I was young and having Daddy issues I stopped because I never felt comfortable opening up and crying so I faked it and asked that it be discontinued and till this day I don't know if it helped me keep my sanity or just delay something...who knows what it is.

And now you are set back in life because you have gotten permission because of undue home stress you don't have to do your CXCs how ridiculous is that?
How did the family even engineer that. I know that they can't force you but you are not focussed and getting away with it once does that mean you will try again next year...and the way our society is having no passes relegates you to being a street cleaner, mixtape seller, natural oils and rasta hats seller along the street passing your days in seamless monotony.
At least they have a plan saving towards something, using it as a first step to something else. However, I can see you being comfortable there OR doing what your father did taking the family responsibility of the bakery and sacrificing your dreams.
Do you have dreams?
Are you afraid of wanting better for yourself?

Your grandfather died young from a heart attack and even though your dad was the second oldest (having an older brother) he stepped up to the plate managing the business and taking over while his younger sister sought her fortune in America and has a PhD and is now living in Italy with her son and Jamaican husband yet while when she was 18-25 living fast in NY running up all sorts of bills with the easily gained credit cards it was between your dad and your mom that constantly sent money for her to "be young" and discover herself.

Don't even let me talk about your uncle. I can't even come down on him...every one loves him but he's just selfish that's his personality it's a joke and doesn't stress anyone out cuz "that's how he is". He is the oldest but your Dad put in the work and made the life sacrifice. Maybe that's why your Dad feels no guilt now doing and being where he feels happy.

Where are you going?
I love you but where is your life going?
This just make me put more pressure to ask myself these questions and have answers because they are not helping you.
Because it is my duty and because I love you and want to help you.

Don't think that I don't care about your brother and sister but Cheneyse is playing the mommy game, spying on your dad and working both over to get material things so I don't think she is even focussing on hurt or abandonment, I think she is in the Goodfellas mode ie "FUCK YOU PAY ME".... and to her credit its working. Money to buy clothes, a post paid cell phone etc, no curfew, "friends" passing by the house to check her, and free reign to gossip about "big people business" not appropriate for a 13 year old to be up front and center in her parent's domestic business.

Then there is David, the little lion, he is the youngest and knows what is going on but he is so unaffected. Even when yall were young things that would make you self concious didn't bother him...he just is so certain of his being and his personality. He makes friends easily is a leader and has always been sure of himself at a young age and strangely enough has never seemed intimitated by you as an older brother. So David is the little lion always with his red, gold and green lion chain, putting fake earrings in his left ear, charming girls old and young alike (he really is a cutie) and basically has his own thing going on, the fact that daddy isn't there is a non issue to him. If he needs something he'll just call him up and leave a message. Seemingly unaffected I guess with time we will see.

So, in a nutshell thats what made me cry this morning.
I just feel like if I was there things could be NO things would be different.
I can't make my uncle stay with his wife, but I could definitely be an extra pair of eyes, an extra pair of younger ears willing to listen when you want to say stuff that you are not sure who its safe to say it to or how to express it.
Where are you going, what is going to be your life?
You are still young, it's not too late to begin to carve your path!

***POST EDIT
The only saving grace is his girlfriend. During xmas I went with him to the jewlrey store to pick out the gift with money he saved. And no he didn't get played he got a shiny thingy of equal value from her. I was glad when I saw that, it showed that he wasn't being used. He sees her all the time. She like him works in her father's business, a pharmacy, all along the same street. So as he walks to go work in the bakery he stops by and hangs out a little bit. I tease him about her, I ask him if he doesn't like girls with butt, cuz she is indian LOL. She seems to be good for him if through all this turmoil they are still together. I hope she gives him good advice, I know she can't make him not run away but I hope she's doing her part...some sort of stability in his life. I hope her parent won't interfere in their relationship whether racially motivated or because they see the relationship as toxic.

It's weird how everything could be falling apart in your life, but if you have love it makes it just a little more bearable.

2006-06-03T13:25:00.000-04:00

Ok so I have a job now and I was catching up on bloglife over the weekend while watching some good tennis. Those Parisians are wild thats the first time I've ever seen the crowd do a wave at a tennis event.
Anyway I am checking the counter stats and checking the referrers ie. where the ghosts that visit this page come from...cuz they sure as hell don't post. Personally I think the numbers come from people clicking the next blog button.
So one of the visitors did a blogger search : "he cums too quick"
Ridiculous right
So I click on it and 2 blogs come up with the exact phrase because of the quotation marks.
Ridiculous that someone searches for that exact phrase I mean why would anyone want to search for that....far less for there to be ONLY two blogs with that phrase...I mean this is blog land is my blog so R rated I expected there to be wayyyyyyyy more than 2 results even with the quotation marks.

I'm laughing my ass off but I am also confused. Did they really wanna find that or were they searching for my blog...yeah I know that conceited paranoia thing again....but this is just bizarre.

the Summer Anthem

2006-06-02T19:15:00.000-04:00

Read dese lyrics here, his swagger is soo sexy I luv an aggressive guy:
T.I. - Why you wanna

[Chorus]Go and tell a nigga no, wit a ass so fat
Hey why you wanna go and do that love, huh
Hey-Hey why you wanna go and do that, do that
Hey-Hey why you wanna go and do that-that-that
In a relationship been faithful to a nigga so whack
Hey why you wanna go and do that love, huh
Hey-Hey why you wanna go and do that, do that
Hey-Hey why you wanna go and do that-that-that..aye-aye

[T.I.]
Can't help but notice how you glowing, I can see in yo face
Now I just wonder if he know he close to being replaced
Swear I treat you like a queen you put me in his place
So you can give back his ring and the key to his place
Tell the nigga one thing that you need yo space
Selling niggaz is one thing you don't need to chase
I wanna kiss you everywhere between yo knees and waist
Hear the sounds that you makin, get yo knees to shake
Holla at me in the A, you feel you need to escape
I gotta mansion and a gate, you wit me you safe
A Benz, a Phantom and a truck wit 23's the case
600 Gz in the safe, how much cheese it take?
This a chance you need to take, ain't no need to wait
Say the word we can leave today, this song's special
And it feel like faith, make a mistake
How the same thing making you sad I'm making you stay

[Chorus][T.I.]
I can't touch you like that, and make you make you feel likethis
Holla if you came back and it's still like this
Do he hit it from the back and make you feel it yo chest
Take advantage of what your concealing in yo dress
What, he think he too fresh to show that you the best
Compliment you on your intellect and treat you wit respect
Give you sex till you sweat, tongue kissing on yo neck
It's been awhile since she got it like this I bet
I can tell you ain't just another bitch I met
Ain't nobody got me open like this, not yet
You confused ain't decided which way you should go yet
So how you keep sayin no with yo panties so wet

[Chorus][T.I.]
This nigga playing mind games man
I think the time came, that you mind changed you understand
Life is like a chess move, you need to make yo next move
Yo best move, keep it pimpin' you understand...hey
I mean you know what I'm sayin I don showed you how I feel
You know what I'm sayin, I put myself all the way out there youknow
The ball in yo court man, but I just got a question for you...
Is you happy??

Dis is ma summer jam
Usually I agree wit d whole "doan trouble trouble unless trouble trouble you"BUT I am soooooooooooo ready for my summer fling...
Still waiting

So I posted the above on a forum I frequent on Wednesday and today look at what happened.
So today I am walking home and I get a holla from a jeep. Now this is quite a feat as I am blasting my ipod mini as usual...I thought he was hollering but he was so insistent I thought maybe its directions he needs so I take out my earphones.

Him: I wanna know if I can talk to you
Me: Go ahead
Him: I'd like to get to know you, can I talk to you?
Well since earlier this week I've been telling myself I'm ready for a summer fling so I figure I need to be a lil more open. So I oblige and he pulls over.
So I get straight to the point.

Me: So you were just driving in this area and decided to stop me?
Him: Well I just came from a friends place and saw you walking by yourself and wanted to talk to you
Me: How long were you trying to get my attention
Him: Since you were on the other street before you turned the corner. So where are you going?
Me: Home
Him: Near here, do you want a ride?
Me: Laugh) are you serious? I don't want you to know where I live, I don't know you.
Me: Oh.... So what made you want to talk to me?
Him: You are attractive and I just thought it would be nice to get to know you.
Me: What are you about?
Him: What do you mean?
Me: Do you work, are you in school, what are your goals? Stuff like that. I'm not usually so abrupt, but why would it be worth my while to talk to you?
Him: I work..what about you? You go to ________
Me: yeah I'm in school
Him: What are you studying?
Me: ______
Him: how old are you?
Me: You answer first lemme see if you are in my age range
Him: ___________
Me: Ok I'm _____ too
Him: perfect match
Me: so what really made you stop?
Him: You looked like you were coming from school I like that it shows that you have goals
Me: so you like girls with backpacks? ...alluding to the Beenie Man song implying that he just likes young/jailbait girls (mind you I have a kinda Puma hobo bag not a backpack in anycase I think the reference was lost on him)
No: You just look like you were coming from classes etc.
Me: well actually school is closed its summer time (lol I am so rude)
Me: ok well I need to get home give me your # I'll call you
I take the number
Me: So your wife won't mind me calling you
He laughs
Him: I'm young , I have no wife, girlfriend etc
Me: ...and your kids won't mind some new girl intruding on their daddy time?
he laughs again
Me: I mean can you blame me...this looks a little mini-van-ish
Him: I have no kids in this country or elsewhere what about you do you have any kids.
Me: no
Him: so when can I expect your call
Me: well not tonight I'm hanging out tonight
Him: With your girlfriends
I take a calculated pause (playing games)
Me: ummm yeah my girlfriends
Oh ummm whats ur name?
Him: _______
Me: Is that your real name or your "american name"
his eyes widen
Him: oh you know the deal thats funny but yeah thats my real name everyone knows me as ____
Ok so whats your name?
Me: Taj :)
aight bye I will call. I am so surprised he tolerated my attitude probing questions, and assumptions he didn't stall on any of the other questions I asked him like How long he thinks it would take for him to get to fuck me....LOL that took him by surprise...but I am blunt when I dont care...I mean you are tryna pick me up offa the street...what are your expectations...

And because I am suspicious as hell even though I am 1/2 a block away from home I divert my route to the cornerstore and buy some stuff I had no intention of buying just to be safe.
who knows if I'll call. I sure as hell don't but I wanna go on a date. I wanna be treated nice. I wanna be listened to...I know you listen (blog) I have to think up a cute name for my blog...Hmmm maybe Willie as in Wilhelmina my almost real name.
Ok so back to the story I probably will call him as for lack of options besides if I dont then everyone will remain a stranger...I mean before my friends were my friends they were strangers...actually thats not totally true at least I could get a referral about them cuz someone else knew them before me so I wouldn't be going totally from scratch anyway.

Hmmm I wonder what made him stop maybe he spied my newly acquired tongue ring and figured "an educated dick sucker...imma get me some ah dat". Hmmm I dint catch his gaze wandering unduly to my mouth or breasts so who knows.

After this although the logic is severely flawed ie cause/effect: because one factor is either absent or present its said to be the cause of something ie after a long period of drought torrential rainfall occurs the day you decide to walk inside backwards from the car. So my fallacy, I can't remember the exact name of this one...you know like how there is slippery slope etc....anyway today I wore heels. Not super high but heels nonetheless no ballet flats and I wore my hair up away from my face...now if I had worn my contacts I would have said that was it, cuz I dont think I look attractive in my glasses at all. So I looked nice but simple..slim leg jeans and a Radical Designs green tee...It's like when I'm in clothes I think I have a banging body but when I'm naked I see so much room for improvement (Tangent!)

Ok so today before all of this chance meeting etc. It really was chance if something didn't happen before and keep me back I would not have been walking right there when he was there.

So my friend with the dj guy (discussed in my other blog) basically gave it up too soon between money issues, him avoiding hanging with her friends, ore even attending the same party as her far less...and his being available to hang Mon-Thurs then MIA Fri-Sun she thought yea we fucked but we are cool we can be friends. Well not entirely so and so the age old story goes. Nice girl fucks too quick then really understands the meaning of screwed...And guys talk about wanting an assertive girl they wont think anything less of a girl if they have sex the first night...but then again thats not usually the girl that they want a relationship with.

Lemme check my files...yep I agree with that. No one I've fucked outside of us having a relationship has wanted anything serious...but thats fine I entered it with no such expectations of stuff growing into more.
My friend had sex with someone I never even met...that's sad, I know she thought it could have been something positive.

Well I'm a few months into being celibate. My cut buddy doesn't know he has been retired , expired whatever...I guess that's partly my fault...he asked whether "I don't feel for him" and I'm like no not yet...so he's like "are we never going to have sex again?" and because of that cliched phrase "Never say never" I say no don't say never ,it possible even though in my head I really don't want do ever again...then he tries to entice me talking about he never lifted me up and fucked me against the wall that is great and all that BS and we have an hr long phone convo where he tries to initiate phone sex (what is it about guys me and phone sex) and now I understand the phrase "...begging for poomz" having finally experience it I understand...being that this was my first experience with it does that mean I'm kinda pathetic that of all the people I've had sex with only one has begged for sex...does that mean I give it up too easy...lol oh no I'm simply defined as "assertive" by the guy that may be on the receiving end....ah the power of words to ease or placate a potentially guilty conscience.

Oh very briefly, I've had so many experiences in life that cause me to be wary of new ppl in my life. So briefly money is tight these days and I haven't gotten my paycheck yet..so I try to spend as little as possible on food ie. my big meal for the day...lunch..My new co-worker female wants us to go to lunch together at the same time but she is tired eating all the same "cheap" stuff that is near where we work so she suggests we go somewhere X that sells lunch upwards of $8, I politely refuse and when she presses me I'm just honest and say Im not willing to spend that much on lunch...so she is like if that wasn't a factor would you go....well with some trepidation I'm like yea sure ....so she's like ok it's settled, I'm gonna buy you lunch.. I protest a few times but she is insistent
Well when we get there and see the prices I'm just offer to pay for myself but she refused and ends up spending $25 for both lunches.

Now I am a open person and I don't judge perhaps thats why I still associated with a friend that obviously looked butch....everyone asked me if she was gay and I would say no despite the physical indicating otherwise. Fact is she is gay and and probably dreamt of munching on my carpet.

So now anytime a somewhat androgynous female is extra nice to me my hackles are up about their motive...mind you I'm always the first person to roll my eyes at "that person" that thinks EVERYONE wants them, is trying to hit on them etc...but I'm paranoid now. I really am.
We got let off from work early this other day and I decided I was goin to the movies...she talked about going too, I kept quiet cause my intention was to have the poor, dateless, girl movie experience a la bringing in outside refreshments, paying for one movie but viewing as many as I wanted...C'mon I can't appear that cheap to a practical stranger.
So the next day she asks if I saw Da Vinci and I'm like yea I went to XYZ theatre she's "by yourself". I said, "affirmative," she' like I know I should have asked you. I just figured you seem like the type of person to have your people you go to the movies with. Totally deadpan I say, "well I have no friends". that ws the biggest mistake cuz I think she believed me. stupid stupid stupid Taj.

Coupled with that my lez friend calls to inform me that our mutually loosely called friend has decided that she is bisexual. It was at the tip of my tongue to ask if she thought she had a chance with her (Angel black/white with the body of a thick sister but with blonde hair blue eyes and light skin) but I quelled the impish urge it simply wasn't worth it. My thing is that this girl was bedding mainly guys onlathleic teams ie footballers and the like somehow I think she just got burned and bitter against men...not that she can't be bisxual if she wants to but I feel it's coming from a different place...Then this asshole calls to tell me yet another has been converted to the Sapphic (sp) order. Bloodcleeet I see lesbians. I see lesbians all day.....................Sigh

Yeah I prob should have broken this up into multiple posts to not make it seem so daunting but neway I do what I want Capise.

Damn Damn Damn

2006-05-28T23:16:00.000-04:00

It's like I knew but didn't care.

But casually flipping through my friend list on hi5 really broke me down today. Her primary pic is so happy and brought me back to the reality that I should care and that stolen moments are just that.

I admit that in the past I knew what I wanted and it wasn't you, and that opportunity has sailed by.

So instead of reading her complimentary friend comments about her keeping a relationship together for 8+ years, and knowing there is some hypocrisy to that I copy and paste the pic as a reminder to myself to stay away regardless of whether or not my stolen time remains a secret forever.

All that stuff I wrote about him b4... it doesn't even matter.

2006-05-15T00:01:00.000-04:00

Lonely tired defeated

All these words describe my life right now

I grab rays of happiness when I can, but its not often enough for me

Where do responsibility and life intersect.

It's like in the pursuit of career job etc its mutually exclusive to life and love.

I am always separated from anyone that I love...Is it that I am unable to love so I seek after the unattainable and physically distant or is it just my unlucky draw?

It weird that I feel that I need someone to love, because I feel that I am a self-sufficient person. But, I really dont feel anyone is really looking out for me.
Yea I know that you care but you live miles and oceans away how can you really help me if things are horrible?

Alone in this bed looking at Talk Sex with Sue Johannsen and finding out everything my mom never told me about sex.

:( :( :(
Sigh

Movie

2006-05-14T14:13:00.000-04:00

I'm here looking at Mahogany which was one of my most favorite movies of my young life...and I'm talking about younger than 13...it always made me cry, especially the theme song. I guess you are realizing that I cry really easy...well only in private.

I just realized that she probably named her daughter Tracey Ellis-Ross after her character in this movie.

Just looking at the style of dress and her spirit in this movie in ONE scene she really did remind me of my mom....tall, elegant, slim and mahogany with those huge deep pools of brown eyes....yea I need to call my mom.

This reminds me next time I'm home I need to take one of those pics of her from the album as I remember her when I was younger.

There is so much that I can say about her but it won't really be adequate.
So this should suffice.
I LOVE YOU.

WHAT AM I REALLY TO SAY TO THIS????

2006-05-13T21:52:00.000-04:00

If there is anyone at all that reads this blog what am I to say to this that I haven't expressed already?
And dont worry he hasn't stolen the shine of my previous 2 posts. {blush}

Hi Taj;
I hope you are having a great one out there.I should have been calling more often but it's hard to get through to you when ever I want to;thats is why I am using this means of communication. Taj, honnestly speaking I really love you but it becomes hard when you have mix feeling in the relation. You don't want to give it a trial. As simple as I look infront of you , will not change even in the next decade.Thats me and nothing more. At times friends complain that I am too calm but that's me, I can'nt fake my personality. I have a strong feeling that if there is any one who loves you from first impression is me; but i can hardly proove it because you have not given the chance. Don't get out of your way if that is how you do things but if you could give me a chance I'll really appreciate it. This is a moment we can met at your convenience and you get to know what you want to know about me. For me, the very first day I saw you, the love for you keeps increasing. I see a perfect match between us.let me not take much of your time; reply at your convenience.
I'll talk to you some other time.

Blush

2006-05-13T20:23:00.000-04:00

I couldn't help it....
I just like this memory of us

We are standing around in an outdoor party and some of our friends and my cousin is there. I'm just leaning near you enjoying the vibe then I tiptoe and whisper "I wish I could kiss you right now."
You smile lean down and tell me, "Go ahead".
I bow my head, blush, shake my head and laugh.
You shake your head, poke my stomach and call me a punk...and you're right I am a punk.
Clint starts some stupid debate with a sexual innuendo I forget and the whole group is just rockin and on the floor...he's so silly then you touch me at the small of my back draw me in near to your chest and kiss me.
It's so simple and you ask with a smile, "What was so hard about that?"
Then my hands are automatically around your neck I'm so happy and caught up I wanna leave the party right now...then you kiss me on my neck and I KNOW everyone else pretends like they're blind and oblivious to us...but not really.
I know they are happy for us.
I know they are happy for us while it lasts.

WOOOOOOOO 100th post

2006-05-13T19:31:00.000-04:00

Well I just had to post this.
Isn't it stupid how just one phone call can make you feel better...
Ok I guess I overreacted and everything is just O K you've just been busy and thats cool.
Insert: blush and big grin
Sigh everything bad I was gonna write about that was bothering me (smile) it doesn't even really matter at all....................................

BYE :) :) :) :)

Darn it

2006-05-13T03:35:00.000-04:00

I just came back from the club and one of my contacts refuses to be taken out so I guess I'll have to sleep in it....doable but annoying since I'm gonna have to try all over again tomorrow.

Vanity sometimes isn't worth the effort.

I LOOK CUTE

2006-05-11T00:46:00.000-04:00

I look cute tonight. My face is washed my complexion looks nice and clear, I have on my boy shorts with a little tank top. I am showered with a little lip gloss on my lips and my hair is neat.
Am I am in bed looking at Living Single.
I feel like taking pics of myself but really who am I gonna send them to.
I look cute tonight and I am going straight to bed.

Underground

2006-05-09T20:20:00.000-04:00

I think my blog is about to go underground...both of them.

I put up a stat counter because I was curious how many people actually read what I wrote and the answer is not many at all.
It just seems to be stumbled upon when ppl click the next blog link...which is fine. That's fine for this one; I don't need feedback but on the other one....
It probably exists for the about 5 ppl that I gave the address to who don't need therefore to call or email me since they can just enter the link and see the latest predicament I've landed myself in...all except for one thing it is quite censored. There is nothing there that I don't want ppl to read. It's like someone being adamant about being photographed naked but having no problem walking around topless. It seems like a conundrum but makes sense to the person.

So basically I think it needs to disappear, I don't want to keep in contact. I don't want to have to cater to two masters: what they think and what I feel.

But then I get asked...what happened to the blog did you change the link?????
No I'll email it to you.....
Oh it changed to ......
Maybe I'll just do something I don't like to do and lie and say I deleted it...that I'm done with blogging cuz I was over it. It served a purpose and now I'm moving on.
I guess I'll have to practice it to sound convincing when that time rolls around.

I really wish I had gotten into a different university away from anyone I knew. I like isolation, I like knowing no one is checking on me.
I am thankful for scholarships but I regret that I didn't have enough $$ to go to my #1 pick that wanted me but was in truth a pipe dream....sigh I really wanted to live at Foggy Bottom. then I thought Spelman wouldn''t be bad...then I said heyyyyyyyyyy I would luv to do the Univ of Miami, and said HELL TO THE NAW to the all girls Mt. Holyoke.

Yeah sour grapes, I'm not boasting or conceited this just flashed in my mind as I thought about destiny...so many things could be different in my life if certain little things in my life had changed.

If Univ of the WI had sent the letter on time saying that they hadn't received my Univ transcript maybe I would be in med school at home this past yr instead of being in another country in grad school doing something I sorta like...
I was looking at an ad and they had a father opening his daughter's acceptance letter and I thought - don't they know they send a big enveloppe if you get accepted but then I corrected myself...you get a big envelope if you get accepted and actually have $$$ to go or they are offering you enough $$ to go. Other than that they say yay we want you but ummmm your wallet doesn't seem fat enough...you got 2 months to figure it out Peace. \/

It's weird that I could come to a foreign country, get a Bachelor's degree and not even be in debt when the exchange rate is 6:1 whereas if I stayed home and tried to go to school my mom would probably have had to take out a loan.
Maybe I've had it too easy over the years and my mettle is now being tested.
Well tomorrow is a new day and I will figure out a modus operandi cuz failure is not an option.
I really don't know how the topic changed so drasically from the initial.

Anyway, I'm glad I have this spot for myself...yeah I'm selfish I'm an only child that doesn't like to share.

Ex EX eX x X

2006-05-09T19:41:00.000-04:00

Ok so I'm chatting with my ex on messenger and he asks me what's a nice way you can tell a girl you are not interested.

Knowing that he's been seeing someone since January and has had sex with her many times and its been enjoyed by both my response is the best thing to do is be honest but regardless of what you say she is going to internalize it as rejection and blame her self and think that the fault is with her rather than it wasn't meant to be.

So apparently she is sprung over him which is understandable: he is goodlooking, caring, a successful young engineer and generally a great guy. She is still sprung even when he told her he still has a thing for his ex (me) and irregardless of that just isn't interested in being tied down in a relationship he wants to enjoy himself outside of the boyfriend girlfriend scene. (I have been his only girlfriend to date and he hadn't had much of the boy/girl mess around relationship in highschool). She says she is willing to wait. I wish her luck with that.

Meanwhile he presses me for a better answer of what he should say cuz he needs it for the aforementioned girl...let's call her J. as well as for this new girl he wants to start dating. Well well, so I ask him when he met her etc and he tells me and immediately I tie it back it to something he told me. See he told me about that day but him meeting that girl wasn't included in it. He described the outing where he went with his friends what they did the jokes everything but didn't mention this girl. So I asked was it the same day when....xyz happened he's like Yeah how did you know that?
SMH

So he needs to figure out how to construct his exit clause for J. as well as this new girl who will eventually reach J's fate.
How great is his life...when I can't even meet one person I am interested in that's in the same country (that's another story).
How great is his life when I actually felt loss when he didn't apply to grad school on time and won't be in the same country as me.
Pretty useless feeling bad and disappointed right?

Well couple this with an article he sent me by email today. Mind you we were both virgins and went about 2 1/2 years of 3 being in a committed relationship and ALWAYS using a condom...We always had one, we were naive virgins never thinking that having sex without a condom could feel any different.

I'm not mad at him. He makes a good point.
But whether it's the coldness of a forwarded email from him forwarded from J. that makes me upset or just feeling judged or just feeling that we keep on getting so off-track to getting back together....Sigh.
I knew the rest of the week was gonna suck.

Back to Earth

2006-05-09T18:51:00.000-04:00

Well look how I find out one of my room-mates is looking for a new place and the lease is up on Aug 31st.
Mind you she had no place to live and luckily fell into our arrangement. It's three of us en total.
How did I find out???? My other roommate mentioned it to me when she was commenting that she was nonetoo happy with our landlady....the ditz

Hmmm well it's three months notice now, but when exactly was she planning to say she was tryna get on campus housing?
Was she tryna hedge her bets in case on campus housing didn't work out?
And tell me this when she refused to sign the new contract then I would have what 1 week to find a place.
How come the other roomie knew and I didn't? Maybe she asked?

Well fuck them both I am looking for a single.

This fucking woman the ditz....she better come through on her payments of the gas ...and thats a whole other story.

Ah the things in life that happen and make you realize that there are more important things than sex, love and friendship.

POST EDIT

**Mind you the roomie that is apparently planning to move out doesn't know that I know....Let me see when she actually comes and tells me. It will be interesting to see how much notice she thinks is appropriate.

Now I have a headache and want to go to the cornerstrore and eat about 6 donuts.
(cries) well maybe not cries but the rest of my week is probably gonna suck. and I can see it now I won't be going to Love nightclub for any graduation celebrations...yea when I sulk I REALLY SULK. : (

I need to write in my other blog about my post Cinco de Mayo annoying convo but I can't bring myself to do that cuz it will inevitably end with bitter commentary from me...commentary that I am trying to eliminate. I pretend a lot of stuff doesn't happen but it still breaks me down. I feel like I let ppl get away with murder.

.......

2006-05-09T00:29:00.000-04:00

Ok I guess to some ppl I am an impatient person....of course I don't think I am.

I don't like being a nag and I definitely don't like being ignored.
I am not trying to give an ultimatum I just needed to know.
So I have and I am gonna continue living my life for me.

I know what I want... I know what I would prefer for myself but it's inaccessible now and indefinitely so I'll proceed with a clear head and clear conscience... I tried it didn't work. That's life. It just reminds me not to depend on that one thing too much...never to want anything in particular cuz as usual I probably won't get it.

I woke up this morning at 9AM and I thought of you.
I woke up and thought about having sex with you, you touching and kissing me.
I woke up this morning wanting you.
It lasted for a while - just thinking of you.
It lasted for a while then started to think about just wanting to have sex.
Then I just got cold thinking of the last time we had sex.
Then I realized that I am being pushy can't just wasn't recognizing your soft no.

Life is difficult when instinct tells you one thing yet the words and actions of the person tell two different stories....What you want to believe, what they want you to believe, and the truth.

iMPULSE CONTROL

2006-05-05T05:03:00.000-04:00

That is the story of my life. Most people wouldn't agree with me but I know how close I come to doing, and saying stuff that I shouldn't.
I have tact, but if I think it won't cause a problem once it's on my mind it's out my mouth.

Why am I here blogging instead of doing my powerpoint presentation it is 5:30AM and I've been at it since about 9PM. I will probably not sleep before the presentation.
Did I mention that I
HATE
HATE
HATE
HATE
HATE
HATE this class.
This blog is really my release :) this is complain central and I don't have to feel guilty about complaining :-)
Hmmm I feel marginally better and those smilies look ridiculous (yes I smiled at that too).
Sigh let me bang out about 20more slides then I will feel better.

I fukkkkkkkkkkkingggggggggg haaaaaaaaattttteeeeeeeeeee this class I will be glad when its 10:30AM and I would have survived yet again something that I thought I couldn't do....albeit shoddily done I would have survived.

Ok Ok

2006-05-05T04:32:00.000-04:00

Aight I admit it guys have emotions. Just as I pull myself through the days with mummy-like precision because my mind is stuck on being the recipient of the emotions of someone...so too can this happen to the oft heartless, clueless species called man.
I'm sorry it has to be like this, I wish you would open up and talk about it - say what I can do to help...
I share so much without even meaning to, as evidenced by my numerous posts in here...I always end up sharing a lot about me with you but still it hasn't passed my caution level. You on the other hand internalize, don't share, feel that you need to be a man and not burden me with what's goin on. For there to be an us that is NOT okay. It's not that I want a blithering idiot sobbing in my lap but I'm nosey I wanna know what's going on too.
Let me be in the loop.
I need you to understand that I'm there not only to hang out but also when things aren't all hunky dory and perfect. I can't just know what makes you happy and be satisfied I need to know what makes you sad too.
Yeah yeah I know guys reading this may just be like "chill its really not that complicated", but is that really fair to assume and oversimplify a person.
So I'm gonna bug you and find out what's going on.

I really don't like this chick but her lyrics speak the truth about us...Stay the Night Mariah Carey. Isn't this juvenile using song lyrics to explain your emotions? Well I still DON'T CARE!

You're kissing me
And saying I'm the one you need
To keep you warm
And lay with you tonight
Baby I feel the same way
I don't want to leave
Wanna hold you close
And feel your love inside
But I don't wanna play myself
Cause I know you're with someone else
And I don't need complications in my life
And I don't wanna fall back in
And get caught up in you again
Boy I'm so conflicted in my mind

[chorus]You keep saying stay the night
Just let me rock you till the morning light
It's cold outsideAnd much too late to drive
You know I need you baby
I'm so lost without your love

Obviously, procrastinating just to be
Close to you a little longer now
It's hard for me to break away from you baby
Never could resist you
And I still haven't learned how
And I don't wanna be a fool
But it's hard when it comes to you
And I'm feeling vulnerable tonight
Cause I don't wanna miss the chance
Of reliving our sweet romance
Boy I'm so confused down deep inside

Guys a little insight.

2006-05-04T01:47:00.000-04:00

If you are in the bed and she is giving your man meat a blow job, or her nipples get hard as rocks when you flick them with you tongue, or you feel a wet spot on the bed and it's because her vagina is so wet...............................................................................and this girl STILL does not want to have sex with you.

You are not the one.

She is enjoying it but she is thinking of someone else when you touch her and for her it's unfathomable that her fantasy can allow her mind to go as far as to disconnect when she is having sex with you. It's impossible, can't be done. Just give up. Just be her fluffer while she waits for the guy she really wants to have sex with.

Just my 2 cents

Flashback: Lovers and friends

2006-05-04T00:17:00.000-04:00

Can guys and girls just be friends....sure, that is if they want to be.

I'm a really curious girl, I get horny.
So I hit on my friend...call it entrapment of what ever...he was shocked but it's not like he didn't take the bait.
So we mess around for a while...no sex because I mean as exciting and taboo as it seems I need to check everything out see what he's working with cuz bad sex or a small dick is a spirit killer.

So everything checks out so this time I decide ok he's gonna get it.
Oral sex out the ying yang....butterfly kisses on my 2nd lips while he is slowly and rhythmically finger fuckin me. We are hard in all the right places and soaking wet in others.

So we are all hot and heavy and I'm like go ahead lets do it.
He looks up at me from in between my legs in disbelief and freezes.....A whole minute goes by (in my estimation) then I look at him and say, "it's cool don't bother."

He has NEVER lived this down. Till now he curses himself for his lapse and has no discernable explanation. He confided in another male friend and got laughed at from sun-up to sun-down.

Fast forward a few years....He is the type that can't let stuff go so he is scheming as to how to get me back in that position and lay the smackdown so he can redeem himself in his own eyes as well as mine.
I cut through the bullshit subterfuge, "you don't have to pretend you like me to get me in a position for a rematch...just say something".
Shocked again and he laughs (Yea I was right)
So we do the deed and ...............................................................................
............................................................................................
..................................................................................................
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.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

He CUMS TOO QUICK

LOL

He gets it up again in the same session....so I'm like backshots first then prop me up on the edge of the table.........................................hahahahahahhahah

My boy gets all bug eyed and he's like, "FIRST!!!!!" with a panicked timbre to his voice.

I stifle my laugh and say..."Hmmm I don't think this is gonna work out."

He lets out a big sigh and agrees.

It's funny is he gonna want another rematch for this one too?

But seriously we were so cool after and still are good friends. He is my friend that thinks I am a dangerous girl.

A male friend of mine says that I'm dangerous. He says that I understand the games guys play too well and that I'm kinda heartless... I operate like a guy when the emotion isn't there and it seldom is. He says I see and understand things that girls usually get hung up on or act emotional over. I think it depends on whether I like or trust the guy. When I don't fuck yea its easy to be detached. So I guess I don't like or trust much.

He is also referred to here:
http://paper-bag.blogspot.com/2006/02/regression.html#links

and http://paper-bag.blogspot.com/2006/03/sexual-emancipation.html#links

This one was physically fulfilling in terms of the foreplay but as for the actual deed....Well lets just say he didn't bother to ask me how it was afterwards.

Now my other friend well he gets 10/10 on all aspects of the encounter. He knows how to handle his business Mos definitely!

I know and I understand BUT

2006-05-02T22:31:00.000-04:00

I know it hurt but I just couldn't / didn't want to tell you about my blog. I didn't want to tell you because I knew that you would judge and I was already judging myself very harshly for my decisions...I was already going through such a period of change and uncertainty I didn't need another opinion, another disagreement about the stuff that I wrote on here that I wanted to vent about, laugh about, be happy about, be depressed about.

I didn't want you to have to read about me having sex with other people and enjoying it...or even having a fuck buddy b/c the girl that you deflowered wasn't into casual sex, wasn't into having sex to soothe a horny itch.

It's complicated the things that I do and the reason's that I give for doing them.
There is one constant...It's that I always love you and will be honest with you when you approach me about stuff.

So I'm in hiding once more and I hope you have learnt your lesson and NOT try to be persistent.

I'm conceited Ha I got a reason.

2006-05-02T22:27:00.000-04:00

Ok so we are having a conversation and I tell you that I am considering growing dreads and ask what you think about that...
You say: Don't like them
Why
You: I just don't like them
Me: Well you don't like girls with short hair but you like me, I'm sure you will like me with dreads too
You: oh Ok its like that
Me: It was too easy to resist
You: It's ok I'm immune to stuff like that by now I'm a guy.
Me: Ok

This is a guy/friend that likes(d) me but we both know it's not gonna go anywhere.
I dunno what possesed me but at least we are close enough that WWIII didn't erupt. But honestly speaking that blow was a little low.
Sowwie

Why can't we be intimate...

2006-05-02T22:24:00.000-04:00

...without us having sex?
What's wrong with you coming over and laying in bed with me while I play with your dick and you play with my tits while we watch my favourite show Scrubs.

Why is that so impossible?

The NameSake of the Blog

2006-05-02T13:51:00.000-04:00

When the Pawn Hits the Conflicts He Thinks Like a King/What He Knows Throws the Blows When He Goes to the Fight/And He'll Win the Whole Thing 'Fore He Enters the Ring/There's No Body To Batter When Your Mind is Your Might/So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand/And Remember That Depth is the Greatest of Heights/And If You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where to Land/And If You Fall It Won't Matter, Cuz You'll Know That You're Right.

Yeah thats the title of the album usually abbreviated by magazines to When the Pawn... (a much more appropriate use of ellipsis than how I use it). The song title is Paper Bag by Fiona Apple. I hope seeing thed video doesn't colour your judgement against the song.

Lyrics

I was staring at the sky
Just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on, o r something like that
I was having a sweet fix
Of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew Was a hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances were
Approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag
CHORUS
Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works,
When it costs too much to love
And I went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb
Looking for a little hope
Baby said he couldn't stay, wouldn't put his lips to mine,
A fail to kiss is a fail to cope
I said, "Honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified
Come on put a little love here in my void"
He said, "It's all in your head"
And I said, "So is everything'" but he didn't get it
I thought he was a man but he was just a little boy
Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works,
When it costs too much to love
Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold because these hands are just too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
Because I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold because these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

TV Peong (fanatic)

2006-05-02T01:36:00.000-04:00

Ok well I am a fan of all things TV; new shows dramas etc. However, when I was a kid there was one thing that would always puzzle me............................................commercials esp family commercials. (ie. one's for cereal etc)

I mean I knew enough to know that the people weren't actually in the TV after all I've seen events being taped but I am so literal I actually thought it was a real family then I extrapolate all manner of logical questions like:
How come they all managed to be home at the same time?
How did the camera crew know that time was good for everyone?
With having to do it more than once (takes) wouldn't someone be late for school work?
Did their parents call ahead letting school know the kids would be late or did they just call on the day according to how the shoot went?
Was it annoying for the kids to pretend that they got along with their siblings?
How did they manage to make it look so natural?

hahahaha
so now as an adult I am puzz..leddddd b...yyyyy
WTR
Omigosh I just forgot what I had been obsessing about "how they did that".
I just can't remember...This is what the post is supposed to be about.....

10mins later
it is just too elusive yall it's not coming back at all.
Maybe it was about body bronzer.
How is it supposed to work?
Wouldn't it be harmful for your skin if it's supposed to highly pigmented and stay that way for days even though you bathe?
Eventually it is going to get sloughed off but does this bronzer, brightener, tanner incorporate itself into the skin in a way that women shouldn't rush pell-mell to embrace.

Well I think I made a good save even though that wasn't the burning question I needed clarificaiton on either....Maybe I will dream about it.

I hope I do.

Eureka

2006-05-02T00:53:00.000-04:00

Enlightenment!
I just realized why I just flip out when people say they have been observing me... I think it's because it seems like a perv like a molester lurking around for the perfect opportunity to make their move.
As a child I have seen this face this expression of openness and directness with the subterfuge...with the mask of vice lurking just behind it...the shifty gaze the testing of the waters to decipher whether the rope is taut enough to support the gravity of their act....to push the enveloppe and not be found out....the ability to keep it a secret and quench that burning.....

That side of life is so ugly...being watched feels just as bad as being touched....and it doesn't even feel logically fair to say that...even I can acknowledge that.

Yes you may read this and think I am making a bigger deal of it than I should, and maybe you are right...and maybe I may actually agree with that.

SMH I know I am gonna read this tomorrow and want to delete it.
This is the last one for today...Nitey nite.

Ms Freide please don't be sad for meeeeee - No Doubt lyric

2006-05-01T23:55:00.000-04:00

It's like my friends live with more hope of me rekindling my relationship with my exBF (who lives abroad) than I do.

Every yr, actually only the past two, from the time it hits May they ask about his plans for returning to grad school like its a given like its bound to happen....and I the person who should be eagerly anticipating this look at them with bewilderment like...and if I say Elvis is alive are you gonna believe that too.

As much as he wants a relationship with me, he hasn't returned to the US now to findout he missed a deadline for one of his applications. I can't even be mad...I think that's one of my biggest problems, I equal not getting mad with being stress free but it doesn't work like that. My other problem is being too empathetic, I've been the shitty person, I've been the selfish person before, I've been the one down in the trenches begging for forgiveness and to be trusted time after time, so it's difficult for me to write off people I believe in.
Yet I am not a cunumuno (Caribbean slang for a stupid person) I made no expectations that he would be back within a certain time frame. I hoped for a while but never actually did the whole visualization of meeting him at the airport or going apartment hunting together or us going out together like we used to.

I am not a jealous person again another trait that causes problems with us....but I know his focus has been off. He doesn't want a girlfriend but he is seeing someone at home. Maybe instead of going out on all those dates he should have taken care of business. You know what I don't really think that way, I'm just being bitter, sour grapes as I realize the distance and unspoken conversations between us is building a bridge so long it's almost too impossibly long to be traversed for us to find our way back to each other.

Practice makes permanent and it seems like we have perfected the art of hurting each other, my only hope is that it doesn't leave permanent scars.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Africans steups how can you try to persuade me that I should be with you.

I spoke up and said I am not interested in having a boyfriend and you are saying that I need to make a commitment to a "potential" us.
Negro taking one class together with occasional phonecalls does NOT classify as you knowing me. Yes he said he knows me and says all manner of things you are so sweet blah blah blah. He also does not call me by my name. He has decided on a variant of my name tha he likes and calls me that constantly. Hmmm I wonder if its because he forgot my full name.

People think I am crazy and moody because I try to be diplomatic and give muted signs (seems like an oxymorom innit?). So I won't encourage you but I won't be shouting a big fakk off either...I expect people to have some sort of discerning spirit and I try to be tolerant so when stuff is done that I don't like I can excuse it....then I excuse stuff so much it gets to a stage of the straw breaking the camel's back and I go 730 on their ass and spazz out. It's not that I want to hold stuff inside it's just that on a case by case basis I "think" I let stuff go and I dismiss them...then people overstep their boundaries more and more then I blow up when you are in my space.

Don't convince me that I should be with you. When I call you on what your intentions are relationship not friendship don't act all of a sudden like you can't understand my accent. What am I supposed to go the extra mile on the bitch gauge and say...
You like 32-35...................not interested
Your lips look like a months treatment with carmax couldn't solve your problem.....not interested
You speak to me like you are giving a command..................not interested (3rd African guy I have noticed this with maybe I am excessively sensitive to dominating males...you need to be laid back to deal with me cuz best believe I like to be in charge or be mad to think I am in charge)
You ask me my business.............not interested (even my friends get the retort of "...and why do you ask?....why you need to know if I go to church or drink etc...I am apt to lie just to seem less desireable in your eyes)
You are not attractive to me,,,,no one is ugly but seriously I wouldn't want to be out on a date with you and this is according to my standards, my likes and dislikes Not society and certainly NOT my friends.
Surprises are nice but you don't surprise someone with tickets to see the Wizards especially if you don't know if they are interested in basketball. Moreover since you have been badgering me for a date if I caved in because of my food situation (joking) or just to get you off my back why de mudda cunt you gonna carry me to a basketball game that last for fucking ever????
Your aim should be to keep it nice and sweet.
Lord knows why I didn't answer my phone yes I would be highly pissed.

How is a person supposed to know when God is working in their life....every little thing he has a hand in it, it's supposed to be a part of his design so what is the function of you in my life at this point? I feel like I can learn from you be encouraged to do well in my field by you but how can I separate your other interests.

Language barrier fucking lost in translation whatever it is you need to learn that you cannot persuade someone to be with you. And people this is serious I can count the number of times that we have spoken on the phone esp the times that are not related to school...but as de man say he's been watching me....Fukkin watching ME. He must not know my disdain and distaste for fuckin cuntholes watching me from a far fukkking lesbian cunt not this African cunt fucking seriously I know I have problems but these people need to stop observing me from afar, making conclusions and coming up with these unrealistic fairytales of my personality and goodness. Say I'm fukking smart say you observed me and my tits were so perky you could tell my IQ was off the charts and that I could argue down to the ground and back up based on logic. Tell me you watched the curve and size of my ass and realized that its directly related to the cornucopia of knowledge in my brain....look at my thighs and try not to pan upwards towards the triangle of my crotch.

SMH something is wrong with me but when ppl observe me from afar then are convinced they know enough that they know me I get uneasy, apprehensive, and defensive. YOW Mr Jingwe better not come at me wrong cuz I jess got my 3 Star. Yuzimi.

The Masturbation inspiring girl

2006-05-01T23:48:00.000-04:00

What is it about me that encourages people to want to masturbate. Yea we have had sex b4 but the encounters are by no means on a regular basis...Somewhat cordial fuck buddies but I've outgrown it an we keep in touch (outside of the extracurricular activities) but not as much as we used to....so why then do you call me talk about past trysts, try to set up a booty call then when I turn it down you say ok cool call me whenever.............................................Silence the easygoing convo is gone.....I ask are you listening r u looking at TV? What's up?
I'm playing with myself.
Big steups so I ask you about basketball etc
Chit chat for a few then I bounce.

Don't you realize that you've done been phased out. Albeit you prob didn't realize cuz my sexual appetite isn't voracious constantly needing your attention but cot damn it's been a while and your cut buddy card is expired!
Get a clue!

FUTF

2006-04-29T13:59:00.000-04:00

Ok so you are having sex with someone...all into it and he is hitting the right spots...hitting them magnificently
You are getting a work out going from position to position. it cyar done.

so now you are in a modified backshot cuz he is standing....All of a sudden without breaking his stroke rhythm he reaches behind him and turns on the light and adds a few ass slaps for good measure.
Horror of all horrors usually as a girl...well at least me I'm a shy girl...Touch but don't watch...
Anyway I look back smile and continue to enjoy myself, I'm past being self conscious at this point in time.

Now the question is should I be offended if he turns the light back off??????

Things that make you go hmmmmmm...................................................................

2006-04-29T13:15:00.000-04:00

Has anyone seen that show on VH1 Can't get a Date??? It shows on Fridays at midnight. Perfect time cuz if you can't find a date you're definitly at home watching......

got interrupted
I really don't see myself as sexy so when some stuff happens it just doesn't make sense to me and ppl get all mad and irritated but I really can't see why you would want me to play strip solitaire with you. doesn't make sense will complete later

Sometimes I wonder about us

2006-04-22T15:04:00.000-04:00

From a MSN convo

dont ever get a chile mudder says: hit
dont ever get a chile mudder says: me
dont ever get a chile mudder says: come get me
dont ever get a chile mudder says: i bite but
dont ever get a chile mudder says: she bit me
dont ever get a chile mudder says: get on top!

Taj says: hi D*******
dont ever get a chile mudder says: dream of californication
dont ever get a chile mudder says: marry me girl be my fairy to the world
dont ever get a chile mudder says: be my very own constellation
dont ever get a chile mudder says: a teenage bride with a baby inside gettin high on information
dont ever get a chile mudder says: and buy me a star on the boulevard
Taj says: chilli peppers
dont ever get a chile mudder says: born and raised by those who praise control of poulation
dont ever get a chile mudder says: yep
dont ever get a chile mudder says: HARD AS MUDDER CUNTHOLENESS STEEL
Taj says: ok
dont ever get a chile mudder says: wuh is your scene dese days
dont ever get a chile mudder says: u dont say much
Tamara says: what am i to say to the lyrics
dont ever get a chile mudder says: no in general padna
Taj says: well i guess not much going on
Taj says: what about you u seem stressed?
dont ever get a chile mudder says: i am!
Taj says: whats up?
dont ever get a chile mudder says: appreciate the concern but i dont really wanna talk about it
Taj says: sigh
Taj says: ok u sure
dont ever get a chile mudder says: yup
Taj says: ok den
Taj says: so what do you wanna talk about?
the two towers says: us
Taj says: ok go ahead
the two towers says: is there a us
Taj says: like future marriage?
the two towers says: yup
the two towers says: or somethin like that
Taj says: hmmm I cant say for sure but i don't think so
the two towers says: why dont you think so?
Taj says: time location

yep from 1:33PM to 4PM and continuing no reply

Any need to wonder why I worry about dis boy.........

2006-04-19T15:31:00.000-04:00

Ok I fucked up....I never fuck up a lil bit always big. Never small or medium fuck up it's always GRANDE. Of course I'm not going to get into it here, c'mon now that's not my personality again. All I will say is God is good, sound weird coming from me right. I'm not an atheist, I'm a christian so I guess that makes me a practicing christian but am I religious?...I even question it myself.

I deny deny deny stuff but I will say here and now that I am spoilt. I must be spoilt (heather you were right) because I always find a way to derail myself, I always find a new low to have to drag myself from. Maybe I like feeling like the underdog or maybe I just don't care...all I know is that either of these options don't feel like the REAL me. Self-saboetage, self-fulfilling prophesy all of these things seem to be explanations for the stupid stuff I do in life.

Am I too demanding of myself...are my standards too high cuz worse decisions have been made by others...I mean there are career prostitutes and strippers, but at least they have issues that changed their mentality from a young age that caused them to make choices leading them to that point. Sigh.

I've never felt that anything in life I had that I earned...god blessed me with smarts if I had actually worked maybe I could have had a 1600 in SATs that's how I think...1360 is pitiful...but that's getting caught up in the numbers game but oddly enough that's the bulk of what is used to judge ppl in this world. It's never intrinsic worth, it's always some standardized number.

Grades, scholarships, jobs etc I always have the feeling of being lucky to have these accomplishments or God blessed me with basic smarts and me really applying myself and working hard could ONLY result in a Rhodes scholarship or some ridiculously high pinnacle of achievement. I guess what I'm saying in a nutshell is that I feel....average.

I'm a very weird person. Very feely feely though not outwardly to others....very sensitive without ever wanting to admit it. I just wanna be babied a lil bit. I just want someone else to be in charge of me for a while...

Maybe I'm spoilt because I feel that rules don't apply to me that I can work my way around stuff, do as I feel. That's arrogant, that's messedup. Whatever it is I need to learn to just do what I'm supposed to when I'm supposed to - not when I feel like getting around to it. Sigh

Nobody's fault but mine
Nobody's fault but mine
Tryin' raise my soul to the light
Nobody's fault but mine

Thank you Nina Simone

2006-04-16T20:38:00.000-04:00

Ok so yall know women have a theoretical biological clock that is all too real sometimes. And we always have the dilemma of chosing career over family (depending on the career of your choice) often you have to sacrifice one for the other....not forever, but the longer you postpone it the less probable success in the other will be.

Given that most women would like to have the full package ie marriage or good job or financial security or job satisfaction or all of the aforementioned before they have kids what is a woman to do when she is established (ie. financial security) yet has no man or long term significant other to have a baby with?

Well recently I asked 2 of my friends, who I consider to have good qualities, if I get to the age of 35+ and want a baby would they consider being the sperm donors? They both said NO!!!

I'd like to talk about my quarter life crisis and also the debate between whether depression is a bonafide disease, laziness (as one male friend believes it to be) or simply unfulfillment....You're depressed because you are unfulfilled and you are unfulfilled because you haven't taken charge of your life, at least thats how I see it but I won't say it isn't a disease.

I'd like to talk about these things as they pertain to my life but I usually bust into crocodile tears or I just can't seem to get the words together to express myself in a cohesive manner.

Sigh

The ties that Bind

2006-04-10T13:49:00.000-04:00

Some of my friends at HU laugh and groan at my HI5 friends list of about 300+ but I really do know 99% of those ppl and could tell you how I know them...Thats just like during xmas vac my cousin from Trinidad and my ex boyfriend kept on laughing cuz we went to town one day and every 2 steps I had to stop and chat with some one I know, bank, jewlry store, clothes store, telephone company, taxi stand, parking lot, walking on the street, internet cafe, port, post office, Fort etc etc etc.
But I dunno the people I really call friends in my life they knowwwww without a doubt that I will go all out for them, sacrifice and be honest to them.
My boy my bestest friend since the twelve days after I was born was probably my first friend, from him and his sibs I got my taste of having sibs and our parents raised us as such....you couldnt ask for one and give the answer I don't know. In primary school coming up to common entrance it got really competitive between us...dunno why...Well both of us passed and that was done....High school different manoevers and we are trying to find our own crowds...we weren't as close cuz he was tryna chase girls and you couldn't really do that with your best friend being a girl cuz everyone asks...isn't she your girlfriend? Then he had to go through the whole bros over bitches movement that comes with adoloscence and coupled with that School is wack, I'm not gonna even try. This guy was the smartest I had known till this point and he decided to dumb himself down to hang with the cool guys...girls dont have that problem even if you the hottie hottie girl u still don't wanna be the dumb girl....So he ends up in the B stream and never escaped the stigma of it ...I mean when you're in high school that seems so absolute "Hey we weeded the garden and you're in the dumb bunch" so that sorta separated us more. I wasn't his confidante anymore, couldn't influence him for the better and we only related on party terms...In fact one of my earliest poems on this blog was dedicated to him KA after he was in an accident and almost died...when he was out ofthat danger we thought he may survive but be blind....I even flew to Trinidad over the weekend to see him.....But how did I find out initially about a day late and all I was thinking was how did it get to this point that I had to find out this late and from someone else at school. During that time both of us realized hey yeah we may not know each others deepest darkest secrets but we love each other and not a nostalgic love a real friendship love that no time could diminish.

So when his daughter was born I was at school he told me. When he got pics Igot pics 2 days after she was born....when they were deciding on names he asked for my suggestions. That xmas when I went home she was thoroughly spoilt with clothes, toys, hugs and kisses from auntie T. The next time I went home she could actually call me Auntie T. When I go home I test the door and walk str8 in like I did when I was 5 through high school. If he's not home I chat with whoever is there, fix myself something to eat and watch some TV.
It's funny once I went to his house we sat down had a long heart to heart..then I was leavin he decided to go have a shower...Dumb me of course forgot the car keys and had to go back and caught my boy naked goin to shower. For a second he covered himself with his hands then he was like Whatever and we both laughed and I sat on the toilet talking to him while he took his shower.

I love him and he loves me and it is so totally in a friendship way. That is why when a friend of mine made almost to the end of high school tries to tell me about KA and his orgies with girls, getting high, short temper, love of "breaking out" innocent girls and sex antics....Rationally I hear him but in another way I don't.
That's not the person I know. I don't care that it's rumored he has herpes (small island everyone gossips)....in fact I don't believe it. I don't understand why you are so insistent to prove everything to me to shatter the esteem and love that I have for him. No one is an angel and logically since he knows me he's not gonna treat me like any old trick, but seriously now why are u sooo insistent in defaming his character to me you KNOW I don't like it.

It's almost like you are saying pick one of us, I'm the better friend, I don't like him so you can't either.....And ppl say girls like drama. Why can't you just appreciate that I have a different relationship with you both.

KA is moving on with his life finally. He has chosen a career and is working towards it both for himself and his daughter and I am proud of him. And I think now b/c of lots of little factors we are gonna get closer ... get back to the begining. This Jill Scott song Do you remember me off her 1st album always reminds me of me and KA, just two lil kids a boy and a girl sitting on a step barebacked eating a mango they can barely reach their hands around. That's my best memory of us.
Blessings 4eva
________________________________________________________
TOTALLY SEPARATE FROM & UNRELATED TO THE ABOVE

I feel like I'm turning into the annoying crazy girl that won't leave you alone. It's all about impulse control and I never was too good at that. Sigh. Well the only benefit is that I erase all my good qualities in your eyes and....then....hmmmm???? Ok then I will know without a doubt that you don't want me and that there is nothing I can do about it....The erasure of hope is my redemption.

2006-04-09T16:07:00.000-04:00

call me.

2006-04-08T23:49:00.000-04:00

thank goodness i deleted the number...thank god it's no longer in my incoming and outgoing calls cuz I would have called already. So now i simply can't call. Brava Taj Brava!

I remember

2006-04-08T20:02:00.000-04:00

These lyrics are written to Baby Cham's song Ghetto Story
Lyrics by Riley (ex-bf) str8 written wit no chaser or revision Song title: True Story

i remember the days when i used to call you the kid
and i would ask if u love me and would say that you did
but then trouble came on and blew us away
or was it my insecurity that fucked me up that day
up till now i still remember how you made me feel
how we convinced ourselves that the love we felt was real
then your mom pulled me over...tried to make a deal
caused a wound so deep it couldnt heal

****Thinking back my mom really was the mafia. And we really did love each other in the deepest way possible....but sometimes the road to hell is paved with good intentions

The not quite right d!ck

2006-04-08T19:13:00.000-04:00

From the past few posts you can tell that I've been in a funk...that's what the "not quite right dick" can do to a girl. It makes you erase every remembrance of good dick that you have had in the past. It seriously kills memory and sex drive. Being that I don't have a great memory exact details of a glorious past are probably not going to come back but the little things that cause your spine to tingle and send flashing contractions and twinges down there occur occasionally. I may be on my way back never to go down that road again.

Back to my plans. How sweet is it that someone calls just to hear your voice. People just won't understand how much I appreciate that. See thats what I mean as often as you think of me....call me or jus more than 1x a month.

Hope is so important in life but right now it's hope that is killing my spirit. At the start of every week I 'hope' that you will call to say when you can visit, so I drudge though the week bound by obligation and necessity eagerly anticipating Friday when maybe you will call b/c you were trying to surprise me....no dice once again, and again , and again, and again.
Is the "not quite right dick" so bad if it helps to numb you to another hurt...does the end justify the means. And I write this in my blog and I am brought back to the hurt place I despise and am trying to avoid.
Sigh nothing is working.
Until something new is realized I guess I'll be stuck here. Yea it's not smart to get over someone by finding someone new but seriously for me I know it will work.

FUCK YOU
yea i shout it to the sky and no one hears least of all you but at least i'm venting cuz this has been fermenting way too long : (

2006-04-04T23:04:00.000-04:00

Why do I invest so much in people I have no forseeable future with...this is hard, you know everyone has their "thing" their hangup in life. For one friend her mantra is "People don't change," she learned this from her parent's relationship, another person is sick of ppl looking at her like her life is golden - judging her "apparent" naivety and me my hangupS are (yea I had to have more than one main one) distance and people leaving me...I guess it one cos they leave me thereby creating the distance. That's why I break up with you rather than do the long distance relationship, that's why if a friend has to move away I just sorta lose contact....but the thing is I want you but for reason's other than distance US is still a problem. Why does my life have such fucked up timing Why?
Well we are working towards something, I hope it works. I hope for my sanity it works. Even though its fresh with you I can't take yet another failed visit

The planning has begun, thanks for being a man and making the effort. {thumbs up}

Round and Round I go...where I stop u will never know....10pts for who can guess the artiste this song is from!

2006-04-01T16:12:00.000-05:00

So on Friday I had an invitation to go look at the Blooming Cherry Blossoms, then go chill at Xroads in a after work lime type setting. The guy was gonna get off work early, about 4pm, to accomodate these activities. He also provided an alternative: we could go to the movies instead of Xroads.
What did I choose?
I chose to stay home paint my nails then go to intramurals on campus. I was supposed to call him to let me know if I was on track for the plans....I only replied to him via MSN messenger when he messaged me at about it @ 10PM asking if I was doing anything tonight. I typed "no, probably not" while I was putting on earrings and mascara on my way out to the club. Although I did apologize for not calling him b4 the 4pm deadline.

Sad innit. I always complain about being lonely blah blah blah and look at what I do. But I know this dance...we are gonna start off as friends then he is gonna approach me as more than a freind then I will have to lose a friend. I guess u realize I'm not interested in him... I don't find him attractive punto finale. Call me shallow I don't give ah fuck. That aside I would be willing to work with him...I say work with him cuz as friends we approach things so differently and usually end up arguing, shouting at each other with doldrom periods ie times when we are so frustrated we take a week-long self-imposed non-speakin ban. {Aside: that was a lot of hypenated works}

So you think I think too highly of myself that I'm conceited. Well, I've know him 6yrs now and from freshman yr he tried to get with me, through having a gf who was my friend he still "joked around". He is cool peeps but the more time we would spend around each other it would seem like it should develop into more.

I don't feel that bad cancelling on him since the invitation came at about midnight thurs nite/fri morning...you should give someone a lil more notice. I have natural hair for God's sake I need some damn notice!

2006-04-01T15:57:00.000-05:00

I jus wanna write thank you for being a good friend. I thought through the misunderstanding of thinking I was interested in you and partly leading you on that that would wreck our friendship, but you didn't act weird so I didn't. So now I realize that even though you may like me you can be a genuine friend. Who else would feed me at 3AM on Friday morning.... leaving Micky Dees just inside the door b/c I coudn't take the agony, fell asleep hungry and didn't reply to the text....who else would do that and not demand to sleep over, come inside and "chill".
I either don't think about things or don't care about consequences, who else would politely decline an invitation to come over at 3:30AM after the party to sleep over and cuddle. Well you would, and thank you :-)

Just what I was wrestling with this week

2006-04-01T15:28:00.000-05:00

The Sex and the City image of women seeking casual encounters for pleasure does not quite fit the latest research.
Nine out of 10 women interviewed in-depth about their views said they thought one night stands were immoral.
The researchers investigating female attitudes to sex and sexuality found most women had more traditional views of casual sex than they expected.
The results of the Sheffield team's study of 46 women is presented at a psychology conference on Friday.
They found only 10% of the women aged 23 to 83 who were interviewed at length thought "no strings" sex was acceptable.

'Looking for love'

Dr Sharron Hinchcliff will tell the British Psychological Society conference in Cardiff it made her question whether women have really gained the sexual freedom they are supposed to have enjoyed since the 1960s.
The team from the University of Sheffield asked women about their general attitudes to sex and concerns about casual sex emerged.
They found that although participants thought one-night stands were immoral, they did not condemn women for having them as many of them had indulged themselves.
But there was a view that those that did had "something lacking in their lives".

'Emotional involvement'

She said the results did not fit in with images of today's independent woman who can go out and get sexual fulfilment without the ties of a relationship.
She told the BBC News website: "Women positioned sex very much in the context of an intimate relationship.
"But when they talked about casual sex they didn't give those reasons.
"Rather it was because they were looking for something - looking for love or because they had got drunk or were high on drugs.
"There was a real sense that they were out of control."
She added: "Sex is an emotional experience for women so how could they have sex without being emotionally involved?"

'Wonderful adventure'

Dr Tuppy Owens, of the Sexual Freedom Coalition, said casual sex could be an empty experience if there was no mental connection.
Dr Owens added: "However, if you go out wondering what might happen, ready to give as well as receive, you might have the most wonderful adventure."
The results of the research appear to clash with the results of a national survey in 2000 which found Britons are more promiscuous than ever before.
The National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles 2000 (Natsal 2000) found that men and women have more sexual partners than they did 10 years ago and are more likely to be unfaithful.
___________________________________________________
Basically what I've said and I didn't need a study to say it...however I did confirm it for myself this week. How stupid...how stupid once again...I guess that's where the sick feeling came from. Sigh.

2006-03-30T23:29:00.000-05:00

Is this what erasing you feels like? Can sex make you feel sick? I actually can't remember what your touch feels like or the feeling of excitement I got anticipating your touch. I don't feel anything. I already have a bad memory and now any memory of us and sex is turned to dust. Unless I share in your recollections I have none of my own. I could rate you, but the details, being swept up in the rollercoaster of memories and recollections...its ebbing away rapidly, so rapidly I didn't realize until it was too late.

JayP

2006-03-30T01:46:00.000-05:00

Jaypella de gyul dem fella. (Smile) cute That became your DJ name. So many things I found cute about you. Funny how things don't turn out how you expect them to. Excuse my rambling ppl I guess I blog when I'm bored, lonely or can't sleep. We had a lot of firsts together more you than me 2nd kiss, 1st blow job, 1st time sex, first time sex in a public place, 1st time PdA when I grabbed you and kissed you with tongue on the street :-) the good days. also the 1st girl to cheat on you. You couldn't wait could you? couldn't you give me the time to reconcile my past before we moved on? I guess your impatience and other circumstances prevented this so I moved on without addressing certain things and yes those things bit our relationship in the ass. He pre-existed....Is that cheating? It was me and him before me and u, an unfinished me and him. Sigh I hate what ifs but I think that both of you will forever be a big What If in my life.
In one of my online chatrooms the question was asked: Committed, Single, Dating, Celibate?
Well I answered all of the above:
Committed to my ex b/c I can't find anyone to move on with
Single I have no boyfriend
Dating but not really since I dont wanna just have a fuck buddy
Celibate since I have no boyfriend but with the occasional vibrator use

I thought I would get laughed at but at least 2 ppl quoted my response, and being completely honest, they used it as their response to the question. How about that.
Sigh, I just depressed myself. I need to just drink a lil rum and send my ass to sleep.

Sexual emancipation?

2006-03-29T22:37:00.000-05:00

(Singing)
You gonna make me fuck somebody else (I'm gonna fuck somebody)
If you keep on treating me the way you do
(you don't wanna do it, you don't wanna do it)
You gonna make me fuck somebody else
If you keep on treating me the way you do
(you don't wanna do it, you don't wanna do it)

Aye yo Fox quick the peepee on niggaz that is freaky
Have them cats wining like Be-Be and Ce-Ce,
Ill Na Na
Pussy hot like a sauna, have yo dick doin' flips in my teddy by Gabanna

Cats be asking can they lick my hole now, feel free
Nigga eat me, treat me
Ya trick, pussy clit lickin'
No ass gettin' dick, first roles
Niggaz is my hoes, top my dough
Wanna lace me with some head after my show, being dat
I'm the nasty bitch that I am, make 'em lick my pearl tongue
And you got to give my girls some, fuck a man
Bitch got the world in her hand, just on spite
Niggaz got to fuck me right

Is this sexually liberated or is this just a young female a puppet in the rap world? Personally I love the song b/c of the chorus and it applies in my life right about now. You're not making me fuck somebody else but b/c I feel like I have no options or at least don't like the options presented to me I think I'll be stepping down from my pedastal and fukking my fuck buddy.
If you have an itch scratch it right? Why be self righteous.
No strings attached sex, you had it before why not again? Why do you think that you are above this? Why? Well for one accidents happen and being that I am not about having babies right now I guess I should abstain - be safe. I may seem paranoid but as a result of how I came into the world if I'm having sex with you you must be daddy material...just in case.

Well my fuck buddy is my fukk buddy because I have no feelings for him besides those of a sexual manner after all wouldn't emotions change the defined, uncomplicated dynamic of a fuck buddy-no strings attached sex? Yet he's not daddy material, yeah he's someone's daddy and someone else's husband (don't judge you don't have the details) but he's not for me, I only want his penis...is that so wrong, is that so unethical? I don't love you but fuck me, fuck me harder then please leave while I fall asleep. It's not that I don't love or care about guys its just that I care about few. This "fuck me and thats all" attitude has resurfaced at other times when my curiousity has gotten the best of me. One person I'll never have sex with again ______, I won't say I regret it b/c now I know, but the other _____ hmmmm definitely an encore.

I have sex with my fuck buddy on my schedule not his but I've had an attack of the conscience for the aforementioned reasons and his services haven't been needed for about 4-5 months roughly. The last time he did put it on me well but since I'm not mentally into him I mean he can only do it to me so well. Well I guess he thinks he is teaching me a lesson yea we talk regularly but the times when I could make him leave his home and 2AM to come fuck me when he has to get up at 6AM for work seem to be gone. Yesterday he asked if I miss him yet. I've proven my point - there is no way he "likes" me what he is sayin is, "have you learnt yet NOT TO TAKE ME FOR GRANTED". And the answer is no b/c if I were to act like a whore in heat, seemingly debase myself (with intent to do so), it would be the biggest ego massage and he would rush over here to "handle his business" and in my mind I would still be detached cuz it was all an act to get what I wanted. I've used it in different situations to the success of the technique....Yea sure you're in charge....(sic)

The fact remains I'm gonna fuck him because I want to, b/c I'm horny, b/c I feel lonely and not because I can't live without his dick. See it's purely physical but isn't our intellect what makes us above animals as humans. Am I regressing by continuing this interaction or am I just being a liberated female only concerned about "gettin mine" and satisfying my need for intimacy even if it is on borrowed time? Fukk women's lib making it hard for decent females to stick to morals, Damn morals for making me question, criticize and judge myself.
SMH - and I'm still undecided.
__________________________________________________
Tried to keep it tight for you...what a waste of time.

2006-03-29T22:26:00.000-05:00

Ok so if we are to see each other we need to make plans. Did that ever occur to you Mr. Busy. Hmmm I guess you are waiting till carnival (roll eyes) Hmmm well I dont think that meeting then is gonna happen cuz I'm sure you will have plans and I am tryin to make plans so I'm not sitting around waiting to be disappointed by you again.

________________________________________________________

Separately
Hmm
Opportunity: check I'm 99% sure yall are gonna be in the same location
Motive: Check curiousity, Yep. Sex appeal, Yep. Aggressiveness, Yep. Its fun breaking out of the sister mold and shocking someone....forbidden fruit I tell ya. Always the sweetest fruit.

________________________________________________________

Hmmm my friend is in Kentucky for an entire week having fun with her new SO (potentially). I could have been having fun with you for a week but you are so difficult and unwelcoming you really don't act like you want me around. It could have been good, why is EVERYTHING a problem with you, nothing is ever gonna be perfect work with what yo..........................I'm over it --->> Moving ON

Yeah I know I'm gonna overdo this video ish for a while

2006-03-28T11:26:00.000-05:00

Here is another vid this time by Fiona Apple - Not about love The version I will post is of her VH1 performance cuz her vid is really weird and I don't wanna bias you against the song.
PS the rest of her CD extraordinary Machine is soooo great. The beats are great it feels like there is music for about 3 songs in one song. That has an actual musical term - I'll look for it, but she uses the same device in Fast as You Can...If you never heard the whole song depending on where you listen from you would prob not realize its the same song.

2006-03-28T10:00:00.000-05:00

Thank you for releasing me.
That was exactly what I needed to hear.
It was instinctively what was in the subconscious of my mind.

As they say where I'm from, "Any number can play now."

I could have been my like my friend notorious for asking inumerable follow up questions. Her nickname is 20 questions. (smile) but to me questions reveal the heart of me and what I am thinking and could make me seem insecure so I didn't ask all the questions I thought of.

Interesting, I hinted at that revalation before and the response was for you to act so repulsed by it...I knew right then, but it couldn't be substantiated so I left it alone. Yet again I felt like I was intruding but talked down my instinct thinking I was just being too sensitive.

Wow a $5000 mistake that I thought had to do with one person but I guess actually its 2 people. Hows about that it took me almost 2 years to realize.

From my experience forbidden fruit trumps a sure thing everytime and I am just way too permissable, so I see the reality in what once again you are hesitant to say ---> MOVING ON!

2006-03-27T16:01:00.000-05:00

I know this is but a speck in the bloggin or webdesign world but I have a vid link in my page do you know how excited I am right now??????????????????/ :)

I really like this song Sia- Breathe me

2006-03-27T14:38:00.000-05:00

The vid is nice I saw it on one of my weekend insomniac trysts. The vid is like a series of polaroids that have an animated effect, you know like when you draw cartoons in a book and flip the pages so it looks like its going frame by frame except that a whole normal video scene was composed and within the vid someone keeps on putting down a series of polariods taken in sequence. It looks like they taped it normal speed then edited using the ring effect that kind of stilted jumpy movements. This is one instance where the visuals didn't hinder only enhanced my appreciation of the song. Vid here http://youtube.com/watch?v=cXN_y3V4ohM&search=sia%20breathe%20me or

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needyWarm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold meI am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Yeah I know its a simple song. Yeah I know I'm weird

It's Not about Sex Either! - Here's some Ether

2006-03-20T01:26:00.000-05:00

What is wrong with me? Anyone I care about is nowhere around me. Being in a relationship for 3+ years has reduced my independence and I've realized that I need to be loved. I need love I want to be loved by a guy...not the I love you over the phone love...the you're around me every day, you don't live in a different country or a different state that it costs too much for me to see you every other weekend....A love that it doesn't take a thought for you to think to call me - it comes naturally; that as many times as you think of me you decide to call me.
I have constantly put myself out there in showing you how much I care and again and again you don't make me feel like I am a priority...I feel like I'm #63 on your list of things to do when you are bored. I always answer my phone when you call...you don't; if I don't call you don't for 2 1/2 weeks, yeah I checked and it's true. You say that we've only discussed the visiting thing like 3 weeks now but since you cancelled in October I've been hoping every weekend that you would show up - my room is immaculate, my mood is great, my bank account is fat enough to treat you to dinner, movies, drinks whatever you need to enjoy your visit...and each weekend I am left with an empty feeling when you don't show up. I wrote an email asking you not to call unless you were calling with a date...you continued to call sans date and I continued to answer my phone. I really don't give a shit about your job and this may sound spoiled but I really don't If you wanted to be here you would be here already. I told you this and you said I was over reacting.
You must know by now that I really care about you, that I really like you. And to solve problems/conflicts your answer seems to be inaction, so no you didn't say you were coming then cancel but not doing or saying what you know you should is just as bad as saying a wrong or hurtful thing. You keep me out of the visitin decision loop and you totally messed up my opportunity to come visit you. Me making excuses for you says: Oh maybe he wants to be the guy and let me save my money since the flight is so expensive, Oh he's worried I won't have anything to do when he is at work and resent that (since after all its spring break).
SMH I chose to spend Spring Break with him. I thought about it 2 weeks b4 and checked tickets which were 200 but I was afraid of being rejected, I was afraid of hearing the weak, unwelcoming, feeling bullied by me YES. I didn't want that kind of yes I wanted a firm that's a great idea yes.
You don't know that I made an active decision to try to spend spring break with you. I guess that's what happens when you make someone your pRiority while you remain their option, option #63 to be exact. I contacted you about flights times etc no response even the night after work, no response so I figured if you weren't pressed to respond I wouldn't be pressed to book my ticket that costs 400+ because I would be flying today for tomorrow. I should have gone where I was loved, where I KNEW I would be loved and valued but hey it was too late - I gambled and lost.
Your behaviour makes me think you know I am attached to you and you don't want me to be attached to you. You don't mind the reprieve from the boredom yet you don't want the rabid attachment of someone miles away thinking of you, telepathically demanding that you call them, coddle them, baby them, love them....and you know what it's ok cuz It's not about love.....I'm sick of love.
And by how you have behaved you've still ensured the self fulfilling prophesy - I do think you are an insensitive asshole who is fully aware of what's wrong, aware of what's expected, aware of what is annoying and hurtful yet you do it anyway to teach me a lesson.
I haven't completely moved on from the lesson but I will.

I should have never listened to your encouragements to start a blog or even let you read mine. I think there is where you made me think you really cared. You wanted me to read your personal thoughts and I decided hey I guess you earned the privilege to read mine but sadly you hadn't. Now for the past almost year my brain has been laid on a cold slab for you to poke and prob through, study, get accustomed to, analyze and abuse....you know entirely too much about how I think but the greatest thing is probably that even I don't know me so you by reading all of this could also never know me.
Succinctly said : Fuck you and fuck off. Unless you are calling to say when, don't call; unless you are willing to be honest about how you feel, don't visit; unless you are willing to give explanations apologies, DON'T CALL ME.

2006-03-18T17:04:00.000-05:00

Weekend Break up manual
1. delete the number then the email address
2. you are gonna think about him but imagine someone else instead of him
3. have sex it will make you much less tense
4. write especially if you have no friends to confide in
5. don't confront him he obviously doesn't see anything wrong with his behaviour so why put effort in to trying to get him to change
6. go to the movies by yourself and escape from 2 hours
7. do not drink
8. cook yourself something
9. never answer the phone if he calls let him use the worldwideweb if he needs to contact you
10. if you answer the phone by mistake (after all his number is deleted) don't bottle it in...curse if you need to tell him fuck off then hang up
11. do not get into another relationship
12. don't bother to flirt it just creates opportunities for fuckity
13. do shave your legs as often as needed and make yourself feel sexy and loved...treat yourself

**********************I'll amend the list as it is revealed to me.

2006-03-18T16:58:00.000-05:00

Asshole
Inconsiderate
Uncaring
Timewaster
Bullshit artist
Dishonest
Boring
Untrustworthy
Not genuine
Pompus
Self absorbed
Self sufficient/-reliant
Indecisive
Liar
Conceited
Selfish
Insincere
Dispassionate

And no I'm not decribing myself.

Thank you Sue ; )

2006-03-08T13:55:00.000-05:00

Ok so basically I stumbled over this show at about 2am sat night on Oxygen network. I'm sure you know about the grandma sexpert its just weird seeing someone so old talk so frankly and informatively about sex.
Anyway. A lot of people seem to think I'm impatient, but I don't think I am so just imagine how much worse my blowups could be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyways what I have realized is that the impatience at certain times results because I'm sexually frustrated. So, I'm usually sweet, patient, nurturing etc except at certain times of the month in my sex cycle when I just get too sexually frustrated. (Yes I am smiling as I am typing this bullshit....actually no I stand behind it coz it makes sense). To to all the people that received irate text messages and emails I was sexually frustrated. What did u think I was going to say I was sorry? --> Since I don't have PMS or period pains ever I guess this is my form of female sufferation.
So you can detect it and avoid me at those times here are some symptoms:
- I am going to be very mean to you even if you could help me with my sexual release.
- I may email or text you instead of calling and shouting because I'm not going to be interrupted while spewing my acid in an email
-People who I don't usually call get random, "how are you doing" calls
- I become even more of an insomniac
- I actually listen to R&B/slows
Not a long list but definitive. Deal with it! Oooh I meant ummmm...yea --> Moving on.

So I get obsessive, I can't function. It's not just that Sex is on My Mind (True song title from the Set it Off soundtrack) it's just that I can't do much else of what I'm supposed to do. Couple that with the fact that I am a HUGE procrastinator I end up doing nothing besides stay in bed, watch TV, and rotate my positions so that I don't get bed sores.

So why not just go out and get fucked you may ask? Well I try to only have sex with ppl I care about, so right now that's not possible cuz they're just too far away. So Sue comes on air and during the course of the show: general topics as well as caller questions reassure me that you're not a nasty girl if you touch your own body and please yourself, it's natural, do what feels good.
Sigh, I'm much less tense, my thoughts aren't multiplying and crowding my mind, so I can think now and realize that I was being a slave to my body. So when I feel it creeping up I know it that There's Something about Mary time and in order not to make bad or hasty decisions I need to take care of business.
This is hilarious. I never thought this would be the something new I learned today. SMH If anyone wants to contribute to the find beginner level sex toys for Taj just post the website link as a comment to this post. Thanks. :-)

crushes?

2006-03-07T11:29:00.000-05:00

Hmmmm you wanted the lights low, while I was sitting in the chair you pulled yours up next to mine and mirrored my posture to the T using a stool as a leg rest, then you draped your jacket over the back on my chair while I was sitting in it and touched my shoulders........as we settled down to look at a video in the class that I am a Teaching Assistant for LOL. Yeah but I still wonder, were you flirting with me? Asking me to explain stuff to you repeatedly and starting conversations where there were none. Hmmmm. I wish Yasmin was in this class she is so astute with that stuff.

Off topic:
I found a wallet at the stairwell in school so I turned around to my classmates opened it checking for the school ID. I found it and asked them if they knew so and so. They answered no, so I was like ok I'll take it to the Department office. They suggest I look through it to find a number, but I think its pointless then they let out high pitch squeals.
"It is stacked .....its so thick I wonder how....................................... Go just carry it to the office. They are lucky you found it."
So I carry it to the office manager tell her the name where I found it. At the end of the day when I get home I use the schools email to search his name and send him an email telling him where it is, but at our school people never check their school email for months on end ...so I think its futile.
After the weekend my professor tells me Ms. Stotts (office manager) wants to see me. She says the guy left an enveloppe he was soooo thankful, I guess there was a lot of money in the wallet. So I got a $20 and a cute thank you note with his cell number, he wants to thank me verbally as well.
So Yasmin comes in the office while Ms Stotts tells the story and the first thing out her mouth is "Is he attractive?" in her hard southern drawl and rattles on to say that would be a cute story to tell my kids how me and their father met.......Isn't she crazy. Then going out sometimes after leaving somewhere she would say, "What's wrong with him?" Who? I reply. The guy that was checking you out etc etc....... I won't say she's crazy but she may see things that I just don't.

Back to the story:
No it isn't unethical if he is flirting I don't make up their tests or anything for the class, this time and everyone gets the same attention and information. And no he's not a lil undergraduate its a grad level course (open to all levels) and he is a grad student. And he is actually kinda cute okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk a euphemism he's hot and he's smart and all the girls in the class try to study with him, borrow stuff from him and talk to him. It's so high school but so cute. It's almost spring break, middle of the semester and I've just started realizing he could have been flirting with me b4 this week. Boy AM I THICK!

But it's aight I probably still won't do anything about it. Remember my Hi5 friend....Well a friend of mine much like Yasmin encouraged me to write him a message (despite the fact that he lives out of state). So I get a response back the next day with his number, a request for mine and if not that a request for me to call him and a pool game challenge. That was on Thursday last week and I have not replied since. Not a word. Why am I such a punk? SMH

2006-03-05T17:47:00.000-05:00

Isn't it annoying when people customize their blogs so much that the "next blog" button disappears and they have a visitor counter on their blog. Steups.

Procrastination is the worst sin ever. Why did you have to choose this weekend to shake him off? You have a big Biostats exam to study for........

A Quote

2006-03-05T16:50:00.000-05:00

You look in the mirror and you don't like what you see? Don't believe it!
Look into my eyes. They are the only mirror you need!
- Bernie in The Cooler

I am still waiting to find my mirror, but in the typical post 90s women's lib I guess I should be my own mirror. Not there yet but I'm working on my own rehab manual.

Reflections of the way ......

2006-03-04T21:02:00.000-05:00

Would I have been taller, a smoker, had different hair or pretty brown eyes like yours if I was your daughter. You know I wanted to be yours and since I didn't know my real father I convinced myself that I was yours. It was a perfect match our personalities, likes and dislikes. Some of my favourite times were curled up on the couch with you watching our favorite movies Godfather trilogy Carlito's way and many other gangsta flicks.
I loved you , I really loved you. I wasn't even jealous of the attention that you showed mom because you had your own relationship with both of us and you made her soooo happy. I wasn't territorial b/c you had a way of showing love to us both that never made me feel excluded. I remember that summer we spent the entire summer with you. Was it a trial? Anyway that summer I became the best card player ever at 9. It was bliss learning from you and just being in your quiet presence. You were the first of my mom's boyfriends that I actually liked, and that didn't try to make our house your own.
I remember one day you picked me up from sign language class and took me to the park on the way home, a detour I begged for. I played to my heart's content and upon leaving I said ok this will be our secret. You knelt to my eye level and said "never keep secrets from your mom, she should be your best friend." My heart glowed that was exactly the right thing to say but I never listened since you've obviously never been around a frazzled, single mother when even the smallest infraction starts a World War. However, I noted your sincerity and genuine concern for our mother daughter relationship.
One summer I was sent away on vacation, but it was really so that mom could finish building the house and moving in peace and quiet without having to drop me to my friend's house, to dance, to the movies, or find 3 square meals a day for me even though she went hungry etc. I didn't mind, and when I came back an entirely new house, new everything but you were still there.

Then it was like one weekend you were there then you weren't and mommy was crying and angry and not answering the phone or picking it up and hanging it up. Through listening at doorways or sneakily picking up the phone I learned You cheated, yet I didn't care. I wanted her to take you back - Desperately. Nothing was ever said or explained to me. I had no idea if it was that you were really married, or had children with this woman, if my mom was your girlfriend and you cheated on mom or if my mom was the "outside chick". Whatever it was you were gone from my life in a swift blink of an eye and I have never recovered. So when I see people with your last name or see someone who looks like you in a crowd I wonder.....is he my daddy?

While my friends always attract nurturing take charge guys I always attract the ones that need help, that make me to take charge. I have had to be independent and adult for so much in my life that I wonder when is it gonna end. Because I have always had to be responsible I wonder when can I relax and why the things that I do that would be considered great achievements for other ppl just seem like not enough for me.

Yeah I have worked myself up into getting a headache. Everyday I am alone, everyday I walk alone.

Fukkkin HI5

2006-02-25T15:37:00.000-05:00

Yeah oh a new friend request sent to my inbox. Hmmm name is familiar but there are lots of guys with that name plus I don't know your last name. Yah I had a big enough crush on you but I'm not obsessive. So I click on the links yada yada and my heart is actually beating a lil faster as your profile opens and I see your pic and realize it really is you. You only have 20 friends tho' how did you find me so fast. I could find 20 friends to send request to, people I actually speak to on a daily to weekly basis, not someone I never even had a phone convo with.
This is strange....did you have a crush on me too? Hmmmm I guess somehow you noticed me and simultaneously didn't let me realize you did.

Ok I'm not going to name our kids now because of this it was just a cute surprise. ***Click >>> "New Friend Added" ****Right click and save those pics of you in your gallery, and I hope you did the same for me ;)

2006-02-25T11:58:00.000-05:00

Omigosh why am I watching this slavery recollection thing on HBO with ppl like Don Cheadle, Angela Basset and Oprah voicing slave recollections( yeah I know its been out a while). It reminds me of the 1st time I really hated white ppl in general. It wasnt the individual it was the whole race. I don't usually hate anyone and intellectually I know what's right and I don't really hate whites now (they aren't their ancestors or are they***) It's just....

How could anyone be soooo cruel. (and don't say shit about Africans selling each other into slavery) So when I first hated white people I think it was because I watched the movie Panther. I actually cried. I thought I knew about slavery just because I was black, they were enslaved and not paid and treated badly, visited the sugar mills ecetera ecetera. But as a 9 yr old did I really get it? Hell no!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think what also did me in about Panther is not realizing that after slavery there were Jim Crow laws then into the whole Civil Rights movement. Naively I thought slavery is abolished, enslaved people were free. I don't like to call my ancestors slaves because no one is born a slave, no one is born with that mentality. It was bred into them, they were taught to be slaves - they were ENslaved. I don't think I would do very well as a slave. There is this book (will find out the name) where the author is basically transported back in time to slavery days and as a 21st century woman she tries to endure it to ensure that in the future her family line lives. I don't think she makes it....(I'll check the facts) But I KNOW I would not be able to make it I would be too insolent too headstrong. But then again I would be taught how to be a slave: how to be docile, keep your head down and work hard, how to be deceitful (because I wouldnt actually love and agree with massa), and most of all how to endure suffering. I think I would have tried to run away. I hope I would have had the courage.

When I hear slave recollections what I notice most is the violence and the psychology of fear that they used to keep people enslaved and I wonder "why don't white people beat their kids?" Yes I am making a sweeping generalization and ppl of both races beat blah blah blah. But seriously a disparate number of whites decide that beatings are not a method of punishment for their kids. Is it that they're afraid they're gonna be treating their kids like niggers/ slaves. Aren't they the ones that introduced Blacks to the Bible and the verse "spare the rod and spoil the child". They never followed that. Black people sometimes think hey a lil slap now and then is necessary to keep their kid in line. And is it what we believe, what we've been taught, or what has work via trail and error parenting?

niggers
All through the "documentary" thats what they referred to each other as...the massas called them that and thats how they referred to each other. Kinda like now. I don't say Nigger but I'm not gonna knock somebody, judge them or act as if they're setting Black people back 200 yrs by using it. It doesn't apply to me and rolls off my back.

I'm (was) a dancer and we did all types of dance but I know slave dances, how the costumes look. I called them costumes because I was playing a role but then I realized this was someone's real like this is their history this is what they wore then. Its like you are a historian. We integrated to games they (children) played into the routine as a segue between 2 different dance types. It was fun. I thought of it that these were dances that free slaves did - not anything they had to hide to do. Yeah I know I lie to myself ;)

*** Back to above I see myself as a product of my ancestors - of the past. What about white people? Given their legacy how do they reconcile that to themselves. Also given power over someone, (the psychology experiments with the jolt of electricity, or even the one where student were guards in a faux prison) every human has the potential to abuse it. How many thing that slavery day can come back? Someone may be rolling their eyes saying it never left, but I'm talking about explicit slavery.

Well I'm done. I don't hate white people my mother is white. LOL I'm joking but seriously though no problems mon! I just have a wandering mind.

Hmmm of course now I'm wondering if being an atheist is so bad I mean who was the one that told us about that white Jesus. And I do have recollections of going to confirmation classes and getting shut down about the "is Jesus black? " debate with my white, English, left ear pierced and ponytailed priest. Can you believe it? A hippy priest STILL arguing that Jesus could never be Black. He didn't even acknowledge the possiblity. Ok I'll stop here.

The person I'd most like to meet?
Yeah Mandela would be nice I would like to meet...............................................................................Me 12 years ago. And I am sooooo serious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-02-24T20:28:00.000-05:00

Gosh I think my life is a little ridiculous, either that or the smallest things surprise me or I'm surprised they happen to me.
Hmmmm well he told me "I can make you proud to be a woman if you choose to be with me". What!?! see what I mean about only the freaks approaching me only this guy is a well educated freak a colleague. He looks and seems older. He says that he has been observing me and he has liked my manner for a while its just that he doesn't like to make snap decisions. So apparently he's thought about this a lot, in his words he wants to, "hook up with me". Now I am not biased but I am kinda prejudiced against african guys. Also was the essense of his 1st statement lost in translation? What is that supposed to mean that he is going to pamper me? Empower me? Help me discover myself or give me mindblowing sex?
I have noo desire to be with this guy. Why? I simply can't even see myself kissing him so the debate begins and ends there. Now where the problem lies is that I'm an Aquarian and one of 2 extremes very blunt or an uncharacteristically docile yes-woman. So I'm not trying to be rude since I have to see this person everyday anyway, but I need some tips. All things must come to an end but my friends have the knack for prolonging the inevitable all the while being taken to dinner and having most of their non physical needs met. Go figure. In come cases it ends badly but they never kissed them or eanything else and the caveat is there "I never saidd we were getting together , I said you could get to know me". I dont like to waste my time. I would not hang out at his place far fron anywhere I know. I dunno maybe I'm just paranoid but I feel victimized very easily. I'm especially wary of anyone I have to hide from my friends.....You know when you're alonewith someone and you tell them "Hey if I kill you right now noone would be the wiser," that chill you feel when you realize its the truth is how I feel when I'm chiling with someone I'm not attracted to and not comfortable being around.
I mean this is probably the 2nd time I've had more than a 5 minute conversation and he's saying he wants to be with me and been watching me for a while. After my lesbian experience (a friend became interested me and for longer than I appreciated attempted for us to develop "something more") I am so distrusting..... He's been noticing me- to me thats a red flag not a compliment and no I'm not going to change my mind about that. How is this relationship going to enrich my life cuz I sure as hell know I can't do anything for him besides sex. I'm not dumb I'm a nice girl but I don't think my company adds up to that much for him to seek me out.

If you're one of those people that hate to hear people talk about how annoying it is when guys approach them yet complain that they cant find the right guy then hate me. Its okay I've had a lot of practice...actually no most people like me...Actually here is a question: how many people are there that you wished you had never known?

A friend has told me that I like "the experiment" that I am curious. I am glad for the learning experiences that I have had but since I am slow to understand the lesson of the incident and take things at a case by case basis its inevitable that I make repeat mistakes on the same learning pt. So with all that said I would erase about 2-3 people from my life. One person because I lost a lot of money and I'm sure if I thought for 1/2 a second longer I would make a different decision. Another person because he's the one that says he loves you and you really want to believe it, but deep down you figure he doesn't its a possessive kinda love, its the Big WHAT IF kinda love where if a whole lot of variables were different you could/maybe/kinda still be compatible and wrk out - yet that person has been down for you since day one and would sacrifice limbs for you and you know that and they don't care if you actually reciprocate. Yeah its that deep and freakish. I think my best days were spent with him -meaning the days where I was best in my life...not because of our relationship but because of me. I've lost the art of conversation or the people I talk to are dumb. Its been a while I have had a conversation not me complaining or bitching about the crazy shit that happens in my life just an exchange of opinions.

I think I need relationship rehab really badly. I was in a long term relationship that ended suddenly for no reason other than distance. Soon after that I met someone and my body was in it but not my mind...great huh especially since I was not even looking for a relationship. But then somewhere along the way I think I started to like him...you know what I think I more started to appreciate him, I started to feel like he cared.

OFF TOPIC around that time I also realized that girls don't "catch feelings" we have them from the start. When we decide to sleep with someone we already like them and are hoping that the physicality matches the emotional click.

Anyway I think I am mad at him because I didn't start liking him till he said he liked me. I didn't venture in that realm of the emotional b/c he was gonna be moving soon, same story as my ex. Then he likes me then he's like you should move here...and if you did I don't think we would ever break up. However, he can't even make time to visit me, hardly calls or is available when I call, yet he talks about the great sex we had and listens when I have problems. Its a weird mixed signal melange. I get over people most times because that extra interest isnt there. I'll be your friend for life but Significant Other relationships come very slowly for me b/c I've decided that I like you. Woe is me I thik I need a style network show to tutor me on how to get over someone...pathetically someone I've never been with.

So thats my three. I won't erase the guy (I'll just think of one or just give the 3 one face one incident that makes it easier to deal with and file away) that almost molested me because I think its important that children knows depravity is out there it makes them all the more grateful when they are spared and left untouched. It also intruduces you to the psyche of the human and after that nothing in life should ever disappoint you. Well that hasn't happened to me the various incantations of how someone could violate you simply increased. It seems for me the more and the sooner I say I'm over a bad experience the more the next incident ravages me like a maelstrom.

Aight Traffic is on and I'm a sucker for a movie so I am gone and dreading calls at the bootcall hour AS IFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!! {The immortal words of Cher in the movie Clueless}
- Ciao

2006-02-21T13:30:00.000-05:00

Dont say you love/like me when:

-you have sex with someone else and you enjoyed it
-when you said the meaning of my name sounds like shit then say that was you acting out
-you aren't really listening to me and really want to have sex
-you can't please me and come prematurely almost every time yet you go the distance with someone else
-after my christening I never saw you again and saw ur ace in a pic for the 1st time at 8/9 yrs old
-you masturbate on a webcam in front of me
-you try to masturbate again in front of me when I said b4 that I didnt like it
-you have sex (lose your virginity) with someone else 2 days after we broke up
-we were never in a relationship but you told everyone we were and that you had to dump me b/c I got boring
-we are supposed to be friends are both females and you KNOW that I am straight, not interested and its never going to happen
-you are forcing me to keep a secret that makes me unhappy
-you don't remember my birthday
-you can't make time for me
-you know you are a little too big and aren't gentle enough during sex
-you won't go down on me
-you have a girlfriend
-you are just curious and not emotionally invested
-you are just out of a relationship and on the prowl
-you are supposed to be my friend and my friend ONLY
-I don't trust you.

I'm sure it could be longer but why should I depress myself further...

2006-02-21T13:17:00.000-05:00

He was never my friend. When I gave him my blog address that was death. I confided in him because he would be easy to cut off if I needed to ever ignore him or get him out of my life. And the funny thing is he said he cares but if I asked him to never call again he would do just that. Apart from my 2nd boyfriend I have never given someone so many opportunities to hurt me; not by words but definitely through dissappointment via lack of action. Libras are usually my friends I should have know not to try to make romantic overtures towards one. Exactly what attracts me to them as friends is exactly what annoys me about him. This romance wasn't even aborted or still born cuz it never even had an opportunity to catch afire. Of course it was fire in bed but I'm a girl, a girl that has been abandoned at many points in her life and sex is really not enough.
I never have a response if someone likes me because I've realized deep down that I think if a father cannot show love towards a daughter, reach out and make an effort then why do you want to. I am unloved by someone who is bound even if by duty to show me love and they haven't. When I say my father doesn't love me i don't me that he beat me etc. but by his actions or lack thereof I feel unloved.
If I got really anal I could tally the number of days I have ever seen my father's face and then extrapolate the number of hours that I have been face to face with him. I don't think I have ever heard the words I love you, I miss you, I am sorry.
What I am typing here this is what I am ashamed to let any boyfriend, husband see b/c its weak and needy and this is exactly why I push people away; Female friends, boyfriends etc.

2006-02-20T17:42:00.000-05:00

Could I have a friend? Could I have a male friend that just wants to be a friends? Sigh I would like to make friends but as soon as they make it known its tough to scale the relationship back...Its confusing friends, then you approach me differently then after that I guess you are embarassed or hurt and there goes another one.

Regression

2006-02-19T12:17:00.000-05:00

This weekend I hung out with friends. I didn't talk to them on the phone or just go to a party with them; I sat and talked with friends who have known me since I was 11, 16 and 5 and it was an eyeopener. I never realize that there were so many problems with males and females interacting or even finding a guy. I have no siblings I grew up with...I had a single mom who was really private. If she had problems paying the morgage or didn't go to the grocery I wouldn't know if it was that the $ wasn't there or she just hadn't got to it yet and weekend soon come. So, as a result I am friendly and share with my friends but none of them really know private things about me like I have 5 siblings two I found out about at 10, one at 17, another at 24 and another at 25...Anyway
Yeah so I have had 3 boyfriends and they found me, I was never looking but I got approached got to know them and a relationship ensued. Attending college abroad at such a pivotal age (18-) its like where you go to school becomes your new home: you accumulate stuff, have to make new friends, get to know your city/town, get to know "your" special restaurant you like and you get so integrated in the place its difficult to decide where is really home. Home is where you grew up but now you have roots in this new place too. I am an aquarian so I can adapt but I dont do change well unless its a last resort. So its like a double consciousness (I'm not trying to throw dirt on Du Bois' term for using it but it seems to fit) you dont feel like you can live in either place. At home everyone looks at you like ur crazy if you wanna move back but everyone that seems to love you (and that you love) is home or in that general area. At school you have friends but... its different. You have independence, access to lots of stuff etc but you dont have the love factor. So, you turn around at start looking at options for love...none. All these crumb snatchers are born in like 80 something...What?!? Then everyone that you know you are not interested in, and its not b/c they are good guys (and there is the fallacy that girls always fall for the bad guys), its all about attraction and compatability. I'm a lazy person, my friends from school never believe I did track so I cannot see myself leaving my environment (school) to go to places (bars, lounges, bookstores, museums, concerts) in order to meet new people. Annoyingly ironic how the person you are not intersted in ALWAYS approaches you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Steups

So for one friend the guy gave her mixed messages. They were friends. He went specially to her job after he graduated to hang out etc...but then he wouldnt call her as often as she called him, so she cut her calls down to 2x a month and tries not to obsess in the meanwhile. She even mentioned it, his lack of calling, and he emailed her his call log from his phone company debating that he called just as much. I wont go on but she basically stopped calling and so did he but with marginal emailing in the middle.

Why does it have to be so hard? I've never experienced this. So you were interested then changed your mind....say something. I never even heard about the 3 day rule till I was 24. If you give a guy your number or vici versa you have to wait 3 days if you are planning to call...why not the 1st day? You will look too eager. blah blah blah I say but it seems like the dating game is about games. And one of my friends has the whole protocol down cold.

Although I've had boyfriends I dont think I've dated. For me (about 2x) I started off knowing they liked me as a girlfriend and one started off as a friend so it started from friendship, but I never went out with more than one person at a time even as friends. The guys (before and after we were in a relationship) called when they thought about me which was often, they called when they wanted to talk, bullshit, hear my voice, or discuss or share something and strangely enough this really private person found that she could open up.
I was self conscious then as I am now but why does it seem more difficult to meet options....to find potential in someone or even the potential someone.

A male friend of mine says that I'm dangerous. He says that I understand the games guys play too well and that I'm kinda heartless... I operate like a guy when the emotion isn't there and it seldom is. He says I see and understand things that girls usually get hung up on or act emotional over. I think it depends on whether I like or trust the guy. When I don't fuck yea its easy to be detached. So I guess I don't like or trust much.

I've been spoken to in a manner that I didn't like, but I didn't take much of a stand cuz it rolled off my back. I didn't care too much what that person said about me, but that didn't mean that they had the right to speak to me like that. Because I don't let outside things bother me it seems like people try to hurt/provoke me to evoke some sort of emotion. It's like I frustrate them. Imagine someone told me they really loved me but they are over it now. I said I was sorry ( I say those words too quickly sometimes) but my 1st reaction was to laugh. You loved me?! That's how you show love? I was right to put you in the a$$hole outbox and move on. Then, there are others that say they care but I think, you don't know me, I know how you percieve me and you are all wrong. You care in a superficial way and you don't even realize it. Its like:

I opened my eyes while you were kissing me once, more than once.
And you looked as sincere as a dog.
Just as sincerce as dog....
When its the food on your lips with which its in love. (Fiona Apple - Parting Gift)

When ppl say they like me the half cocked eyebrow goes up and in my mind I'm like...you don't know me. What about me do you like?..Granted I am not rich, superfine, or have connections but I still have a pussy and having at least that still gives me the right to be skeptical of guys and if they are genuine. To me there are lots of pretty girls, there are nice girls, girls with personality.....Why me? Do you see a weakness in me? Do I look easy to manipulate? Tell her a bunch of lines, let her think she runs things then all of a sudden you buss on your average and realize "oh shit he never cared he just had a honey tongue".

Ummm I got distracted by VH1 web junk show sooo this post is done.... But why is male/female interaction so difficult. Am I a late bloomer? Why am I now realizing this?

Carnival come back again! - Iwer

2006-02-19T11:38:00.000-05:00

Yeah I miss home. I go read Trinidad Express and they are talking about Kiddies carnival. And I miss everything: the costume, wining with your friends for the whole day in the band, how if you were under 12 it was taboo and embarassing when a guy that liked you in primary school jumped in de band and tried to grind on you, the way the glitter was all over my body and you and your close friends would do the identical glitter design on each others face, how we could tramp for miles and miles as long as the music was playing and the adult with our money kept the snow cones and suck-a-bags coming. I loved the feeling of going on the stage and displaying your costume after waiting for hours in the morning while the entire band assembled and dressed as the morning went from cool sunrise to blazing hot midday sun.
When I got older of course you felt you were too big to play mas and too self consious to tramp about in town in basically a bra and panties b/c boys are actually checking for you now. So your carnival schedule changes and carnival begins with the Queen show the Friday night where you profile and basically never end up watching to the show unless a friend of yours is participating. Then J'ourvet where you get away with wearing the skettiest or oldest pair of short shorts you have and a top cut in all the right places...you may play with a J'ourvet band and get totally covered with paint, power or both, or you could just go down to town right after a friend's Dimache-Gras lime and literally party till the sun came up on your dutty condition and then some.
When you got older, comfortable with your body, and had the company of the friends in your dance troupe you start back playing mas and after leaving J'ourvet at maybe 12 midday you rush home to bathe eat and catch an hr sleep to be back in town for 2pm when the band assembles. Lawlessness all day, wining not too much drinking cuz you already working with the J'ourvet hangover and with the dancing in the sun you don't need another reason to be dehydrated. You hear your favorite songs as much as you want to hear it. De big truck fuh de band is like yuh own personal dj making you feel good. No Coldplay today as much as you love them....no depressing reflective music its all about now....celebrating that you your smile your body your nationality is on display and you are not ashamed or shy as you usually are and you are "relaxed". Amazing this is what carnival does for me. Yeah its a big lime but you are with friends alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll day and even the most annoying one is never annoying.

So after the mas get home around 8 bathe shower eat, back into down by10/11pm to party. Party till morning. Repeat above and go out for mas and today is more important. Today you need to wear your full costume cuz its judging day and its not totally about you its about your band so energy energy energy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After mas back home and the cycle again. Back into town and the coutdown begins b/c at 12 midnight sharp the revelry ends. So although you resolved that you're gonna look non shiny and cute in your outfit you end up sweating like ah sket at a gangbang and when Machel and Iwer say on de ground you never realize when you ended up hands on the asphalt wining wit ah snakeoil waist. (Yeah de wantoness of your friends gives you courage LOL)
Twelve come and the police shut down the music and you go home to switch on the radio and realize that the "soca switch" done and they playing Brandy's - Have you ever on the radio. WTF?!? what happen to de wutliss lyrics that was playing in my head since Christmas.
Now the true debate starts should I go to school the next day as a badge of honor has a survivor of Carnival that has the strengh replete with leftover glitter on my face, chest, arms ....it never goes away easy ppl. PPl who work generally dont go to work and go chill on the beach next day. As a school chile u mad I try to do that?!!
Then the recollections start. who wine wit who (mind you they never spoke or acknowlege each others presence but you made a new friend) whose band won de mas competion, who got drunk, what ppl wore for J'ourvet (diapers, men in bras wig and lingerie/ girls in cat suits and impossible pum pum pummie shorts lol) Who end up getting horn (bun) in public cuz when u need to wine you need a good partner so many guys and girls end up holdin de wall while their SO literally wears out the cloth covering another girl's ass. Girls who realize from if they met their man in the party with someone else (whose outfit he paid for) that they were actually the side chick and not the main squeeze like they thought.
Ahhh memories
And its worse cuz I went home for xmas so I know the songs and I felt the vibe. Dont stop giving it to me.......................................

I was

2005-12-29T03:16:00.000-05:00

...going to write a long blog venting and informing you about what's going on in my life but what's the point its not as if you care, can solve it or turn back time. Besides the generic stuff I think that I am done posting at this blog address. My personal stuff either won't be on the net or I'll devise a new addy. I'm done with talking to people about stuff. It has no profit. So I expect to be mad soon, no blog no one to talk to. It's coming yall - my kalagos thanatos.

suspension

2005-12-24T17:50:00.000-05:00

I'm not as smart as I think and I've been doing some messed up not too smart stuff and I don't wanna talk about that stuff so I'll have nothing to blog about for a while. See ya. Good stuff has happened too but I'm not enthused about relating the concerts, culture, music, parties or people. I just need to return to being self reliant and refocus on the Alchemist. Later

Oh Gorm

2005-12-19T16:22:00.000-05:00

Ok well I home in de damn heat....actually it not that hot and actually I wouldn't even complain about that. Gladdddddddddddd to be home see friends and family and eat some excellent food and to meet the new generation of crumb snatchers. Like everybody have ah lil one...where is MINE. They sooo sweet and cute and surprisingly good. Nobody is complaining about the middle of the night feeding they seem to sleep straight thru the night. With any luck and my karma my baby alone will be unlike the new breed and get up at least 3 times for the night to be fed. Sigh. But they really are sweetiepies and they will be saying Auntie T by next Christmas.
Ohmigosh I almost did not recognize my own cousin he is sooooooo talllllllllllllll of course taller than be by about 3 inches and he is only 16yrs old. He also a lil skinny but he trying to work on it...more on my findings with that later.
The family I left wasn't the same one that I met on this vacation lets just say its a lil fractured and the person that I should be annoyed with I can't bring myself to be annoyed with cuz he's like my favorite uncle. But in the words of Chris Rock from that movie...."That 'aint right." Hmmm still waiting for some friends to come home so start liming but I not to sure if they will be caught up with boyfriends....seems like everybody import ah boyfriend ain't none of dem natives. Steupssssssssssssssssssss (hiss of annoyance)

Oh gosh and of course I came just in time to help with Christmas cleaning gggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Curtains, cobwebbing etc etc
Oh there is this new mom and son living nearby and the son is my lil cousin (David) age. The lil boy's name is ...................................................RAINBOW. Sigh and the other day a boy name Usher come knocking on our door to see if David brother Kevin was over here. Oh boy ay! Mom tryna explain to me that Rainbow mom is a Bahai. I mean I've heard of them but I ent too sure what their religion is about.

Anyway even tho the boy is a Bahai I figure he and David must be perfect for each other. Anyone know this new calypso. summin bout

Wet mih
Wet mih

Well I don't know how this 11 and 9 year old know de song but dey both equally slack. Picture two impish skinny little boys; one wit his hands up wining fuh dear life and de odda spraying him wit a hose singing the chorus above. Well I stand there in shock fuh ah while then David realize I was watching and it was hil-ar-ious to see him try to get Rainbow to stop wining. Man I laugh till ah cry. Those two are some slackers. Now all I have to do is think "wet mih" and I burst into scandalous peals of laughter and have ppl watching mih funny. Well yes. I wonder if they really know what de song mean... I guess so. Hmmmm I was reminded when Itold mom about it that I wasn't much better. One time a local comedian, Tommy Joseph, on par with Chris Rock or Dave Chappelle with the descriptive sexual inuendoes, had a comedy show and per usual I was dragged out to basically entertain myself at the event while the adults sat down and listened to jokes. Well on one of my exploration breaks, well maybe it was more to sit and eat popcorn and soda, I came and sat near to mom and started listening to the show. Well Mom doesn't remember the joke but it was verrrrrrrrrry rude and inappropriate..... well fuh a 6-7 yr old. She said I laughed sooooooooo hard everybody was looking around and she basically clap her hand ovah my mouth and just drag me out of the seating area. Maybe I got licks I doan even remember...I don't even remember the incident but she said that night she wanted to die. People were probably wondering what kind of conversations we accustomed having home.

Oh and well I told her about the boycott of Barron and she laughed then added on "that night is like you were more vex dan (than) de patrons. Telling people 'Take your time, take your time!' When they were trying to get their money back. Sometimes I don't know what used to possess you."
Yeah I'm snickering but apparently I was really bad. When ppl recount to me memories of my youth. Birth to about 11 yrs old apparently I was de baddest. I took de licks and still did my own thing. Thank God for the intimidation of high school or else I would have never gotten my act together. I guess as an aquarian I'm stubborn and independent and scorpios feel they must be in charge and know it all. I dunno but I can say now it costs nothing to beat your kids...cuz right now I don't even remember half the things I got really bad licks for....hmmm that might be because of the beatings. Hmmmmmm.............................

So much more is happening but I ent have enough time or else I won't be living my vacation so byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Wet mih down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

The Weekend edition (caliente) well sorta

2005-12-11T16:13:00.000-05:00

Ok so I guess I am a post whore. Hmm well post whore may be to strong a word but you get the idea. I'll be shallow here cuz I'm so deep and serious in my everyday life. Plus if I really waited to post something meaningful...well let's just say I would have no way to spend my free time.

So my girlfriend had a birthday lime (gathering of friends hanging out) on Saturday and it was pretty good. There was the usual trying to liquor everyone up to lower inhibitions to get the party started. Well there was no stripping but conversations were definitely risqué and at least for me there was a plethora of shocking events. Well maybe not a plethora, but it was a lil funny.

1) I got one offer for no strings attached cunnilingus at my earliest convenience with a guaranteed “happy ending”. Evidence offered up for collateral? He said look this way and put up his hand like he was about to tell me a secret then showed me his skill. He can touch his nose with his tongue. Site duly noted. (with raised eyebrows) He was like u don’t look like ur gonna take me up on my offer. I was like well I’m going on vacation I’ll be back in January so I’ll think about it. He wasn’t happy about it but he said aight. There is more for this one but I feel my carpel tunnel coming on ( I typed this sentence after I completed the blog)

2) I had an appointment. If I chose to accept my mission the appointment was at 4:30AM sharp in the master bedroom. I know I know how do I get myself into these things right. And it was funny cuz I didn’t even drink that much. I had a Smirnoff Ice and just sipped a bit from the bartender’s drink all night. I don’t even think that measured up to one full drink. Anyway because I am how I am I keep the appointment just to see how far he is trying to go and what his game is like. See this is another problem. He’s not a new random guy, he’s a friend so I really wanna see what kinda heat he’s packing. So I get there are he’s all sprawled off on the bed on his back like he’s soooooooooooo exhausted and napping. Huh? Wadeva! Aight so I’m game and this is so funny cuz I’m not buzzed or anything it’s just me being me. Anyway so I creep up to him on the bed all feline-like, straddling him, but not sitting on him with boobs and groin matched up to the appropriate areas with just enough light teasing pressure to let him know, “Hey, I’m here whud it do?” Oh I forgot in addition to the light rubbing he got a wakeup kiss - on the cheek. Ok great ur up now. He opens his eyes and besides seeing me less than an inch from his face the first thing he does is look down at his crotch and realizes that I’m close enough to feel him throbbing through his jeans. Wicked! Ahahahahah LOL. His expression is sooo cute. It says “Fuck!!!!!! How can I get both of our clothes off without her changing position? Then as is customary all good things come to an end. The ever inquisitive birthday girl breaks up our party. I heard her coming a mile away. I was standing up like I entered the room just a minute ago to dutifully check on a tipsy friend. That was my sign playtime’s over and this really wasn’t meant to be. Awww well. He looked like a kid who had his best Christmas gift given away to someone less fortunate. You know it’s the right thing to do but it hurts sooo bad. I believe this was the first time him and his best gal pal weren’t in sync. Either that or she knew what was up and was saying “Homey don’t play that!” Either way it was pretty funny. (IMHO) Lucky for me I was tension free or else it may have been a different situation. It could have become quiet frisky.

3) I got called selfish by a booty call. Well not quite a booty call that would imply that we don’t hang out or have any interaction besides sex and that’s just not true – we’re cool. Anyway. He said I was selfish because we basically only have sex when I want to which is like once every... (you didn’t think I was gonna be specific right?) Hmmm My response to that was …ummm whats wrong with that? He’s like 3/10 times it should be when I want to but right now 10/10 times it’s only when you feel for it. Again I gave him the “dumb look”. What’s wrong with that? So here comes my first argument. “Why do something I don’t feel for it especially since we have no commitments to each other?” Guys say that girls bring up old “discussions”?! Well he brought up this one time we were having some discussion and I said us having sex was kinda pointless it was like random sex. Lord who let me think an honest conversation could ever be totally honest. He shouted over the phone, “So mih bloodcleet random!” The remainder of that conversation is for another time. So that was his exhibit 1 for my selfish uncaring nature.
So my next point was, you know our situation, me having sex when I’m not in the mood and you are is reserved for relationships. You sacrifice not so that you can collect on your good deed in the future, but simply because the love and commitment is there you want them to feel good. So, why should you get the benefits of a bonafide relationship when there is none? Hmmm?
He’s like it’s okay. The fact is you’re selfish, but it’s okay. I still love you (totally not in the serious way, trust me.)
So I bring out the big guns. I said think about your daughter when she gets to 22, would you want her throwin’ de pum (pu**y) out there to someone who wasn’t special, who wasn’t her boyfriend and committed to her? His response was fathers only want to know if you have a boyfriend. If you don’t they just try not to think about it.
Sigh such a total copout. So I didn’t concede that I was selfish, but I agreed with him that sex between us is on my schedule and I don’t feel a bit remorseful about it not in the least. And that makes me smart and not selfish. Trust, if I did not take that stance the tables would probably be reversed. I would be chasing him at all hours and he would be penciling me in between his other house calls. As it is right now I get a request. The request that was the question of the day a few posts ago. Its funny this blog isn’t in real time so basically I got distracted watching tv for 15 mins so now I’m back.

4) That playing dumb and that dumb look works so well. I don’t really have a close biological brother but Anthony (* not his real name) is close enough. So he’s twisted because he’s had at least 10 of the Fuck ME up good mixed drink that was the bartender’s special that night, so I have to drive home and he’s gonna crash by me. So sorry guy from #3 its not going down tonight. So we’re driving home and I’m obeying all the laws, but speeding up to make GREEN lights I didn’t even go thru any amber. Anyway I get stopped by the cops and right off the bat he acts like a hardass. This is after we wait 7 mins for him to run the tags to determine if the car is stolen or not and we’re gonna blast him as soon as he gets to the window. Sigh, a mere 7 blocks from home at about 5 in the morning. Asshole you should let me get home ASAP instead of letting the sleep exhaustion factor step in. (Did I mention I’d been going since 9am for a friend’s grad ceremony, xmas shopping, baby sitting and a real baby that you have to run around with change, feed, sing lullabyes to and entertain, then straight to the lime….now this) So he’s a hardass comes to the window, this blue eyed blond haired white guy. In DC you wouldn’t think there would be so many white boobies. Anyway. He asks me the speed limit in DC. Puhlease at this hour in the morning. I start to say 45 then Anthony says 30 so I say 30. Then I’m like I’m asking you is it 30? In a totally soft spoken non-confrontational way. He is ticked off and he knows I didn’t know.
POPO: How fast were you going?
ME: I don’t know
POPO: That’s what that thing there is for he says pointing at the speedometer
ME: I’m sorry I didn’t look
POPO: I was following you for like 6 blocks
ME: (In my head I’m like I only saw him for 3 and yeah his lights were on but why wouldn’t they be. He didn’t make the wooowooo sound like the boobies on cops so I thought he was chillen) But I sayyyyyy. I didn’t realize you wanted me to pull over. I didn’t hear the sound and I’ve never been pulled over before so I didn’t realize that’s what you wanted. Silence
POPO: So he’s like yes license and registration. I produce them. Do you have anything pending on your record?
ME: No (very sprightly yet concerned and earnest)
Another 10 minutes goes by and I am resigned that I’m gonna get a ticket. BTW I was going 55 but so was everyone else. And while we were waiting an SUV went through a red light I bet he didn’t see that! Humph. Anyway he eventually comes back to the window with my license and Anthony’s registration.
POPO: Miss this time I’m gonna let you off with a written warning. Please review the driving rules for DC and drive carefully etc.
ME: Thank you very much officer I will be careful, much appreciated.

WTF He was such a hardass even when I turned down the glass and he realized I was a female. I have no idea what turned him around. No idea (I’m still shaking my head) and for fear that he was bullshitting and did write me up a ticket I still haven’t looked at my written reprimand… but I will maybe tomorrow.
Hmm all in one day. Damn! My life I really don’t understand God’s plan for me. All this stuff seems soooo random. Wow.

2005-12-07T15:53:00.001-05:00

Who am I fooling that sounds like at 12-17 yr old depiction of sex. And its weird too b/c that picture I gave you isn't really in my head at "that time". Go figure!?! I had written something about what my orgasm feels like but obviously now I'm gonna keep that to myself.
I think I write too much about myself in this blog. I didn't have a plan when I started this blog so I can't say whether I'm deviating from my mission statement so to speak. But, I would like to write about other things but they are depressing and I haven't figured them out yet. I hate for things to be undefined so to start something about abortion, dreams and aspirations, the possibility of one true love(s) and soooo many other things and just give my opinion that just doesn't seem enough cuz I don't know everything... not even close. In lieu of that I would discuss Top Model , The Band, Project Runway and any movie under the sun. Geez that makes me feel like a teeny-bopper. Sigh this was another ramble. Hmmmm see ya when I have something better to say. ahahahah who am I talking to? hahaha Silly girl likes to pretend to talk to ppl on her blog.

A relaxer.

2005-12-05T18:07:00.000-05:00

Hmm picture this... a lush green lawn with a blanket. A sky filled with Cirrus clouds shaped like cute animals and a gentle breeze that perfectly balances the hot hot sun. You're lying on the blanket looking up to the sky and there is no glare; the sun isn't too bright. Why? Because there is an ever so thin sheet tied at the four corners of the blanket. This sheet is billowing upwards forming your own protected, warm, sunny, cool enclave. And you are smiling its so peaceful so protected, so balanced (heat, cold, light) This is what making love to you is like. Its the perfect location on the perfect day and I want for nothing. I am totally satiated.

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Do you know that feeling you get when you're on a rollercoaster and you've been tossed in two directions seemingly simultaneously? It's the same feeling you get when you've been hanging upside down. It's a disorienting and delicious feeling. Every inch of your scalp seems to tingle, the same feeling when someone's hand rubs your head. You have no idea which way is up because you've been spun in a circle for too long and truthfully you never want to find up because the disorientation is bliss. This is also what it feels like making love to you. I wonder how having sex with you is? Oh yea it's very aware and questioning. Where are my hands and what is my mouth doing?...Are you enjoying it? Was that long enough? Does this position still let me look cute? Can I stop now? I'm too hot! This is uncomfortable. Please hurry up I can't wait any longer.

Random

2005-12-05T17:22:00.000-05:00

Ok so I was thinking about life and going home and why I am so apprehensive to do so. I mean I want to go home as long as I can do exactly what I want to do, however that is highly unlikely. Amidst the obligatory "pass by to visit" people I haven't seen in 2+ years I will also be faced with the question(s) So what are you doing now? {insert long puzzled look} What do you hope to do with that?...What's your plan? These are all questions that I should be able to answer...but I can't and I don't feel like finding an answer in the upcoming week. Also, please tell me if I'm wrong but I had such an easy undergrad life. Tuition paid, housing paid all I had to do was feed myself and buy books. Why was I under the impression that graduate school would be easier? In undergrad my job was to produce good grades and keep that GPA up - No Problem. But in grad school instead of just getting good grades for tuition and a stipend I have to do well in school, teach classes, meet with professors and sit through some boring/ some interesting seminars all to get a stipend that isn't enough and on top of which I still need a 2nd job to make ends meet. I thought undergrad would have been hard (just because you're young and easily stressed) and the thought was always that grad school was like "they're paying you to go to school, you are the sought after commodity." Not so, not Effing so at all.
Sigh on top of which for an entire semester Verizon has not installed my internet. You know what let me not ignite that stick of dynamite I know u can't handle it. So back to grad school. For the most part it sucks and last year when I was working I thought that sucked too that's why I was so anxious to go back to school. So once again I belong NOWHERE and that is so annoying to be the perpetual pariah. Oh now I remember why the grad student thing is bothering me so much. I will be going home with nothing besides my possessions. I am definitely not a selfish person so in undergrad when I went home everyone got a Christmas present, no matter how small just to let you know that I love you and that I am thinking of you. (my sole means of doing this is not by giving gifts but it's nice in addition to the words) Right now I'm thinking the only person that can get one is my mom b/c I don't want the small distribution to look like favoritism. I luv being Santa at xmas. In high school I worked shifts at my mom's friend's gas station for the entire break esp those Fridays before the long xmas and New Years 3-day weekends and for what? So that I could get everyone a present....My five cousins and their parents, my mom and her 2 best friends, and my 4 closest friends, some leftover went to church. I am the same but the list has grown. I now have a goddaughter and my really good friend ( I dont have best friends) has a baby now and I would have liked to get them both something nice. I am distressed because for the first time in my life I am the typical broke student. I'm definitely not rich but at least I had enough to give some of what I have to those I love. This sucks I need to get my a$$ in gear and find a career that can make me some money then I can do what I want. I know thats not the ideal but how I feel right now that's the option that would work best for me. And going home is not wholly a feeling of apprehension. I am happy to go to my beach and sit on the sand and walk along the beach and remember. My memories mean a lot to me. Right now I remember being 11 and it turning to dusk and we had been on the beach since 2pm and me and my buddy sneaking back into the water to skinny dip thinking we were being so totally outrageous but never feeling quite the exhilaration we were expecting. The water felt great on a naked body and its taboo to be naked publicly but ...you know what, but nothing it was fun and our own little "wild/bad girl" moment at 11 and 10yrs old resp. Hmmm I haven't reread the blog I know it probably doesn't have any flow but alas that's the heart of me. You're probably lucky it wasn't unfinished. Now unto my finals. Bye

PS

2005-12-02T00:57:00.000-05:00

Sorry I don't have pictures. I'm not saying that you're a 4 yr old but they are nice to look at and they take away from the blandness of the words and the format. I think that's why I switch fonts and sizes so much because it never quite delivers a pow! and makes it look like a daunting avalanche of words, stories and issues and that's a NO NO. I mean you already performed the impossible...well more like the highly unlikely by coming across my page so I don't want to present obstacles to you reading this junk.... um these thoughts Yeah ummm. Thoughts.
I realized that I haven't written any poetry recently. I guess I must be really happy. When did that happen?
Finally I'm not promising anything with the pictures vis-a-vis the comment moderation fiasco, but I'll find a way not to make it look so drab. And don't blame the green its my favorite colour. ;)

Mish mosh

2005-12-01T23:41:00.000-05:00

Ok so I was going to post some gossip or just some hilarious stories but I just got a message that there was an earthquake in Trinidad and I am yet to hear the details. I hope it wasn't too bad cuz I know what it feels like. Imagine waking up to an earthquake. It's crazy. It feels like you fell asleep in a hammock and someone is shaking it relentlessly so you wake up mad, only to realize you need to start praying instead of cursing. Also instead of running downstairs and standing below a beam maybe you should run back up the half a flight of stairs you just descended because you don't know where your mom is. Hell ya you wake up confused. At that time I didn't even know about the beam I just wanted to be as close to the ground as possible so I wouldn't have far to fall or be crushed by walls or a ceiling.
Yeah it was bad, a neighbour a lil ways down who was building a house basically had to abandon it, affected houses were toured after work and school like they were artifacts: slabs of concrete on beds the stain of blood on sheets, trees crushing cars. Yeah the few things that happened had a BIG impact. I think the worse thing about it was the psychological effect because there was the aftershock or tremors. You never knew when they were gonna hit and they were so frequent after the big earthquake, I just could not relax. If I was at school and had a class on the 3rd floor I sat near the exit and was constantly trying to figure out which beam would be sturdiest - just in case. To make matters worse there weren't only the aftershocks {wc} there was another bonafide earthquake. Pressah
I chuckle now thinking back at how paranoid I was at the time. But I would just sit hunched on the grass looking at that woman's house; her front step leading to the 2nd storey (sp) crumbled, the wall to her kitchen partially down exposing new wood cupboards and the "as yet" untiled floor. It was so heartwrenching to see her sit in the rubble of her front step, open wound where she was injured by debris and by her attempt to save herself and young son by jumping off the step, sobbing. She wasn't even wailing it was just a defeated, continuous, unconsolable sobb. Sigh... I don't have the heart for gossip after this sometimes it only takes one thing.
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Oh! What I do have time for is a phone call....What!?! The area code says Jamaica (Big smile) I am so in shock and so happy that I enjoy the number and the Jamaica flashing on my Sprint phone for too long. I answer and get a dead line. Hmmm the number doesn't match anything in my phone book, but there is only one person living there that I know would call. Hmmmm tick tock do I return the call excitedly only to realize that they changed their mind and didn't really want to talk to me or maybe their opposable thumb wasn't on point and they dialed me by mistake. Well I return the call anyway....left a voicemail, not a corny one, succinct yet not cold. Ten minutes later Jamaica's flashing on my phone again {big grin}. I love my friends
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Ok I'm in a better mood now....Yesterday talking to a friend he said a buddy of his from high school died. He was shot in the face in some sort of unspecified altercation. Not one to speak ill of the dead he was like its sad he's dead but I wonder what sort of trouble he got himself involved in then he gave three examples of his friend.
1) He once had sex with girl in a graveyard on top of some's ornate cement grave then promptly left her there to find her way home.
2) He was driving home and got into a mini fender bender, not with another car, and damaged the front bumper of his uncle's B12(? I'm a girl not sure) car. Fortuitiously there was one of that same make and colour parked on the street. Too good not to be meant to be right. You can guess what he did....yups he pulled off his damaged bumper pulled off the donor bumper and did a switcherooo. Yups his comment...It was meant to be.
3) Do you know those dump trucks? Like the ones that carry gravel for construction? Well homey got so much game he convinced this girl that was really sprung over him to have sex in the bin of the dump truck! Can you imagine?!
*** Hil-ar-ious right and trust me I did not want to believe any of these stories but they were supported and corroborated by reliable sources. Well you can't say he didn't live. So, even though I didn't know you here's a eulogy of sorts. Granted its not the proper one that would be said in a church but it's the one that your friends will remember with loud, brawlish, raucous laughter when there is a lil lime and they pour a lil White Oak on the terrazo floor for your thirsty spirit. R.I.P. Peace

Harsh

2005-11-29T17:45:00.000-05:00

Yes I know my previous post was harsh. He is a nice guy I was just annoyed and for his sake wouldn't you rather I write it here than just blast all of that in his face. PS I have nothing against Trini guys. Ok no one got me mad today, I'm just tired.